Anti-spanking

Ignorance in what? Discipline? Parenting? I don't think so.


Hitting a child is abuse, plain and simple. There are more effective, kinder forms of discipline than whacking a kid. All it takes is a little patience and understanding. Everyone is much happier and safer.

 

Ignorance as in not being hit as a child.

Bullshit! Maybe kinder but not more effective. My family life was better when we were getting beaten and noone was in any danger.

 

Oh, yes I was hit. Spanked, slapped, beat with a belt, threatened with a closed fist, etc. The only thing that was effective, is having my relationship with my father destroyed.

I have two beautiful little girls and they are the sweetest, kindest, most well behaving children I know. I don't have to lay a hand on them. We have conversations and work out problems like people should.

 

I am sorry for assuming you were ignorant. Did your father hit you over big things or little things?

Conversations and working out problems don't work well when the kids are repeatedly acting up.

 

If you aren't a parent, how the hell would you know? Parenting takes IMAGINATION and hard work, hitting takes a hand or a fist or a board or a belt. Not much of a comparison, is it?

Here's the thing. MANY MANY parents parent their children effectively with NO hitting. That means that those who DO hit simply don't try as hard at more effective, less violent strategies. HITTING KIDS IS MEAN AND LAZY!!!!

If I can do it,(parent without hitting) so can anyone. I have a TERRIBLE temper, I am awfully impatient, I don't like being disrepected. If I can parent without hitting my kids, than it is possible for ANYONE to. But they have to try. Hitting is EASY, you don't think, you just smack. Damn, you need a license to get a dog (and shelters can prevent you from getting one, if you have a history of abusing (ie hitting) animals) but anyone can have a kid, and seeminly do anything with the child. Sad.

 

WHERE did you get that?

 

Duck, WHY are you protecting you abuser? That is really sad.

I could quote about a bazillion experts who can attest to the damages that physical punishment wreaks on children, but here are just a few. Just one caveat. We all know that on occasion, most parents get frustrated. When these parents do hit, they usually KNOW it is wrong and feel really bad about it (I've smacked my oldest once or twice when she was young and IMMEDIATELY knew I was wrong, and then I stopped) we aren't talking about an occasional slip, but intentional and repeated physical damage, intentionally inflicted on the most vulnerable members of our Earth.


This link is AMAZING, linking crime and incarceration to physical punishment during childhood.

http://www.naturalchild.org/research/corporal_punishment.html



Including this enlightening passage:

And this one:

And this, from a child psychologist:

Spanking as sexualized abuse
By Jonathan J. Donahue
SOURCE: Counseling Today, May 2001

​

Spanking and sexual abuse are terms that aren't generally categorized together. The average person knows that sexual abuse is damaging and illegal, whereas spanking is still legal and widely practiced. As a psychotherapist working with children and families, I frequently encounter parents who spank their children, and I am often frustrated by their casual assertions that this practice is harmless and necessary.

Mental health professionals, however, seem fairly united in believing that spanking is damaging and some even suggest that spanking teaches kids that it's OK to hit when frustrated. But I believe that the damage can go well beyond that and spanking is actually a sexualized form of abuse.

To begin with, something many counselors, parents and teachers say to children to help prevent sexual abuse is that their private parts are any part of the body that would be covered if they were wearing a bathing suit. Obviously, the genitals are the areas of most concern. However, the buttocks are also covered by a bathing suit and, in general, children are taught not to touch people there or to display this part of the body in front of others.

Of course, when children are very young they need help with bathing and toilet hygiene, thus some contact from parents is necessary. But many parents spank their children well beyond the age where such intimate touch is appropriate.

And what happens when a child is spanked? This area of the body which they've been taught is private is suddenly touched forcefully by an adult. And the child is told it's OK. All of a sudden, things are rather confusing.

Carry it one step further and you have adults pulling down children's pants to spank bare buttocks. First of all, having your pants suddenly yanked down isn't much different than having your clothes torn off by a rapist. Parents commit these symbolic rapes routinely. To be treated in such an intrusive manner is to feel profoundly disrespected.

And then this protected, private part of the body is not only being exposed, but also brutally stimulated. Some adults think that humiliation should be part of this so-called learning process. They may have the child perform accompanying rituals such as having to go and get the belt or paddle to be used on them, to pull down their own pants or to count the blows aloud.

When this occurs, obviously the adult has gone beyond punishment. Indeed, I believe they've crossed the line into pleasure -- their own pleasure -- the sadistic thrill of exerting power over a weaker being.

Although pain, humiliation and fear are the victim's main responses, there may also be a certain element of excitement, though virtually unconscious in comparison to the shame, anger and helplessness that flood the senses.

This bewildering blend may manifest itself in many dysfunctional ways in later childhood and adulthood. Just look at our culture for evidence. Pick up the weekly arts newspaper in large cities and find an expensive buffet of kinky thrills to choose from. There are many clubs where one can go to be spanked, whipped or humiliated. Phone sex lines dealing with this theme abound. The "scene," as participants in sadomasochism call it, is gradually becoming more noticeable and accepted.

And while I believe that consenting adults should be able to do what they want in private, obsessions with fetishes can dilute true, sexual, emotional intimacy. And accidents do happen and people do get hurt, physically and psychologically. Ultimately, I believe sadomasochism is a cultural symptom of something being wrong -- something in our sexual upbringing. Because this dimension of the anti-spanking outlook is rarely examined, it is likely that many therapists ignore it.

It is certainly true, however, that spanking can affect children differently. The sensitivity of the victim, the comfort with touching and nudity in the family and relationship with the perpetrator all impact how this socially accepted form of punishment will affect the child.

Context is also important to consider. For example, children living in severely abusive homes may feel that being spanked is the least of their problems, and they may be right. Others have been brainwashed by their parents and other authorities into believing the beatings were necessary, and therefore the trauma is repressed. But there are plenty of other kids and adults who became embarrassed and uncomfortable in discussing this subject. The shame is just below the surface, and the memory of helpless humiliation is too intense for casual discussion.

Therapists also need to become more comfortable with this topic. It's easy to let a client's casual mention of past spanking go by without exploring details and emotional results. Many clients, consciously or unconsciously, are adept at minimizing their abuse histories and lull clinicians into believing them. Using displacement communication, the technique of speaking hypothetically about traumas and their potential effects, allows the therapist to validate such experiences as traumatic, paving the way for a client to disclose anything they may be withholding.

Indeed, mental health providers need to approach this issue of spanking with the same dedication usually reserved for more "serious" forms of sexual abuse. I believe the effects will ultimately benefit the individual client as well as society at large.

Jonathan J. Donahue is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and psychotherapist in Woburn, Massachusetts


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mmm....yes...I see how hitting works as a punishment....too true, what do you guys do when the kid is too young to speak and is hitting or biting? Love to rationalise with them however I am left walking out and doing time outs...

not super efective all the time.

Don't diss those who haven't been sitting there with a kid at the end of their tether, they don't know that they will suddenly find it doesn't neccesarily work using all the disipline measures that parents may have used in the past. Man...who even wants to enter an argument with a non primary care giver about all this stuff? If you are not the primary care giver what the hell are you doing even getting close to frustration point wih the child? and if you are the primary care giver and you are actually reading this then I figure that you probaly like many other parents (ie: me!) and looking for the ultimate solution, or maybe just A solution!! Take care, be good and don't get grumpy or take it personally, I think this is a very important part of it all, particularly when they are young! oooeeerrr..be careful not to get too caught up in the wrong and right of it all and therefore miss the beauty of it all!! I have never felt so loved as when my naughty munchkin realise that giving someone a big kiss followed by a huge lick was funny...not really hey but nothing can make you laughl ike a two year ld determined to do something, even if it is gross!!

 

I have no idea what your point was, stephanie. I have four kids, I know about "tethers." And I DO take it personally, when people HIT little children. How could a caring person not?

A child too young to understand time outs is MUCH too young to be harmed, just for minor infractions, which is all babies that age are capable of. I redirect babies when they get too rowdy. If they hit me, I move their little hands and say "We don't hit. OW." Also, by not hitting I can use "I don't hit you, please don't hit me." with toddlers. I don't understand how people who hit their kids can get upset when their kids really belt them.

Did you all know that in almost ALL cases of "elder abuse" the situation is one of a grown child who was once seriously beaten as a small child? What comes around certainly goes around, especially if you teach children that the less powerful person in the struggle will get hurt. YOU will be the one getting knocked around, when you are old and too weak or frightened to defend yourself.

 

Because it's an effective method and it's not abuse if it is not done in a "rough or cruel way".

 

Now, hitting that young of kids is wrong.

 

Im 22. I have a child who is 3 now. I was spanked as a child. My mother was also spanked as a child and worse. Sometimes I was hit with a ping pong paddle. I got in knock down drag out fights with my mom as a teenager. I was a very angry person coming into adulthood. But I soon realized you can't act that way to other adults or your husband and certanly not a child. There are far more and better ways to deal with situations then hitting and anger. And farrrr better things to be teaching your children. A person who hasn't stableized their own feelings and past learned behaviors and issues is going to give that to their kids. I personaly got a handle on it before it was too late to turn back. Hitting does make kids afraid, angry, on and onand on...
Kids love their parents unconditionaly so if you get hit you still care about your parents but the connection where there could be a good one is busted.
wouldnt it be nice if your parents didnt make you fear at all...nomater the kind. If your parents were safe places to turn even when you did something wrong.

 

yes you were in danger...in such danger that your life has changed and warped you into thinking that hitting others is ok. YOu can thank your parents for that.

I saw how beating and hitting affected my parents and my friends parents and my friends and myself and decided I didn't want to be part of that circle of abuse. And it feels good to know that my son won't fear me or my punishments. and that Ill give him something positive to live by when he has his own kids.

 

I was spanked when I was younger.

I have never inticed a fight, never hit anyone. when I was a kid I deserved that spanking. I do believe that some parents do take it a bit too far. but I do think spanking should be an option. because some kids are just out of control, and they have never been punished, so they dont know the difference between right and wrong.

 

It is possible to punish a child without resorting to violence.


I just can't see anything that a CHILD could do that justify hitting. I don't get it. I mean, the worst thing Maddie ever did was either lie about something silly or try to sneak something and hide it in her room.

 

I dont possibly see what is wrong with it. my relationship between my parents is very strong. I have never caused any fist fights with anybody. just because I was spanked as a child doesnt neccesarily make me a violent person. IM the most pacifistic person out there.

 

well those are times where you dont need to spank. you have a mild kid there. Ive seen kids who like to hit, bite, scratch, and kick. my brother and his wife do not spank their kids. my youngest niece has a terrible problem of hitting or biting people. I think there are times where you do need to do some kind of punishment to stop certain behaviours.

 

Ok. Hitting as punishment just confuses the kid. Tell them, "Don't hit your sister!" and then hit them? So, it's not okay for the child to hit others, but it's okay for mommy to hit the child? Children need to learn non-violent ways to solve conflict, and spanking (or whatever) reinforces the idea that hitting/using force helps get what you want.

 

i try really hard not to swat my kids. My daughter Raven who is 5 has hardly even in her whole 5 years been spanked or swated on hands, shes very sweet and well behaved. My son who is three is Very different. Very! he bits hits, screams, throws things ,runs in the street repeatly ,laughing at me, climbs the stairs at are apatment complex, repeatly laughing when i've told him not too, just in the last month i've made a commintment to try not to spank anymore, but it is sooo hard with him.


If i just try to talk to him he screams and hits me over and over, time out, he repeatly comes out of his room to scream at me more. I was blessed with a mellow child the first time, now i have A out of control child.I'm not sure how to handle him, its very frustrating. Honestly it just sounds like you all have been blessed with children like my oldest calm and mellow. Do any of you have a wild child like my youngest??? if so give me some pointers on how to deal with him.

 

no matter what you do, you will get a difficult child.

and for you mothers that think it was how you punished/reinforced them, dont be so self righteous please. not all kids are the same. some of you are just blessed with good kids.