Angry About Girlfriend's Rape. Please Help.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by FlowerHuman77, Jul 26, 2013.

  1. FlowerHuman77

    FlowerHuman77 Member

    So, I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year. Our relationship is wonderful. A few months after we started dating she confided in me that she was raped in college four years ago. She never pressed charges and only told one or two people. It absolutely ruined her life. She says that I've helped her a lot over the past year. She's talked to me about it a lot. She's going to counseling now, she even told her mom about it a few weeks ago. We had to work at having sex for months because she would have flashbacks. Now we have a great sex life and no problems. She's doing so much better. She's very happy for the first time in years.

    She never told me much detail about what happened. Just talked about how she felt about it etc...until last night. She finally feels like she can talk about what happened and she wanted to tell me. She kept it together fine as she told me but I felt like someone had stabbed me. I couldn't help but cry but she was okay with that. Somehow not knowing exactly what happened made it easier to deal with. It always hurt me to see her scared and upset but this is so much worse. The rape was worse than I imagined. I can't bear to think about her going through that.

    After she told me the details last night I just held her for hours...when I finally dropped her off at her place...I lost it. I cried all the way home. It breaks my heart that this sweet, gentle woman I love was brutally and violently raped by some sick fuck that probably didn't lose any sleep over it or think about her again. I'm so angry! I'm physically in pain. I'd give anything to be able to take all this away from her but I can't and its driving me insane.

    How do I deal with this anger and pain? I don't want her to know how much it hurts me. I don't know how to deal with this...
  2. LetLovinTakeHold

    LetLovinTakeHold Cuz it will if you let it

    I've been in your exact situation not once, but twice. Once in high school and once in my early 20's. there's no real answer to your problem. The most important thing to do is to support your girlfriend. Try to get it out of your head, and don't bring it up to her but be there incase she wants to talk about it.

    If she could move on you have to figure out a way to do so also.
  3. NoxiousGas

    NoxiousGas Old Fart

    maybe finding the guy and putting a bullet through his skull would help,
    I know it would if it were me.
  4. Voyage

    Voyage Noam Sayin

    anger is corrosive... find a way to get thru in man.
    for her sake. it ain't about you.
  5. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

    sorry to hear that this happened.

    Going to counseling is probably the best route. You also might be able to talk to her counselor about what you can do that would help.
  6. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    Pummel a punching bag with everything you've got! Yell at it! Cuss it!!!

    Release it all.
  7. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    Wow, that sucks.

    Did she somehow put herself in a vulnerable position? Has she learned to be safer? Does she carry any sort of protection with her?

    My girlfriend was getting stalked for a little while; I had a couple of nightmares where I beat or killed the guy (who I never saw). Other than the guy disappearing, what really helped me was to read up and help her learn how to deal with the guy when/if he approached her, and when/if he was following her and to make sure she was protected.

    I got her triple action pepper spray that had nerve gas and UV ink in it, in case she was ever put in a dangerous situation. If he hadn't stopped, I would have taken her to self defense classes.

    Another thing is, you have to try to remove yourself from the situation. It will be hard, but you want to try and be the strong one. She needs you to be supportive and kind, but also firm. Remind yourself that it happened a long time ago and that time does heal (even if some scar remains); and that in the end, these events do make your stronger, or at least, wiser.
  8. la Principessa

    la Principessa Old School HF Member

    I agree with Aerianne. Let off steam somehow but try not to hold onto the anger. It could mess up things in your relationship. She's to the point of being past what happened and you don't want to upset her.
  9. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    The fact that she is telling you is a big deal. It implies a lot of trust.

    Don't you dare ask questions like Duck's. they sound victim-blaming.
    (They are perfectly reasonable in a stalking situation as Duck described, however.
    After the fact, they hurt. And you cannot take that back.)

    Focus on your partner's strength, what she has survived.
    It is ok to ask if she has any triggers from the rape. You don't want to inadvertently remind her of that incident.
    Encourage her to get counseling. It really does help.
    Have a few chats with a pro yourself.
  10. Cherea

    Cherea Senior Member

    I've been through it once. My very first girlfriend had been raped. I don't see a reason to be ashamed of your feelings, OP.

    My best.
  11. Grainpsilo

    Grainpsilo Member

    I had some guy try to rape a friend on mine once

    I waited for two years..... Took my time so he would forget all about it and one night he was walking back from the park when from the shadows I hosed him with a bear pepper spray canister from 20 feet away. Then I ran up and kicked him in the balls so hard he puked. As i walked away i could hear him crying and squealing like a stuck pig..... A man in absolute suffering.

    I never said one word to him.... Never told him why he was being attacked so that the psychological trama would be unbearable.

    Why was I attacked? Who attacked me? What did I do to deserve this? Will they attack me again? I hope he has nightmares about it...... Wakes up sweating and screaming at night.

    It was one of the satisfying nights of my life..... Pure pleasure and adrenaline washed over me and I let go of all the anger I held and to this day keep a few cans of bear spray in my garage just in case someone else needs a good hosing.

    I suggest you all buy some......"] SABRE FRONTIERSMAN Bear Attack Deterrent with Hip Holster - Maximum Strength & 30 Foot Range (7.9 oz): Sports & Outdoors
  12. RIPTIDE59

    RIPTIDE59 Banned

    Another reason why capital punishment should not be off the table for convicted rapists.
  13. You better hope its the truth or you will feel like the worlds biggest schmuck.

    Some of the things you've said dont quite fit.

    Is best you do some research or talk to a professional yourself to gauge how these things usually go. She had told one or two people, but for almost four years the mother wasnt one of them. So maybe try bring up the subject when its just you and the mother alone, that might help you with that niggling little feeling that things dont quite add up
  14. Meliai

    Meliai Banned

    you might be one of the most cynical people in the world.

    Are people ever sincere or honest in your little world?
  15. Spectacles

    Spectacles My life is a tapestry Lifetime Supporter

    I was raped in the mid 70's. I never talked about it until the mid 90's. I never told my mother. Even today only a couple members of my family know that the rape happened. They do not know details.

    I don't know what you should do about your anger. Perhaps Aerianne's suggestion would help.

    I can say that she sounds like she is feeling safe with you and trusts you. Continue to be supportive and loving. Counseling may be beneficial to you as well. The fact that she is feeling happy for the first time since the incident is a good thing. Rape can ruin a woman's life. The fact that she is getting help can make her one of the survivors.

    PS I would not follow any of the advice from Vanilla Gorilla.
  16. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    You misread. I was asking him, I never suggested he should ask her. You don't ask indelicate questions to a person who is vulnerable.

    But for the record, people get way too uppity about this whole victim blaming thing. Certainly, no one asks to get raped; certainly, random rapes do happen; but quite often, the victim has put themselves in a dangerous situation.
    I know a girl who was raped three times. I know about two of the times. They were perfectly dumb.
    She was waiting for a bus, an older stranger pulls up in a car, says he's going to a party, asks if she wants to, she says yes, he drives out to the middle of nowhere.
    She was at a party, she was the only female left, the only guy she knew there was leaving, she wouldn't leave with him.
  17. Spectacles

    Spectacles My life is a tapestry Lifetime Supporter

    There is nothing anyone can do that would cause them to deserve to be raped.
  18. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    Certainly not. I'm just gonna quit talking now. (Unless OP responds to me directly.)

    Good luck OP; these emotions are very complicated and the topic is very sensitive; but I suggest being frank with yourself (you weren't there; it was a long time ago; it could affect her for a much longer time; and she needs understanding, not emotions) and trying to be an example of strength for your girlfriend.
  19. FlowerHuman77

    FlowerHuman77 Member

    Thank you all for letting me rant and the (mostly) helpful replies. I've been thinking about what everyone said. A lot of the intense anger has passed as I've thought about the situation. Been meditating and that always calms me down. This sort of thing is always emotional, I think. I'll continue to support my girlfriend and be strong for her. She still has some healing to do but she's come a long way, I'll focus on that instead of what animals people can be. Peace. :daisy:
  20. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    Duck, don't feel like you can't post, OK?
    I was just emphasizing that your questions should not be relayed on to the woman.

    I think if I'd been raped on three separate occurrences, I would invest in bear spray.

    I didn't even have bear spray when I lived in bear country.

    However your example does show that there is some responsibility to maximize your own safety. And that's across the board. Like defensive driving and riding.

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