am I a lesbian?

Why do I feel repulsed by girls I find attractive?


hi all, I used to be attracted to boys, and for very superficial reasons. Like, I never ever actually felt attracted sexually or romantically to a boy, but I thought I did. I used to like this guy when I was in highschool. he had lordosis but he was handsome and rich and knew about things like culture, castles, etc, he was old money. but it wasn't a burning desire or like, 'I want to marry him' sort of attraction, it was more like a 'I want to know what you know because you're cool and cultured' sort of attraction. I honestly don't know if it was a sexual or romantic desire, because it's very hard for me to fall in love or be attracted to anyone.

A week later another boy asked me out, he was also rich, but not old money. I liked him too. he was less handsome but he was almost as cultured and very gentlemanly, soft spoken, fair, thin, well, he was attractive to me and I was so proud because every girl liked this kid and he chose me out of so many people. we started dating but soon for whatever reason I kept making excuses not to see him. I didn't dislike him. I thought he was so cool. he even asked if he could hold my hand before he held my hand. I really liked him so much, but his mother soon caught up because he would go to the mall, and come back one hour later bc his gf kept canceling last minute. she put a stop to our relationship. (I'm not rich, I'm upper middle class, these boys were upper class)

Cue about two years later, my dad's friend brought his daughter to visit us, they were gonna stay with us for three months. Let's call her Felicia (not her real name). Damn, Felicia was hot af, basically she was someone I didn't know I wanted until I saw her, but it was really weird, because when I first saw her I HATED her, I mean I HATED her. I thought she was sure to be stupid and shallow and crazy.

I mean, I have to admit, even from the start I thought she was beautiful, and classy and hot, but I didn't feel any desire for her AT ALL. I already knew what LGBTQ was, but by this time I already swore to myself I'd never marry, and for sure I wasn't a lesbian or bisexual. I considered myself a LGBTQ supporter but I never considered myself as anything else than straight.

Okay, let's say, I fell in love with Felicia. I mean, I liked my ex boyfriends, but I didn't know what love was until I fell in love with Felicia. She was playing the piano once, and I stood there, and I wanted to die. I didn't even know this was love. She liked to draw, and write, and paint, and sculpt, and I really liked her and admired her, also I realised she wasn't a dunce. it was the same thing with the boys basically, I like people who know things I don't know about. BUT. like, I LOVED Felicia. I thought those good feelings I felt and had for those two boys was love, but I realised that it wasn't, I think? What do you think?

I mean , it was different, what I felt for Felicia. And I'm not even talking about sex or anything like that. not lust or anything. I just loved her, and cared about her, and I treated her like she was glass. I loved her so much, I never felt so fulfilled, I realise that I loved caring for her and thinking about her, and kissing her, and she was very nurturing. my mother didn't have that quality. We eventually entered into a relationship, but it was a whole month later that we had sex. I didn't even know what sex was, I was kind of naive, it was 2011, ok, my generation were luddites at that age. I never viewed porn before, and I had sex ed but I literally gave it two seconds of thought and forgot about the whole thing. Also Felicia was 10 years older than me. It just blew me away. I told myself 1) I would never fall in love 2) I would never be attracted to girls 3)I would never date anyone older than me by 5 years and above. My parent's marriage was kind of a failure, and they are 9 years apart. so I really didn't want any kind of marriage or love, especially not with someone older than me by TEN YEARS

Anyway it's now ten years later, I am still in love with Felicia. Well, kind of, as in, we are such different people now, but I still love her because you know, she was my first love, she made me who I am, I cannot let go of her.

But I've been trying to look for younger partners, and after Felicia I'm kind of convinced I'm a lesbian, so mainly the people I'm attracted to are women, but for whatever reason, I always get repulsed by the women I am attracted to, and I have no idea why. I don't understand why I am not repulsed by Felicia, but for other women it's different. I have a friend, let's call her Greta. I've known Greta for ten years, and Greta is an attractive woman, well, she is quite my type. A few years back I developed a crush on her, and as soon as my brain viewed her in a romantic way, or a marital way, I started feeling repulsed by her. I didn't tell her, and to this day we are still friends.

Is this because those girls are not supposed to be my wife? Maybe when I meet the right woman I won't be repulsed by her? Or am I straight? Why am I feeling these weird things? Why am I feeling repulsed by these women I'm attracted to but not Felicia? Also I've never been attracted to a man before, I never felt what I felt with Felicia before, for a man. Felicia is dating a man now, but she seems unable to keep her romances. I'm sure this one will end in tears as well. Should I marry her? I don't know how to go about it. This year I will be the age she was when we met. Should I look for other women?

 

I know that I have made some grammatical and semantical mistakes in my post. I'm really tired and I don't care much about grammar and stuff like that because I write journals and news articles for a living, so I'm really tired of writing and I just write whatever that comes to my mind first, so sorry, I also know French and Italian so everything gets mixed up quite badly in my head, I'm so sorry girls and guys. I hope my message is clear though. would be so grateful if someone would grace me with a response

 

If I may ask--were you raised in a religious home? I feel sad for your confusion---I wish I had a coherent answer for you.

 

What does religion have to do with this? We can make religion out of anything! Alcoholic Anonymous, Boy or girls Scouts..our work!

 

Jealousy maybe?

Maybe because you're attracted to them, you're jealous of their attractiveness?

Jealousy feeds anger; anger feeds repulsion?

 

My daughter is a therapist. She does a great deal of couples counselling.

But it can be quite time-consuming and expensive for clients. Expensive is the biggest downside to it, I'd suppose.

 

you are way off course. I am not the jealous type, even if I were, I wouldn't be jealous of beauty. I grew up with it instilled in me that intelligence comes first, beauty is always secondary. so I am definitely not jealous of these women, besides I don't understand at all how one can be jealous of someone you're attracted to. I'm not the jealous type, if I am attracted to someone I will want to care for them and love the hell out of them, makes no sense that I'd be jealous of someone I find attractive, and please don't say, "oh I meant, subconsciously". like NO just NO

 

Have you considered that maybe you're demisexual? That you need a strong emotional connection to someone before you can be sexually attracted to them? Also, if you're still in love with Felicia it could be hindering you from truly moving on.

 

Okay. Not sure why you think I'm "off", though. You asked why you are repulsed by women (note the plural) you're attracted to - and I questioned one possibility.

Just trying to find an answer to your question.

Would you like anyone to go on thinking about what the answer might be to your question?

 

hi, this is very possible, but I don't think so, I mentioned Greta, I've known her for ten years, and I developed feelings for her a few years back meaning when I'd known her for 7 years, and I started immediately to feel grossed out. so I don't think so.

 

I don't know, I posted because I was thinking that maybe someone out there might have had a similar confusion before.

you're right...actually, we do know each other very well, but, I'm very scared of her. I don't think I have the courage to propose, especially because she too comes from an upper class family like the two boys I liked. I hope I will do better in life. Maybe then I'll consider asking her seriously...sorry I feel the need to avoid the word 'propose'... hehe.

I don't know for certain how she would feel marrying me, but we have always been very happy together, we finish each other's sentences. I've had and have many best friends but we never finish each other's sentences ever.

You're right, I should talk about this with a therapist. I will seek out one soon. I'm very paranoid that people will know I may be a lesbian.

Thank you Kathy.

 

Hi, actually, I'll be honest, I am a christian. I said I wasn't because I know people will make all sorts of assumptions if they knew, the most common one being that my religious beliefs and upbringing might have imposed certain beliefs or conditioning upon my psyche and every other layer of my mind and so now I am feeling a repulsion (because of that). I have to admit, I struggled, I'm the type of Christian who's weak point is guilt. I feel guilty about everything. I feel guilty for wanting success, etc, the silliest things. Until I talked to my friends and mother and they explained to me that it was the devil who was attacking me and that what I feel and want are very normal and that in the bible it promises us we will attain success, God wants it for us.

Also, with being Christian, people will start having many preconceived notions about what kind of person I am, and the way I think, etc.

Actually, God has told me so many times through bible verses, etc, that it is not a sin to be homosexual. Storytime, I was feeling very sad recently, I decided to tell my mother everything I was feeling, about Felicia, and other things, and the next night, as I was doing my customary 30 minutes instagram scrolling before bedtime, the thought of being single and struggling for the rest of my life, being and feeling different, etc very much on my mind, and the first post I came across was of Harris Reed, (google him), and their post was talking about their fiancé, who proposed, and he said that growing up he'd never felt like he'd belong, like he'd ever find love, especially in such a heterosexual world. It was quite a lengthy post but you get the picture. I mean, Harris Reed, I follow him, but for. some reason his posts NEVER appear on my homepage, not only that, I never look at my homepage, I always look at my discovery page instead. So it really felt fateful, especially because he articulated exactly everything I was feeling, exactly what I was telling my mother about. And if you're Christian, you know when you know. Like, if it's God who is speaking to you, you know. There were other examples, but they involved bible verses, so I won't share them as it might not be relatable.

Even my pastor said so. Another pastor said although it is a sin, us mankind will never know what another suffers and why and to what depths they are struggling, they wouldn't even know themselves, only God knows, and He will not condemn you to hell, He will understand you and have compassion. I believe people who claim to be 'converted' to heterosexuals are people who never were gay to begin with, they probably had traumatic experiences. But others are truly homosexual, that is why some people can 'turn' and others can't. The problem is that both sides like to attack each other without considering this middle ground, of course no one likes to admit that they were traumatised, so it's understandable.

My pastor also said something I consider to be very profound. My degree was in classical studies and literature, and during my free time I would pour over books about culture and psychology. I also liked to contemplate pictures by famous photojournalists, especially those whose subjects are the human face/ human figure. I liked to think with hard work I could know everything there is to know about human behaviour, nature and the human mind. But once, my pastor said, "We are made up of so many layers, no one will ever know the truth in most of our actions." For me, that opened my eyes, and took away a lot of the burden I was carrying.

Anyway enough about me, I wanted to explain that I am not your typical Christian. I grew up in a relatively Christian home but our discussions about issues such as LGBTQ were very positive, I already mentioned in the original post that I considered myself a supporter, I've considered myself a supporter since I was 14. and those feelings of guilt, struggles, et cetera came only after I realised I might be homosexual myself. My parents have always been supportive of me, even my dad, when I told him I was lesbian a year after that whole thing with Felicia (I had to wait, I didn't want him to make the connection haha) he was very happy, he was supportive. he still is. So yeah, sorry for the long post, but these things I am feeling, it is not because of any kind of religious upbringing or beliefs, besides, if people took the time to study the bible with an open mind without judging whatever God does in there, you'd realise a lot of things he ask us to do are scientifically beneficial for us.

Look at the sabbath, we are supposed to rest every seven days, science has shown this is beneficial for us. I am on a diet right now, and I have one to two cheat days, that is honestly the only way I can continue this diet. It's the same thing with work, it's important to have rest, or a mental health day. I know it's hard, a lot of preachers are a hard kind of people. they preach hell and hate and fear instead of love and acceptance, but they forget that everyone's makeup is different. They may be the type of person who needs to be reminded frequently of hell, others do not. Most people don't want to go to church to hear they will go to hell with one single misstep, when they already had have spent the whole week being antagonised by Frank from finance, or Susan from HR. For me, I KNOW about hell, it's always at the forefront of my mind (other than Felicia ) What I want and need is morale boosts, emotional support and relationships with other Christians, and many pastors get this very right. I also understand it's hard not to judge God when you read the bible, it is so human to do so, we all want justice and fairness. But just try to read the bible with an open mind, with the belief that God LOVES YOU, you will experience a change, which will blossom into something radical if you let it.

Also, I said hell is at the forefront of my mind, that's a little bit of an exaggeration, and it doesn't mean that I'm feeling repulsed because I believe it's wrong. I used to believe wanting a lot of money was sinful, but I wasn't repulsed by money, boy I love money. I mean, I don't know how else to really convince you, this repulsion is not because of whatever religious beliefs I have. the bible is more scientific that you think, and I grew up in a household where I was free to play with cars if I wanted to, build legos, draw genitals, etc, and whenever me and my brothers did something wrong, my parents talked with us instead of punishing us. They trained us to talk about our feelings and thoughts, we were never punished. I don't know what else to say. Thanks for reading !!

God bless, everyone.

 

sorry, Harris Reed identifies as 'they'/ 'their', I'm sorry I kept giving them the wrong pronoun!! Was typing really fast. and I have a lot of things to do today!! D:

 

Hi Intrepid37, sorry I think I overreacted. I thought you were off because I knew someone would say that, that it's caused by jealousy. I was hoping no one would. Yes I would like whoever who wants to to keep thinking of possible answers to my question. Thank you

 

So what if you are. It doesn't change who you are or who you want to be. If you are only romantically attracted to women but yet kind to everyone what's the problem with that? I'm going to play the repulsion part as you don't want to admit, deeply admit, you are attracted to women romantically. You don't have a problem with men but women and their mannerisms turn your head. At least these two women have. Now realizing you are attracted to these women and feeling confused about it troubles you. So as a defense mechanism you become repulsed for only loving same sex people and not the opposite sex as those around you would have it. The pressures exerted by society when a human comes to love another human that is of the same sex is enormous. I didn't answer your poll because I do not feel the available selections fit. I think you are throwing up the repulsion barrier to try to fend off your true feelings and to conform to customary beliefs.

 

like being a christian, people have certain (actually, they have many) preconceived notions about women who are lesbians. I mean gay men have it hard enough, but lesbian women have it harder, and I don't know why no one talks about this. that is partly why I do not want people to know. it's hard enough that I'm a Christian and most people have bad feelings and notions about that, I can't possibly add another identity to myself that literally everyone hates. like, have you seen how women treat lesbian women? They're even talking about lesbians having separate public toilets. Gay men get mocked, lesbian women get hated on. also, men just think you hate men if they know you're a lesbian, then they start making all kinds of stuff up like how your dad hated u, ur mom molested u, or whatever the stereotypes are currently. and women don't just hate on lesbians, they literally go out of their way to make sure you know. I have 'came out' before, when I was younger, and luckily those people aren't in my life anymore. I'm not an unattractive person either, in fact I was very popular, and then when I 'came out' I became the class pariah. people only SAY they love and support homosexual people, they don't. I think every homosexual knows this. it doesn't matter what your social media looks like, it doesn't matter what you look like, it doesn't matter how much money you have, what family you come from, the reactions you get, they're just different ranges of bad, and you know this, you said the pressures exerted by society is enormous.

Other than that, I think you raise really good points. I don't want to admit it, not really because of religious reasons, but because, I think it is just easier to be straight in a world like this. it's easier in every way. your post is very thought provoking, I will try to think about what you said. thank you so much @straightma1e and I like your profile picture

 

I know lots and lots of straight people that are not hostile to people in the LGBTQ+ community. Maybe you would fare better in a different environment, one where you can just be yourself and not feel embarrassed and guilty or ridiculed and persecuted for being who you are.

Same, lol

 

Thank you. So you see by my avatar I'm in a different boat but floating on the same sea. Being a nudist goes against society also. I cannot be always be unclothed without the risk of public dismay. But the picture is a celebration of a nice venture into nature. There was and is always a risk of offending someone and having to face the penalties for just being who I am. Do I give up being a nudist? No, I continue to enjoy life sans clothing when and where I can. I think the acceptance of peoples orientation is becoming common. One can get away with showing affection for a same sex partner in public. The media is portraying same sex couples regularly these days. One cannot go to the store nude though.

IMO Christianity is skewed towards mass control. Don't Christians' believe God loves them unconditionally? Don't they believe they are made in his image? If so then why do they not love unconditionally? They say that God loves you as you are and he made all of us like him yet we choose to select how they love each other and not as he does us. See how skewed that line of thinking is? I'm not saying to give up your Christian beliefs but there's a lot of useless control brought forth by the religion. Many other religions are the same way.

 

Your ideas / queries / problems seem quite complex. The reason I asked about your religious background is because it's known and observable that religious indoctrination can make those for whom a different lifestyle ( chosen or not chosen) feel normal and natural--can be a difficult way of being in the world. It's rather a sad commentary on humanity that this is so , but humans are a judgemental lot, religious or not. Again--I have no coherent answer for you--only the cookie -cutter responses of --"be yourself' . live your life as you see fit" , "pay no attention to what others think".etc , etc. We all have such a short time here as sentient beings, the most I can tell you is that perhaps a councelor will / would shorten the time you have to spend on finding some positive answers to your self doubts / questions sooner rather later so that you can begin the life that you deserve. Maybe a female councelor. Maybe a lesbian one at that. I wish you well, dear.