Am I the only one?

Okay, I really hope there's not a previous thread on this subject that I overlooked, but am alone in my extreme disliking of the idea of having a babysitter or a daycare caring for my children when I have some of my own? Is it bad or ridiculous paranoia to fear the situations that could happen? I've already mentioned in a couple of threads about my situation with the abusive babysitter, but the biggest thing about that was my mom got good reviews from other mothers. It's impossible to schedule a viewing of a daycare and know you'll get plain honesty because if criminal activity is going on, of course they're going to cease when a visitor comes.

I also really hate the idea of any person raising my kids but me and my husband. I know the saying "it takes a community to raise a child," but I always feel so horribly for children who grow up with nannies...I mean, if you don't want to raise your own child, adoption's a wonderful alternative. I feel quite hypocritical, though, because I plan on sending our kids to public school. I really want to practice psychology and I'd like to start working when they go off to school. I feel like my brain is just a twisty map of thoughts and contradictions. Ack, working mamas, how do you do it?

I was lucky enough that my mom stayed at home with me until I was about 3, and she worked at the school I went to for two years, and then she became a stay-at-home mom after that. But financial situations have been a horrible strain for us and I don't want my kids to worry like my brother and I have had to. I really have no idea where this is going...but basically is it realistic to take a few years off when I'm a new mommy and then work, while maintaining a good family life?

I just want to raise my own children. Does any of this make sense? I'm sorry if it doesn't, I have a tendency to rant. If I need to clear anything up or summarize better, just ask, lol.

 

Nannies are 100 times better than daycares IMO. I had to go to daycare and it was really traumatizing and I will never send my child to one.

Personally, I plan on having a nanny, but not to pawn off my kids to someone else and not before they are 1 years old. I know I'll have to work unless I marry a brain surgeon or something and the career I'm going into isn't something I can do from home. So for the times that my husband or I can't be home, I want a Spanish speaking nanny so I can bring up my children bilingual. It's much better than daycare or having latchkey kids. With the cost of college tuition alone, there's no way I would become a full time SAHM because the worst thing in the world to me would be telling my kids that they couldn't go to their dream school because we didn't have the money. I've had to see my own parents do that for just about everything for my brother and I they feel much worse about it than we ever will.

My cousin has been raised around a nanny and he's a child protegee. His mother worked 3 days a week and his grandmother (my great grandmother) lived at home and stayed with him but was too old to really do much. Between the influence of his mom, grandmother, and nanny, he is 12 years old and tri lingual in English, Spanish, and Yiddish as well as learning French and Hebrew. And he's not some boring little kid either.. he's very imaginative and open minded. He calls his nanny auntie because she basically is part of the family.

Granted, this is the ideal situation and he does spend plenty of time with his parents... I know many families with nannies do not work this way. However, I do believe that it can work.

 

I put my son in daycare for 3 months and it was awful. He cried every day that I left him, although I know he stopped as soon as I was gone and enjoyed himself there, but he still needed his Mama. He was about 2-1/2 when he started going. He still is afraid to go to school because of it, he tells me that he wants to stay with Mama. I'm not in any hurry to send him off to school either. We just do lots of activities where I can participate with him.

We have never had a nanny, and my son has only stayed with family on the occasions that my hubby need time alone (like our wedding weekend). Now, we have moved to town where I don't know anyone, so I have not left him at all. I do have to admit that I could certainly use a break, even if it was just for a few hours. But, I am afraid to leave him with someone I do not know.

 

SilverClover, I'm sorry if I made it sound like nannies are a horrible alternative for working parents, I should have made myself clearer in the fact I was pretty much generalizing celebrities' nanny situations...you know, the parents who never see their kids because they're too busy with life to have a relationship with their kids. I can't imagine being a stay at home mom and realistically being able to ensure my kids are fed 3 times a day, clothed, properly equipped for school, and saving for their college funds. We're going to invest in stocks and bonds when we get on our feet financially, but lord knows, those aren't always a sure bet. I totally see where you're coming from, most of my life my mom's been a SAHM and I'm struggling to find the ability to even begin college (I'm already a year behind all my peers). I don't want my kids to have it as rough as I have.

jgirl, I totally understand your fears, they're very valid. It makes me never wanna move too far from home cuz both grandmas will be here in town and while we eventually want to get away...it's difficult to up and leave friends and family that can definitely help out.

Hehe, I make it seem like we're already expecting, we're not, not even close, but it's still a good thought to keep in mind, especially when you're in a very serious relationship with plans of marriage. I don't think I'll be a horrible mom...especially since I'm already attempting to plan things out at 19 with no baby to speak of! Hehe.

 

I will not let anyone care for my childern besides me, their daddy, my best friend or grandmoms and aunt... I just flat out dont trust anyone... I know its mean but hey, anyone could be an abuser.
Croix will be going to a small school soon... The only reason I trust this place is because his cousin will be going there too and has for 6 months so far and loves it. I can drop in at anytime unannouced, and the same goes for James' mom so between us I feel safer. Plus, Croix can talk and tell me whats going on. He has been prepped what to do if someone is hurting him and I hope he believes me when I say to tell no matter how he is threatened. I had quite a few horror stories from when I was younger and babysat so I pretty much went from there when talking to him about all this. I think if you research well, talk to others about the place/person, check it out for yourself AND prep your childern on what is right or wrong for others to do to them it should be fine to let them be watched by someone else.

 

And not only is it very scarey and possibly unsafe to leave your kids with a stranger, its probably more expensive. Add up paper diapers, formula or breast pump, gas, work clothes, lunches out, etc then compare that to cloth diapers (free), breastfeeding from a breast (free) no gas (free), lunches at home (free), etc. Why work and let someone else raise your kids??

 

I thought I was the only one this paranoid. I feel a lot better. Thats what I had to firmly explain to everyone. I told them that especially as young as he is he can't tell me that someone is neglecting him or what not.

 

I had babysitters growing up. Always older ladies who either came into our home or I went to theirs. Never had a bad experiance, in fact, I loved them all like Grandmas and called them all Grandma.

 

The other night my friends draged me along with her to the gym.. they have free care for kids while there mothers excersize. when I did not like it one bit. one older lady taking care of 10 VERY hyper kids anywhere from a few months to the age of 10.. I just could not leave Antoinette in there. this one little boy had pooped and they kept calling his mom and she would not come.. 15 20 mins later this little boy is screming =(.. All the kids seemed to be sick. I did not go work out at all.. I styed with the lady and helped her calm all the kids down. I dont like day cares.

 

I am a SAHM, and I am very fortunate that I am able to do that! I like many you you don't trust anyone, besides close family and friends. Not to mention the price of Daycare.... I have twin girls and it would probably be around $300 a week to send them off. That would be my whole paycheck. And I am very happy that I am the one who potty trained my girls, I am the one who thought them their alphabet, I am the one who taught them their manners! It is very rewarding!
And I had to bring my girls to the doctors (ZERO) times this winter!! The germs that they avoid from not being in a daycare is worth it all. I would break my heart to drop them off at a daycare or anywhere else. Unfortunately some people have no choice.
But your outlook is promising!! You will be a wonderful mom one day!!

 

NO, you have good instincts. I feel bad that some mamas just don't have a choice. I once went against my instincts and had a "freind" who I thought I could trust watch my kids, while I worked part time. Huge mistake. Not only did I find out later she was a Borderline Personality, but she emotionally abused my kids and was drinking while watching them. Sunshine's Tourette's Syndrome got so bad when she was in this person's "care" that I had to make a change. Told Bear, "No more. Do what you have to do. This can't go on. If I can't trust a friend, than I certainly can't trust a stranger. I am not doing this anymore."

I worked as a Nanny. ANd I was a pretty good one. Still, I wouldn't have one for the world. If you can afford a Nanny, you can afford to stay home and raise your own kids. JMO.

(I'd take a Housekeeper, though. But my house isn't developing, learning values, and can't feel sad, lonely and has no emotions. If you have the money, have someone clean your house for you, and use the time to be with your kids.)

You said you and your brother worried about the finacial situation. The best way to avoid that worry in children? DON'T talk money with small children. Having finacial problems is NOT a problem that small childen need to worry about. That is adult worries, not childhood worries. Kids may need to be told "No we can't afford that." But they don't need to know the details of the money problems of the adults. Children are helpless in these situations and don't need to be burdened with these problems.

There is a HUGE difference between public school and any type of child care. In the first place, school usually starts at the age when children are ready to separate for a few hours a day. It was originally based on the child's needs, not the adults needs, like day care is. Second, teachers are rarely going to abuse a child in a classroom of 30 or so kids, with hundreds of other kids and dozens of other adults in the vicinity. A "baby sitter" or a Nanny is alone with your child, with no one else around. Even many day care centers are more easily isolated than publically funded schools.

 

No, you are not alone. I myself feel the same way, which is why I've been a stay-at-home mother for over 6 years. Besides, the cost to have put three children in daycare while I went to work would have been ridiculous, making it barely worth me even working. Luckily, my husband has a good job, not that we're rolling in money because we aren't, but his wages are ample enough to allow me to stay home with the kids plus meet all of our needs. We live simply, we don't buy what we can't afford, and if we charge something, we pay it off that same month.

 

The funniest thing is...not 24 hours after I posted this, I got a wonderful offer to be a nanny myself to a kiddo I've been watching on and off for short periods of time lately. And it's a wonderful opportunity, probably the most fantastic one I've gotten for my life yet.

The conditions would be, I'd have to move (which is a plus in my book), my lovely boyfriend can come with me, we'd be sharing a house with the family, and my payment would be free housing, free meals, and spending money all for making sure her 6 year old gets to and from school, has someone watching him after school, cleaning the house (something I love doing...lol), and cooking. How cool is that? Not to mention, I'd be able to take classes and with my boyfriend's future work schedule and Rosa (the mama)'s future schedule, I'd have 4 day weekends of sorts.

I think really, this offer is way too great of an offer to just pass up, but my boyfriend and I will have to wait a month or two to join her because we've got debts we need to take care of at the moment and we need to get our cars fixed. But man, I'm definitely excited. Bobby's a cool little kid...but I can tell you honestly, I'll probably be in here a whole lot more if I do start watching him, because he's got ADHD. I'll definitely let you guys know how that goes because we'll definitely have internet if we do leave.

 

the job sounds pretty cool.
i share the same concerns....I'm staring college in september, and i really actually don't want to go. I waited until Leane is a year old, but i hate the thought of her spending the day with someone else...the only remte benifit i can see is the social interaction with other kids.
But we're in the situation where I can't afford NOT to go to school. We got lucky and both my Cody and I are being funded to go back to school, tax free. We also get daycare subsidized (thank god)....
I was looking foward to going back at first, and it sounded like a good idea when I was pregnant, but now I really want to be a SAHM....those first years are so important, it makes me want to cry not to be at home with her. I had always looked foward to those days (even when I was like 12 years old, ) when I could spend the day taking my kids to the park and...oh i dunno....just spending my days with my kids.
But inorder to provide decently well for our kids, I have to go back to school.

 

I wanted to do a bit of study so when munchkin was one and a half she started in daycare, which just by chance of what was available ended up being homecare. Anyhow she offers my daughter loads of things that I don't necisarily (dahl and rice being one of the things which she apparently does so much better than me!!) anyhow I started her off for one day a week in a much bigger community daycare this year and she is loving it no end. She is three and a half and I have a feeling that she is just loving all the people interaction that she gets. It's not a job for her and I have to be honest and say that somedays I wish I could hang out there rather than going to work or school cause they do cool stuff...anyhow probably every kid is different and you only you can judge if what you are doing with them is enough, if what you are doing with them isn't enough sometimes even doing more with them isn't but rather a wider group of humans to interact with can teach them some stuff too...

 

my mom was telling stories recently about us kids when we were little and taking us to daycare and different babysitters we had. i can remember some not-so-great experiences, but for the most part they were pretty good. my brother and i practically grew up in daycares and afterschool care while my mom worked and got her nursing degree. we had friends and did well in them. I think my mom is a good one, and has taken us out of places and away from babysitters she didn't feel comfortable with, but she admitted that sometimes you really have to compromise with who you let your children stay with. money is a big issue, and having somebody to look after your child who wont hurt them and feeds them is better than nothing when being a sahm isn't an option. if you can't afford a one-on-one nanny then you're most likely going to get an understaffed daycare or homecare worker. my youngest sister went to a great friend of the family's house every day. it was one woman to sometimes 10 kids (some babies, some a little older) and while we all know she LOVES my little sister and never let any of them get hurt, my sis did come home with diaper rash, and missing clothes and stuff.... (that lady's just kinda like that though... if ppl leave stuff at her house, she claims it as hers, and so do her daughters....) but, my sis was taken care of and that's what was important. care apart from the mama isn't going to be perfect for a decent price... i think that's just the reality of it.

it's very sad though. so many young moms around here can only afford to take a couple months off work before they're back in and Their mom is caring for the baby (which don't get me wrong, i think is usually better than a daycare or babysitter in most cases) it's too bad that the economy practically REQUIRES both parents to work. anyway, i've said too much.... and i don't know what i'll do when i have kids because i will probably have to work as well.

 

Hey Maggie..

I really hope you don't hold this one person's behaviour against all people with BPD (borderline personality disorder). Just because someone has some mental problems doesn't mean they are a bad person. She obviously didn't have her BPD under control... but a lot of us do and can live normal functional lives without emotionally abusing children or a reliance on drugs or alcohol, myself included.

 

I'll never send my kid(s) to a babysitter or nanny for the fact that I was molested by a babysitter of mine's husband. It just makes me think twice before trusting someone. I'll only let family and close friends watch my babies.

 

a large percentage of molestations are perpetrated by family and family friends.....

 

A lot of people who have been told they have BPD have been misdiagnosed. This womyn was not getting treatment, and she was the Manipulative/selfish type, she directed her rage outward, not inward. I feel bad for womyn who have been dxed with BPD who have histories of abuse and self harm, I think, have something else other than BPD. This womyn was the classic BPD, the kind who only would hurt herself to get out of doing things she didn't want to do, and to stop her husband from going out with friends (he no longer has any friends....) When she did, she made sure EVERY ONE knew how hurt she was......which most real cutters don't do, from the others that I know. (Inj fact, she never actually cut, she would do things like grab bees (she is allergic) and intentionally get into car accidents for attention.) VERY different than most poor womyn who get the BPD diagnosis, because they may cut or burn, which, in newer literature, is becoming a different disorder, not BPD.

I don't think all people who were diagnosed BPD are "bad" people, but this womyn, despite her diagnosis, was. She threatented to kill her own children, on several occasions, because she was angry, for some imaginary thing, at her husband. She lies like there is no tomorrow,she has delusions which harm others, she does things like put sand into people's gas tanks, breaks windows in people's houses, pours acid on people's cars ect when she imagines they "said things" about her, and is not fit to care for children. I forgave TOO many things she did. She put me in a place where I didn't trust myself to make any new womyn freinds for years. The damage she has done to her husband, her children, and the people around her is unfixable.

She got worse as she got older, which is different than the womyn who usually self harm. Her ideations got more sophisitcated, and it became impossible to carry on a relationship with her. If I had had any idea, when I left my kids with her, what was to come in the years after that, I woulnd't have done if for the world. Was it her diagnosis, or just her? I don't know. But, with any psychiatric diagnosis, personality plays a big part. My step sister was dxed with BPD, and she could not have been different than this womyn. My sister got the dx, ONLY because she cut. I don't think this alone, is the proper diagnostic criterea. If you look at the DSM, the womyn I am speaking of shows the "Lack of empathy" the "using other only for getting what the pateint needs" ect. My step sister, same DX, was not like this at all, and neither are most of the people I know who have miost likely been misdiagnosed with BPD. I think some docs use this as a "last resort." Which, is lazyness on the doc's fault, as the womyn may be stuck with this diagnosis for the rest of her life.

Is she like other BPDs? I don't know, as I think too many womyn are given this diagnosis, for things like being "sexually confused" (Yep, some docs will give a girl who experiments with a single lesbian experience the diagnosis of BPD, which may stick with her for life, and I don't think that is fair.) or having a cutting problem. which is inner directed anger, which is very very different problem, and has nothing to do with being "bad" at all. These were not this womyn's problem. The fact that she refused the diagnosis, and refused any treatment shows that she only cared about herself and not others at all. I do not think that MOST womyn diagnosed with BPD are really BPD. This womyn was.

The way the DSM is set up, BPD, the way it is diagnosed, makes no sense. More and more clinicians are dividing the "inner" directed types (cutting, burning, self hatred ect) into a different diagnosiis. When I say "BPD" I mean the Classic manipulative, self absorbed type, the kind who rarely, if ever get treatment, and who do much more damage to others than womyn who get help.

No, I don't judge by this dx, as I think most BPD are not really BPD, but knowing a womyn like this is an experience that I think most people would never really totally recover from.