Hi Everyone! This is my first post and I imagine by the time I'm done typing, a lot will have blurted out so please bear with. My fiance and I have been together now for about a year. We started as friends and became inseparable until we had to admit that we're in love. Now we're happy together and working out the kinks of transition from friends to a relationship. I proposed because I want to be with her and we both want to be married. We're both 30. I take care of her like she has never been taken care of. Her family is awful to her and I stood up to them for her. She gets taken advantage of at work and I've helped to remedy this as well. Also, her house(which we now live in together with her young children) has been my project and I've fixed it up from top to bottom. I do things like take the kids to the store randomly and get her a new diamond necklace because I love to watch her be surprised on some random day. Everything seems peachy...right? Well since we've now been living together for 5 months, I've had a chance to ask some questions and pinpoint a few things. Prior to living here and when I first moved in, she had told me a few lies pertaining to her divorce and her current situation. She also lied a few times about things she had done when we first started sleeping together...about being with someone else once back then. I've forgiven all the lies but one night while we were discussing parts of it that were still bothering me, she admitted that she fantasizes during sex. Sometimes when blowing me and other times when actually having sex. As we got in to the conversation and I took it all in, she admitted that she has closed her eyes and thought about other people who she had recently interacted with. She said it's because she was slightly bored with the sex we were having and she didn't know why. She also said that it had no bearing on her attraction to me. Now I've slept with my fair share of women. I definitely like to dabble in the freaky side of things so I'm not quite clear on how this affects me. She says that she has never fantasized from start to finish but only a few seconds here or there or max of 30 seconds thinking about someone else. I explained that it was like she was pretending I was someone else and she agreed so she has been trying to keep her eyes open to prove she wants to be with me. That's great except now she barely has an orgasm at all when they used to be screaming. I feel like she is still hiding the full truth and her fantasies were much more in depth and extended and now that she isn't having them, she isn't satisfied. I also second guess that with thinking that maybe she is over-thinking the whole thing and in her efforts to prove she's with me, she isn't letting go. On top of all of that, every time we have sex now and she doesn't get off, I leave the bedroom feeling like I'm not good enough or she'd rather be fantasizing about someone else and I'm an alpha in all aspects so this bothers me greatly. I'm just curious to see what other people think. I wouldn't go to anyone personally with this but I'm at a loss and I'd love some outside input. Thanks in advance for any answers/help!!
You're a good man and she wants to be with you. You're good to her and to her children. You're probably the nicest man she's ever met. But about sex, it's like the guy one thread below yours: she had better, more satisfying, and she's probably struggling to enjoy sex with you, but these things, one just can't force. She probably would do anything to enjoy sex with you, because you're good to her and she wants to want you, to make it work. But, again, these things, one can't force, even when one would give an arm and a leg to make it good. Her mechanism to have pleasure with you was to fantasize with better sex, while having sex with you. You've taken it away from her. She needs this to work, so, she's willing to have a life without orgasms for you, because, in spite of the sex being bad, she wants you. I'm sure, if she could give orders to her libido, she'd tell herself to get off with you, but it doesn't work like this. So, she genuinely wants you, just not sexually. She made it work as she could, but now, she can't use her mechanism to cope anymore. There is nothing wrong with you, nor with her. It's just that sexually, you're not the kind of man she's into. My guess is that with time she'll find ways to make it work for her, like fantasizing alone, during masturbation. Sex, now, is to please you. Good luck to both of you in making it as good as you can.
Maybe try watching pornography together??? As long as neither of you are bothered by that of course. It'd probably help her get off more easily and she wouldn't be thinking about past sexual encounters.
If she wants to think about the boss while shes having sex with you, so what! It doesn't translate that she doesn't want to be with you. Bottom line is that she enjoys sex more when she does it, so you both get a better experience from it.
Is fantasy new for her? Is she soft balling an affair? Five months and libido lowering is a drift apart signal. Up to both of you to decide what to do.
The fantasizing should not irritate you because 99.999% of women do this in their mind, either when they are alone with their fantasies or with a partner (spouse included). However, her saying that she's fantasizing about people she's "recently interacted with" to me implies she MIGHT have been cheating on you recently in an otherwise agreed closed monogamous relationship with you. So I'd call her out on that and THAT is the only real concern: I would be worried about if I were you. Other than that just start role playing with her and instead of getting all stressed about it, go explore and see what kinds of fantasies you CAN fulfill for her. (toys, light bondage, dirty talk, roleplaying characters/scenarios)
Make love = making out with someone you love. What is making love with others you imagine? Who does she love?
