Avoiding people

I seem to lose friends as soon as I make them. Because I am not really a social person and have a penchant for solitude, I have a tendency to blow people off when I just want to be by myself. I seem to not know how to convey these feelings to people, so I ignore their phone calls and text messages. This really bothers me and makes me feel guilty because I feel people are hurt by it and take it personally when they really shouldn't. I was contacted by a couple people today who know I am on vacation and wanted to meet up, but to be honest today was one of those perfect loner days where I was very much in my zone, and I felt that being social could only detract from that. I didn't really want to be bothered by anyone, so I ended up putting my phone on airplane mode as I went about my solitary day just enjoying the beautiful weather, going for a long five mile walk along the Erie Canal (giving myself one hell of a sunburn in the process), then going for a two hour ride in the country with all the windows down while listening to music. These are the simple things I really value, which truly put me in my element. I am very deep in thought while by myself, and I don't really think there's any place I like being more than inside my own head. I go through lonely spells where I really want to be with people and have real connections with them, but once I interact with people, even those I like, I am reminded of how much better I prefer my own company to that of anyone else.

So just a few minutes ago I turned off the airplane mode on my phone only to receive some discouraged sounding texts from the people I ignored all day.

I must really not be a good person.

 

I can empathize with your feeling. I too like to be alone, and I also worry sometimes that maybe there's an anti-social element in me.

But I think the negative feeling is misplaced. I'm not one to quote much from sacred sources, but in the Bhagavad Gita Krishna says that the desire for solitude and the opportunity for contemplation that affords is a positive quality for human beings. I tend to agree with that. If you never spend any time alone, how on earth can you ever get to truly know yourself? Be comfortable in your own company.

But at the same time I acknowledge that humans are social creatures, and we all need relationships with others. Still, I see no reason to feel bad about switching off your phone for a day.

 

I like solitude too. But I can also see how people may take it personally if they feel like you're ignoring them.

 

I can be pretty outgoing and super comfortable around most people.....but sometimes I am shy as hell, when I care a lot.....so I only run out of fear sometimes.......

I love spending time with myself alone , as well. I am never bored of me....LOL

 

I don't know.... I'm the same way. I LOVE my time alone..by myself. And I can def relate to not responding right away every time someone wants to hang out... or talk on the phone or whatever... I figure though, hey, whatever... that's how I am and people can take it or leave it. I know I'm actually a really good friend to have and always get back to people and stuff and people can either deal with - or not- the fact that just because I have a cell phone I am not on call 24/7. Anyways, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. As long as you eventually get back to people ... I find it rather annoying actually if people EXPECT a reply right away.

 

Sometimes I feel like Mr Rat is really the slightly older male version of myself.

 

Very few people genuinely prefer their own company all the time.
Some people have to be around others all the time. So much that they can be a pain up the arse.

I go from being massively social and gregarious/entertaining. To "really cant be bothered". It depends on the people, my mood and the event.

But, judging by what you say (and the fact youve made 28k posts here!) you obviously DO like interaction. But are probably quite selective. AND you like to spend time on your own to recharge/digest things.

You're right, just ignoring texts and stuff with no real reason is a good way of alienating yourself.. and indeed losing friends. The fact is, in most of Western society, its taken as an insult... because it can besometimes IS meant as an insult.

I must admit, I've pulled the plug on certain types of friendship/acquaitances, if I've felt there was a "I cant be bothered to reply" aspect to something which I felt deserved a reply.

Sometimes, when I know someone really, really well, I find that the differences in methods of acting don't matter. We might not agree on the right course of action in a situation, but each understands the other, and understands that no offence or harm was intended. Yet with a less mature friendship, a dispute might have erupted.

Why don't you explain to your friends why you didnt reply. And that genuinely its how your mind works. And that you didnt INTEND to insult/cause offence.

If you dont explain, then theyd have further grounds to think that you were aiming to insult them, IMO.

 

I think that you can just explain to people that you like being anti-social often. If they understand that you want to be alone because of your personality, they may be able to accept that.

 

Same here. I left ALL my good friends and my hometown for almost 30 years. Many others I liked I just walked away from with the saying --" well, have a good life."Oh, don't say that, was the usual response------but --I know myself. I am a really friendly guy and people like me and all -----but-----so it goes. I've been in Oregon (this time) for over nine years and have not made a single friend, other than people my kids know. I can't see myself making friends with people my age. They're old!! A character flaw?? Hell, I don't know.

 

Yep.

This is good advice.

And true friends... from my own experience, accept it. People know not to be upset with me if I don't reply right away or become distant for a certain period of time- that if there is any reason I AM mad at that or whatever, that I will let them know and that otherwise sometimes I just need time to myself. No one takes it personal. But that's because I let people know how I am!

 

Being "anti-social" in England means things like vandalising bus stops and abusing old grandmas
We have Anti Social Behaviour Orders instead of criminal fines and stuff haha

Wanting to be alone isn't gonna cause offence. Ignoring calls/texts that deserve a response might (I dont know the specifics of the case here).

I mean I might want some space occasionally (or rather I used to be like that as a kid, but not really as an adult). Either way, as an adult (21/22+) I wouldnt just ignore people.

 

I'm the type of bloke that needs his own company and space. As a matter of fact I'm almost my own best friends. I have the imagination to make fun on my own etc. and most times I just want to be left to myself. Missus don't quite understand it sometimes but I've taken after my father with this trait, we are just two guys suited to being on our own I guess. He had 3 failed marriages and even my mother acknowledges that he needed to be by himself and not so much in a **** of a way or anything just who he is.. who I am.
Especially during an argument or something I don't want nothing to do with anyone, leave me be, I need the time to think it all over you see? I will approach after I've mentally gone over everything. But I also ignore phone calls and text messages, some weekends I have zero interest in meeting up with anyone. Like this weekend for example but it's a bit weird this weekend because we intend on going out for a swingers meet and greet so although I don't want to see anybody I know, I'm quite open to seeing people I've never met.. but if there's sex on the cards who's gonna blame me right dudes?

 

If the people concerned are idiots, like the majority of their fellows, I might well try my best to ignore them. The alternative is to try to confront the mf's with their own idiocy and unrealistic demands.

 

I agree with everyone who said to just be upfront with your friends about who you are. If they can't understand your need for solitude then they probably aren't worth keeping as friends. I've let friendships go in the past when friends tried to guilt trip me into giving up my much needed time for solitude but most of my friends are understanding. Sometimes you just need to explain yourself.

The best way to go about it is to be a little self deprecating. Maybe shoot your friends a text and tell them you're an antisocial bastard sometimes but you weren't purposely ignoring them, and then maybe make plans for a day when you can prepare a little better for the company.

 

You either think high and mighty of yourself, you feel inadequate, or oddly enough you feel both. There’s clearly something holding you back from committing to a relationship; possibly you're afraid of being rejected.

Let me guess you weren't exactly the first kid chosen when playing basketball, or football, soccer, street hockey, dodge-ball, …..etc….



Hotwater

 

When I hide out, I tell whomever wonders why I didn't show up---i'm in my turtle mode.

 

You sound schizoid.
It's something I've been looking into recently.

 

Well this is sort of what I mean. If I ignore someone these days, when a response would be considered appropriate, then its because I *am* calling them an idiot.

But I think PR was saying he considers them friends, but thinks he made a bit of a ballsup in ignoring them.

 

No. Hotwater, I think some of us just enjoy our own company. ( I was always chosen first, by the way).

 

This is very true. I was pretty much the last person chosen for those things, but it's mostly because I hated gym class and thought it was moronic, so therefore I didn't put forth any kind of effort. Not sure it applies to this thread, but maybe it does.