I'm 54 my wife is 53 and we have been on a sex lull for a few years now. We both have been battling some health issues over the years. My back and shoulder and a number of health issues for her. She had a hysterectomy a few years ago and she seems to have one health issue after another these days. There's not a month that goes by where she's not in the doctor's for this appointment or to get that checked out. In the past year and a half or maybe even two we've probably had sex once and it was definitely not the best. When I first met my wife she probably weighed 105 lbs soaking wet. I loved her thin frame and she knew it. But in the past 20 years or so her weight has gone up to about 160+. She can't go to any restaurant without ordering a milkshake or some sweet wedge of chocolate cake. Yes, I've put on weight too but nowhere near as much as she did. Yes, our sex life has suffered. Today we went to the movies and had a great time. Other than physical we get along great. The movies was fun then we went to the store to get dinner for New Year's. We plan to invite the kids over for dinner. We don't have any together. She has 2 from her first marriage and I have 1. They are all out of the house now. Anyway, we went to the grocery store then decided to stop at Chic-fil-A for dinner. Yeah, we both ordered a milkshake and when they brought them to us mine had a cherry on it. I'm not a cherry eater. I turned to my wife and asked her if she wanted mine and she said yes so I put it on her shake. Then I made the comment that I don't eat cherries, never have and never will. She made that sexual and looked at me, in the middle of the restaurant saying, "what are you talking about." Again, I jokingly said, I don't eat cherries, never have and never will. Her next comment to me was, "so are you giving me permission?" Let me clarify that. Since we don't have sex anymore she keeps eluding to the fact that she was going to find her a side piece. Yeah, I shrug that off as just a joke. Knowing what she was talking about I turned to her and said, "so if I want anal sex again you would be fine with that." Yes, we've done that in the past. It's nothing I crave but we have done it. She then turns to me and flat out says no. Then she turns to me again and asks me to clarify what I meant by the cherry comment. I told her it was just a joke and let's just move on. She then said she was not done with the conversation. After we got to the car I knew she wasn't done because that's what she does. When she wants to talk about something she talks about it no matter what you want to do. You can say all day long it was a joke or you were kidding but she wants to continue driving down that road until she is satisfied the conversation is over, in her mind. We get in the car and immediately she turns to me asking about "so are you done eating cherries." At that point I had had enough because I get tired of always getting suckered into here trap of "I'm not done with this conversation." When she asked me I just went off. I told her yes, I was done eating pussy. I told her we're not teenagers or even in our early 20s or 30s anymore. Some things you may have done then you no longer want to do now and yeah, that's one thing I would rather not do anymore. When I was doing it my wife likes hair down there and I have told her I prefer it cleaner. She refuses to shave or even trim it up at all. Then I may go down on her for 20 or 30 minutes and she rarely goes down on me. And when we do have sex she tends to be dry or she'll lay there and let me do all the work or will even say something like "hurry up and finish." Mood killers to me. After that she went silent and didn't say a word to me the entire drive home. She goes into the bedroom and closes the door. When she comes out about 20 minutes later you could tell from the look on her face she had been crying. Seriously! We've had sex once in the past almost 2 years so how much pussy licking are you really missing out on. I could see if we were doing it 2 or 3 rimes a week and she gets pleasured that way every single time and now all of a sudden I told her no more. Just as good as I can completely overlook her comment about giving her permission she could have just took what I said about no longer eating cherries as a joke and moved on. No, she wanted to unpack that comment to see where my mind was. Again, we're no longer spring chickens but to those in long term relationships, are you still doing the same thing now that you were doing when you first met? Yeah, I could have just ignored her completely on the drive home but that would have made matters worse. I reacted because I was tired of always having to defend everything I say. It was a joke, move on, but I came across as in the wrong. Was I? How could I have avoided this argument with my wife or was she just looking for something to nit pick about?
One of the things about being a husband is that we never know what we might say that will piss her off and to the extent that she won't let it go... even if you really were joking. Once the cherries thing went sideways, it just kept going so, in retrospect, maybe you shouldn't have said what you did - but if you had known that it would result in a major clusterfuck, you wouldn't have said it but since you didn't, you piss off the wife, you pay the price for it and it doesn't matter if she was being nitpicky or not. You screwed the pooch, plain and simple. You can't clean that up or apologize for it so you take your lumps and learn something from it. We all learn to just keep our mouths shut when it's so easy to use a moment to try to be funny and, well, you weren't funny as far as she was concerned and now you get your head handed to you. With the no sex situation going on, well, that probably just made everything worse... for you, anyway.
But when I mentioned anal sex she flat out said no. I didn't get my panties all in a wad. But I guess that's the price of being a rational thinking guy. If she says no I go on and let it go. I bring it back up to my boys but definitely not to her. But if I say no to anything she wants then I better have a power point presentation ready to defend my statement and allow her the rebuttal to change my mind.
Yeah, I'm not surprised by that - a lot of women operate under an inexplicable double standard that says she can say no to anything and doesn't - and won't - explain her reason but if you say no to her, your neck is on the chopping block... but you're not really required to explain yourself and if she feels that she doesn't have to, well, what's good for the gander is good for the goose. Like, you prefer her coochie to be nice and bald and... you have no right to tell her what to do with her body. None. And I've known women to make having sex with them a nightmare over something like that. Or, as their libido goes away, they start doing the "dead body" routine and expecting you to do all of the work while they just lie there all dry and uninterested and hoping that you won't ask to have sex again anytime soon. You still just never know what will set a woman off and that's a seriously bad position for anyone to be in. My lady gives me shit about not talking to her and I nicely remind her that I don't talk to her about anything because she's always taking something about me and making it about her or acting like whatever I'm talking about is of no consequence or concern to her so... I don't talk to her like that and I won't until - and as I tell her - she learns how to talk to people and especially me and as long as she doesn't, I don't have anything to say. She has a hissy fit about something and I ignore her or let her know that whatever she's pissed about isn't a concern of mine and, yep, if she thinks she can piss me off and there won't be consequences, she knows that there will be because I can play this game, too. On the whole, I don't know what to tell you that's going to get you out of the doghouse and it's got to be very uncomfortable having to tip-toe around her like she's a bomb that could go off at any time and for any reason. The majority of relationships wind up in the toilet because of communication failures and that includes not knowing how to talk to each other without someone getting offended or going into a snit because they can't take a joke or just being plain old petty. Eventually, it might come down to whether or not you want to stay in such a relationship but if you've been together for a long time, yeah, there's kinda no point in leaving, is there?
Trust me, I've been dealing with the dead body for years hence one of the reasons we haven't had sex in a while. She is of the impression that all she has to do is be a woman and I should always want to be inside of her. Yes, men are visual creatures but if all you're going to do is lay there then rush me to finish then why would I want to keep trying? And I do feel you on the communication point also. Every year on my job I put in my vacation for the entire year right after the new year so I can lock down those good dates. I always take 2 weeks off for Christmas but my wife can't fathom taking days off work unless there's a plane or long car ride involved. I have no problem just sleeping late and sitting in the house all day watching TV knowing I don't have to log into work. She, on the other hand only got Christmas day off and it was back to work for her on the 26th. That hole day I sat in the living room with the recliner laid our and Netflix on the TV. She got mad at me because I didn't say anything to her that day. Mind you, she was working an on her job. I would catch a case if I kept interrupting her every 20 minutes or so to come see what was on Netflix or I walked into her room just to see what she was doing. She wants constant communication but only on her terms. Whenever I tell her, "honey, this is how you make me feel", that is always followed up with "well let me tell you what you do." She can never look at herself and take a step back without trying to even the score. A lot of the time I just shut my mouth and not say a word. So when I do finally speak I do tend to lash out due to weeks and months of built up frustration. Now if she was to tell me what was bothering her I dare not open my mouth until she has talked for 45 minutes on every little thing. "I hate the way you tie your shoes." "Your car is dirty." "Your mom didn't send me enough food." Yadda Yadda Yadda! Nothing is ever her fault. Especially sex. "All men want sex so why don't you want me?" Stop stereotyping all guys to just wanting one thing. Yeah, I love sex but the hassle to get it kills the mood.
My heart bleeds for you and I'm not kidding. Women like this never understand it when their husbands want to escape all of this toxicity and, oh, say, start sleeping with men - and men who are in a similar situation at home. I wouldn't want her either if all she was going to do was play dead or tell me to hurry up and finish. So, if I may, what, if anything, are you going to do?
Maybe I'm just a rare breed but I don't want to be in constant conversation with you all day long. Go in the other room and watch TV. Call your momma or your sister. Go hang out with your best friend. Do something other than wanting to be up under me talking about one of her Netflix shows that I couldn't care less about. I don't want to hear about Tyler Perry's The Oval or Sistas, I don't look at those shows. And I definitely don't want to sit about talk about your bunions or corns or how you can't wear certain shoes. My wife has this thing to where if she has a doctor's appointment and the minute she walks back into the house if I'm not running up to her like a puppy who hasn't seen his master all day long to ask how the visit went then I obviously don't care about her health. She'll sit down silently and then stew within herself because I've not asked her how the appointment went. I look at it this way, if the appointment went good and everything was fine then there's no need to tell me how it went. If there was a problem then don't wait for me to ask, just tell me. You don't know how many times we've had an argument because I didn't ask her within the first 5 minutes of her walking back into the house. Only for me to ask "so how was your appointment?" And her answer is usually, "fine."
