Am I A Rapist?

Got your attention!

So to give some background. I'm a married man with a high libido and my wife is low libido. She only prefers sex 2-3x a month, at best, and never ever does "extra" sexual favors to keep me happy beyond her own drive. For as long as I've had the ability to ejaculate, I've masturbated looking at porn. A lot when younger, but as older it became more of a maintenance thing. Maybe once a day for 10-15 minutes to just orgasm and go on with my day. Long story short, after years of being careful about it, my wife found out I look at porn and flipped a shit. Nearly left me over it. Went through lots of couples counseling and she "banned" me from porn only to be exactly where we started, as in she still only does it 2-3x per month on her own schedule. To be sure, I did see an addiction counselor, paid him a fortune, and was told I am no where close to being addicted and that my behavior (porn) is merely filling a missing need.

Fast forward, a friend of mine sent me an explicit text that was all in jest but hinted at forceful sex. My wife snooped onto my phone and saw it and confronted me about it. First I said she had no right to snoop into my private messages. Next I assured her the text message was completely benign. She claims she has a right to snoop on my phone because I "lied" to her about viewing porn (as in that I never told her I did it). She actually attempted to kick me out of the house and cited that she, as a deep sleeper, was legitimately concerned I was going to rape her in her sleep. No joking. By the way, I've never done anything violent or forceful in my life. I don't even like squishing bugs. I never once forced sex on her and rather sit back and wait for her to be interested. In the past when I made a move on her for sex, and she complied (which wasn't a guarantee), it often ended in her being uninterested, not cumming, and acting totally disappointed. In other words, a real mood killer.

So here I am, labeled a rapist by my own wife who doesn't trust me, not because I've ever cheated on her (which I haven't) but merely because I've looked at porn. I'm very easy going and let most things go, but this one is weighing on me longer than I expected. What advice is out there?

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......



Cheers Glen.

 

Seems identical to a post that I've seen earlier on the forums. Maybe it's a common problem.

Sounds like you and your wife are not that compatible. I suppose that you could try to deal with that in counseling, so long as you have a counselor who isn't going to take sides.

Imho, you may be happier getting a divorce. I recommend the counseling first, and certainly stay with the marriage if you think it's worth it.

If you want to go the divorce route, read up on it and plan things out with a lawyer. Could be expensive for you, depending, but you might be better off.

I certainly hope that if you have a marriage that is worthwhile overall, you'll stay with it. Sounds to me like you don't though. Ending things amicably might be a good goal.

There is apparently no trust in your marriage

Your attitudes about, and appetites for sex appear to be completely incompatible

 

Clearly it isn't working out.

You have both done some things wrong though, it isn't all her fault. Yes she could be more attentive, but you have technically been lying to her about the porn for a long time. And yes she was snooping on your phone, but you were having inappropriate conversations with other women (whether they went any further or not, i would have been pissed too).

Did you not know her stance on porn when you married her?

 

married people are as one under the law

that means your phone is her phone

she had every right to check the messages

 

Mattkat - no I did not. I always knew she was more repressed on sex. I dated her for 3 years before we first slept together, as a first point. I never brought up porn with her because I already knew she was generally uninterested in sex. I dealt with that lack of interest in my own (safe, free, and legal) way. I never thought she'd be into it, but I also never thought she'd be so against it. I always figured she either assumed it was going on or her response would be along the lines of "boys will be boys."

 

Yes it is safe free and legal, but you still should have told her. There is a chance her reaction is so bad because she is fi ding out something about you she never knew and finding out you hide things from her. The hiding of it could be a big part of what made her feel it is an addiction. Perhaps if you had talked to her about this year's ago she would have been more open to it at the time.

Now I've never met her, so this is all speculation, and I am not saying she is faultless in this either. Calling you a rapist and saying she doesn't feel safe around you really isn't fair, but it sounds like she is mostly just shocked and angry right now at finding so much that you were keeping from her.

A lot of women are pretty naive about porn and sex from a man's perspective. There is a good chance that because you seemed ok with waiting so long for sex and only having it a few times a week when your relationship started, she thought maybe that was what you liked too. Now many years down the road she has found out she just isn't enough for you sexually and that must hurt.

I think I might be rambling now so I'll stop.

 

Thanks Matte, while I never did talk about the porn to her, its been known by her for many years that I want more sex. She just hasn't been interested. In the same battle she revealed that she had been faking it for a large portion of the time over the years. So I guess you could say, she was lying too, but only to her own detriment. Sadly if she gets what she wants (good orgasm) she will have sex a few times at once. But if not, she will ignore me for weeks. Some people may see my porn use as selfish, but I see her treatment of sex overall as selfish on her part. Although I do enjoy getting off like most people do, masturbation actually benefits her in ways she can't understand. 1) I don't/won't bug her, with the low drive, as often as I actually want it and 2) when I actually do get it, I will last a lot longer instead of popping off in 2 seconds and falling asleep (she like vaginal a lot more than oral but I do as much of whichever she wants).

Overall it just seems so private to me. Each person is responsible for their own orgasm, not their partner. So if I'm not getting what I want/need, I will just take it myself. She should do the same. If I wasn't getting enough food at home but my wife was, I'd go out and buy some for myself. If my wife didn't buy me enough clothes (I don't expect this, just an example) then I would go out and buy more for myself. If I needed more sleep, I would find an appropriate time to take a nap even if my wife didn't want to. Even after dealing with all this for over a year, I still can't understand her point of view.

 

Situations like this always annoy me. Wife won't give you sex (your most basic need as a man), yet she forbids you to take care of things yourself? Ugh. If you aren't gonna give your man sex (which, again, is his most basic need), then at least let him look at porn.

I don't know why you men marry these women.

 

my advice: Divorce is legal.

I dont really see how else you guys can resolve this. She has a low sex drive and seems really fucking prudish tbh. I go through periods of low and high sex drive so I get that, but I would never shame my man for looking at porn. And the whole rape thing sounds a little crazy.

 

Lolz, cos they dont look like your one

 

It is very simple.

It is spelt L-O-V-E

not S-E-X

People need to worry about their own man or woman instead of everyone else's.

 

She definitely is not being fair to you. I was just trying to rationalize her more recent reactions, but this is clearly a problem that has been going on much longer.

I hate to say it but it seems like this is not something you can resolve. At least not easily.

 

Probably all does mean the opposite of what he thinks, ban him from porn so he ends up angry and frustrated enough so he ends up just ravishing her, taking her like a man, not a pussy, whenever he wants to, bangng her properly instead of waiting for her

Of course if he did that, she'd have no power, would then be crying while baking him muffins in an attempt to please him so he bangs her properly again

 

I don't think the you did anything wrong at all. It sounds like maybe she has some self-esteem issues. So you look at porn because you aren't getting laid enough.....big deal! It's not like you're banging her sister. Now you're forbidden from it? As if you're some child to be bossed around. And the whole rape thing is preposterous.

So...You only get sex when she wants it, you're not allowed to watch porn or even think about sex any other time, you aren't allowed to touch your naughty place and to make sure all of her rules are being followed....she's going to check your phone and computer regularly. I'd just leave her ass.

My wife would never put me through this kind of shit. She doesn't give a shit if I watch porn or even what kind of porn it is. It doesn't matter to her at all and she doesn't check up on me by snooping on the computer or phone. I leave my stuff laying out where she can see it any time she wants. I've told her numerous times that she can look anytime she wants. She just laughs and says she has no intention of finding out what may or may not be open on my computer.

 

So girls who aren't interested in sex with someone just need a good raping to fix that?

 

to be fair to your wife, which I probably wasn't in my previous post, her low sex drive is probably a huge contributor to her low self esteem and need to control. She probably feels like less of a woman compared to hyper-sexed porn stars.

if you do want to fix things you should probably be firm that your biggest barrier is not your porn habit but her low libido. Be supportive about it but make it clear. She's probably suffering from some kind of psychological or even hormonal block and seeing a sex-specific therapist may help her.

 

marriage is done...start transferring assets asap...hide money...etc