Paddy goes to the shops and sees a flask, he asks the assistant what it does and she explains that it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, bejesus, I'll have one, says Paddy, the following morning he arrives at work and is showing it to Mick, he explains to him what it does and Mick asks, ok so what have you got in it then? Paddy replied, two cups of coffee and a choc ice. Paddy goes home and catches his wife in bed with another man, he goes berserk and pulls out a gun and points it at his own head saying he's going to shoot himself, the man bursts out laughing and Paddy replied, I dunno what you're laughing at you're next. Every Friday Paddy notices his boss always leaves work at 2 pm, so one day he tells Mick he's going to sneak off early, around half two, so off he goes, at ten to three he's back in work, Mick asks what happened, paddy tells him that when he arrived home the front door was ajar and he could hear noises from the bedroom, he looked inside to find his boss taking Paddys wife from behind. What did you do then? asked Mick, oh well I crept quietly back downstairs, out of the front door and ran all the way back to work, it's ok, I don't think he saw me. several years ago on my way home from the pub I heard a terrible commotion down an alley, walking down I saw this bloke struggling with this big smelly pig, all muddy it was, it was awfull, here mate give me a hand to get it in the house he asked, so we got it in the house, now help me get it upstairs, so we did, right, lets get it in the bath, we get it in the bath and I'm curious as to why he's doing it. oh it's the wife, whatever I tell her she already knows, I came home once and told her princes kate had had a baby boy, she said I know, then I came home another time and said, I see the stock market is up 1.2378. the most since january last year, she said I know. well, in am morning she always gets up before me, she'll go to the bathroom, find the pig and come running back screaming whoa, there's a pig in the bath, and I'm gonna say, yeah, I know.
My mate is a dyslexic agnostic, he often lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog. What's the difference between the Sicilian mafia and the Glaswegian mafia? one makes you an offer you can't refuse and the other makes you an offer you can't understand. An Englishman an Irishman, a Scot and a Welshman walk into a pub, the bartender asks, "what's this, some kind of joke" I was drinking in a bar in Glasgow, all of a sudden this big bluebottle landed in the pint belonging to the Scottish bloke sitting beside me, he leapt up, grabbed the bluebottle out of the glass and began to yell, "spit it out, spit it out" who said the Scots were tight? lol A white horse wandered up to the bar in a busy pub, "hey, we've got a whisky named after you" said the barman, the horse looks at him in suprise, "what, you have a whisky called Eric" An Englishman, an Irishman a Jew, a jamaican and a pakistani were all sat around a table in my local pub the other night, my what a culturally diverse society we live in. Two penguins sat chatting in a pub, a dog walks in, goes to the bar and asks for a pint of bitter, the penguins look at each other and one says, "wow, look at that, a talking dog". A very small bloke walks into a pub, "who's was the rottweiller tied to the lampost outside?" he asks, a huge skinhead steps forward, "what do you mean 'was' it's mine" he snarled, "not any more it isn't, my dog just killed it" replied the little bloke, "your dog just killed it, jesus, what dog have you got?" he asks, "a yorkshire terrier" replied the little bloke, "oh, and how did that manage to kill a big Rottweiler?" asked the skinhead, "easy, it got stuck in it's throat", replied the little bloke. A gay man rides into town in the old west, wanders into the almost deserted saloon, and in a very camp voice called out, "where are all the cowboys, where are all the cowboys?" the bartender replies, "there all on the edge of town, hanging a pouf", the gay man replies in a very gruff voice, "oh well I guess I'll be moving on".
1 He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you? 2 He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart 3 He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! 4 He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him ... . They don't have time. 5 He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened. 6 He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find women who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends. 7 He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? I said to him. . .. A widow. 8 He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed …. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
A man walks into a hardware store and goes up to the counter. He asks the clerk if he has mothballs. The clerk replies yes he does. There is a brief silence before the man answers must be difficult for you to get a bl*wj*b then.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper responds "Wow. You have a drink called Irving?"
My mate rang me this morning, apparently he's had to finish with his new girlfriend, "she's always been adventurous but yesterday she went too far" he moaned, "really how's that? " I asked, "well last night she told me she wanted to have sex in boots" he said, "what you mean like long black leather ones?" I asked, wondering why he'd dump her for that, "no, boots the chemist" he replied.
It was a Sunday and the nuns were teaching. Before time ran out they asked the weans what they wanted to be when they up. Billy said he wanted to be a fireman. Stuart wanted to be a doctor. When it came around to Shioban she quipped she wanted to become a prositute. There was an awkward pause and Sister Mary Ellen asked her to repeat. Shioban gleefully said she wanted to be a prostitute. Sister Mary Ellen chortled and replied "Oh that's fine. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."
When I was a young man, still a virgin, my dad took me for a drive the day I turned 18, telling me things to come as I become a man. One of those things, he said, was sex, learning about it and to know what I am doing by the time I get married. He took us downtown and with pride in his eyes he hugged me, gave me money and told me to find a woman who will teach me. I got out of the car, he wished me luck with pride and left. As I walked downtown wondering who I was supposed to meet, granny spotted me and asked what business brought me downtown. I told her and she was a little shocked, concerned: "My dear boy, don't spend your money like that! Come with me, that's not the way to do things." I spent the afternoon with granny instead of finding myself that special woman I was supposed to pay. Later I went home, dad was obviously excited and couldn't wait to know how my rite of passage went. I told him I still had the money. "You met some lady and she gave you sex for free?" "No, I spent the afternoon with granny after she found out what I was looking for." "Oh dear god. So how did she distract you from becoming a man?" "Oh, don't worry dad, she took care of that and taught me everything for free." The old man choked, almost had a heart attack and stared at his son: "You fucked my mother? What the hell is this?" I shot back: "That's okay dad, we're even. You fuck mine."
