Am I really bisexual?

Discussion in 'Coming Out and Confused!' started by DevilNerd, May 13, 2013.

  1. DevilNerd

    DevilNerd Guest

    I hope this post isn't too long.
    I've always been attracted to girls. I even remember getting crushes on girls in elementary school. I didn't really understand the concept of sexual orientation back then. I was sort of aware of being attracted to girls when I was a kid, but I expected to like guys once I entered middle school. I remember when I was ten I started to check out other girls. I blamed this on being excited for puberty. When I entered middle school(eleven years old) I still didn't like guys at all. I noticed that other girls were talking about boys. I assumed they were doing this to seem cool and grown up.

    When I was twelve I still didn't like guys. I noticed that the other girls were talking a lot more about guys. At that point I acknowledged that most girls my age like boys. I blamed my lack of interest in guys on immaturity until I noticed that I was getting more attracted to girls. This was scary for me. I tried to turn myself straight by looking at attractive guys and pretending to have crushes on certain guys. This didn't work, but it kind of fooled me and it definitely fooled other people.

    When I was entering high school(fourteen years old) another girl asked me on a date. I didn't like her that way so I said no. That made me question my sexuality again. I had a crush on another girl at that point. She happened to be a lesbian. That year I met my first boyfriend. He seemed like a nice guy, so I accepted when he asked me on a date. I wasn't sure if I liked him that way. I was happy to have a boyfriend because it made me feel more normal. I enjoyed holding his hand and cuddling, but it was very awkward when he kissed me or I kissed him. It took a lot of courage for me to kiss him on the lips. When I kissed him on the lips I felt weird inside. I knew I didn't want to make out with him. Eventually he broke up with me because of my lack of affection. I was pretty relieved and not heartbroken. After he broke up with me I decided to become better friends with the girl I liked. I also decided to come out. At that point I was pretty sure I was a lesbian. I came out to my mom. She didn't believe me and she told me it was only a phase. This hurt my feelings a lot. After that I came out to the girl I liked. I forget how it went for some reason. When I was hanging out with her and her friends I discovered she liked another girl. This really sucked for me.

    After that I encountered internet porn. I didn't enjoy lesbian porn, but I enjoyed gay and straight porn. I know porn isn't a reliable way to determine your sexual orientation, but some weird things happened after I watched gay porn. I started to get attracted to guys in real life for the first time. It was weird and I didn't like it. I'm sixteen right now and I still kind of like guys. I got a crush on a male teacher recently. It was pretty weird because I've never gotten a crush on a guy or a teacher. I'm very confused about this. Sometimes I feel like I'm a lesbian and sometimes I feel like my new attraction to guys makes me bisexual. I don't want to be bisexual. I wish I could just be a lesbian like I was originally. Whenever I try to label myself bisexual it just feels wrong despite my occasional attraction to guys. It's almost as if I don't believe bisexuality is real. I know it's a real sexual orientation, but my heart seems to have a hard time believing it exists. Thanks for reading this. I know this is super long.
     

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