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The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!

TIRESOME TAURUS...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Hola, chortling imbeciles! I write this from my bed where I'm held prisoner by a band of irksome elves, a gaggle of giggling gnomes and a rut of randy reindeer. This dire situation may be an hallucination due to a recent increase in my prescription strength or it may indeed be grim reality. I prefer not to know. However, this bound and recumbent position leaves me unable to prognosticate in a vile and bitter manner, as is the custom. Thus will I present, with unaccustomed brevity and in the absence of circumlocution, a bit of chortling, chiding and chastisement to guide you through Yule and into the year beyond which, I warn you at this point, will be appalling.

I shall make grim prophecies on the topic at a suitable moment. In the meantime, bumptious bovines, you will be fiscally challenged at the Full Moon in Gemini on Dec 5th. Marauding Mars bangs into bumptious Sagittarius the next day so you'll spend what you have anyway then fornicate as often as possible in an average working day. A great many things happen to you after that but I cannot, for the life, of me recall what they are as I'm distracted by a leering countenance, belonging to what must be the ugliest gnome this side of Gargantua's gonads. Vamping Venus then has infernal intercourse with dark Pluto, underworld god, and your desire for spending and sex gets out of control. You visit brothels, join a sex cult or have an affair with someone in the Tax Department in a desperate effort to sort out your financial affairs. As a New Moon comes in silly Sagittarius, you soon reach a working arrangement involving occult forces, hypnotism or embezzlement. You'll suddenly be fabulously wealthy and purchase a home in the country (with pillars and arches). You'll hire a chef and go for walks in the woods, thinking about life, religion and philosophy. Ghastly planets in the sign of the Goat decree this. For Christmas, you'll buy a set of embossed books on mysticism and order several arches to be built to enhance your water feature.

By New Year's Eve, you'll learn to sing Auld Lang Syne in the original Gaelic and talk to the rabbits in the woods as though they really are your friends. I must go now as a rather winsome elf is getting a basic lesson in anatomy from one of the reindeer so I'll have to find somewhere else to look for a moment. Things involving reindeer never last long, mercifully. Ave, my darling boofheads!

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

GRUESOME GEMINI...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Salutations, my fatuous two-faced persons! I do apologize but I won't be able to prognosticate for you this month. I bruised my coccyx when I fell over backwards, trying to carry your Christmas present home from the shop. As a consequence, I can no longer move my hands without assistance. Prognostication, as I practice it, requires a full set of operative digits of the most nimble kind. Thus, I am reduced to relaying to you, second hand as it were, some chortling, chiding and a smidgen of chastisement for the current month in a manner that will be mercifully brief for all concerned.

Ye gods and little fishes but it's all on from the start, twisted types. The Full Moon explodes in your sign on Dec 5th. You will be fired, rehired and fired again. There will be furious rows as you're evicted from home. You may engage in fisticuffs with a family member or infuriate a partner with your specious reasoning or underhand betrayals. As marauding Mars, war god and bellicose psychopath, clatters into your house of partnership, matters deteriorate further. Persons will wish to have sex with you or shout at you, which may be much the same thing given that this eructation of cosmic flatulence is from the boisterous bottom of Sagittarius, the ghastly sign of the Centaur. Lust, rivalry, belligerence and debauchery will rule as the silly business of the Centaur goes on and on, ad nauseam. Confusion will reign and persons will threaten legal action or throw the weighty tomes of learned men in your direction.

As a New Moon comes in Sagittarius, you will choose a new partner, rich and powerful. You will then order this new paramour to kill everyone that annoys you. You will then have a lot of wild sex and buy a lot of things. With Jupiter in Sagittarius, you will spend Christmas travelling the world, sniffing cinnamon in Spain, eating celery in Stuttgart and riding horses in Hungary. You will in time discover that your new partner is a dethroned monarch, a defrocked ex-head of a religious order or a drug lord travelling incognito. Ave!

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

CRABBY CANCER...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

What ho, my minuscule seafood miseries! I'm afraid I have ghastly news. A nasty event occurred while I was waiting in the queue for my interview with Santa. I was there largely to convey to this fatty in red my dissatisfaction with Christmases past. I have never received a gift I desired and am constantly plagued by post prandial indigestion, due to hospital chicken dinners and the undying hatred of my family, annually expressed in the innovative 'poison pen' Christmas card. This year they excelled all previous efforts by including in said missive an electronic rendition of WALK ON THE WILD SIDE by Bjorn Again.

Anyway, to cut a long story short (a talent I do possess but rarely use), I was in this queue and ruminating when I was accosted by a drunken elf who made a most shocking proposal as to what my Christmas gift from Santa should be. Shaken, I returned instanter to the ward and had my silver tube surgically inserted (eek). However, I find that, due to post traumatic stress disorder, I have temporarily lost the power of prognostication. Thus, you must content yourselves with a brief chortling, chiding and chastisement to guide you through diabolical December to the threshold of 2007 that will, predictably, be nasty and seemingly interminable.

As to the doings of the month, there will be a Full Moon on Dec 5th that will produce illness, ennui, insobriety, disaffection with work, a spiritual crisis and a bevy of persons that will shout or talk incomprehensibly. You will begin cross-dressing or develop a split personality but the quality of your life probably won't improve, despite the variation. As everything that opens and shuts then clatters into addlepate Sagittarius and your house of work and health, you'll work too hard, get sick and have people shout at you because you're not working hard enough but you're not sick enough to stop work. 'You can't win' as a wise man once said.

By the time a New Moon comes in the asinine sign of the Centaur, you dispose of your co-workers and write a book about philosophy that you entitle 'WHY?' Ghastly planets swan into the nasty sign of the Goat and relatives and ex-workers turn up for the Christmas dinner and the Christmas bonuses, despite the recent difficulty. Thus, you spend Yule as in every other year, sitting darkly depressed, watching relatives and hangers-on eating you out of house and home, clinging to a last thread of life in the faint hope that things will somehow improve next year. They won't! Ave!

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

LOATHESOME LEO...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Hooray to you, hairdressing types! If life seems like a burst balloon with Saturn in your sign, you'll be pleased to know there's only another nine months of this unspeakable drudgery. After that, Saturn will move to vexatious Virgo and you'll be so worried about money you'll sit up into the night, counting your pennies and wondering if you can pay the bills. In the meantime, I have to add another link to the chain of disappointments to which you're manacled in life. There will be no vile and bitter prognostications this month.

Nay, little pussy types! Essay no attempt at protest for I'm confined to bed with my silver tube surgically inserted (eek), in shock as a result of a nasty Yuletide card, sent by an aged aunt. The wretched creature insists I owe her money and is threatening to storm the walls of Heaven in her mobility cart in an effort to regain what she unjustly claims is hers. And yet I won the funds from her, fair and square, in a poker game and there wasn't nearly as much vodka in the orange juice as she claimed. It was actually the prozac in the pureed lamb (she has no teeth) but she didn't twig to that so it doesn't count. But that's enough of my troubles! You have enough of your own to be going on with. Thus it is I've decided to give you a brief burst of advice to guide you through diabolical December to the threshold of 2007, an unspeakable year if ever there was one! Here is the chortling, chiding and, of course, chastisement in the matter of such guidance as I can give from my bed of woe.

Dec 5th brings the Full Moon in nitwit Gemini, submerging a naughty world beneath a ghastly eructation of lunar excrescence. You will irritate your friends or get drunk and try to have sex with them. You will spend a great deal of money on things you don't need or on beauty treatments that will never work. As marauding Mars bangs his bumptious way into silly Sagittarius the next day, you will have sex with anything that has a pulse, laugh loudly in social situations, behave like a child, speak in silly accents or pretend you can speak a foreign language by thumping the furniture. You will jump off high buildings with a parachute or in a harness or you will roll down hillsides and ruin your best clothes. As an odious New Moon now comes in the addlepate sign of the Centaur, you will decide to go to university and study the history of stupidity. As you will know most of this already (self- taught), you may also train for the cloister or the military so you can visit a foreign country and destroy their buildings with bombs or their culture with false gods. However, as gruesome planets fart their way into Capricorn, you find that you have to stop this yelling and sexual carry on, give up your plans to study and just go back to working for a living like a normal person.

On Christmas day, you'll eat too much, fall asleep and have a dream in which you do something successful but cannot remember what it is when you wake up. Thus, you'll get depressed and spend New Year's Eve getting drunk and bitching about work to someone that you don't know. I think that's all! Be warned! I shall recover my prognosticatory powers in time to forecast the usual round of doom and gloom for the coming year in a fearsome oracular burst entitled 2007 - THE NEW TOWER OF BABEL. Ave, vacuous vanities!

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

VEXATIOUS VIRGO...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Tally ho, little yoicks! It's ghastly news, I'm afraid! I'm going to disappoint you this month. Still, you'll be accustomed to disappointment, given the absurd expectations that you have. I've had a nasty experience you see! I was trying to write a shopping list for Christmas but I was soon overcome with the realization that, as I neither like anyone nor am I liked by anyone, it was a waste of time. And that's when the real trouble began. The Archangel Michael appeared in my bedroom, as he often does after 'lights out'. Instead of the usual ghastly business, he noticed my discarded list and began his favourite lecture, the one on sin, penitence, forgiveness and divine love! It makes my teeth ache and gives me a dizzy spell to listen to it normally.

This time it affected my bowels as well so I threw my little brown bottle at that fatuous shining face of his and, due to the misfortune of having perfect hand/eye coordination and phenomenal strength, I killed him. One's gift is so often one's curse! I believe the funeral will be held next week, if you're interested. As a consequence of this, I have been confined to bed and the silver tube I rely upon has been surgically inserted (eek). Thus, I have temporarily lost my powers of prognostication since I cannot use them in the prone position. And it's there that we return to the matter of disappointment. You will have to content yourself with a brief outing of chortling, chiding and chastisement to guide you through diabolical December, as I must rest and conserve my strength to make the prophecies for the unspeakably gruesome year that lies beyond.

Here then is the twelfth month in a nutshell! A hideous Full Moon comes in nitwit Gemini on Dec 5th. Authoritative persons will argue over imagined slights while persons close to you will take umbrage or behave in an excitable manner. You may change careers, move house, investigate your ancestry or learn to speak a foreign language. As marauding Mars batters his bumptious way into silly Sagittarius, you will cook hot food and do innumerable tasks about the home, while making loud and fiery sexual demands. A gaggle of planets in the sign of the Fishes and the sign of the Centaur then sees you discovering that you are descended from the notorious Spanish anarchist and punk rocker, El Cid Vicious.

As the New Moon comes in silly Sagittarius, you move to Spain, learn to play the guitar and give a lively rendition of MY WAY to all your Spanish relatives on Christmas Day. By the time New Year's Eve arrives, you wonder what on earth you're doing with your life and decide to write an epic poem entitled AMONG THE ALIEN CORN CHIPS. Hasta la Vista, baby!

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

LECHEROUS LIBRA...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Toodle pip, my darling Scales types! I must tell you I've suffered a mishap that will discombobulate our usual monthly intercourse. Here in Heaven, the staff has been busily decking the halls with boughs of holly, as is the seasonal custom. Due to a burst of Yuletide boisterousness, they have, inadvertently of course, sealed me in my ward with a nasty profusion of sprigs of the aforementioned spiny foliage. Thus, I am unable to vacate my boudoir and make my customary prognostications. Oh the tragedy! The tragedy! Still, I expect we shall recover in time.

However, the good news is that I am able to psychically commune with a minion (ugh) in order to convey to you, not the customary vile and bitters, but a little chortling, chiding and chastisement to carry you through diabolical December. Such merriment as I can provide will take you to the threshold of 2007, a particularly nasty year, all things considered. But then they all are, in my considered opinion. Enough of the pleasantries! Let's get on with it!

Dec 5th will bring a loony Full Moon in idiot Gemini. You will have altercations with foreigners, cause affray in traffic or suffer an upset stomach from eating spicy food. You will knock down a peripatetic academic or crash your car into the gates of a university and end up with legal problems. Marauding Mars then batters his bumptious way into silly Sagittarius and you will have a bruising encounter with a rough or ill-mannered pedestrian that swears at you in foreign tongue. Further nitwit planets now posture and cavort in the odious sign of the Centaur and you're embraced on the footpath by a dark-haired beauty and a grim secret is told to you. As vamping Venus groans and grinds her way into the miserable sign of the Goat, you buy an armchair, hold a party that no one attends or endure the visitation of an elderly or infirm relative.

A New Moon arrives in idiot Sagittarius and you pay to have your autobiography translated into Castilian to see if it will sell in Spain. However, with jolly Jupiter in Sagittarius, passing traffic in your street raises a ruckus as persons drive by in foreign cars, tooting and yelling offensive remarks about your Castilian autobiography in the tongue of Aragon, reviving an ancient rivalry, a practice favoured by the Spaniard. As further planets grope their way into Capricorn, you mope at home, dreading the passage (eek) of yet another Christmas and hoping the New Year will be better which, of course, it won't.

Ave, bottom types! If I can cut a way through the holly with nail clippers, I will return to prophesy a ghastly doom for the coming year, for you and all the other animals of the silly spinning wheel of the Zodiac.

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

SCATHING SCORPIO...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Ave, O nasty rulers of the anus! I must say that, as usual, it's tragedy and betrayal that brings us together. Tragic circumstances have struck and I must betray the trust I have in presenting the monthly dose of vile and bitter prognostications. You see, I went out in search of a tree to decorate the house for Yule and decided on a thirty-metre pine, as I don't incline to the ostentatious. But I began to worry whether the strand of lights I have would be sufficient. Thus, I purchased a further hundred metres, as I'm fond of Christmas lights and spend a great deal of time, watching them go on and off as I wait for someone to come with a present. No one ever comes, of course, so I've taught myself to enjoy the wait, as perforce one must. I then began to worry that I would have insufficient tinsel, especially of the gold type I particularly like. Thus, I purchased extra metres of gold but then began to worry that I wouldn't have enough Christmas balls and that would never do.

It was at this time that a stunning realization struck amidst the throng and maelstrom of Christmas shoppers. I hate Christmas! No one buys me gifts and I return the favour. The only cards I get are hate mail from my family. In addition, turkey is dry and stringy and gives me indigestion and I can tell you the whole business of the manger, the stable and the Christmas story is codswallop. Bethlehem's a dump, the shepherds smelled and only one wise man was present. I know this, as it was me that came. The other two were thick and not well educated anyway. I was told they were waylaid on the road from Damascus, a tricky trail for the unwary.

Anyway, that's enough of that! I was talking about my tragedy. It was as I experienced this realization about my feelings for Christmas that I was seized. It wasn't a religious experience. It was the store detective, wanting to check the signature on my credit card. He didn't believe I was Attila the Hun. They're keeping me here until the nurses from Heaven come to take me home. But, for the nonce, I unable to do my usual round of vile and bitters. However, I have managed to commune psychically with a minion (ugh). Thus, I will pass on through the ether a little chortling, chiding and chastisement to guide you through diabolical December to the threshold of 2007 which, incidentally, will be yet another nasty and despicable year to add to the collection. My oracle on the matter will be available at the appropriate time.

In the meantime, Dec 5th brings a Full Moon in nitwit Gemini so every secret sexual and financial liaison that you're involved in will be revealed in an email accident of hellish proportion. Thus angry spouses and accountants will come and hit you on the head with blunt instruments of foreign make in order to exact revenge for your unwarranted intrusions into their private affairs. This latter phenomenon is due to the incursion of marauding Mars to silly Sagittarius. Dirty dealings and secret discussions then follow until you work out a plan to resolve your difficulty at the New Moon, also in the silly sign of the Centaur. Of course, the plan involves killing everyone that annoys you. Ah me! Some things never change! Of course, with ghastly planets farting their way into grim and morbid Capricorn, you continue to do business as normal and start a beauty salon in the hope that you can attract your enemies as clients and poison them by spiking the face cream. No doubt you'll find someone to take advantage of at Christmas and then blaze your way into the New Year on the back of a juicy international financial conspiracy.

Ave, tiny tikes and devoted servants of the death god! See you anon!

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

INSUFFERABLE SAGITTARIUS...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Hoorah and other various jollities, my bumptious types! I expect that you'll be enjoying the passage (eek) of Jupiter in your own ghastly sign. You'll no doubt be haroo-ing and hooraying, telling wild and exaggerated stories and outright lies, driving everyone around you insane with that irritating laugh of yours that is too loud, and fatuous to boot. You'll also be cavorting, posturing and declaiming in ghastly, opinionated fashion as well.

However, as most of this is undetectable from your usual behaviour, people will make no more than their usual efforts to avoid you. You know the sort of thing! Crossing to the other side of the street when they see you coming! Pretending to have another appointment when they do run into you. Failing that, they will feign serious illness and fall to the pavement, crying for an ambulance. No doubt most of this will go unnoticed by your good selves, also as usual, and you will carry on in your customary bumptious manner.

I suppose I'll have to stop wittering on and tell you the awful truth. And that truth is, my tiny waffling nobodies, that there can be no vile and bitter prognostications this month. I have had a nasty upset. I am in my room in Heaven, tied to the bed and held to ransom by a band of nasty little elves. They are demanding I recant the doctrines of irritation and take a more positive attitude to Christmas and indeed to life itself. Thus, they have restrained me in this indecent fashion and have begun singing Christmas Carols, threatening to continue with this inhumane torture till I surrender. And even though, at this very moment, they are performing a rendition of the Little Drummer Boy that has so far lasted seven hours, I am determined I will not give in.

Unfortunately, they will not release me to perform my accustomed labours with the vile and bitter cup. Perforce, I must take unprecedented steps. A minion sits now at my work station. I psychically commune (ugh) with the creature and thus pass on some chortling, chiding and chastisement to guide you through diabolical December to the threshold of 2007, a daunting and depressing year, much like all the other daunting and depressing years it is our collective misfortune to endure.

On with the chortling! Dec 5th brings a Full Moon in nitwit Gemini. Thus, partners or close associates will be excited, emotional and difficult to listen to as they insist upon getting a word in over your incessant ranting, a feat that may be highly regarded if competition between lower life forms holds any interest for you. As marauding Mars then belligerently barrels his way into your own appalling sign, you'll crash about the place, shout loudly, throw things at the walls and get into your car and drive really fast, firing your pump action shotgun in the air. This will then attract the interest of unsavoury types and you will engage in behaviour that would make a parson blush. You will have dark negotiations about secret or underhand business. You will have wild or vile sex. You will importune monies or spend them. You will argue with family members or have accidents with plumbing at home.

As the New Moon comes in your unspeakable sign, you will decide that you are a magnate, a philosopher, an oracle or a military or religious leader and embarrass yourself by prancing around the place in accord with these latest fantasies. However, as ghastly planets fart their way to the odious sign of the Goat, you will find that you don't have anywhere near as much money as you thought and will have to go back to work like a normal person. You will have a row or a nasty upset on Christmas day. Plumbing may be involved or an eccentric and incontinent relative. You will end up doing the accounts on New Year's Eve as you find that you spent too much money in the festive season. You will buy a lottery tickets in the expectation that you will win a fortune because jolly Jupiter is in your sign. Ave, little loonies! Onward and upward!

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

CAUSTIC CAPRICORN...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Odds bodkins, my little farting tots! Ghastly things are afoot! And to be sure these are nasty times indeed! Take my own situation. Currently, I am surrounded by a herd of flatulent reindeer. Eek! And, what's worse, they're farting like a German polka band, though the worst of the odiferous clouds at the moment move rearwards towards a distant forest where pine needles fall, scorched and lifeless to the ground at the onrush of these hideous efflations.

The intent of this bestial assault is that I retract all my statements pertaining to the humbug of Christmas, the benighted state of the universe, the insanity of the gods and the general futility of human experience. Eek! Do you realize what this would mean, tiny wilting blossoms! It would be a recantation of the doctrines of irritation and the path of sublimity! Gadzooks! That would never do! It's just not on!

But what's this? As I affirm to the world at large that I will not recant, the reindeer ominously (and as a herd) begin turning their south-facing hindquarters northward. I am set, it seems, for ascension to Heaven on a cloud of unspeakable foulness. It is, of course, the hideous St Nicholas that is behind this. The reindeer are his myrmidons, despite all that business with the red nose and dancer and prancer and cupid and donner and blitzen and what have you! They are nothing more than a drunken band of beasts, ready to swill schnapps and engage in a roughhouse with persons of gentile or mannerly disposition, like myself. The truth is that I once used the old saint's crook to beat him in a game of pool and he has never forgiven me. Well, I may have hit him over the head with it, but it was a light tap and it didn't really affect the outcome, as he was always a useless player. He can't actually do anything at all really, except bellow all that 'ho ho' stuff about the place like the raucous infant that he is. Most saints are the same! They're as bad as the gods, if not worse!

Anyway, suffice it to say this may be the moment of my demise and his revenge, unless I run like a coward and pretend to recant my beliefs. I suspect this will be my chosen option as I dislike violence, especially when it involves nasty odours and is enacted against me. The upshot of this is that I will be unable to make my customary vile and bitter prognostications. However, as there is an underling at my work station, I will psychically commune (eek) with this lower life form. Through him, I will bring a brief round of chortling, chiding and chastisement that will guide you through diabolical December to the threshold of 2007, a year during which most of us will lose the will to live.

Behold the chortles! Dec 5th brings a Full Moon in Gemini so you will argue with fellow motorists on the way to work, argue with co-workers while there, get stuck in traffic on the way home and argue with pedestrians then argue with yourself when you arrive home. All in all, an argumentative day and you won't get much done either. As marauding Mars moves to Sagittarius the next day, you'll get very tired. You'll also get sick from eating foreign food. You'll be opposed by hidden enemies that have bizarre religious convictions or serve foreign interests. Bizarre or underhand machinations will then take place all around you as people have secret sex, make secret deals or attend occult rites in weird cults.

When the New Moon comes in silly Sagittarius, you'll sojourn at a foreign sanctuary, commit yourself to an asylum or join a ridiculous cult yourself as life is incredibly dull otherwise. Ghastly planets then grope their way into your appalling sign so you'll start to feel better. Thus, you'll drive everyone mad at Christmas by giving one of your ghastly lectures on 'reality' and will thus be snubbed on New Year's Eve, as all and sundry ignore you in the hope you'll go away. You'll then sit about looking depressed, wondering if you should buy a book on philosophy to help you understand what life is all about. Given the philosophers I've known, my advice would be 'don't waste your money'. Save it for next year. You'll need it. Ta! Ta!

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

EVASIVE AQUARIUS...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Egad, my little airhead weenies! It's so kind of you to invite me to your Christmas party but I decided I'd rather tie myself to the bed with barbed wire and wait for an earthquake. Actually, I thought I'd get in some early practice so I have tied myself up with the Christmas tinsel. The gold, of course! It's my favourite colour.

However, it seems I've done a little too well with the knots and cannot undo them. Thus, I cannot get loose. No one responds to my screams but that's not unusual here in Heaven. We're a strange bunch, as a general rule, and we do try to leave each other alone as much as possible. As a consequence, I'm not able to get to my work station to write the vile and bitters as is my monthly custom. Still, I never liked Christmas anyway! All that piffle about a virgin birth, a manger, a donkey and the three wise men! It's that last bit that gives it away for twaddle that it is. There never have been three wise men in the world at once that I can remember!

However, do not despair! I have managed to psychically commune with an underling (ugh) and thus pass on to you a small dose of chortling, chiding and chastisement. This, I trust, will carry you through the flotsam of Yuletide madness to the jetsam of auld lang syne until you stand at the threshold of another hideous year in the endless stream of hideous years that we must endure in this benighted universe ruled by insane gods.

The first chortle is that of a Full Moon in idiot Gemini that comes on Dec 5th. No doubt your romantic fervour will blow up in your face. You may lose money gambling, spend money on someone that won't go to bed with you or have a 'mile high' bash in a jet with some friends and end up having to pay for everything without actually having sex. It may be that you just go out and lose your wallet. As marauding Mars barrels into bellicose Sagittarius the next day, an energetic male friend will help you look for it. However, he or she will talk so much that you'll leave your body and go wandering in the ether. You'll enjoy this so much that you'll join a school that teaches transcendental meditation or levitation and meet a fascinating teacher who'll fleece you for your money but will have wild or stunning sex with you. You'll then decide to become a teacher of transcendental experiences yourself, even though you can't actually do anything. It should be noted that incompetence has not stopped you from doing things in the past.

As ghastly planets fart their way into the unspeakable sign of the Goat, you will cultivate an air of mystery and talk in a circuitous yet portentous manner. No one will notice the difference between this and your normal behaviour so Christmas dinner will go quite well. At New Year's Eve, you'll make a resolution to become a spiritual teacher and impress all your idiot friends. Hail and farewell, my tiny water bearing twits!

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

PATHETIC PISCES...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Gadzooks, it's you, ghastly fishy types! I expect you're sitting around, staring at the walls, wondering about the deeper questions of life. Questions such as 'who am I?' and 'why am I here?' will be running through what passes for a mind with you. Doubtless you'll be feeling terribly alone! But you're not alone at all! You see we're all wondering why you're here! We even ran a competition to see who could come up with the best answer to that question but there was a mix up with the medication and no one could remember afterwards who won.

Anyway, that's enough of that! Now it's time for this! I'm here to disappoint you, a condition you're accustomed to. I can't do prognostications of a vile and bitter kind this month. I'm too tired. I'm too weak. I'm overtaken by creeping ennui and tied up in the complex bindings of its intricate fretwork of futility. Suffice it to say that I can't get out of bed. However, I can psychically commune with an underling (ugh) who will send to you (late as usual) a mild dose of chiding, chortling and chastisement. What this means is that you will get all the same insults without most of the big words and the more frustrating elements of circumlocution. I trust that this tiny token will carry you through the worst of diabolical December to the threshold of 2007 which will, I must say, be ghastly beyond belief or description.

Thus, I chortle! Dec 5th brings a Full Moon in idiot Gemini so home life will erupt in shenanigans. Emotional scenes may serve to decorate the walls with food or see the telephone hurled in unmannerly fashion. There may even be an attempt to turn your dining room into a garage for a runaway vehicle. Excitable persons in authority may stand screaming in the streets or phone persons with more authority to make a complaint about the awful situation, whatever it is. As Mars barrels belligerently into silly Sagittarius the very next day, an angry male may shout at you because you can't fill out a form or speak a foreign language or stand properly in a queue while waiting for assistance. After that, there's a lot of unspeakable business that I can't be bothered to recount. Suffice it to say that most of it will be unpleasant, bureaucratic and may involve sexual or financial gratuities.

By the time of the New Moon in the addlepate sign of the Centaur, you will start your own business, leave for another country or join a religious order so you can tell everyone else what to do for a change. As nasty planets fart their way into Capricorn, your elderly friends will come and bore you with descriptions of their bowel or bladder problems or ask if you will use your miraculous healing powers (for free as they're penniless) to fix their bad backs or bunions. This will make Christmas the same excruciating affair that it is each year. You'll spend New Year's Eve staring into the sea or the bottom of a glass and thinking that you must do something about your tragic life. Of course you won't! Ave, little tiddlers in the stream of life!

 

Monday, December 11, 2006 ​

Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium." Don't take it lightly.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good time to invest some time in self-improvement. Or if that seems too hard, you can always improve someone else. Oh sure, they may gripe about it at first, but they'll thank you later.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute."

 

Your Sun-Sign Fate For every Month....​

ARIES

Listen Bud - we've had about enough of you. That's all the universe has to say right now...

TAURUS

You will suddenly have loads of money, but nobody care what you want or even understand you when you speak. Your demands are ridiculous, face it. All your fast-food orders will be wrong. You will starve.

GEMINI

The tables have turned on you this month once again. You don't know who to believe, because everyone lies to you - why!!?? You need more socks and underwear. Get a better job.

CANCER

Nobody cares how you feel this month. You are WAY too whiny and pitiful.... People think you're nuts. You are. Get a grip. Go have a good cry. Talk to small children and you will feel big again.

LEO

Leos will get pushed around by Aries and - believe it or not - Sagis this month. You are definitely not King, or even Prince or Knight. You are a lowly Page. Hop to it!!!

VIRGO

Everything will go beautifully this month. You'll get everything done, just right, in record time. You will receive a raise. The people you work for will have tremendous, sudden success..... but the following month they'll go broke because you missed ONE tiny detail ! Better start worrying - big time.

LIBRA

You will be seriously outcharmed by Geminis this month. You can't understand it. Nobody likes your style anymore. Your love life will go south, fast. You'll shop til you drop but your credit cards will be rejected. Get a job, slacker!

SCORPIO

Poor Scorpio - you will get really mad for no reason this month, lose a friend or two, then carefully plot how to coerce them back into your life. It's too late.

SAGITTARIUS

You're a bit full of it this month, Sagi. Go tell your ridiculous stories somewhere else! Nobody wants to know the crappola you know!!

CAPRICORN

Because of your prior achievements, goat boy or girl, others expect you to do their work for them. You will become exhausted trying to prove your worth. You are nothing but a corporate slave!! hahahahahaha

AQUARIUS

Your insane antics have been copied the world over. Everyone knows how utterly whacko you are. Sadly, you will become depressed because nobody even notices you anymore. Rats...

PISCES

Silly Fish, why must you sleep so much?! You MUST wake up or you'll miss some excellent programming on TV. I mean it!!

 

H O R R I B L E.....H O R R O R S C O P E ​

(from homes.acmecity.com/looneytunes/devilmayhare/214/)

Cat Horoscope​

A r i e s The Ram Planet-Mars March 21-April 19

You can always tell the Aries cat by the nips in their ears and the scars on their noses. Like their astrological symbol the Ram, Aries lead with their heads. Inquisitive Aries, persistent Aries, first-anywhere Aries are not scaredy cats, as their nips and scars show.

The Marco Polos of the cat world, Aries cats are natural leaders, always the first to explore new situations and why not? That is the destiny of their birth for Aries is the first sign of the zodiac and symbolizes beginnings. That fast-forward blur of fur racing through your house, for no apparent reason, is probably an Aries cat being influenced by its ruling planet Mars -- which gives it raw, unbridled energy. And like the ram, Aries cats communicates by bumping its head against yours. Good morning. Bump, bump. I'm hungry. Bump, bump. Oh, were you away? Bump, bump. Good night. Bump, bump.

At dawn, if you hear the lid of the cat food bin opening and closing by itself -- bump, bump -- it's just that the help-yourself, first-to-try Aries has discovered how to open the lid by using its head, literally. If you see a jaunty cat coming down the road, with a perfectly formed spider web crisscrossing its face, that's a curious Aries. If you hear a tree meowing, look up. Aries is at the top -- where Aries belongs, up high... first... number one!

Compatible with: Gemini, Aquarius, Leo, Sagittarius, Libra

T a u r u s The Bull Planet-Venus April 20-May 20

Who is that mashing down the marigolds, snuggled close to Mother Earth, lying in a sunbeam? Taurus. Down-to-earth and unpretentious Taurus. Taureans roll and revel in the grit and dirt of driveways or country roads -- coming home with mica-flecked fur and shaking sediment from the earth's top layer onto your rug.

Taurus the physically strongest sign of the zodiac, is also gentle and kind. In fact Taurus will stand away from a bowl of milk if a very aggressive head pushes in to drink from it first. This is not a sign of timidity. On the contrary, the self-assured Taurus feels no need to prove strength. It knows that one swipe of the paw will show any doubting Thomas the power of the gentle giant. For Taurus is an anomaly, mixing the strength of the Bull with the sweetness of its ruling planet, Venus.

Since Taurus also rules the neck and throat, the home of a Taurean is filled with purring. In fact, if you are looking for your Taurus at home, look with yours ears... You will hear them before you see them -- their large frames squeezed into something small and cozy, their loud purring interspersed with an occasional snort or snore, sleeping the sleep of the innocent... or the indolent.

Compatible with: Scorpio, Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer

G e m i n i The Twins Planet-Mercury May 21-June 20

Pet, pet, pet. Purr, purr, purrrrrrrrrr. You and your bundle of fur are having a moment together, when suddenly -- whop! For no apparent reason, your darling claws you, then immediately settles down, paws folded under, and smiles directly in your face. Purr, purr, purr, once again. How can such a sweet face have such sharp claws? No offense intended. You are simply dealing with the duality of a Gemini ruled by the planet Mercury, hence its mercurial nature.

Gemini also rules the hands and arms, hence the "whop." Impulsive, affectionate and intelligent. Twice as smart as anyone else. In fact, Geminis are brilliant. Who opens the bedroom door by hanging on the knob and giving a twist? Gemini. Who knows how to tell time so you don't need an alarm clock in the morning? Gemini. Who turns on the answering machine just by stepping on the right buttons? Gemini. Who always answers when you talk? Gemini.

For Gemini cats love to communicate, love to talk... or to remain silent. Planet Mercury, remember? If you live with a Gemini, then lucky, lucky you. For the price of one... you get two.

Compatible with: Aries, Aquarius, Leo, Sagittarius, Libra

C a n c e r The Crab Planet-Moon June 21-July 22

Home is where the heart is, and that is where you will always find your Cancerian. In fact, if it is not sleeping on your head at night, a Cancerian will probably be snuggled next to your heart and snoring. For, despite their baby faces, Cancerians wheeze and snore loudly when sleeping -- and Moon children love to sleep.

Cancerians like to ask questions -- usually in the form of a long-drawn-out meow that can end up in a yawn. But they get their point across because they will keep asking until you answer them and you always do. Despite the Crab appellation in their astrological sign, Cancerians are anything but. They are soft, loving and gentle but tend to be apprehensive. The only crab-like link to their star sign is that they often get their claws caught in screens, carpets, or your good clothes. And as with crabs' claws, you have to extricate them carefully.

But Cancerians never complain and are very patient; in fact, they will always wait until you are almost finished eating before "pawing" your plate. A Cancerian will follow you through-out the house as if magnetized to your body. If your telephone bills are very high, it is most probably because you have a Cancerian who jumps on to your lap at the sound of your dialing the telephone then settles down and purrs. What cat lover can disturb that scenario?

Compatible with: Scorpio, Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn

L e o The Lion Star-Sun July 23-August 22

Leo is different. Leo has to be noticed. Leo is always on stage. Ruled by the Sun, Leo shines. Leo is warm, loving, affectionate, adorable -- when Leo wants to be. Otherwise it can be skittish, selfish and loud.

Leo needs no one but wants to be noticed by everyone. A Leo doesn't like to share; a dish, an empty box, a room. Leo is a star! Leo wants its own dish, its own empty box, its own room. A Leo cat will lovingly lick your eyelids in the morning to wake you up, then "paw" you (with its claws out) from its perch as you walk by. The Leos assume outrageous positions awake or asleep. Who knows when someone with a camera will come by?

Leos make good single pets. They like the limelight, centerstage. They want your love for their own selves and will return that love in great abundance (especially when you are engrossed in reading or work). A Leo will never disappoint you, and never bore you with its ever-changing theatrical persona. Leo cats are probably the only animals you can clap your hands at loudly and not have them cower. In fact, Leo will probably give you an encore.

Compatible with: Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini, Libra, Aquarius

V i r g o The Virgin Planet-Mercury August 23-September 22

You can always tell Virgos by the white gloves they wear -- or at least, they act as if they're wearing white gloves -- and by the sweet scent of their heads. Graceful, charming Virgo. Modest, quiet and clean Virgo. Neat, even prissy, Virgo 'tidies up' the leftovers from everyone's plate. Fastidious Virgo digs a hole almost through the litter box to make certain that everything is ecologically covered.

Although Virgos are basically loners, they will lick clean other cats in close proximity (and sometimes against the grain). Virgos are usually the ones who will lick your fingers, especially after you've put on hand lotion. Perfectionist Virgos cats manicure and pedicure their paws until their nails are thigh-puncturing sharp.

Ruled by the winged feet of Mercury, the female Virgos walk gently as if on high heels. Male Virgos' paws seem to glide above the ground. Virgos are always on the move. They always find new comfy spots, which other cats then appropriate but the Virgos cats are never distressed. They have an air of tranquility about them. Look into the Virgo's surprisingly clear, deep, gentle eyes, and you will
instantly relax. Now, wouldn't that make you want to purr?

Compatible with: Capricorn, Pisces, Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio

L i b r a The Scales Planet-Venus September 23-October 22

If you want a real live cuddly teddy bear to sleep nestled in your arms at night, choose a Libra cat. Their sweet and loving natures are shaped by their ruling planet, Venus. Companionably loving and cozy at night; alert and aware during the day.

Libra's balanced personality comes from its astrological symbol, the Scales. Highly intelligent, they will share your interests by sitting on the paper you are reading at the moment, or "writing" with the pen you are using or "helping" you with your food. Libras practice strong eye contact. You may not even be familiar with your Libra's back for they always face you; looking directly at you and speaking volumes with their large, expressive eyes.

Venus gives the Libra cat a very soft, whispery voice, but balances it with the most amplified purr in the zodiac. Libran cats love music and flowers. Hearing their favorite TV theme song usually brings them running to the set to plop down on a convenient lap and listen contentedly. And their love of flowers? Librans sit on them, too!

Compatible with: Gemini, Aquarius, Leo, Sagittarius, Aries

S c o r p i o he Scorpion Planet-Pluto October 23-November 21

Scorpios are wonderful! Forget their negative symbol of the stinging Scorpion, and their nether world ruling planet Pluto. Scorpios are loving, tender, devoted and faithful. Not for anything are the brightest stars of the zodiac found in the constellation Scorpio.

If our lives are shaped by the stars under which we were born, then Scorpios are probably the most intensely brilliant, sparkling personalities on Earth. The sign rules reproduction and some Scorpios take that sign seriously. But they do tend towards jealousy. If you see someone glowering and count- ing the pats you're giving to the other cats in your house, the glowering one with the green eyes can only be Scorpio.

But a loyal, loyal friend. Scorpio is the one who would walk a thousand miles to find you if you moved away because Scorpio wants to stay with you through thick and thin. The alchemists of old believed that when the Sun was in the constellation of Scorpio, iron could be easily turned into gold. Even in ancient times, Scorpios were thought of as pure gold.

Compatible with: Taurus, Pisces, Capricorn, Virgo, Cancer



S a g i t t a r i u s

The Archer Planet-Jupiter November 22-December 21

Sagittarius rules the world -- or so Sagittarius feels. Your home is their domain. In fact, Sagittarians think the world ends at the boundaries of their property, and that the world is all theirs. Sagittarians rule it all. But not with guile or cunning -- ever.

Sagittarius' face reflects only straight forward honesty and an innate self-esteem. Sagittarius is Top Cat. Has anyone said otherwise? Sagittarius would be surprised. Agile, inquisitive, friendly... they bear no malice. "Chasing the other cats? What? I was only playing!!" At night under the influence of their astrological symbol the Archer, Sagittarians aim straight for your bed, pawing the blankets, hunting for your legs, then flinging themselves down, settled for the night. No such thing as circling around three times for them. Sagittarians are decisive.

Sagittarians are of the perfect weight and warmth on your legs because they keep themselves trim. They exercise every day -- even if only chasing their own tails. A Sagittarius is the one you always see at the front door -- waiting for you to come home. A Sagittarius has many friends, because they are loyal and true. Everyone loves gregarious Sagittarius.

Compatible with: Gemini, Libra, Aries, Leo, Aquarius

C a p r i c o r n
The Goat Planet-Saturn December 22-January 19

Should you consider that kitten? The quiet one, a bit wistful-looking, frail, with a snuffly nose. Yes, take that particular kitten home!! That frail kitten's probably a Capricorn, and you will be rewarded with many, many years of happiness, for Capricorn is the zodiacal sign for long life.

The tenacious Goat, butting its head, pressing on through the years, spinning the rings of Saturn around its peers as the Capricorn goes on and on. Just think of it! A constant, loyal, affectionate companion for years and years to come. And healthy. No vet bills with Capricorn; the sickly kitten grows into a robust adult. Dependable, steady.

You will never hear that sound of rejection -- thump, thump -- as when other cats jump off your lap or bed. Capricorn the stubborn goat, reliable and steadfast, will always stay by your side. In fact, if you have a golden-ager, one who remembers when shredded newspapers were used in the litter box, who still can't get used to the new litter (it gets stuck between the toes), perhaps as a treat, for old time's sake, on your Capricorn's birthday, order a newspaper to be delivered -- shredded. For Auld Lang Syne.

Compatible with: Taurus, Virgo, Cancer, Pisces, Scorpio


A q u a r i u s
The Water Bearer Planet-Uranus January 20-February 18

Whose furry, perky head is tilted to one side, drinking water directly from the faucet? It has to be the inventive Aquarius. Not only because the Water Bearer is its symbol, but because Aquarius is also the sign of genius.

Over 70 percent of those listed in the Hall of Fame have Aquarius in their sign or their ascendants. But if you already have an Aquarian living with you, you won't be surprised. Your Aquarius probably already knows how to pop-pop-pop the food dish with its paw when hungry or to help itself from the table if you're too busy. Your Aquarius can probably change the TV channels by shifting its position on the cable box. And your Aquarius probably knows how to play your bedroom door like a bongo drum -- at dawn. Genius, but a very friendly genius.

An Aquarian is the one that other cats snuggle up to. And an Aquarian is a loyal friend. Good-natured Aquarius. Lively and intelligent Aquarius. Astrologically, the sign brings good fortune. While the rest of the world awaits the Age of Aquarius, you may already have the good fortune of living it now, with your own famous Aquarian.

Compatible with: Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Aries, Libra


P i s c e s The Fish Planet-Neptune February 19-March 20

Like the Fish in their zodiac sign, the Piscean cats move with liquid smoothness, gliding in and out around your ankles, back and forth silently on paws that seem never to touch the ground, so flowing is their gait. Gentle Pisces, shy Pisces, sensitive Pisces. And emotional Pisces.

Ruled by the planet Neptune, Pisces purrs with tears of joy from half-closed eyes when they're petted or stroked or brushed. Count on compassionate Pisces to always be there in your down moments. Pisces will unblinkingly look you in the eyes, and without even shifting paws, will listen, listen, listen. Better than a shrink session is a long conversation with your sympathetic Pisces. Perhaps for that reason, big-hearted Pisceans tend to have big ears. The better to hear you with.

Even though Pisceans have uncanny memory, they are also silent. They practice a mock meow -- the opening and closing of the mouth with no sound. They never tell everything they know. Your deepest secrets are safe with a Piscean. Like the sonar sounds of the sea, reverberating in Neptune's deep, Pisceans are attuned to the vibrations of their own surroundings. These Psychic Pisceans somehow always know when you are returning home. They will get up from a sound sleep and go to the front door before you even put a key in the lock. Pisces knows... but Pisces never tells!

Compatible with: Scorpio, Virgo, Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer

 

Bosses of the Zodiac​

"It's the Boss..get to work!"


Aries bosses are just fine, as long as you do what they want immediately. Lateness is not tolerated. When you ask for a raise let them know it's for your car or a gym membership or a new gun.

Taurus bosses are slow to change, even for their own good. Once you win their trust, you're in. Meanwhile, offer to pick up the lunch tab.


Gemini bosses are sure to change everything at least three times a year. Try to deal with a Gemini boss one sound bite at a time. To have your way with them, give them news clippings of relevant materials.


Cancer bosses. Don't like the mood they're in? Just wait 6 hours, their mood is sure to change. Give them lots of hugs, gifts of silver and home cooked goodies. Talk about your kids. Invite them to your home.


Leo bosses are creative geniuses, especially with your ideas. Give them a round of applause every day and you will probably do just fine. Don't forget to give them monogrammed gifts.


Virgo bosses are just perfect, if you are. Give them a bottles of vitamins and natural spring water. Be sure to carefully observe all of their little rituals.


Libra bosses are just fine until it's time to make a tough decision. You can tell when they're stressed out, they'll equivocate and vacillate. Loud crude talk is a definite no no here. A "classic" approach works best with a Libra boss.


Scorpio bosses will stick with you through thick and thin, if you are loyal. You will have to win their trust by passing many, many tests or they could give you the one big test.


Sagittarius bosses will tend to be lucky. That is to say they usually get away with their mistakes. Far away. They love vacations, long lunch meetings and business trips. You can get on their best side by doing working as far as possible away from the office.


Capricorn bosses can be just a bit like dad. They think that they were meant to rule and they're usually right. Humor them. If they can depend on you when it really counts most likely you'll be ok.


Aquarius bosses can be friendly yet cool. Don't get into personal things with them. They are favorably impressed by innovations.


Pisces bosses are fine in creative and monastic fields otherwise, don't expect them to stay around too long. To get on their best side go away with them on a retreat, seminar or workshop.

 

Flu Bugs of the Zodiac
"It's the Flu..it's sick!"​

The flu season is here again. In the spirit that laughter is sometimes the best medicine, let us take a humorous look at how each of the zodiacal signs might handle this most common human misery.

Aries is the first sign and therefore likely to get the flu before everyone else. Being a fire, Aries is likely to get a fever and hallucinate being in the intimate care of cute doctors and nubile candy stripers. It could be that what Aries has is not a cold, it's another case of spring fever.

Taurus gets the flu and stays in bed feeling lethargic, but they do that anyway, so it's hard to tell when a Taurus is sick. Being the possessive type, when Taurians do catch colds, they refuse to share it. A Taurian sore throat can often be cured with cream brandy.


Gemini rules the hands and arms, and is known for their good sense of humor. It's easy to spot a Gemini with the flu. They're the ones who are coughing and sneezing and waving their arms in the air. When there's someting funny going around, Gemini is sure to catch it.


Cancer lucks out when it comes to the flu. Cancer rules the home, food and strong women. Whenever a Cancer gets the flu, a powerful, beautiful goddess type bring them miso soup, chicken noodle soup and the like.


Leo is a proud and dramatic sign. When a Leo gets the flu it has to be worse than everyone else's. Leos make a big show of their ill condition.


Virgo is the sign most concerned with health. Naturally Virgos are always fighting the flu with home remedies, enjoying herbal enemas and the like.


Libra is the sign of partnership, and give and take. Libra catches a cold from their partner and then they give it back. Often they're stuck in an endless loop with a "love bug."


Scorpio is a willful sign. They say, "I don't get colds," and they don't. They only get the most deadly flu viruses, and that's just to prove that it can't kill them. Since Scorpio rules the "secret parts," they're the ones most likely to make a game of checking with a rectal thermometer.


Sagittarius is an international sign, most likely to catch the Hong Kong flu and other important strains. Being philosophical, they catch "travel bugs" and the flu at school where they're trying to "know it all."


Capricorn is a serious and professional sign. When they catch the flu, they must see a doctor. Since Capricorn rules the knees, no physical exam is complete without the little hammer testing their reflexes.


Aquarius is high tech and avant-garde. They prefer to catch computer viruses and flu symptoms that no one else has ever heard of.

Pisces is a water sign and a bit of a martyr. When Pisces catches a cold, it features a prominent runny nose and a public display of suffering. If Pisceans insist on blaming themselves for getting sick, ask them if they need a good turn over the lap for an old-fashioned bare bottom spanking!

 

ZODIAC COMPUTER VIRUSES ​

The ARIES virus reconfigures other computers so that your computer gets to download
files and images first!
The TAURUS virus backs up all your information on your hard drive without allowing you
to delete anything, ever.
The GEMINI virus starts a new search every two minutes for great gossip, while it
visits chat rooms, plays internet games, interfaces with your fax and cell phone, runs
the printer and keeps track of your appointments all at the same time!
The CANCER virus constantly alerts you with recipes, home decorating ideas, gardening tips,
and urgent messages from your mother.
The LEO virus downloads the MGM lion on your screensaver that roars every time you
boot your machine.
The VIRGO virus eliminates files and programs that you haven't used in a month and it creates and updates information that can be retrieved alphabetically, numerically, by the file name, subject, size, author's name, date, key words....
The LIBRA virus asks you indefinately if you're sure that you want to turn your computer on, turn it off, delete information or save information, continue on or stay where you are....
The SCORPIO virus automatically installs all the latest stuff you'd REALLY rather not know about from the deepest unsavory depths of the internet.
The SAGITTARIUS virus happily surfs the internet updating and installing information about travel adventures and foreign cultures.
The CAPRICORN virus will continually update you with current events, weather conditions, traffic information, and financial news---and you will learn to like it!
The AQUARIUS virus will randomly re-alphabetize your address list. It will also go into all of your files and spruce up your font colors.
The PISCES virus gives you constant horoscope and metaphysical updates. Then it shuts itself down....

 

Kosh Quotes for the 12 Signs of the Zodiac! ​

Aries: Some must be sacrificed if any are to be saved.

Taurus: Listen to the music, not the song.

Gemini: The truth points to itself.

Cancer: Being seen by so many at once was a great strain.

Leo: Your opinion does not enter into it.

Virgo: A stroke from the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.

Libra: Understanding is a three-edged sword -- your side, their side, and the truth.

Scorpio: We are a dying people...obsessed with each other's death until death is all we can see and death is all we deserve.

Sagittarius: I am studying.

Capricorn: What is need, compared to the path?

Aquarius: Jump. Jump now!

Pisces: We are all Kosh.

 

Atsrology Gray Humor​

The Aries Character Portrait

Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries.

Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses.

Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35.

Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts.

Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted.

Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives.

Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler.

Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius.

Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa.

People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire.

Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses.

 

Atsrology Gray Humor​

The Taurus Character portrait

You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh.

Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general.

Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts.

The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries.

You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed.

Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them.

If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do.

You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans.

Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God.