An old story- Tom

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by mkc414, Jan 5, 2005.

  1. mkc414

    mkc414 Member

    This is from a while back.


    Tom stood with one shoulder sloping and stared fixedly at a kiosk selling baseball caps. For a moment his face took on a pained and distraught expression. The attendant slouched on a high wooden chair with a cloth back. The man seemed to be sinking behind his sunglasses and pushed buttons on his mobile phone. Marcella approached slowly. She walked with graceful and carefully measured steps, while her long arms dangled like empty swings. She has such a small head, he thought; her nose is like a beak and her hands, curled, look like small claws. If only I had another five dollars I could buy that hat. I would have to bend the bill, and wear it for months so it could have that aged look.

    "Hello dear," he said, finally taking his eyes away from the stand, and put an arm around her thin shoulder. I could probably fit my hand around her head. She turned her face exitedly and her mouth twitched, but words never escaped. Tom looked back at the kiosk one last time before moving, "Well, I suppose we should get going." He stumbled and saw that his shoe was untied. Marcella stood with her arms crossed while he crouched and bent over. A passerby might have thought that Tom's date was cold, but it was more than likely her posture, the way her neck craned forward slightly and her head always seemed to be bobbing.

    Footlocker had a sale I remember from the paper but that was almost a week ago. I havent had a Cinnabun in a long time. We should get going. Tom rubbed his eye and temple while walking, barely avoiding a collision with a stroller.

    Marcela took a sip from her coffee through a brown straw and her small head rose as she swallowed.

    A doppler "Hey Yeah" could be heard through the closing door to the parking lot. Tom held the door open for his girlfriend and she passed through it with stiffened arms and shoulders. She paused and waited for him, turning slightly and taking another long sip from her coffee straw.

    The party was this weekend and Mark had invited a lot of cool guys this time, some from a pretty good band. A lot of people would be there. A dark green car was approaching slowly. He glanced at Marcela and she looked up at his face, the sun shone on his cheeks and nose. At least no one would think he was gay. They crossed the street.

  2. paix

    paix Senior Member

    I really like it.

    The simplicity is great, and the truthfulness. Is there anymore to it? I'd read alot more of it, it would be interesting to see Tom's character develop, especially within the relationship. The tiny head thing is really funny, and I laughed at the end. Great story
  3. mkc414

    mkc414 Member

    Thanks for the encouragement=) I have thought about using these characters elsewhere but havent yet. Wish you well,


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