Anger issues

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Nistix, Jan 13, 2005.

  1. Nistix

    Nistix Member

    I have just broken up with my girlfriend. We had been seeing each other for 8 months. The relationship was good. The only thing was her temper. She would throw a tantrum at the smallest thing sometimes. I don't like conflict myself and never shouted back at her when she shouted at me. It hurt though. It was a bit like she had a split personnality. One minute she is really sweet the next she has lost it.
    I often wonder if it is my fault that she was angrey so much. On other occasions when she lost her temper I made it clear that I found it really unpleasant. She didn't manage to sort it out though.
    What I really want to know is if I did the right thing in ending it this time or should have I have given her another chance. Should I take her back if she comes and pleds with me?
    Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
  2. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

    you know, the girl you are describing sounds a lot like me. Usually when I get angry like that, it's because my boyfriend did something stupid, and I thought I had every right to get mad. I would tell him he pissed me off, he would defend himself, I would try to convince him he was wrong and before I knew it, I was going crazy yelling insulting him, all of that. Was what he did usually wrong? Yes of course. Did I need to go on and on? No. Did he deserve to be talked to that way? No.

    Whether you take her back is up to you. I'm sure she loves you. But you can't keep backing down every single time. She needs to learn to pick her battles and how to communicate. It's taken me a long time, but when I was faced with losing him, I did all I could to change my attitude. We have been together (also living together) for almost 2 1/2 years so even though I'm young, I'm not ignorant. It's very hard to change and control your temper when you KNOW that you're right. One thing that helped is every time I get bitchy, he calmly said he was sorry for making me feel bad and that I should want to be happy more than I want to be right. Positivity is best. But you can only put up with it for so long. Don't get on your knees every time and bow to her, because she's getting rewarded for being a bitch. It's a payoff and that's what you want to avoid. She has to mature and deal with this on her own. You can help, but she has to set goals and work hard, or she will end up a very lonely girl.

    I hope my past experiences can help you.
  3. Nistix

    Nistix Member

    It has been a help. Its good to hear she isn't the only one who has these probs. Do you think it is a conviction that you are always right that led to your temper flairs or something else maybe?
  4. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

    Well, personally I had a lot that happened to me when I was younger that contributed to emotional problems. Also, my daddy wasn't there for me a lot so I find myself doing whatever I can to get a good man's attention. If something traumatic happened to her, it can make things even harder. But that's still not an excuse to treat people with disrespect. When something bad has happened and your life is made hell, you beleive you deserve more, and even little stupid things that a boyfriend does, even though its not important, is hard to deal with. I always felt like I had been put through enough so I shouldn't have to deal with him hurting my feelings every once and a while. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he treats me like crap, but it's how I reacted that led to huge fights and screaming matches. Now I have realized that what happened to me isn't his fault and he can't be forced to be the one that makes it all up. He can't pay for someone else's mistakes. And I try not to sweat the small stuff anymore. If we do disagree, we try to just drop it and not talk about it at all unless it will be an issue that is important tomorrow. That's our rule. If it will come up the next day, then deal with it, if not, it's not important enough.
  5. Nistix

    Nistix Member

    Thankyou again...

    She has been through alot...
    I hope she can sort it out.
    I still love her, I just can't carry on with the stress we have been goinng through.
  6. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

    I understand. Maybe you should give her some time. Tell her you still love her though. She may need some time alone to grow up and deal with life the way it should be dealt with. Life sucks sometimes but you have to focus on what you have, not what you don't. Anyway, it sounds like she lost a really great guy and I bet that that will make her want to change a few things. I know I did.

    much peace to ya!
  7. cutelildeadbear

    cutelildeadbear Hip Forums Gym Rat

    First of all, her anger is not your fault. Even if you have done something to her that isn't nice, that doesn't matter, she is the one who chooses to be angry about it. I mean Jer does dumb stuff all of the time and my first reaction is to get angry, but I just have to laugh at him usually. It sounds to me like she has some sort of mental or emotional issue that she had long before you were in the picture. It could be as simple as being spoiled and always getting what she wants, to as bad as growing up in an abusive family. The point is, is that it will be there whether you are or not, because that is who she is. Now, you need to decide if you at this point in your life and your short lived relationship with this girl, want to be with her and work through this. She has to get help on her own, but you can be supportive, if you wish to. But you really don't have to be there. She can seek out help when she is ready. She will be one day. Eventually, she will want to control herself. Honestly though I don't see any point in going through this with her right now, if she is not seeking treatment. If she can't own up to it and try to fix it, then you are better off without her.
  8. Nistix

    Nistix Member

    No matter how bad it has been I still want to be there for her... she makes it so hard for me though. Thankyou for replying. To tell the truth I haven't been on this site for a while and once again it is proving a blessing.
  9. cutelildeadbear

    cutelildeadbear Hip Forums Gym Rat

    Well, then good luck. Jer stuck with me for 4 years through my depression and now everything is going well. But we went through hell for a long time. Honestly, I don't know how he did it. But it does get better. If you wish to stay with her and support her, just make sure you take care of yourself as well. You can also be supportive from afar, meaning you don't necessarily have to be dating her to be a good friend. I wish you both good healthy loving vibes. Take care.
  10. ZePpeLinA

    ZePpeLinA Jump around!

    Hi Alex,
    I'm sorry to hear that you broken up with your girl. If you want to talk, just pm or you can find me on msn.


    Faby x
  11. fulmah

    fulmah Chaser of Muses

    I think cutelildeadbear's got it right. I've also been with someone who's temper would explode from out of nowhere, and how I wish I'd left after eight months. So, were I you, I'd tuck tail and run if this isn't an issue that's going to be very actively resolved. Of course that's based on what little I know, and every situation is different. I'd do a little research on abusive relationships though, and figure out if you were in one, and get some more detailed information as applies to your situation.
  12. beatlerific

    beatlerific not like other girls

    god that sounds alot like me too. my boyfriend wants me to go see a psychologist for my anger problem. i flip out over stupid shit and then i'm fine. anger management problems i guess you could say.
    anyway, to help you out a bit, don't yell back. if she's anything like me, she flips out even more when you yell back. does that describe her?
    her anger is probably stemming from emotional problems that could be in her unconscious. did she suffer from a divorce in the family? was her dad around for her? i think that's my problem... my dad was/is never really around for me. and my parents got divorced when i was rather young..
    just let her know how much you care... try to get her to talk to you about her problems.. hope i helped :)
  13. nimh

    nimh ~foodie~

  14. Nistix

    Nistix Member

    Her parents divorced... I think she has some issues with her Dad. I don't want to say too much about her life because its not fair on her.
    I saw her the other day and gave her a hug... we were back together for 24 hours... the next night we went to a bar and after a couple of minutes of chat were silent... she then started reading the paper, then a copy of cosmopolitan. She said "I didn't come here to be ignored". It takes two to have a conversation, reading cosmo doesn't help. We then had a very difinative fight with her venting the full force of her wrath. She said alot of things which she probably didn't mean and stormed off. I went on to a club and she turned up later and had a second round. I stayed calm. I think that really got to her. Eventually she asked if she should stay or go... I said go. That was on Saturday, I haven't spoken to her since. I feel shit. I know she loves me, the look on her face spoke volumes. I felt guilty... I think we both have things to feel guilt about. What do I do... swallow my pride or leave it now as it is?
  15. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

    sounds like you need to leave this one alone. You deserve someone that is mature and respectful of you and loves you and treats you like a human being. Let her go and let her work on herself. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But you don't need to put yourself through hell for her. She flipped over something incredibly petty.

    You sound like a great guy, asking for advice, keeping her personal life private in order to respect you, feeling awful for hurting her. You'll find someone else. Maybe you should have said a few things to her, but does that deserve her screaming and yelling and flipping out? If it had been left at "reading cosmo doesn't help" and then maybe asking her a question to get off the subject then it would have been dealt with the way an adult would deal with it.

    good for you for staying calm. it probaly DID piss her off more. People like me who can't control their anger hate that. It's jealousy and the fact that you end up looking stupid and psycho.

    Give yourself some time and find a girl that will treat you right. you can only put up with verbal abuse and crazy rantings for so long. hopefully she changes but it doesn't sound like it.

    Has she ever said that she knows what she does is wrong and wants to change? Has she ever admitted that she acts immaturely?
  16. Nistix

    Nistix Member

    She actually said on Saturday you call it anger, I like to call it passion. She accused me of being boring for not reacting to her. She said I was "too sensitive". She has never expressed a wish to change that. She accepts thats is who she is... i am not sure if she realises she can change that. There are things about me that are wrong and I have always expressed a wish to change them. I asked for her help once. She wasn't very helpful. Do you think maybe my problems may have made her more angrey. (I drink most nights)... Not anymore though as from today!
  17. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

    if she doesn't want to change then there's nothing you can do. You're not too sensitive- you want to be talked to wtih respect. Your problems have not made her more angry. When I feel like an angry bitch I tend to think "I have bigger problems. I don't give a shit about how he's feeling" Even if you caused her some stress, think about the stress she causes when she yells at you. Nobody's perfect, but you do have to be responsible for your actions and learn to deal with people and life in a mature way. What she's doing is incredibly destructive. You say you drink most nights. I really don't know you at all, but you don't seem the type to get drunk and mean and angry. Just getting drunk isn't a crime or harmful to the relationship unless you do or say things when you're drunk that are harmful.

    I'm really sorry because i'm sure you love her and care about her, but if she doesn't want to change, let her be that angry person. It's not passion, it's being dramatic. Passion is when you are really zealous over something that you really beleive in. I've never heard of anyone being "passionate" about feeling ignored in a bar because you aren't talking with her and giving her attention every minute. your not boring for not reaacting to her, you're mature.

    Like i said some other girl is going to be really lucky to have you. Find someone that will treat you with respect and doesn't act like a big dramatic bitch.
  18. Nistix

    Nistix Member

  19. cutelildeadbear

    cutelildeadbear Hip Forums Gym Rat

    I agree, if she does not want to change, then I think you should get out of this relationship. Sure it will hurt both of you and be quite difficult as it seems you live close to each other and hang out at the same places. But in the end you will both be more healthy because of it.

    There is a huge difference between passion and rage. It sounds like she picks fights with you just to get attention, even if it is negative. Similar to what puppies do when they destroy things. To some people negative attention is better than none at all.

    I know that you love her and that this is hard, but at least for the time being I think that it would benefit the both of you to spend time apart. You do deserve to be treated with respect and love. It doesn't sound like she is giving either of those out.

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