An Open Letter To My Obese Friend: Concerning The Noises You Make

Seriously. You're my friend, and I love you, but you are going to die from your fat. You're in your thirties now and you're over 300 pounds, but when people bring this up you retort with how you used to be even bigger. Hey, jackass, if you overdose, you overdose, you don't get points for not bringing the plunger down all the way. Every single girl I've ever seen you with has been a big fat mess, which is fine, except that your comments on women who anyone would actually find attractive range from "My dad when we see a movie with Marissa Tomei in it" to "Construction worker." CLOSE YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU EAT. When you eat it sounds like you have a hundred lips smacking together all at once, and there are sucking noises. SUCKING NOISES. You fall asleep if at rest for more than thirty minutes and the sound of your chokey apnea snores alternately make me worry you've finally stopped breathing and make me want to hit you in the head with a baseball bat. Do you really need to suck the grease off your fingers right now? Are you worried about losing precious calories? You always tell me about all the fights you've been in, but I've never seen one, and I'm pretty sure if I did it would include a lot of wheezing and not catching the guy who just punched you and jogged leisurely away.

Had to get that out, folks. I'm sure this will piss some of you off. I'm not a body nazi. I don't care what you look like. And quite frankly, I'm blissful about the acceptance of curves that is slowly, slowly making its way into the pop culture. Big can be beautiful. I like some meat on them bones. But when I see you, a person composed of the flesh of two and a half normal-sized folks, sweating and stopping every few yards on a walk to the store, and buying the big thing of pringles to munch on the way home so you can order some pizza... it's pitiful, man. I think this gives me some insight into how other people view my drug use. Except my drug use doesn't cause me to MAKE GROSS SOUNDS CONSTANTLY

You're gonna die early. You never see big fat old guys walking around, you notice that? Well I hate to break it to you, they didn't all get hit by busses. You make gross noises, you look gross, pretty soon you're gonna have that thing where your stomach-hang goes all black and gangrenous, you smell bad, and I hate it when you sleep over. Because of the choking noises. But I love you dearly. Go for a walk.

Your Friend,

theacidpulp




p.s. IF YOU DON'T FINISH SLURPING THAT SOUP IN ABOUT FIVE SECONDS YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES. Just drink it like a HUMAN. Jesus

 

the concept of time is vague ..

 

the concept of death is vague
therefor
vain
we never die

 

to be fat is stellar..

 

big bang

 

Get in my belly!

 

you would bloat go find your own food

 

Once, I heard Big Bitches like to take charge and take a little skinny fella and work him hard. Hey I don't know how true it is, but since I'm Hip- Obesity is Out-rae-G-oh-us, but then again what would life be with out big people. My only obsession is how being health conscious is a concern to favor an intended lifestyle, which some belligerent big ass fuck shameless dog smacking trout ass smelling...powder wearing tusse rubbing in need of counseling self inscribing perpetrator. Would fit the description, given the requirements of what some friends need to know about being considerate of others space, not to mention what weighs into the idea of being a professional. Believe it or not the exclusion makes note to those few beautiful Big people who do partake in professional aspirations of professionalism. Seriously, I don't think discrimination is justice, but knowing those guidelines usually make the difference in todays business arena.
See the hard part is knowing the sensitivity of a big persons delima and knowing they sometimes have hearing problems and eating paranoia, so when they do eat food is consumed at a high rate of speed, strength, and calculation. The catch is this...animal synthesis of survail tactics in their speed of consumption and brain functioning prolongs appetite control and desire of changed. Which is why when I hear my friend breathing down on his foods instinct ... I allude to how beastly he acts and sounds ass a big ass. Sorry, as an inspiring model they do not make it any easier... I love them though. A healthy lifestyle is at the center of my lifes importantance versus where my guidance should correct their insults.

 

As hurt as I was reading this I did chuckle a bit. It was kind of funny. I guess we can't be friends afterwards because it would appear to me that you don't like me and I don't want to upset you with my presence anymore. So, farewell. Thanks for being a friend for the time being. And this letter... it was a pleasure to read. Sorry I was too fat for you to deal with.

Love always,
Abarambling.