Hey guys, my first post of writing here, just some junk from my journal I wonder what life is like for other people sometimes. I wonder how they survey their surroundings. What THEY think of the current state of the world, and what the future possibly holds for them. How do they feel when the sun is shining? Do they even pick up on that feeling? What do they feel like when someone laughs at their misfortune? Or kicks them when they are down? Is my car nice to you, or is it ugly? Am I attractive? What does that person think of me, the way I look, the way I walk and smile, the way I talk and the way the light shines from my open eyes? Does that guy look at himself in the mirror when he brushes his teeth? Does that girl plan for her child’s future? Does ANYONE else think these thoughts? What if the world knew that it was collapsing over me? Would it all just keep caving in on itself? Does she love me anymore? Did she ever love me? I’m recalling a time when I was about 16, I had been living on several friends couches for a few months, occasionally sleeping outside, on park benches and such when I couldn’t find someone willing to put up with me for a night. I was at a friends house with several other people, and we had all eaten magic mushrooms, playing musical instruments and attempting to establish connection, mental connections, friends, human beings, on the earth out of time soaking in the light the sun the air the energy buzzing like a machine hat walkie talkie moon signal shifter receiver. Sharing a couple good laughs, discussed some politics, the end of the world, Mexican food, and some other useless non sense. I was laying on the bed with my friend, I remember her hair was pink, (or was MY hair pink? Hmmm…) and I was opened to a vision on the ceiling of myself, lying in a bed of clouds and frozen dew drops sparkling around, and I was pointing at myself, lying on the bed. So naturally I reached out and pointed back at myself. When our fingers touched the vision rippled away into obscurity and I was left with a feeling of horror, I felt my stomach drop and my temperature rise. Sweating and nervous, anxiety setting in but for some reason I was still very calm, I had another vision, more of an open eyed day dream this one, where I saw myself again (I must be a very self centered person!) only, I was older, maybe 30 or so, and I was still homeless, only nobody was there with me. I mean sure, there were people all around me, I was in some center city sitting on the sidewalk, but I had no friends or family that cared for me left. Just the hollow future faces walking past me, some glancing at me, never disgusted or inviting, just glancing plainly, blank and hollow. I noticed myself, I was wearing dirty, old clothes, definitely not my size, and I was sitting cross leg style on the cement, staring up into the sky. Traveling through the elapsed light path patterns left from burned out stars, dizzying dazzling bright eyed window to my flat consciousness, I realized then what I am beginning to realize now, but that’s not important. It was that debilitation anxiety, the acknowledgement of the fact that I had lost everyone and everything important to me, and that my life was basically everyone worst nightmare, only, that nightmare is barely even possible for the majority of people whom I have known. Everybody as Somebody, some method of contact to keep the sanity level balanced and on point. So yea, there I was, my life had gone down the drain, and I was getting the sense that I had thrown it all away somehow. Maybe it was going to be drugs, maybe it was a girl that turned me inside out, maybe it was the inability to swallow some pride and ride the scree, it doesn’t matter. Whatever it was, that is how I felt, and as a 16 year old kid allowing this to consume his SELF, his realized self and his separated self, (for it took me stepping out of me to realize me and have this vision of the backwards future me) tripping on mushrooms and potentially looking back and throwing it all up. Several weeks later, I left for my first ‘trip’ around the country, backpacking, riding greyhound, hitchhiking, squatting, stealing, running, tripping, smoking, drinking, partying, om-ing, praying, sleeping, jamming, fucking, preaching, rarely eating, and never crying. How my idiocy continually managed to break down into my blood, like I was born with a time release coating of insanity, my youthful ambition and delusion of invincibility took hold of the essence of my existence and propelled me forward (? I like to think so) into a rare void that few children my age dream of entering. Not the journey, or journeys, themselves actually, but the retarded situation I put myself in on a nearly daily basis. There is no other explanation for what I have done to my life, especially after all of the warning signs I had been given. Looking back on that, and looking forward, makes me warm. My mind relaxes and I can almost smile when I think about how the sun looked from the curb swarming mosquitos never higher never farther away yet closer to my heart. My son is asleep upstairs, and I wonder, will I be a good father to him? Will he grow to love me? Will I always be there for him, no matter what, instead of being on the street someday? What does he think when he looks at my face? Does he follow what I do? Does he love me like I love him? What about my car? Does he enjoy the sunshine, or does he even notice its power? Does he like his name? Does he like my name? What does he think of life so far? Does the color green look the same through his eyes? What about blue? Will he study his mind? I hope so, the beginning of our spiritual journey, no matter where it may lead and label itself as, starts, the moment when we question our existence. Hare Krsna.