Anxiety

Hi, I hope that I have come to the right place. My apologies if this is the wrong sub-forum.

I'm male (31 yo) I've been on a few dates with a woman I'm very keen on and she disclosed the she was trans. It was a surprise but I do like her so we have seen each other a few times. So far nothing further than some kissing.

I think we may be ready to take our relationship to the next level. However, I'm feeling nervous although I don't want to be. I know she is pre-op and I'm worried that I won't get aroused or know what to do. Obviously I've only been with cis women never done anal or anything like that.

Is it going to be very different or am I getting anxious over nothing? Is it better to let her down gently first before things go further?

 

I’m my opinion your best bet would be to treat her like you’d like to be treated. What appendages she has or doesn’t have doesn’t matter. If you really like her, you all will figure it out. I’ll tell ya, if I wasn’t married I’d definitely look for a trans person as my next love interest.

 

Thanks for the reply.

Of course I mean to treat her well. I really like her and we seem to have a lot in common.

I know it shouldn't matter what she has or doesn't have but all the same I feel a little nervous. I don't want to embarrass myself or her because its all new to me. I'm used to being with a woman who has a vagina. I feel bad for thinking about it like that but it is what it is.

Am I going to be expected to lead her or what? It's difficult if I don't know what I'm doing.

 

Look at it this way, you have a penis so you know what feels good. Just do it. Don’t be shy, grab ahold of that thing like you own it. You two will get the feel of each other a lot quicker than you think.

 

That's very easy to say. I've spent my life not wanting to handle anyones penis. What if she doesn't want me to? That's exactly the kind of mistake I'm worried about.

 

I wouldnt mind having a trans lover
after my first wife passed i was on one of those match site and one that came up was some one who was trans
not sure how far but would have been fine with me as i was still taking hormones my self
too bad i never followed up , wish I had

 

I'd start off by simply talking with her. Discuss your confusion, uncertainty, and anxiety; your attraction, admiration, and affinity for her, too. What are her hopes, aspirations, and fears? Trust and emotional intimacy are essential, but they don't come automatically; we must develop them.

 

In hindsight, this is much better advice than I gave. Since I’m not trans, I was only looking at it from one side.

 

Thanks. Most women in my experience don't like guys exposing too much emotional vulnerability too soon. Do you think it will be received better in this case?

And just to be clear, I'm not attracted to her because she is trans. When we started dating I din't know anything about all that. I'm attracted to her because of many things. I want to make love to her because of her femininity not because of any difference, if it isn't wrong to say so. I feel like it s a mine field.

I'm nervous because it will be like a first time and that's not a great feeling. I just want it to be a beautiful experience just like with any other woman.

 

Intimacy exists on a continuum; it's not either all or nothing. She has entrusted you with sensitive information about herself; intimate information that in malevolent hands could literally get her killed. That's real vulnerability.
She must feel safe with you to share her secret. Please be the kind of person who warrants such trust.

 

I completely get it that she's exposed and shared a part of herself that is very personal and makes her vulnerable. I do feel privileged. But that doesn't mean that I don't have my own issues. As I said, it's not normally the way that us men do things by being too forward with our feelings. Perhaps that isn't right but it is how it is.

I'm both excited and nervous at the same time. This isn't a situation I'm familiar with, or ever imagined myself in, hence the nerves.

 

You are going to end up handling something down there you're probably not accustomed to doing. Are you willing to do that for her? You are at some point going to have to introduce her to family and friends. Are you willing to hold her hand and say this is my girlfriend and to not bend to peer pressure if they catch on? She is a human being, not a novelty item or a secret.

 

You are right. But I guess I won't know until the time comes. Nobody knows the future. Should I forget the whole thing? At this point it's a bit early to be talking about introductions to family and friends.

I know she's not a novelty item, but at the same time I can't pretend this is just the same. What am I to do?