Several years ago I was raped, it was a traumatic event. But I have gone to talk to a therapist and I have gotten over it well as much as someone can at least. I no longer flinch when people touch me or get angry. I dont cry myself to sleep anymore and I can even get naked with my boyfriend without freaking out. But I guess im just trying to figure out am I broken now. Me and my boyfriend have had sex a few times but I just cant get turned on. I mean the first time we didn't even finish because he saw that I wasnt into it. I layed in his arms that night and cried because I thought I was broken. Since then we have had sex again and I just pretended to be into it, but I think he is starting to figure out that im only pretending. Im afraid im going to loose him. How do I fix myself?
He sounds like a good guy because he hasn't left out the back door never to be seen again. Talk to him. Tell him what's going on inside you. Tell him what you need. Ask him what he needs and do your best to please him. I don't know that you are broken. You are certainly traumatized. What did your therapist suggest? Maybe you need another, different therapist. I'm interested to see what the ladies are going to suggest. This is why men shouldn't just run their hands women's pants at night clubs without the proper "go ahead" from them. Good luck!
I think you should go see a therapist who specializes in past traumas/abuse/etc and intimacy issues. Like someone who has experience with a very, very specific topic. Also, how long have you and your bf been together? How long before you had sex with him? Maybe you're just someone that because of what happened to you you need to take things slower and really develop more deep trust first...
Thx guys and me and my bf have been together for a long time. We were junior high and high school sweet hearts. We were dating when I got raped and he stayed by my side the whole time. He has been very patient with me and I love him to death. I have moved so I dont currently have a therapist anymore but ive been thinking of getting another one.
sorry to hear about what you've gone through. in addition to therapy, maybe also a survivor's support group? i'm sure that this is something that other survivor's have experienced, so they may have some wisdom about this. a sex therapist might be helpful too. a therapist may be able to recommend one. acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine might help you, also yoga/tai chi/qi gong i think there's a way for you to get your sexuality back, but it may take some work. i hope that things can get better soon!
Yea, esp. since you guys have been together for a very long time I would suggest a good therapist who specializes in specifically that issue.
No offense, and I'm speaking generally and abstractly not necessarily to the OP, but I'm beginning to suspect 3 out of every 5 women/girls I meet have been raped. Now that I think about it, I know over 20 women, 5 of them from face to face real life, who have confided in me that they were raped, specifically penile-vaginal forced/non-consent sex. That # goes higher, if the term is broadened to include "sexual assault" it more than doubles. --- This is a huge fucking problem, and I'm kinda personally stewing about how pathetic my species is. Fucking evolve to the next level please, I'm tired of this. Each successive generation is supposed to move "progress" forward, and that is just not happening, only gadgets and technology material things advance. But the culture is stagnating. -- Couple's counseling, specifically with a specialty therapist on PTSD, dissociation, and rape trauma counseling. Both so he can understand it, you can, and then together in a group session you can work it out.
I think that's the most important part: YOU need to "fix" YOURSELF. Therapists, family, friends .... they can all help you but in the end you need to get to that point where you feel better. Don't drag that memory around with you until you're old. It's not worth it.
Also your getting professional help or have gotten it before so I'll keep this brief. Have you identified where the roadblocks mentally are when it comes to intimacy due to the trauma you experienced? Have you worked through the issues of "self-judgement, and forgiveness" that I think lots of people go through when they deal with this? And overall what was your view on sex in general even before you were raped? Was sex a big meaningful, religious guilt thing? I know that the separation between bodily reaction and mental mind, and then spiritual and religious shame can compound the process of healing as I don't think faith does a good job of teaching compassion in matters like these as sexual responses tends to equal = feeling good = consent = slut shaming, in many religious towns, and it's downright offensive. Has your former therapist worked with you on this issues are you past that state yet?
It's standard formality to have bad things happen to us. So, everyone has a sad story to tell because it's a given that bad things happen to everyone. But, I think there is a divide between normal life problems and those that are abnormal life problems. Despite the fact that sexual abuse is common, it's one of those life problems that are out of normality. One of those problems you won't get, "OMG, I've experienced that too! Doesn't it suck?" It's not the kind of normal problem like breakups, losing your true love, not getting that job position, feeling inadequate for whatever reason, identity crisis, death, etc. So, of course you will feel like something is wrong with you, like you're negatively different because society has taught us well that anything that is out of normality is wrong. I will abide by societal standards, but I will never think someone is negatively different, someone is broken, someone is abnormal. So, to answer your first question, no you're not broken. Whenever you ask yourself that question, ask yourself that question in a micro level, person to person or person to the social setting that is right in front of you, because you don't want the answer in the marco level. You have been through enough, it's not worth going into, anyways. Second question. Something bad happen to you and with bad things come consequences. That's another given; you can't have something bad occur without causing a ripple effect. Also, because this is an abnormal problem, it makes dealing and terminating the consequences a little tricker. You can't find people that understand. You have to find them through support groups and therapy. It's not a friend. It's not a lover. It's not family. You have to make an appointment. And the way to deal and terminate such consequences to an abnormal problem is more specialized, not like normal problems, where you have an epiphany that you're better than your sad story. It's more strategic, this is how statistically you deal and terminate the consequences. To an extend, it helps. We're children in that aspect, we like the structure and directness of it. But, it doesn't help completely because humans are not apart of a scheme. So, what do you do then? I suggest creativity, as in finding other ways to increase your sex drive. Nothing dangerous, because you deserve better than that. But, perhaps masturbatory exploration, other forms of healing (We all heard those herbs increase libido, lol. I'm not suggesting that, though. But, if you want to, that's cool too. I'm not here to pass judgement). Mediation. Mental exploration to find the source, as in take yourself out of yourself and put yourself back into yourself as an objector, if that makes any sense. Probably not. Visualization. I heard if you see yourself in a certain situation then it becomes a reality, so seeing yourself having enjoyable sex. It takes research, but there are practices and alternatives. Of course, you benefited with therapy, so proceed with that. Sorry, that I'm not more of a help, but I hope you transform this situation to one that is more to your satisfaction.
I am going to echo most of the comments here. No, you are not broken and yes, you can heal from it. I was raped and at a time before there was a term for date rape. It went on for 2 months and I was just 14. I did a lot of therapy, writing, journaling, healing. I agree with the suggestions for acupuncture, I would also suggest massages... things that help you get back in touch with your body and sexuality. In time will learn to trust again, to not flinch, to get over triggers and fears. It's not going to be easy and it will take work. Talking about it helps. Writing about it helps. Getting fucking mad helps!!! I have a friend who took martial arts classes and that helped her tremendously. Find what will work for you and do that. It's different for everyone. Statistics show that one is four women will be raped sometime in their lifetime. One in 10 men or boys will. As long as we continue to create a sense of guilt and same about sex, and people feel powerless over control of their lives, there is going to be people raped. Rape is not about sex, it's about power and control and a lack of acceptance that their victim is an actually human being. Sex is just the delivery system of their anger and rage. Until we start to deal with both those issues... it's not going to stop. Nothing has changed as far as rape, attitudes and laws in the past 50 years, in fact, it's getting worse. And yes, this is one of the subjects that I am studying since it happened to me.
I kind of agree about rape being about power and control, and thus about anger and rage. But some studies and criminology profiling science papers I've also read theorized that there is a sexual component towards the act too that can't be ignored either, and that not all rapists perform the crime for the same reasons. Some use more violent methods, others are more subtle and might appear as normal people and otherwise have very normal lives. If I can find that paper, I'd like to share it here, so we can all discuss that line and perhaps update it to say that yes it is about power but also there is a slight sexual aspect to it too. Hence power dynamics even in health consensual relationships as another thread is discussing, proves that power structure IS inherent to sexuality to a degree. It's just that in rape, that power structure is perverted and misused.
