An asexual relationship!!

Discussion in 'Love and Sex' started by Scorpion88, Jun 1, 2004.

  1. Scorpion88

    Scorpion88 Member

    I love my partner, but we never have sex anymore its got so bad that I am beginning to feel that there is something wrong with me!!
    I am beggining to accept that this is it but I don't feel like a woman anymore.
    Its been 3months now is this normal?
    I just feel old and unattractive he wants me but I don't really want him he wont leave me though.
    I wont leave him cause I'm scared of being alone again we have talked about it but he always talks me round.
    Trouble is I'll never meet anyone while we are together, and even if I did I would feel to guilty to leave him any way so I am stuck in this, I can't see us ever getting married, or having children.
    It gets me down, but we get on ok, and he is the only person who ever understood me.He says he would have nothing without me. S o I am stuffed...
  2. emublazin

    emublazin Member

    he is cheating. anytime a man don't fuck his girl in 3 months something is up
  3. twoseeeyes

    twoseeeyes Member

    I have to agree. Perhaps he has trouble getting it up? It's not normal to go 3 months without a man at least expressing his desire to do it.
  4. Spinner

    Spinner Member

    I don't like to be left alone either.
    We could be alone together, I guees.
  5. cbrmale

    cbrmale Member

    I'm writing this on our 18th wedding anniversary. We have always loved each other and our love is in sharing things, laughing together, talking and having sex. In fact four times in the last four days (although that is not always our frequency).

    Sex is a normal and healthy part of a loving relationship.

    I suggest you talk about your feelings with your partner. Perhaps he has worries or concerns that you are not aware of? Communication is vital in any long-term relationship.

    If a couple of goes at talking about your feelings doesn't help, professional counselling with a qualified psychologist might. Conselling is not admitting that either or both of you are failing, just that every relationship has rough patches from time to time.
  6. Scorpion88

    Scorpion88 Member

    No, he's not seeing anyone else, he wants me but I just don't want him.

    Tried to get couple counselling but not sure I want to work at it, I feel so dead inside
  7. eirek

    eirek Guest

    Not to sound rude or anything but if you honestly don't want him, then leave because he deserves better than that. You as a person should feel that you are loved and also that you want to love him. I've been in relationships before that I felt the same way and honestly you just have to find someone else that makes you feel that you do want them all the time. If you stay with him you will just end up delaying the inevitable and making it even worse. Just my 2 cents

  8. meishka

    meishka Grease Munky

    dump him if theres nothing. wat the point of drgging it on? you'll be lonely for a little while. wat is it that he understands about u that others might not?
  9. DharmaBum

    DharmaBum Old Guard

    Scorpion i'm no Doctor But you Sound heavily Depressed from what i've Read in Your Post...Is there any Family you can stay with For a while until You sort your Mind Out about what you want?..maybe see a doctor? ,the worst thing you can do is Nothing ,You Say you still love your partner ,so maybe after a break from him you'll know where you stand about your feelings.But Definitely like i said before ,DONT do nothing!.
  10. AutumnAuburn

    AutumnAuburn Senior Member

    Before I moved out here, from Pennsylvania, I lived with a guy for two years. The first year we were as a couple. However, toward the end of that year, he got severely depressed. He was very overweight and taking medications for his depression. This gave him no sex drive, whatsoever. Now, I loved him, but at my age and high libido, I could not see living the rest of my life, in a sexless relationship. I broke up with him and we just lived as friends/roommates, for the last year, before I left. He is a great guy and I really wish him all the best, but I need sex, as part of my healthy relationship. We are still good friends, talking about once a week, since I moved out here, about 8 months ago...
  11. Scorpion88

    Scorpion88 Member

    As to what you say about leaving him, eay eh, no its not he won't leave me.

    He says he has nothing without me, and neither of us are getting any younger we are best friends been together six years.
    Depressed, porobably, thought about councelling, together.
    Something has to be done, I can't leave him , he has noved with me from where his family live and he has nothing without me. Vise versa.
  12. sweet_mama

    sweet_mama Member

    Ok, well if breaking up is not an option, then why don't you try the old "let's spice this up" routine? Try some new stuff, some things that maybe you never tried before. Or think of some things that you two did when you first got together and recreate them. Get yourself all prettied-up one day and surprise him with a romantic evening. If you feel that the flame is burning out, then rekindle it, babe! Try some new and exciting things! Also, really look at why you two are together in the first place. Try to remember what it was that brought you to eachother. Make a list of all the things that you love about him. Even if you don't give him the list, at least you would know what it is about him that makes you stay, other than the whole "he won't leave me" thing. And remember that you are not stuck with him, OK? You need to figure out what makes you happy. It sounds like he loves you and that he wants you, so just try to spice things up a bit. I hope that this helped, my dear. Let me know how it's going, ok?
  13. eirek

    eirek Guest

    I recently saw a commercial on the tv about a pill you can take when you are feeling depressed and not wanting had more to do other than that too of course. But it did sound and awfully alot like you might want to see and maybe it's just a hormonal balance that a pill can fix :) I'll hope its that simple. I truely hope everything works out!!

  14. Tony Montana

    Tony Montana Member

    when he comes in the room one night, be on all fours with a cucumber up your ass. he'll flip for it, mang!

    also, it may help if you became a little more attractive, mang!
  15. Scorpion88

    Scorpion88 Member

    I feel terrible, as i don't know whatit was that attracted him to me,?It wasn't physical, I was going through a divorce we started as friends.

    He was always and still is attracted to me I always had to be persuaded.But over the years I questioned why we are together.
    He is my best friend, but I believe I want more although he says I would beunhappy who ever I am with.
    Six years is along time, I just don't know what is the matter with me, how can I put the spice back when I was never that attracted to him in the first place!
    We enjoy cuddling , but I just not interested in any other, not sure if it is just him, or completely me, but the whole thing is really making me feel down, but there seems no easyway out, Most woman would love to be with a man like him, as he doesn't hit me and is trust worthy.
    I do get jealous sometimes when I know he looks at other women. It has allways been hit and miss the chemistry between us.
    I remember a few years ago, when he surprised me by taking me away, to a swanky romantic hotel the place was beautiful everything was perfect. You know romantic meal,geourgous bed, etc, I dressed in a really sexy outfit, but all what happened was we argued, as it never happened, no chemistry, it should have been the perfect, time but no well we blamed it on us being under pressure to perform.
    I used to be a passionate person, but yes , I am depressed but it feels an eternity, I am not sure if the lack of desire is the symptom or the cause!!
    I know I am pathetic as I should leave him but we are so stuck in a rut, I don't want to be a single parent again and have to give up a job I've just started, also, we have tried to split up before and it hurts so much .
    But something has to be done about it,
  16. AutumnAuburn

    AutumnAuburn Senior Member

    Have you tried hypnosis, or self-hypnosis? I know that most of my sex drive is completely mental, like 95% of it... In fact, I used self-hypnosis to get my sex drive back, when it plummetted (sp?) after the birth of my second child.

    Is there ANYTHING that you find attractive about him, anything at all? If you can find one thing, maybe you can focus on that and go from there...?
  17. Scorpion88

    Scorpion88 Member

    It was never, any thing major that drew me to him, chemical, I guess. I like tall men he's tall, but the ironic thing is I have and always been attracted to men with blue eyes his is brown.

    I think it was the protective quality also that drew me before him I had always had horrible loves, who I was all very attracted to but they ended up being losers, and treated me badly, so with him well initially, as I say we were friends as I was going through my divorce.
    Then over time I suppose I grew to love him, there is no doubt in my mind that I don't love him, but I don't feel in love, never have really.
    I think this is what makes it difficult, maybe I do have a block, but like you say a friend of mine asked me to think about what made me fall in love, with him, and I don't know, There are things I dislike about him too, he's so unmotivated, I have to be the one to decide where we are going, he doesn't like activities like cycling,or walking, and his attitude towards life is unenthusiastic. However he is emotionally strong and very supportive to me, kind and loving. He's been the one thing in my life that has been consistant to me and my son. I never had much of supportive family.
    But I want to feel that connection,you, know when you look at someone and feel weak, and to know that you are very physically attracted to them. But over the years I came to believe that men who are good looking are arrogant and do'nt treat you well, or that I wouldn't be good enough for them.
    So probably even if I did meet some one I was immediatly drawn to, I would question it!,as I would think that theycouldn't possibly want me!!
    Perhaps it is me, In the past while i've beenwith him I have had affairs, we broke up for a year, I saw someone who I was drawn to physically, and they were all what I described before, enthusiastic, romantic, but they were very cool and un affectionate to me , we couldn't talk, so I remained friends with my present partner, and continued to talk to him, it was so bizarre, I had the physical with one and friendship with the other!, it tied me up in knots as I am not one for going out to deliberately hurt anyone, so in the end I finished with the one who was physical, and tried again with my present and it is the same again. I miss the guy who I hasd the physical with, I loved the way when I looked at him, I felt wonderful.
    Anyway, things continue the same and at the beginning of the year, I had a fling with some one else but that turned out to be nothing, as I met them on newyears eve originally when I was drunk and when I saw them again I just didn't like them, its hard to explain, but I in the cold daylight just couldn't get on with them.
    Now, I feel that I doubt I would meet anyone new now and even if I did , it wouldn't be fair to them,inside I am a person who doesn't like dishonesty and I always tell my partner the truth, he still wants to be with me.
    I have had counselling, as a while back Imet a guy from the chat rooms, there was an amazing connection, and I wanted to meet him, but when we talked on the phone I found it difficult as I felt we never had any thing 'real' but when I spoke to the councillor,she tested me buy saying some one from my partners work phone to say that they were seeing him and that he doesn't want to see me again, I felt devestated, but I talked excitedly about my feelings for the person in the chat room.
    So I just don't know, perhaps I have this thing where I am in denial, for the real love, or perhaps there is something wrong with me its making me feel so down, inside I don't feel attractive any more, no matter how much my partner wants me, physically. Even now after drinking alcohol, it doesn't work, we cuddle I have tried to have sex but my heart isn't in it I do it for him hoping that something will happen, but my body doesn't respond, if you know what I mean.
    I hope you don't hate me now, I can't believe I have revealled all this!
    We talk,talk talk he asks me what do I want to do, if he leaves me we will be both in v,difficult situation, he will be homeless and job less, I will be asingle parent again, and will have to give up my job, and be near a family who want to control, me. He is the one person I have on my side and who has ever believed in me.
    I have tried to kill myself before, I couldn't even do that, properly, yes I know it was selfish, I was going to uni, and I gave it up in the end because of various reaons and that is part of the reason I tried to end my life.
    I just don't know what to do, a.more, we talked yesterday, and he said he would leave, but as I said it isn't even that simple when you have set up home together in a new area, so what ever we do won't be sudden or rash, as there are many consequences, to think about, so again it is brushed under the carpet and when I returned fom work he is living and trys even more by cleaning the house, and getting a chinese, so I now feel guilty for ever feeling this way and perhaps I am just being completely selfish as I said before, as most women would be happy with such a nice guy like him.

    Thats it I know I am the only person who can change this, something has to be done, can't get into couple counselling so expensive have tried relate, no answer, waiting list.
    But I don't even know if I see the point, as usually opeople who seek help want help to achieve what they had before and we never really had that to start with. so I don't know..Sorry for the long reply, but I have noone to talk about this to, can't with family as they don't like my partner, and wouldn't understand, and my best friend has enough of her own problems to listen to this, but hey , I'll just carry on, things could be worse. Atleast he is my friend, my best friend.
  18. AutumnAuburn

    AutumnAuburn Senior Member

    Well, talk to him... Maybe you can do what I did with my bf in Pittsburgh. Live together, but not as a couple. If you get along so well, there is no reason why you can't be roommates... And that would give you both the opportunity to look for other partners and get your ducks in a row, so you can each get on your own... It worked for me and my ex...
  19. Scorpion88

    Scorpion88 Member

    Yes,possibly, but he won't agree to that perhaps what we have is normal, I dunno, maybe i'm getting used to the idea,of not doing it anymore I've become very not interested all the way round, nothing seems to stimulate me anymore, perhaps it is just me, perhaps I am depressed, it confuses me totally

    you hear of people who arn't interested in it , and have low sex drives, perhaps that is me, but I wasn't always like this, I used to be a passionate person. That side of me is gone.Some thing has to be done, and I know its up to me..
  20. DarkLunacy

    DarkLunacy Senior Member

    Have there been any serious changes in your relationship?

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