Are extra- marital affairs really the "norm" in America?

Ok. So this really concerns me. The other day I was watching a popular cable series with my wife and I became a bit agitated by the ease with which the main married couple engaged in extra-marital sex. They seemingly had no issues with it, at least so far in the show. I mentioned to my wife that I was having a hard time with this as to me it seemed to be focused on something that was not normal behavior ( whatever normal behavior means) at least to me. She very casually and emphatically said that it was very normal behavior and is what most people do. I am not a prude but I could not imagine ever doing that. I am concerned about the attitude of at least my wife and maybe others in society that this is somehow normal or usual behavior. And I am worried about what it means for our society. ( I should add that my first wife had a long and secret affair with a very close friend.)

Has our society come to the point that having extra-marital sexual affairs is accepted? Is normal? And if so what is the impact on society as it becomes more widespread? I'd like to hear your beliefs and experience and thoughts in this.

 

The statisical cheating rate is 60%, but that included 1-timers, rather than repetitive affairs over a longer period of time.

But I imagine it is a problem, and depending on what generation you are in and where you live geographically in the USA, you will encounter acceptance or shame from such actions.

But as a rule no I don't think your wife can make a broad statement like that
as a rule.

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As for society, it means it is deteriorating, and is going to be a mess in how finances and family structure are calculated, and this makes sense when we see a shrinking of the middle class.

 

The norm? No. Acceptable? No.

But.... as monk said....

So, yes, on that, it is common.
But that doesn't mean that that 60% is people that think it's okay or are always doing that. People do things once or twice and then stop.
And some people never do (obviously, about 40%).

 

I also want to add that it's not just the USA.

This cheating stuff happens globally, and in almost all nations.

Another nation that has very different cultural stance on affairs, but also marriage in general given how the legal title of marriage affects finances, people stay with the title of boyfriend/girlfriend in Sweden; affairs are commonplace.

 

Have you ever watched the Mexican dramas? Everybody hooks up with everybody. I asked a guy from Peru about that since it's a very catholic region, and he explained that while some act that way, it's mostly dramatic fantasy that many people don't actually practice.

Though TV should be taken with a grain of salt, about half of all american mirages end in divorce, and when seen in relation to 60 percent admitting to cheating...clearly we are not so causal about affairs as TV or your wife.

I think more concerning then the attitude on sex is the attitude that if it can be done in entertainment, it can be done in real life. When i used to watch WWF, I could catch the guys signing moves to each other, but knew more than one person in real life who was convinced they were watching real life fights. Kids have been injured or killed because they try thing they saw in wrestling entertainment in reality with no supervisor to tell them how the trick worked. Many parents with our high divorce and unplanned pregnancy rates are raising kids in single parent homes so who will teach them better? Even with parents staying together, the economy often demands both work full time to support a family, and again, who will teach kids better?

When the TV is the baby sitter, what kids learn about etiquette and social norms is understandably skewed.

 

yeah....not so much with the 'american' slant on things

or maybe stuff like President Hollande is just an illusion

 

Yeah that concerns me too.

Even here on these forums I remember people saying they've come from a house without a stable model to emulate or guide them in how to be in their own romantic relations with people.


It is an evil generation of youngsters we raise now who think only about political posturing, materialism, and image and or the YOLO do whatever before you die lifestyle.

Another huge chunk of society also really encourages taking delight in the plight of others suffering like the movie jackass or things like it.


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I will say this on the divorce statistics in the USA though, that statistic is the ratio between how many marriages vs how many divorces occurred in that same year.

It by no means guarantees that an individual couple married today has a 50/50 chance of divorce. That depends on the details of the relationship of that said couple. An argument can be made that there are enough couples who get married on a weak foundation that are destined to end a few weeks later or couples from decades past that are just divorce now in a wave that are skewing the statistics as well.


Just keep that in mind people about how toes statistics are derived.

And focus on what aspects in your life you can control, like your relationship and it's good and bad attributes and what you'd like to improve on it.


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Also online discrete affair sites, are also allowing adultery to run or be performed in total secrecy now, and I don't know of any data or research that shows how these types of sites impact the rate of affairs both genders perform in America without discovery.

 

We may be like Shia muslims but we turn to becoming the polygamist Sunni's again. Catholics though want that knowledge for when and why secret.unk:

 

Monkjr, that 60% figure is unrealistically high. What is your source?

According to NORC (the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago), more realistic numbers are 3%-4% of married spouses cheat in any given year in the U.S. The number is 15%-18% when averaged over the course of a typical marriage. To quote from an article in Forbes magazine:

"This is a far cry from the claims of some sex researchers like Sherry Hite, who has posited that 70% of women who have been married for five years or more are having affairs.

According to Smith (the researcher who collated the data), the proportion of Americans who have ever had an affair rises from 13% among 18- to 29-year-olds to 20% among those in the mid-life-crisis years, from ages 40 to 49. Then the level drops off"


So, if you're middle-aged, there appears to be a 1-in-5 chance that either you or your spouse will cheat. Younger or older than that and the odds are less. However, Smith points out that these values are the result of multiple years of data collected up through 2009. He adds that the likelihood of cheating for young marrieds (age 30 or less) may currently be a bit higher, as they've been married less long and are more used to multiple sex partners.

Interestingly enough, 80% of Americans (even those who are in or have been in extra-marital relationships) say that extra-marital sex is ALWAYS wrong. This is up from 70% in the 1970s. In spite of that, only about 26% of those polled think that premarital sex is wrong. So, I guess all that fucking I did in college was OK after all!

 

Wow, those statistics are innnsaaannneeee. Personally, I could never understand cheating, just break up already. Neither my husband, nor myself have ever cheated on a SO. For us, it's an automatic deal breaker. I'm interested as to what the reasons or moral justifications are to cheat.

 

I don't think very many people try to justify it. It's generally just accepted as a really shitty mistake.

 

The sex drive is stronger than the constructs of human society. Not for all--just some, according to many variables. Doubt it's ever been any different throughout history. It's just that EVERYTHING is known now.

 

Good points mamma & Scratcho.

Eta:
Mamma, but why do so many people do it then (according to the statistics provided) I mean if they know it's a shitty thing to do.

 

I'd assume there'd be lots of reasons. Maybe scared to leave the other partner, unable to leave (financially) possibly. Or they might just have sought refuge from a troubled relationship that went too far.

That's the awful thing about people. They're humans that sometimes make bad decisions.

 

Also, some times they're probably just scum bags.

 

Lol, scumbags.

That's true about the financial aspect, never thought about that. I was stuck in a relationship for 3 years after it went sour bc of finances. If I was a scumbag I would've cheated. My heart checked out way before my body.

 

The 60% cheating statistic came from a sociology/anthropological study that was cited in a psychology book in a psychology class I took 3 years back? So the statistic is a bit dated but not by much.

I didn't save the exact source and I rented that textbook.
Also to clarify that statistic is about anybody who cheated period, not just married-affairs.

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Ahh makes you wonder....how much of a relationship emotional core is really social programming and dependent on outside factors like money.

 

So OP, brace yourself for coming home from a hard day of work one day to find your wife being body slammed by some John Doe, and as she looks over at you and says "It's no big deal honey, everyone is doing it..." is when you break out the uzi 9mm and light them up!


Seriously though, yeah if I were in your shoes and I heard my wife say that I'd be a bit concerned as well, though I don't know the exact context of the show you were watching, your relationship or you wife for that matter. Could she have been kidding? Also don't use this as a reason to get all suspicious or upset per say, but on the other hand if your wife was serious then she may be telling you something as well. Only way to find out for sure is crack open that can of worms and bring that situation back up with her.

I know there's the "free love" forum which tends to bleed out into other forums as well which kind of blows my mind as I couldn't imagine my wife banging some other guy nor me banging someone else myself, but then again we're both pretty old fashion. Good luck....

 

I actually recently heard a slightly higher statistic than that.

 

Wouldn't surprise me,a good chunk of years have past and 3 new waves of 18 year olds raised in media or have been raised in households that don't have stable relationship models with being told to do things because YOLO, have arrived on the scene since then.

Not to mention social networking makes it easier to cheat and not get found out.

But I predict we will see a resurgence of STD/STD crippling and deaths in the near future, given that more drug resistant strains are making headway, and not all people can take the strong antibiotics needed to treat the medical ailment.

If that happens I can't advocate free love or pre-marital sex or sex education in the same way anymore. I'd have to become an abstinence only advocate if we get to that point.