Anti-spanking

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by StarFaerie, Jan 24, 2005.

  1. StarFaerie

    StarFaerie Member

    My husband is afraid we'll "have" to spank our son at some point (he's only about 10 1/2 months right now) I REALLY don't believe in hitting children as punishment. Now Chris says he doesn't want to do it, but he says he doesn't think anything else would work for certain things. (Geez my mother was telling us you can 'spank' him now by smacking his thigh when he pulls hair or something, spank him now! Can you believe it? He obviously doesn't understand it hurts, he pulls his own hair much harder!), I was wondering if any of you know of good sites (with printable pages hopefully, this is my work computer) or books that explain why spanking is bad and not neccesary, maybe some sites or books about alternative discipline that works? Thanks!
     
  2. Sage-Phoenix

    Sage-Phoenix Imagine

  3. nimh

    nimh ~foodie~

  4. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    I don't hit my freinds when they do something I don't like. I don't hit my husband when he does something I don't like, likewise, I wouldn't hit my children just because they do something I don't like.

    www.mothering.come has some really good BBs, many containing alternatives to hitting.

    I don't like the word "Spank" it sounds like a snack. (Cheeze spankies, tater spankies, BBQ spankies, soy spankies.) It sounds cute. Let's call it what it is.......hitting.

    Good for you, Star, for not wanting to harm your children!!!!

    Blessings,

    Maggie
     
  5. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    OOOOOPS I just posted the same thing nimh did, before I read her post. Great minds think alike, nimh. LOL.
     
  6. Midget

    Midget Senior Member

    Spanking does nothing but piss a kid off, in my oppinion. There's better ways to disipline. :)

    Somehow I just read what Maggie posted...lol...I totally agree. Mmmm chese spankies. :)

    --Peace
     
  7. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    I'm kinda old fashioned when it comes to spanking because when my dad was still around he would spank me and my older brother silly. We were well disciplined. My brother's a lot older, he got spanked more and he's a lot more disciplined. However my younger sister isn't old enough to remember much about my dad and she's a royal brat.
    I am for spanking your children as long as you don't go overkill
     
  8. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    Who is to decide what is "overkill" and what is "fine?" (Jeez, just using the word "kill" kinda spells it out, HITTING kills chilren's spirits.)
     
  9. Midget

    Midget Senior Member

    Yeah, and there are so many better alternatives anyway...:)
     
  10. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    I don't spank my son and My cousin spanks his sons( and his wife) Their baby is 6 months younger about then mine. They always comment on how well behaved my son is and how happy he seems etc. They are constantly having to threaten their son with a spanking. Or so they think they do. I can't stand it.

    I remember when we were pregnant I had the convo with my man about if we were going to spank or not and I was convinced I would have to at some point and my husband said no way. See I was just projecting what I had learned about child rearing from my own upbringing and obviously I wasn't happy at times as a child..getting hit wasn't a happy thing to remember. The punishments never met the durty deed I did equaly.

    The very very best thing you can learn in this situation and your man is How to be an understanding and communicative parent with your child.
    _ talk to him like he's human and understands you
    _ Talk to him about what he just did. Kids learn from example...do you not expect him to return the hitting if you hit him? At some point it will return from his mind and he will project the hitting. Instead...I do this: I stay calm and I say I don't want to play that game ( whatever he did wrong) I dont make a huge deal out of him throwing fits because they never last very long..as soon as he has calms down I say "I didn't like it when you did (X) it wasn't very nice. it makes me sad when you do (x). Can we try again nect time?" He does understand me. And If I am ever angry or mad around him I alwys talk to him right after to let him know I wasn't mad at him etc. These things are really important to little ones.

    Also thereare things you should know about Boys development as aposed to girls since you are the parent of one. Thesefacts come so in handy when you see them in action...you say wow it's really true!
    Things like How their brains actualy go on pause after the do something wrong...while they are in pause the do it again. For example when a girl hits a boy she things with her cognitive brain more and is more into the emotional connectedness of her action so she will automaticly think about how the other person is hurt. A boy on the other hand Thinks with a different part of his brain, the cognative part developes differently...when he hits someone will not automaticly know tht was wrong right away...his brain will pauseand he may hit the person again..then realize his action. This is even the same with adults.
    I'll look for my info on this stuff again it's good stuff to know about boys. (and girls).
    Some good books are books by joseph chilton pierce...He's jsut awsome! Google him.
     
  11. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    You never really know how it will effect your family until you actualy do it. You don't want YOU ( the childs protective matrex to the world) to be the person he/ she fears as someone who has to have power over them and not for them. The punishment for the child should match their wrong action. It would be like some giant smacking you every time you did something remotely wrong. Just imagine it. Just imagine a child who was never spanked..you don't Have to spank them...it's not an option. Children are out of control because their parents are out of control. Children are in control when their parents are in control. Hitting isn't control. If it was you would not have to continue to hit your kids..if it actualy worked.
     
  12. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    I wrote this in my journal yesterday _Mason is 3
    1 24 2005
    I had a good moment with mason just now. He had a good day of play ( some cartons) I was taking him away from his play at the sink and everything was going smoothly when he realized he was going down for a nap and flopped into his no nap fit. I stayed totally calm and put him in his crib when he bit my arm, hit me in the face, and screamed at me and began throwing his toys out. I just calmly said mason you know that I don’t like it when you talk to me like that you know it wasn’t nice of you to hit me and it’s bedtime I began to walk out and he flopped down to cry I came back and I handled him calmly and began to read a book which emediately calmed him down. After the book he said thanks momma and I told him it wasn’t nice of him to hit me like that when im putting him to bed and I didn't like how he was treating me and he said "I won't momma thanks momma." See I can’t see how people don’t think kids understand them when they talk nicely to them but they do.
     
  13. StarFaerie

    StarFaerie Member

    "I don't hit my freinds when they do something I don't like. I don't hit my husband when he does something I don't like, likewise, I wouldn't hit my children just because they do something I don't like."

    This is pretty much on the dot of what I think. Plus, it's ILLEGAL to hit an adult, your spouse or whoever. Why is it people are ok with hitting kids? Cause it's always been done? Well gee, lets bring back slavery then!


    "I remember when we were pregnant I had the convo with my man about if we were going to spank or not and I was convinced I would have to at some point and my husband said no way. See I was just projecting what I had learned about child rearing from my own upbringing and obviously I wasn't happy at times as a child..getting hit wasn't a happy thing to remember. The punishments never met the durty deed I did equaly."

    This is Chris's problem I think. Neither of us really have anything else to go on (well, my parents had to stop when I was like 7 or so cause I was getting too violent, but then they exchanged it with ridiculously long groundings so that's not much better) See, his thing is "he turned out ok", but I don't remember anything about spankings except I was scared of my mother. I don't ever remember it teaching me anything. I don't remember any "lessons", I just remember the hitting. But Chris said he doesn't want to so hopefully these links and books can help him understand.



    Besides Jeremy's a good boy. He used to go mess with Chris's controller wire for PS2 when he was playing it, and we tapped his hand roughly (we play rougher!) like twice to get him to actually let go of the wire, and the other times just said 'no' sternly and put him back amoung his toys, and now he knows! Oh he still tries to go over there, but now we say if we say 'no' in time he crawls over the wire like he wasn't going there at all (but we know better lol) Gee, it appears we don't have to smack his thigh to get him to learn!



    "You don't want YOU ( the childs protective matrex to the world) to be the person he/ she fears as someone who has to have power over them and not for them."

    Exactly, the world will be scary enough without us ruining the only really "safe" (emotionally and physically) place they have!


    Anyway thanks everyone, these should help!
     
  14. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    I didn't even say when I would hit, you can't just assume that I would hit every time the kids did "something remotely wrong"
    Hitting does not show lack of control, beating the kid senseless would show lack of control. Hitting the kids keeps them in line. They only are afraid when they do something wrong. They should be. It teaches them about respecting higher authority.
    I can understand you not wanting to spank your kids but, you can't say "it's not an option". It is an option, one I will use when I hav e children.
     
  15. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    And you will keep having to use that option because it does not work. It only enstills fear in yoru kids. It does not teach them respect for others or respect for you. And does not teach them how to solve their problems.
    Cowards hit kids because they are too afraid to change their learned ways
     
  16. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

     
  17. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    I agree hitting shows lack of control in an adult. Here is a very telling quote:
    Violence engenders MORE violence. I am so glad you are discussing this with your man, Star. Ever notice the kids who got hit the most in grade school by their parents were the WORST behaved, and the ones who were the most violent towards other kids? I noticed this when I was a kid. It wasn't that those kids started out mean and violent, the violence againts them did it.

    I remember being hit as a child, however, I cannot remember ONCE one thing I was hit for. I remember the punishment, but not the crime. That is saying something.

    MANY parents can parent, very effectively without hitting. If they can, so can the rest. Why do they not? I think hitting is lazy. No imagination, and doesn't want to take the time to talk or use other strategies. JMO.
     
  18. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    You people are saying all of these things about how hitting makes the jkid afraid, and act up more. Were you hit as a child?
    I was and I am young enough to remember how I felt about it. I wasn't afraid of my dad, I was just afraid of the punishment, so I didn't act up. I also learned respect that way.
     
  19. sugrmag

    sugrmag Uber Nerd

    Respect? Where is the respect in hitting a child? It's telling the child, "I don't know how to teach you properly, I have no respect for our relationship or your well-being." It's a cop-out. Screw teaching the kid, just beat him into submission. Please.
     
  20. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    No it isn't, it's an effective a form of discipline. I was trying to have a conversation about this, and you just come in, with nothing new but instead a showing of ignorance.
     

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