Am I The Only One In A Sexless Marriage?

It feels that way. Like everyone else has a perfect happy sex life and mine is just crap.
Been married for 9 years. Had normal sex life for about 1. Then it was pretty sporadic and that's been generous. There's nothing physically wrong with him. We went to a few psychologist, it didn't help so he didn't followed up and to be honest neither did I. I think impotence is contagious because I go through periods of time when I don't want to know anything about sex, and I just wasn't that way before. I've tried porn and dirty novels to try to get me in the mood, but it just makes me feel more miserable because it reminds me of all the things I've missed out and how my life is kinda over blah, blah, blah.
He is a good person/husband (unfortunately) Secretly I wish he was a jerk so I could have a good excuse to leave him and not ending up in the eyes of our family and friends like the evil c-bomb that walked out on the kind and wonderful man. Not that I have anywhere to go.
Anyways pity party over. Just reaching out I guess.

 

Guess your just incompatible in the bedroom..
You either put up with it, or not. Does he tell you why? Is he cheating?
Does he not fancy you? Impotence doesn't mean the end to a sex life..there are lots of things you can do without actually having penetration.
Perhaps if he is worried about it, he misses it too..ever thought of seeing a sex therapist?
If it bothers you both.. maybe it's a good move.

 

It's time to sit down with him, knee to knee, and tell him you love him but you have sexual needs. Don't pressure him but tell you need this for mental and physical reasons. Do not deprive yourself of a healthy sex life. It too important.

 

I think that sex is of course not the most important part of a relationship but it's important. And it's important to you so I think while he seems like a great guy, this will keep bothering you. So I think you have to find a way to meet each other halfway or maybe accept that you're not sexually compatible. Sorry you find yourself here.

 

Every marriage is miserable

Take comfort in the fact you are not alone

 

LOL C bomb... Those of you unfortunate enough to have read my posts in the Total Eclipse of the Chat thread will know why that made me giggle.

Anyway, staying with someone because they are kind and wonderful isn't a thing. My mom is kind and wonderful, but I wasn't about to live with her the rest of my life. If you're incompatible, you're incompatible. There's no shame in that. People act like sex is shallow, and, I'm sorry, but it's not. It is an important component in the romantic adult relationship. Everyone has the right to be happy and satisfied. If your needs aren't being met, you're going to have to sit down with him and have a pretty intense conversation that will probably be uncomfortable for you. And for him.

But if you don't want to be sexual unfulfilled the rest of your life, you are going to have to address the elephant in the room. Wishing he was a dick so you could justify leaving him isn't a solution.

 

I agree with the above post. Get this out in the open and be firm but not hurtful. We may be judged for this but my wife and I believe in the the FWB concept. We both agreed a long time ago if we could not perform sex with each other for whatever reason,we would seek out a fuck buddy. Sex is healthy. Maybe he needs to understands you are very very serious, but do not want to hurt him.

 

I actually just had this conversation with a friend an hour ago. A lot of times this is because we're not raw and emotionally honest with each other about everything, not just sex. People have such huge hangups that develop over time that we slowly close our ourselves off to each other...till we can't even do the simplest of our primal instincts!

It works both ways though, everyone needs to be completely open and non-judgmental for it to work and that can be easier to demand of someone else than to give yourself. The very best sex/relationships I have had are with people that can put me in my place and love me at the same time. It's like the ultimate drug.

I'd talk before you walk. He might be super kinky and you have no idea! Or you find out he's just not the one and it's easier to let it go.

 

But why do you guys always just assume its because the wife is frigid? I dont understand this, its like you are all blind. Granted it manifests in different ways, but if you think they are less hornier than you guys are, WTH?

No one is ever completely open with anyone else

"The very best sex/relationships you've had"? You are talking about people that are now ex's - that is, you eventually got bored anyway no matter what they did. Or they didnt fit into a certain long term life plan

You all talk like this, but none of you ever communicate properly with the guys anyway

It might be hot and heavy at a particular point in time, he might be a great boyfriend at the time. But if you pretty much know he is not going to stick around long enough, or you know 20 years before he does he is going to end up turning into a fat loser or be a shit father, how do you communicate that to him, espoecially if he doesnt give a shit at the time

and thats based on your life plan at the time, which changes, So how do you communcate with him if you yourself arent even sure of what you want, what you are going to want?

No one is ever completely open with anyone else, no one ever completely knows anyone. This site and others are full of people married 30, 40 years that still have no real clue about the partner

 

Thanks everyone, it's nice to know there is life out there. I had a big talk with the husband he is going back to counselling, so I guess is a start for now. Feel slightly better, I guess like everything it's a process.

 

Good to hear. Can't imagine life without sex

 

I've been married for more than a decade and we have a great sex life. I am actually here now because he just woke me up for sex. Which is a bit annoying because I don't get sleepy afterwards, instead I get up. He is well aware of this but says it's my fault for rubbing my butt on him while I was sleeping. Anyway. I moved in with my now husband as roommates and two weeks later we were married. To say "no one is ever completely open" is just what you have experienced. Of the three serious relationships before my marriage I'm still very close with two of them. One of them ended because I became pregnant and thought an abortion was the best option. He didn't agree. That was the beginning of the breakdown between us because I wasn't emotionally honest with anyone but him. I let my family's possible disapproval of me outweigh our commitment to each other. I fucked up there.We overcame it and remain close friends but the damage was done. Would I go back and change anything now? No, because I wouldn't have my husband and kids. We learned a lot from each other and shit happens.

My other close ex and I were bonded from the night we met. It was a very sexually charged relationship that grew into more. I'm pretty sure I know stuff about him that no one else in the entire world knows. Why did it end? I wanted to go to art school and he wasn't in a position to pick up and move with me. We both agreed that an "open relationship" would be best and it seemed sexy at first. But what I found out from that is I'm not good at dividing my time between multiple people and still able to remain honest with them. When we decided to end it, he flew out to see me. When I picked him up at the airport he had shaved his dreads off the night before which was a pretty huge thing, as silly as it sounds. He had them for years before he had me and it kind of just finalized the end for both of us.

The worst part is the guy I ended up with was a complete tool. I didn't have any real bond with him but he had an endless supply of money and drugs and I think that helped to mimic the "bond" I always search for. Art school can be really fucked up too. Lots of energy and emotions but not always the most authentic people. Looking back he was only honest in the bed room. Everything else, no matter how minor was a lie. That shit builds up and ruins the sex appeal for me.

Could I see myself with the other two in a lifetime together. Absolutely, if things had turned out different. Does my husband know this? Yep. He understands why I was with both of them and he gets it. I get some of his past relationships as well. We just happened to be the right ones for each other at the right time.

 

Uhuh, well there is the red flag, and at the beginning no less

Why is that necessarily a good thing? Half the people out there will agree with you, the other half will wonder why they werent hurt enough to still be your friend and/or why you arent jealous enough to now see them with other women

So this first guy, you were pregnant with his baby and aborted, he didnt agree at the time, and you seriously think he has ever been honest with you about his true feelings about that?

The second guy, you seem to be saying the real reason you broke up was

Uh huh, so you went off to art school in another city, he got dumped, then the guy after him had a bunch of money and drugs....so do you really think guy no 2 is going to see it the way you presented



I believe you have a far better idea how these guys really felt than you are letting on, but dont want to admit it because you will end up sounding like the villian....so we get this act of Oh, I was in this state of perfect honest open communication with my ex boyfriends


As I said, NO ONE is every truly honest with anyone

 

I think that my husband and I have open communication, but that doesn't mean every thought he or I have is discussed. I don't think that marriage means you have no sense of privacy at all, or private thoughts.

I also think that there are times, and we do this with friends sometimes maybe, where being completely honest may offend them. So we candy coat something, or we keep it inside. I think that the truth will set most people free, but it can cause you to hurt people unnecessarily, sometimes. For example, if the OP's husband were to say, ''I don't find you attractive anymore'' (I'm not saying this is the reason, I'm just giving an example) then, that might set a divorce in motion, and he doesn't want that. Or maybe he was abused as a child, and he doesn't want to share that information. Granted, we should be able to be open and honest, but, sometimes people hold back because the truth can set a lot of new conditions in motion. You can't take back words once they're said.

 

No.. don't worry. I'm not getting laid either. I haven't had sex in about 12 years? Yea, something like that.

 

Vanilla,

There is a big difference in making mistakes in relationships and not being completely open and honest. Honesty doesn't equate to perfection but it does make it possible to understand why someone acts the way they do. First guy was extremely honest about the abortion. We've talked about it many times over the years and it was the biggest mistake we ever made together but there isn't hatred or distrust now. It's more of a sadness we both share.

I'm also not worried about being the villain because it's not a case of placing blame. I know my faults and none of them are hesitant in letting me know when I fuck up. Do I always respond with gratitude? Not at first but I find they are usually right in the end and it just helps me grow as a person. I'm the same way with them.

 

Consider "swinging" or other options that can "refresh" his sex drive...

 

My wife and I had great sex for years. Even after our kids were born it was great but not very frequent. Then our jobs took up a lot of our energy and time moreso when they grew up and moved out. Then health issues came into play with us both. Hers continues and because of it our sex life now is pretty much non existant

 

My 1st marriage turned to be sexless for the final 10 yrs of it. A whole lot of counseling and therapy was in vain as the Ex would give lip service to the Counselor and Therapist but would not carry through at home. When she was pressed by the professionals on that issue she would quit going.
Did this cycle for many years. Not the only reason I divorced her but it was on top of the list.

I have been with my 2nd wife for 20 yrs. Before getting married everything under the sun was discussed and agreed on. On the subject of sex I asked her if she would ever use sex as a weapon as my ex did. She promised never, she would not deny me at anytime. I believed her as she was quite a horny girl. 20 years later we have slowed down to once a day on the norm unless someone is feeling ill. Her and I have such a great and fun relationship. I attribute it to everything we discussed and agreed before getting married and we both kept true to it.

 

There are a couple talks on TEDtalks about this subject. Well more or less. From the sound of it there are a whole lot of married couples out there in sexless marriages. Watch the talks.