baby needs

see... I don't think AP is possiable if

a) the father isn't on board with it and
b) the mother has to work during the day

are you all still saying that AP is possiable even if my husband wants to stick the kid in a playpen and have it sleep in a crib? I feel that raising a child is, in this case, a 2 person job... and if one of those people doesn't agree with the thoughts and actions of the other person, well... then compromise must come into the picture. He compromised on the the play pen... I am compromising on the crib, for at least part of the night. For the first several months the baby will sleep in our room, next to the bed or on my side of the bed.. it's after that that the crib enters the equation.

 

I was afraid of cosleeping b/c I thought I'd roll over on my son too. So he has slept in a crib in my room. It's real cute when he wakes up now in the morning he peeks out at me and will chatter with himself. Then when he is ready to get out he will scream at me til he sees me wake up. Then smiles real big. So I end up generally getting about 20-45 more minutes of sleep. My son hated his swing but he does love his johnny jump up which is really nice if you have door frames that allow it. He loves that thing and I can get dishes done and fold laundry. But I really can't think of anything the other mamas haven't already mentioned. If I do... I'll be back.

Oh and congrats!!!

 

askdrsears.com

AP isn't just about co-sleeping and sticking baby in a playpen...It's about listening to baby and not just deciding that baby needs this schedule or to be forced into that activity that obviously he/she isn't ready for.

Have your husband read the Attachment parenting book by William and Martha Sears. It explains AP in situations where mommy works and daddy works, or where one parent stays home. If your husband is staying home, AP is a really good idea. It will help him focus on the baby.

 

my husband is an ex oilfield redneck hunter. we're AP parents. anyone can do it once they see how nice, and truthfully, easier it is. co sleeping saves everyone a lotta rest, since it's more soothing for the baby, too. and good luck putting a kid in a playpen when they don't wanna be there.

 

ITP, will you have to work?

I worked for the first 9 months of my oldest dd's life. That's not a super long time, but it's long enough to have learned some things.

I think focusing on AP when both parents work outside of the home is SO VERY IMPORTANT. We cosleep, always have, and will untill the children wean themselves from our bed. I found this so very helpful when I was working, for several reasons:

I got more sleep, I slept through most nursing sessions soundlessly, so did babe

I got to use our nighttime nursing/cuddling sessions reconnecting after being at work for hours, that means that I didn't have to use the precious awake time that we did have together, "reconnecting", it was already done, we could just pick up where we left off.

It kept my milk supply very high. My babe and my body adjusted to my working hours. Babe didn't drink much pumped milk, she just nursed alot when with me

If I had to choose a crib or a play pen, I'd choose the playpen, cuz then you could hold or sling the babe instead of putting him/her in it. That would buy you time untill your husband gets used to what it's like to raise a child how they are meant to be raised and treated.

Our bed is on the floor and up against a wall, when the kids are babes, they sleep between the wall and me.

I'd love to shower you with a bunch of co-sleeping links if you'll have them Just say the word.

 

yeah, i will have to go back to work as soon as I can after the baby is born. My husband will be staying home with the baby until his work permit comes through. So one parent will be with the baby in the begining at least. Once my husband has his work permit and has a decent job, I am going to go back to school to finish my degrees. So baby will be with a sitter at that point... but we are talking when the baby is a year and a month old.

I am against the playpen idea. I am all for baby slings/carriers though. My husband has come around to the idea of them too, once I explained the idea behind them.

As for the crib thing, I think we'll get one. We'll see if we use it, but I don't want to push it on him right now... would much prefer to just ease him into it.

 

For me being a SAHD was quite a sudden shock. Basically though, the baby will tell him what to do, and as long as he has good patience, he should do fine. It takes a little bit to get used to it, but 95% of the time it is nothing but fun. My baby is teething right now, so he will mood change on the drop of a dime, which is hard, I always feel helpless like there is nothing I can do to comfort him, but overall being a SAHD isn't really hard, except for the feeding thing.

 

My dh was leary of the "hippie" thing at first, too. But he is totally on board with it now. He won't read about it, but he listens to me. I agree that it really is soooooo much easier, and my son is so much happier and well adjusted than his cousins who were't AP'ed. Now dh is the one who makes comments about his brother just laying their baby down and saying "go to sleep" and stupid bf schedules. They come around. It really is only natural to want to be attached to your baby. It's when we start listening to what "experts" say that we screw it up!


As for diapers, greenmountain.com sometimes has gently used or seconds. But wait, you said money isn't much of a problem. May I pitch my diaper person? It is Sue at Choosey Diapers. You can go to the website and get her phone # and call her and she will help you all the way, provide washing instructions etc. The diapers are really affordable. I HIGHLY recommend DSQ (diaper servce quality) unbleached prefolds, and I LOVE the Bummis Super Whisper Wrap covers b/c they go in the washer AND dryer. Also, we use the unbleached flannel wipes and a spray bottle of water with a couple squirts of Dr. Bronners Baby Mild in it. Choosey diapers has really competetive prices and the best customer service I have found.

If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't get a quarter of the junk I thought I had to have to have a baby.

Tiff

 

Things that I used for the baby after much consideration~

a peach silk scarf~ I draped this over my newborn (over a bassinet) to create a womb like tent. The newborn can get over-stimulated so easily and the peach light is soothing.

I got this from the book ~ YOu are your child's first teacher. By Rahima, Baldwin & Dancy. I highly recommend this book as it explains what your newborn goes through cognitively and even spiritually as a newly, newly newborn. It's lovely for raising your consciousness!

another thing that I did~ modified my baby's carseat~ by ADDING a piece of space-foam under the seat-cover to add comfort~ have you noticed how HARD all the carseats are?

Another thing that I did was breastfeed while the baby was strapped in to the carseat. It helped him relax and tolerate the carseat.

Another thing that I did was invented his own lullabies. THey are his and helped him to bond up and relax while in that friggin' carseat.

We bought about 50 cheapo washclothes and don't hardly ever use those ucky synthetic wipes...have you ever felt a dried out one? What the hell do they make them from? Plus that crap has EDTA and other ucky ingredients. A no, no for the genitals.

We bought a bucket specifically for cloth diaper soakage and rinsing.

That's about it. We co-sleep. And take baths w/ the baberz. I bought the pump, but my baby never took to the artificial nipple so that was money down the tube. I regret that part.

Check out baby consignment stores. That's where I've gotten all his clothes and toys for cheap cheap.

Wishing you bestest of joys for your upcoming parenting!

 

This is actually very bad, i'm so sorry to say. when my first was a babe, we got the carseat installation checked by a professional and we had one of those things that goes behind the baby, and has a sort of halo to prevent the babe's weak neck from flopping all over, well, she told us that unless it came with the car seat, it should be removed. the car seat saftey is tested only as it's found in the box, any thing you add to the carseat can quite possibly detract from it saving your babe's life

 

Actually I've been professionally trained as a nurse on how to install carseats. And perhaps what you failed to notice is that I didn't modify the actual design of how the carseat works. I placed the spacefoam UNDER the pad and AROUND the straps WITHOUT inferering with the design or safety of the carseat. Infact, I believe I ENHANCED the carseat's safety. Enhanced because of the added padding to the back of the head. And regarding the snugride headrest thingy~ mine came with 2 of them. If you take the time to look at the design and to understand how the carseat works. Then you'd understand that it is NOT VERY BAD to place a piece of foam UNDER the carseat cover and AROUND ( I created slits where the strapping passed through WITHOUT interfereing with the design)...maybe you'll see me on the American Inventors show dang it!

Also one should know that spacefoam is that contour conforming stuff. That also is safety ENHANCING, as without the padding the carseat cover slips and slides over the hard plastic....

 

all your baby really needs are boobs and diapers (and not even diapers if you choose to do elimination communication). Everything else is just extra (carseat is not optional if you ever plan to drive anywhere, though). Some things are nice to have, but you never know how much use you will get out of them until after the baby is here. Both of my girls liked totally different things. DD1 loved the swing, and I used it when I had to pump breastmilk before she was able to nurse. DD2 hated it, but was perfectly happy on a blanket on the floor when I needed to put her down. DD2 loved the babysling from the first day, DD1 only liked it once she was walking around. I did go through lots and lots of cotton receiving blankets and those gowns with the elastic at the bottom. I had at least a dozen of each because I did not use diaper covers at home and often had to change clothes and blankets if she peed through all the layers of diaper I had on her. (I would use a prefold, folded up, and a flat diaper wrapped around it to keep it in place)

once your baby has outgrown the newborn poops, and if you are still cloth diapering, get a mini-shower to hose the poop off into the toilet. ...uh, go ahead and get it now. I used mine as a bidet (it's original intent) during that early post-partum stage. Cheap cotton washcloths work much better than any other wipes you can purchase. I find it funny how in their commercials, they say things like "the closest thing you can get to cloth" - so why not just use cloth instead? LOL I also highly recommend unbleached prefolds and Bummis covers for day and Stacinator fleece covers for nighttime. Start with the premie size, and when baby outgrows them in a week or two, use them as doublers when the bigger diapers still fit but aren't quite absorbent enough.

both of my girls have terrible reaction to anything with artificial fragrance in it (as do I). So be careful about those sorts of products!! Plain water is usually all it takes to get a baby good and clean. Why do they put perfume in most diaper rash creams? Does my baby's butt need to smell like flowers? I make my own lotions and creams out of ingredients I know will not aggravate our sensitive skin, and we can only use certain unscented laundry detergents (and only the tiniest drop per load of wash) and not any sort of fabric softener.

The crib MIL bought sure did make a nice toy box and sometimes laundry basket! Most of the stuff we got, we never used. Most of the clothes never fit during the right seasons. My oldest, who weighed less than five pounds at her lowest weight, never wore any of those cute booties or infant socks because her feet were too long. At birth, her feet were long enough to fit in 12 month size booties, but she was wearing premie sized clothes for the first six months of her life. You just never know what you will need until you need it, not even after having one kid, you still don't know what any other babies are going to be like. They are all so different!

Dr. Sears, The Baby Book is a must-have for a first-time parent, IMO.

 

Maybe I'm misunderstanding where you are putting this foam, but from what I understand about the logistics of car seats, is that if you add anything, especially something that is full of air, it can interfere with the saftey. It will collapse in an accident, causing more space between the straps and the baby, thus, not keeping the baby tight in the seat The babe could slip out or possibly be thrown out because the straps just arn't tight enough

If the head thingys came with your car seat, then by all means, use them. They were designed and tested with that particular car seat. But to buy one seperate and use it may interfere with the car seats saftey.

I would NEVER encourage someone to actually modify a car seat if they are looking out for their childs safety

I don't even put think winter coats on my kids while they are in their car seats.

 

Don't bother with the "birth to age four" car seats. Newborns NEVER fit in them. Get a newborn carseat (never ever second hand) and use it until the weight limit, and then get a good child car seat. Always leave your car seat IN the car. Babies are happier and healthier in arms, than in a car seat, I have four kids, my car seat never left my car, unless it was time to adjust the straps, or to install a new one. I NEVER carried my babies in one. Arms or slings are best.

If you won't be working outside the home, don't bother with a pump. I rarely used a pump (and I had access to hospital quality for most of my baby years) we realized our lives were changing, so we did more "homebody" stuff for entertainment, and only accepted invitations to homes and events where babies were welcome.

I did pump a bit with Sage, she was a tiny baby, and I, despite doing all the right things, got engorged. I had rented out my LAST good pump the day before she was born, so I was stuck with a decent battery Medela pump, for about two pumpings, until my body ajusted. I never had to pump for engorgement with the other kids, as usually, this causes worse problems, with an oversupply. I occasionally would see clients, and pump just enough for Bear to give her a few sips from a shot glass. After my first baby got severe nipple confusion, which nearly ruined our breastfeeding, I NEVER gave an other of my children a bottle. I wasn't going to take a chance.

Don't bother with a pump, even if you are going back to work, until about 2 weeks before you go back. I've seen so many womyn with continued engorgement, because they started pumping "to store in the freezer" from birth. Not only is there no reason to do this, newborn milk will give an older baby the runs, as newborn milk is made to empty the intestines of bilirubin and may cause problems with a baby over a week or so old.

I DID have a baby monitor, we live on an acre of land, so I can't hear a baby crying if I am in the garden. Mainly, our monitor was used in the summer, when we'd be outside if the baby was sleeping indoors.

 

As for AP parenting, my dh didn't "get it" until about the middle of the third kid. I still did what I knew was right and ATTACHED to my babies. It has nothing to do with Birkenstocks or tofu burgers at all, but listening to your baby and TAILORING your life to your baby's needs.

Please help me out here, I am NOT judging, but, I don't understand why HE is staying home, while you are working. Just an observation, but if ONE parent can possibly stay home with an infant (and in some situations, neither can, and i totally understand these situations) why is the mama one who is away all day? Daddies are great, but mamas and daddies are not totally interchangable.

IMO, HOW a baby is raised is more importnant than WHERE a baby is raised. If it were me, I'd stay in Cincinatti and stay with the baby, than to have to leave the baby all day, just to live in Canada. I mean, if ONE of you can stay home,(meaning you DO have the finances for one of you to stay home) doesn't it make sense the one with the breasts does? JMO. (Please, I am not being judgemnetal here, but I don't see the reason for not AP parenting, when a big strong man is CAPABLE of work.)

As for nipple confusion, YES, it IS a big deal. As a Lactation Consultant I see it ALL the time. Best way to avoid it, NO bottles. If you absolutely have to work,( or there wil be no food and no roof over your head,) then wait at least 8 weeks (or more, preferably) to introduce bottles, OR feed the baby with a medicine cup or a Cup Feeder. Most times, nipple confusion is misdiagnosed as "Not enough milk" I've seen newborns who don't get it, and Ive seen kids as old as 9 months get it. Best to avoid it, if possible, by either never introducing a bottle, or by waiting as long a possible, or using an alternative feeding device. Even a baby whose mama works doesn't have to have a bottle. The few times I saw clients (for no more than an hour at a time) Bear would feed the baby with a cup, if MY dh can do this, any man can.

 

As for AP parenting, my dh didn't "get it" until about the middle of the third kid. I still did what I knew was right and ATTACHED to my babies. It has nothing to do with Birkenstocks or tofu burgers at all, but listening to your baby and TAILORING your life to your baby's needs.

Please help me out here, I am NOT judging, but, I don't understand why HE is staying home, while you are working. Just an observation, but if ONE parent can possibly stay home with an infant (and in some situations, neither can, and i totally understand these situations) why is the mama one who is away all day? Daddies are great, but mamas and daddies are not totally interchangable.

IMO, HOW a baby is raised is more importnant than WHERE a baby is raised. If it were me, I'd stay in Cincinatti and stay with the baby, than to have to leave the baby all day, just to live in Canada. I mean, if ONE of you can stay home,(meaning you DO have the finances for one of you to stay home) doesn't it make sense the one with the breasts does? JMO. (Please, I am not being judgemnetal here, but I don't see the reason for not AP parenting, when mom CAN stay home.)

As for nipple confusion, YES, it IS a big deal. As a Lactation Consultant I see it ALL the time. Best way to avoid it, NO bottles. If you absolutely have to work,( or there wil be no food and no roof over your head,) then wait at least 8 weeks (or more, preferably) to introduce bottles, OR feed the baby with a medicine cup or a Cup Feeder. Most times, nipple confusion is misdiagnosed as "Not enough milk" I've seen newborns who don't get it, and Ive seen kids as old as 9 months get it. Best to avoid it, if possible, by either never introducing a bottle, or by waiting as long a possible, or using an alternative feeding device. Even a baby whose mama works doesn't have to have a bottle. The few times I saw clients (for no more than an hour at a time) Bear would feed the baby with a cup, if MY dh can do this, any man can.

 

As for AP parenting, my dh didn't "get it" until about the middle of the third kid. I still did what I knew was right and ATTACHED to my babies. It has nothing to do with Birkenstocks or tofu burgers at all, but listening to your baby and TAILORING your life to your baby's needs.

Please help me out here, I am NOT judging, but, I don't understand why HE is staying home, while you are working. Just an observation, but if ONE parent can possibly stay home with an infant (and in some situations, neither can, and i totally understand these situations) why is the mama one who is away all day? Daddies are great, but mamas and daddies are not totally interchangable.

IMO, HOW a baby is raised is more importnant than WHERE a baby is raised. If it were me, I'd stay in Cincinatti and stay with the baby, than to have to leave the baby all day, just to live in Canada. I mean, if ONE of you can stay home,(meaning you DO have the finances for one of you to stay home) doesn't it make sense the one with the breasts does? JMO. (Please, I am not being judgemnetal here, but I don't see the reason for not AP parenting, when mom CAN stay home.)

As for nipple confusion, YES, it IS a big deal. As a Lactation Consultant I see it ALL the time. Best way to avoid it, NO bottles. If you absolutely have to work,( or there wil be no food and no roof over your head,) then wait at least 8 weeks (or more, preferably) to introduce bottles, OR feed the baby with a medicine cup or a Cup Feeder. Most times, nipple confusion is misdiagnosed as "Not enough milk" I've seen newborns who don't get it, and Ive seen kids as old as 9 months get it. Best to avoid it, if possible, by either never introducing a bottle, or by waiting as long a possible, or using an alternative feeding device. Even a baby whose mama works doesn't have to have a bottle. The few times I saw clients (for no more than an hour at a time) Bear would feed the baby with a cup, if MY dh can do this, any man can.

I need to ask a question, if you hired a day care provier, and she said, "I won't do what you feel is important, I will stick the baby in the play pen (blech) all day, and even though you don't want her in a crib, I'm going to do it anyway." Would you allow this person to take care of your child? You and your dh need a good Sit Down, with the Baby Book and The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding in hand and let him know YOU are the mama, and sticking a baby in a PLAY PEN is simply not acceptable. I'd fire a baby sitter who tried this. And that YOU will decide WHERE the baby sleeps, because she now lives in YOUR body, YOU are the one who will go through labor, and YOU are the one making milk. If he is this aggravated or irrtable towards AP, y'all need to TALK. My dh tried some of this crap on me, early on (when AP didn't even have a name) by trying to get me to get a FULL TIME job after our first was born, and I told him "If you don't want to listen to what I feel is best for the baby, and if you don't want to completely support the child and I while we live WITH you, you can support us while the child and I live elsewhere." I would choose my child's best interests over his once arbitrary and baseless ideas on "child rearing." And I damn well meant it.

NOTHING was going to prevent me from Attaching to my baby. Especially not a young man who knew NOTHING about infants (I had a degree in child psychology and was working on my Master's in Child Dev) and he stilll wanted to make policy about the baby care, and was just being a snit because he didn't think it was "fair" that he had to go to work all day. Guess what? I put my foot down. He worked, and I stayed home and took care of my babies the way I knew was best.

When it comes to childcare, there is really NO alternative to doing what's best for a baby. And that is ALL that AP is. What is best for the baby. And, in the long run, it was best for our marraige. Most of my nonAP freinds are divorced. (I think it was all that score keeping from "equal share parenting")

Bear and I are together, legal for 20 years now, mainly because a good mama makes a good wife. Even if she has to put her foot down, and lay down the law once in a while, especially when it comes to the welfare of her offspring. And sometimes being a good mama means being Mama Bear and saying "Fuck it" to "equal share" parenting. I say what goes for the kids, because I know better than he does, (Not that he doen't have input, but the finality of it is mine, two people cannot do a one person job. Parenting is a two person job, Mamaing is a one person job.) He can make finacial decisions, and (as KC says of her Dave) he's the Alpha when it comes to that. But when it come to kids, I know what is best. Especially in the situations where he wanted to do things I knew were wrong (like play pen usage, or letting a baby cry it out.)

 

We actually thought and talked a lot about moving. It came down to crime rate, pollution levels, health care and money. We decided to move to Saskatchewan because of the lower crime rate, the lower pollution levels, the better health care and all of my family (plus my mother is sick, and I wanted to be near her with this child just in case she wasn't around for others). It wasn't a spur of the moment thing, we were planning on moving here anyway, the pregnancy just moved it up a bit.

I couldn't work in Cincinnati. My husband could, but it wasn't enough to support me and a child. I can work in SK, he can't, but I have a lot of family here who are more than willing to help out financially.... my family is better off financially than my husbands. Also, as soon as the immigration goes through, he can work here... so I will have to work until the immigration comes through.

As I said, we live in a small city/town. Everything is close by. So, it will be possiable for him to bring the child over for lunch and possiably "coffee breaks". I am totally committed to breastfeeding... not wavering on that one. My mom and step mom are behind me on this... his mother doesn't get it. My parents are behind my decission to cloth diaper, his mother doesn't understand why i would bother. So... support wise, the move also made more sense. (for the record, my husband is strongly behind me breastfeeding, and although he has never used a cloth diaper, is behind me on this too)

Its not neccessarily that my husband is AGAINST AP... he had just never heard of it, and had written it off, a bit, as being a "hippie theory". If I want him to read about it, he will... he is very reasonable and actually really listens to me when I speak from the heart or mind. He is really a wonderful sensitive man, and now understands my reasons behind not wanted a playpen... he gets it and now agrees with it.

As for money... we don't know how long I will be able to stay off work. We are both working full time right now, and both living with our parents. We are doing so to save money. He figures that he will have about $15000 US saved when he comes up in August.... and I will have some saved too, although less, as I will be getting baby stuff ready, finding us a place to live and all of that stuff. I will stay home as long as possiable. I am just not counting on being able to stay home too too long, as I don't want to be disappointed when the time comes. I am trying to stay positive about the worse case scenerio, so if something better happens it will be a bonus... frame of mind is a very powerful thing with me.

 

I went to the movies with my dh, and two of my dds and my son, and I felt bad. The whole time, icetea, I was thinking I had been too heavy on you. I am sorry. I did not mean to be harsh, I just know what it is like to be in a similar position. The whole movie (Ice Age Two, which was really cute) I was thinking "I gotta go back and make sure I didn't hurt iceteas' feelings.

I really like you a lot. I think you will really be a good mama. I just want you to parent the way YOU feel is right. I don't know what it is like to have emmigration problems, I do know what it is like to have a dh who "doesn't get" a mother's attachment to her child immediately.

If you want to PM me I can. I just wanted you to know, my post was NOT an indictment on you, just a clarification about parenting. You need to do what works for you.

I'll be there to support you. I hope you and your dh can work it out. Dr. Sears has a GREAT book called "Becoming a Father" which I would read bit to my husband, and it helped both of us. He realized that even discussion about letting the second baby Cry It Out was not even going to happen. I realized that he didn't have the hormonal bond to the babies that I did, but that HIS hormonal needs for sex didn't change (you think both would have been obvious, but having a new baby, with sleep deprivation which goes along with it kinda messes with those thoughts.

Maybe you and your dh could read some thing together (because Dr Sears is far from a Hippy) and do some more talking. You can probably meet in the middle somewhere.

Love and hugs,

Maggie

 

Oh, its all good Maggie Sugar. I totally understand where you are coming from. Ideally, if this pregnancy had been planned instead of a surprise gift, I would be staying home as immigration would have been already completed. But, you can't always plan these thing... haha! A lot of things would be different if this was going on, say, a year for now!