Anyone feel like editing?

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by SexyDreads, May 10, 2004.

  1. SexyDreads

    SexyDreads Member

    It went something like, "maybe I should just kick your teeth in for the rest of it."

    I wasn’t there, but from what I heard Nic was making an offering of Molly to this kid who at the time was already expanding his mind on some fungus he had gathered from the hills. The deal was he had asked the kid if he’d ever tried Molly and if not if he’d like to now. I guess the kid was all about the deal and took the pill from Nic’s giving hand and ate it. He then fumbled through is wallet for the twenty dollars he owed him for the pill and in the dimness of dusk, could only come up with a five bill.

    "Maybe I should just kick your teeth in for the rest of it," said Nic. The kid I guess then exchanged a few far out words with him, but he soon realized the argument would go nowhere with his mind so distant and had no time for the negative energy that was growing inside himself. Nic wished the kid well for a happy trip and went on his way.

    It was Barter Fair Weekend and when Nic and the boys reached back to camp, Morgan and I had been waiting for quite sometime. At the time, Morgan was Nic’s fancy and Nic was Morgans, but you’ll read more about that later. It was dark when they returned and we were all worn out from the days bartering and playing around in the sun. We had arrived the night before and got little sleep, if any that I can remember. It was my first time attending, though they had all gone before. You had to pay an outrageous amount of cash to crash. Camping was almost fifty dollars a carload or ten dollars a person, however you want to put it. By the time we had reached camp it was dark and late and we just wanted to sleep. Nic had brought these nifty little walkie-talkies and decided that it would be best if he, Morgan, and Ephraim got out of the car and hiked to camp while Brian and I drove up the hill to pay, park and set up. The plan was for us to use the walkie-talkies and they would find us when they crept through the brush into the campground to find us. This worked exceptionally well, but for some reason, I cant remember quite so well now, Brian and I had to sleep in my car that night. It was bitter cold and I don’t think I slept much at all. Nic sure kept things interesting. Hell, we saved thirty dollars.

    Nic was a sort of mad scientist; he always had something brewing in his laboratory like Seattle home and almost every time I visited with him he was ingesting some sort of experience I was anxious to try after witnessing the effects play through his body like a puppet. It seemed that while under these spells, Nic would have the most interesting in depth conversations with you. The topic was never the same and it was never that important. His short ramblings would often twist and turn into high speed word chases. Thoughts would seem to pour out of his mind, drip onto his tongue and splash out of his mouth at top speed. Nic was witty. He knew exactly what to say at just the right time. And sometimes not. Sometimes he didn’t know exactly what to say at just the right time, but his words always seemed to fit like a good, used pair of jeans. He was a good guy to have around.

    I never really knew Nic though, not like I wanted to at least. He was part of a recent group of kids I was hanging out with. In the previous year I worked at a small crystal shop in the downtown area of Tacoma and had met two of Nic’s friends, Ephraim and Brian. I remember that day very well, as groggy as I was. It was the day after a long night of drinking and with my eyes still partially crusted shut, I worked the cash register purely out of habit. Brian was the first to walk in. He walked in and stopped to look briefly at a few items, then continued his easy stroll through the store. I was at the counter fiddling with my sweaters hood strings when I saw him walk by. A quick fix in the mirror and I was off for a sale and maybe a phone number. Brian had a baby face. He was cute and handsome at the same time, not overly beautiful or chiseled.

    "Can I help you?" I asked in a chipper tone, trying to make myself sound better than I looked.

    "Well, actually, yeah. What is this stuff? Is it natural? Where does it come from?"

    "Its Bismuth, it is natural, and it comes from the Earth," I said with a smirk. There was a bit of a laugh from Ephraim as he looked closely at the Bismuth.

    "Oh, well how much is it?"

    I’m not clear on how much exactly the Bismuth was, but I told him the price and he nodded in agreement for the mineral.

    At the register I told them about a local happening that evening that I was invited to, and invited them. They seemed interested and told me to call them if it was all right. Well, it turns out I lost the directions and phone number to the guy who invited me. Maybe it was meant to happen, I don’t know, but we still met up and we still had fun. We drove aimlessly around Puyallup, talking and getting to know each other, eventually ending up at one of their friends house for a drum session. I didn’t have many friends then mostly because I had cut off a lot of bad ties I had with people. These guys were different though. It was the beginning of a long strange trip.
     
  2. Sebbi

    Sebbi Senior Member

    It's very good, it get's a bit repetitive though, it says the word "Nic" too many times for my liking.

    I think it would work a bit better if you could condense the many characters down a bit, unless this is an excerpt from a larger piece of work.

    These would work really well as anecdotes about the you could throw into a larger work, maybe not on their own.

    If this is a piece of work on it's own you need the story to progress a bit more.

    Otherwise, I don't think this needs much editing.

    Blessings

    Sebbi
     
  3. SexyDreads

    SexyDreads Member

    Its the start of a book Ive been writing. Its about my life, and all the strange events Ive encountered and experienced.

    I too felt that Nics name was in there so many times. But I dont know how to, or how the readers will distiguish him from the frying boy in the beginning. So I use his name a lot instead of 'he' or 'his'. I tried it though, read the first few paragraphs again, please.

    The other characters mentioned in this chapter will be mentioned immediatly in the next. Shall I post that as well?

    Thanks,
    Peace,
    Jessica
     
  4. mkc414

    mkc414 Member

    hey sexydreads,

    im not a real editor, here are my ideas-

    Overall i felt like you laid out plenty of fertile ground for a much longer story. I think nic was described the best, I dont have as strong of an impression of the other characters' personalities.

    a lot of the narration could probably be trimmed down or implied by dialogue or by the way an action or scene is presented- it would be more engaging and memorable to be there (as a reader) for something that happened, rather than hear about it secondhand. i particularly enjoyed your figurative language, would love to see more of it. wish you the best, im all tired out :p

    mkc
     
  5. mamasoul

    mamasoul Member

    hey there.
    first, i'd suggest cutting out the *it was*, *he was*, etc....
    for example, you wrote: "It was the day after a long night of drinking and with my eyes still partially crusted shut, I worked the cash register purely out of habit."
    Instead, you could write, "After a long night of drinking, I worked the cash register out of pure habit, with my eyes still partially crusted shut."

    Try eliminating any unneccessary words in a sentance. Words that help the reader see, feel, hear, smell what is going on are ok, but....
    Well, another example...you wrote: "It seemed that while under these spells, Nic would have the most interesting in depth conversations with you."
    You can condense it by saying, "Nic spoke with wit and depth while under these spells."

    If you'd like any more tips, pm me :D
     

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