Alright now it is Astology Fun !

The Story of Hermes​

(“Um, That’s 'Mercury' !”)

Long ago, in a land far, far away.... there lived a King of the Gods named Zeus. Now Zeus was married to this faithful babe named Hera, but Zeus was loose and liked to fool around — a LOT! One of Zeus’ paramours was a nymph named Maia, and when the God of Lightning and Mother Night made whoopie, their fireworks created a son named Hermes.

Hermes grew from an infant into a little boy with astonishing speed! He quickly became bored and declared, "This place needs some mischief and I’m just the little devil to do it!" So Hermes made tracks — literally! Y’see, he stole the cattle that belonged to his brother, Apollo. Being a tricky little rascal, he fooled Apollo into thinking he’d made his getaway in the opposite direction, by attaching special "shoes" to the cows’ feet, so that they made hoof-prints that pointed backwards.

Poor confused Apollo, God of the Sun, searched high and low for the cattle, until one day he heard a strange sound. Peering through the woods, he spied Hermes strumming a strange musical instrument.

"Yo Hermes!" Apollo called out. "Qu’est que c’est?"

"Lyre," replied Hermes.

"Hey, who’re you callin’ a liar???" retorted Apollo.

"No, no," choked Hermes on his chuckles, "IT’S called a lyre, O Sun-Stroked One."

"Oh. Never heard of it," decreed Apollo.

"That’s probably because I just invented it, O Brilliant One," explained Hermes.

"Oh," enthused Apollo. "How’dja do that?"

"I took a tortoise shell and strung it with the gut from one of your cows," admitted Hermes.

"What!?!? It was YOU!?#@%!"

Enraged at having been tricked, Apollo grabbed Hermes by the scruff of the neck and hauled him before Zeus to answer for his crime. At first, Hermes lied about his actions but then he couldn’t help bragging about how cleverly he’d done the deed. However, being a silver-tongued devil, Hermes proceeded to charm Apollo into dropping the charges and forgiving him. Hermes played his lyre and sang songs about what a terrific guy Apollo was and soon he softened from resenting to relenting. In fact, so flattered was he that not only did Apollo drop all the charges but he also agreed to let Hermes keep the cattle if he could have the lyre. "Kids these days..." lamented Zeus’ shaking head.

Hermes knew a good thing when he saw it and concluded that he’d never go broke underestimating the intelligence of Apollo. (Hermes later shared this little gem with P.T. Barnum — who fortuitously had Mercury in Gemini.) So, Hermes made a shepherd’s pipe out of cut reeds and managed to trick—I mean trade it for Apollo’s golden shepherd staff. Hermes figured he was getting pretty good at seeing into the minds of others, so he also got Apollo to refer him to the best Personal Trainers in the arts of Prophesy and Divination.

Now that Hermes had a variety of transferable skills on his résumé, he set out to convince Zeus to take him into the Olympian Elite. Hermes opened up the Quicksilver Messenger Service and proposed to courier Zeus’ messages to the other deities and to Earth. But Zeus was a tough negotiator, and agreed to use Hermes’ services only on the strict condition that he stop stealing and telling lies. "If I catch you being your Mutable Self, I’ll fry your brains to mush!" Zeus promised. "Roger on the Mutable Mush," agreed Hermes, crossing his fingers behind his back and secretly vowing, "I’ll tell him the truth, just not the WHOLE truth...."

When Zeus saw how well Hermes performed his new job, he expanded his portfolio to include Official Contract Negotiator, Director of the Chamber of Commerce, and Minister of Transportation. Zeus also gave Hermes a very groovy uniform — a herald’s staff with white ribbons, a round hat against the rain, and winged golden sandals to carry him as swift as the wind on his appointed rounds. "Oh rats!" griped Hermes, "I was really hoping for the ruby slippers!"

Hermes could now wander freely between Olympus and Earth, but there was one more realm he was curious about — the Underworld, that dreaded place where not even Gods and Goddesses could venture unscathed. However, Pluto, Lord of the Underworld, had done some research and was impressed by Hermes’ gift of gab. "How would you like to be the Official Underworld Tour Guide?" asked Pluto one day. "Ya sure, what the Hades, why not?" agreed Hermes.

So the two negotiated a special contract that gave Hermes the pompous title of PSYCHOPOMP along with free run of Hades. Hermes’ job was to operate a shuttle service for the dead who were entering Hades, and was to extend his courier service into the Underworld. ("Dontcha just love Free Trade?") He also guided back to the light of day those confused, pathetic souls who were told to "Go to Hades" and were actually stunned enough to try. Hermes was delighted with his new job and thought Hades was his idea of Heaven!

Hermes continued to play the trickster —("One of these days I’m gonna KILL that little son-of-a-god…")— but his charm always won the affection of his Olympian family. In his more thoughtful moments, he taught them how to make fire by twirling sticks. ("No Apollo, not like a baton…") He also helped the Three Fates construct the alphabet, and his ingenuity devised the musical scale, astronomy, weights and measures. Hermes also worked with his Personal Trainers to learn the art of divination and became known as the Patron of Magic.

Hermes remained forever young. ("So Peter— I mean, Hermes, how’s the Wendy-babe...?") And to this very day, if you squint and cross your eyes just right, you can still see him jogging through the Olympian hills, faxing letters and delivering junk mail.

 

Halloween HORROR-scopes!
What to wear, What to wear...
​

...Starting with what costume to wear this Halloween! Not just an outfit, but a whole character for you to "wear" like a theatrical role. Listed below are the best disguises for each Sun Sign to wear for Halloween 2005, determined by interpreting the alignments of the October 2005 Lunar Eclipse. Think of this as your Halloween Horror-scope! And be sure to read all the signs, so that you can tell which Zodiac Sign energy your friends are attuned to.

Aries

An ethical pickpocket guru, who gently but persistently persuades people to hand over their money so s/he can give it to the poor...after expenses, of course.

Taurus

The Godfather who makes people offers that HE can't refuse. Or...the evil Fairy Godmother who is a tour guide taking people on guilt trips to spiritual retreats.

Gemini

Information broker who sells secrets about past lovers, which are marketed as channelled "automatic writing for the esteem challenged."

Cancer

A horse racer who ensures victory by using emotional blackmail about the judges' interior decorating tastes from back in their college days.

Leo

A self-taught preacher who always loved the pageantry of the theatre and secretly longed to be an actor, and who now writes critical reviews of other preachers' sermons in the local newspaper.

Virgo

An independent stock broker who uses "inside information" that is channelled from dead CEOs, concerning financial investments in belief systems that involve carefully calculated risk.

Libra

A government advisor who counsels special task force subcommittee chairpersons about how to purchase mystical artwork as a way to soothe the pain of defeat in political candidates who lost past elections.

Scorpio

A marriage broker who is a specialist in the field of arranged marriages between the living and the dead, and who also negotiates insurance policies that allow the dead to hide the benefits from their living spouse so that they can collect it in their next lifetime.

Sagittarius

A benevolent dictator who declares war on bad art and makes it mandatory for all art forms to be designed by a committee of fallen angels using their non-dominant wing—er, hand.

Capricorn

A singing CEO who stages theatrical performances for company shareholders, complete with fireworks and smoke and mirrors, from inside a control booth behind a small curtain...who gets outed by a pesky little dog.

Aquarius

A guru with a large, devoted following (okay—obsessed throng), whose mission is to buy treasure maps of ocean floor real estate and divide the booty among the spirit guides of the devotees.

Pisces

A strategic psychotherapist who runs for political office, only to discover that the vote is tied (between the voter's left-brain and right-brain) and that the only way to break the tie and win the devoted hearts of the voters is to step aside and let his/her opponent win.

 

Favorite Drinks by Sign​

Aries: Gatorade

Taurus: A vintage pink wine

Gemini: Mixed drinks

Cancer: Coffee, ok, just g. i. v. e. m. e. t. h. e. c. o. f. f. e. e.

Leo: Crown Royal

Virgo: Milk, it does the body good you know.

Libra: Coffee in the a.m., water for snacks, a light wine for dinner,
milk for midnight snacks...

Scorpio: Sex on the beach, screwdriver, screaming orgasm

Sagittarius: Imported beers

Capricorn: I never drink, except in social situations, but then I just pretend

Aquarius: Anything new

Pisces: Whatever your drinking

 

Favorite Books by Sign​

Aries: Comic Books

Taurus: Anything about Donald Trump

Gemini: Magazines..I don’t have time for books

Cancer: The Dummies Guide to Emotions and romance books

Leo: Napoleon, Biographies about Conquerors

Virgo: I consult the encyclopedia often, does that count?

Libra: Classics

Scorpio: The Karma Sutra

Sagittarius: Don Juan

Capricorn: Anything political

Aquarius: The Veggi Guide to Eating Right

Pisces: Romeo and Juliet

 

Favorite Music by Sign​

Aries: Moshing of course!

Taurus: Marvin Gaye baby! The better to seduce you with

Gemini: Pop music- hooray for boy bands!

Cancer: Anything moody, especially Pasty Cline

Leo: Ha! I am the musician, I make my own music

Virgo: Mozart

Libra: Well, I don’t know, I like pop, love country, but classical
is cool...what do you think?

Scorpio: The Sex Pistols, NIN, anything sexual

Sagittarius: Exotic music from other places

Capricorn: Elevator music

Aquarius: A little bit of this, whatever grooves me baby!

Pisces: Enya, Sade, classic 80's love songs.

 

The Daily Humorscope ​

Saturday, December 9, 2006

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of Doug.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.

 

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Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

ARIES​

You are capable or soaring to any height. Sometimes by utilizing your determined Martian energy. Sometimes by hopping on the nearest broom. You play all the angles, are jealous, competitive, and totally oblivious to your own worst behavior.

You don't do laid back. Instead, you picture yourself as The Great Enlightener and spend your time haranguing the rest of us unto submission. You are nearly as tactless as a Sagittarius stuffing his size-twelve foot in his mouth. At the least, you have a gift of gab that can make a Gemini cry, and at your worst, your bellicose attitude loses friends and starts family arguments.

Since your favorite topic of conversation is the endless minutiae of your personal existence, you are also a colossal bore. Of course this means little or nothing to you as long as you get to hear yourself talk. You are genuinely perplexed when rooms empty at your appearance and all your friends get Caller ID, then refuse to answer the phone.

Your home is a combination trophy shop and arsenal. The hall next to the gun cabinet is filled with heads from your latest Bambi-shoot. The table in the corner holds a high school debate team cup and a marathon dance blue ribbon. Pictures of relatives line the hallways and the basement is stuffed with assorted military gear, World War II surplus, K-rations and bottled water.

From the time you learned about the birds and bees (and people would be surprised at how early an age that was) until you're dead, sex is the uppermost thought in your mind. In grammar school, you played doctor. As a teen you wore out the backseat of the family sedan. And as an adult, you forever fall in and out of love.

When you aren't filing your fingernails, you are sharpening your rapier wit on unfortunate friends or instigating family feuds. Actually, the word friend is something of a misnomer, because you usually choose people as friends in direct proportion to how they can help further your own plots and plans.

You Martians climb the social ladder as eagerly as Capricorns, but with far less finesse. You'll transparently kiss up to the most powerful person around and have the nerve not to blush with shame when you are accused of that very thing. In fact, you'll twinkle and smile, be all the more charming, and get away with the whole mess.

Aries is the sign of the sculptor, warmonger, Chippendale dancer, and the bad half of a good-cop-bad-cop team. Rams are also great athletes, freedom fighters, and bank robbers (e.g., Aries Clyde Barrow).

You were the type of child that flung open the closet door and dared any monster living there to get out of your space. You also had to get burned before you believed that the stove was really hot. You still do. And therein lies your strength. You have no shame, and more nerve than a one-legged wire walker.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

TAURUS​

: You are stubborn, inflexible, and so laid back you're in a coma. That's on a good day. As with all true forces of nature, there's nothing subtle about you. You're capable of wrath measuring ten on the Richter scale. In your heart, you believe you are right, even when you are proven wrong, and are so narrow-minded that you can get stuck in a rut so deep you need a ladder to climb out. That's OK with you because you think it's a safe and sane way to live.

You are perfectly willing to plod through life without trampling anyone's toes, as long as everyone understands you are boss. However you will deliberately shake up things at home in a spot check to see who's really on your side. You need constant adoration from your spouse, demand blind obedience from your children, and will bust a skull now and then to assure it. You forget your angry outbursts as soon as they erupt, and can't understand why the relative you laid low an hour ago won't share the nice dinner you've just cooked.

In romance you have the approach of a dentist's drill. You can knock anybody's socks off but after the deed, there's no glow. You are snoring before your partner stops breathing hard. You wake up in a few minutes, ready to rock and roll. By then your partner is sleepy. Of course this means little or nothing to you as long as you get your jollies again.

Cleaning house means clearing away last month's pile of empty pizza boxes and potato chip bags. You are a junk-food junkie. Your favorite clothes are cheezy sweats to slug around in at home.

You are often underestimated because of your calm surface temperament and you have hidden talents you seldom use. Taurus is the sign of the writer, artist, dictator, district attorney and hanging judge.

That obtuse Taurean nature you're famous for is a ruse. You understand. You just don't care what others think and have no use for anyone who doesn't measure up to your personal value system. You won't be swayed from a course of action and your strength lies in the fact that you don't need anyone's approval but your own

You are one of the zodiac's true homebodies. You are not flighty, or flirty, or empty-headed. You are capable, thrifty, and cagey. You understand instinctively your powerful nature and aren't afraid to use it to further yourself in life,but you need to learn that your glare and occasional snort is enough to make most people take a step back. Control your famous rampages, choose your battles carefully and nothing can stop you.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

GEMINI​

: You belong to the Fad-of-the-Month Club. You were the first kid on your block to have a hula hoop, a skateboard, or roller blades. You are also the first one to arrive in the Emergency Room with a broken bone, because you refused to wear protective gear. You have a hundred acquaintances but few friends. Probably because you spend half of your time talking behind their backs and the other half making eyes at their lovers.

Gems make good writers, mimics, used-car salesmen, con artists, and magpies. You are also one of the psychic signs, but can't shut up long enough to practice your meditation exercises.

You love to embellish the boring details of your life. What starts out as a trip to the grocery store becomes the day you spotted Elvis in the parking lot. When you confronted him, you discovered it wasn't the King after all -- it was Jimmy Hoffa.

You do have a gift for imparting knowledge to others. On the playground you were the one who taught the other kids how to play doctor. If you were a drug, it would be speed.

You hate solitude. You aren't introspective and need the stimulus of other people to help manage the buzzing noises in your head. It has been said of Gemini Bob Hope that is he could live his life over again, he wouldn't have the time. While this description neatly fits every Gemini the reason your social calendar is overbooked is because, when there's no one else to talk to, you bore yourself to death.

In Gemini, Mercury bestows a natural talent for pot stirring. You love to invite over for drinks people who detest each other, then sit back and watch the mayhem.

Your Achilles Heel is romance. You are sucker for a sob story, flattery, or an out-and-out lie. In any other area of life, you are suspicious of most people who offer genuine friendship because you are such a phoney baloney. However if someone listens intently to your latest goofy scheme, interjects a bit of his, or her, own pathos now and then, you're hooked. Never mind that your latest flame is your sixth spouse, you instantly fall in love, then after the smoke clears and you realize you've chosen yet another card-carrying psycho, you run like Hell. If you could learn to not get married in between the loving and the running, you'd save yourself many headaches.

Your breezy nature and impressive recuperative powers keep you relatively unscathed in matters of the heart. If you have guilt at all, it's more a nagging sense that you should have more emotional empathy. But it really doesn't matter. You are protected by Mercury, the god of thieves and liars and seldom get hoisted on your own pétard.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

CANCER​

: Home is your hiding place, where you can remain locked inside for several months having your groceries delivered. If you do stick out your head, a sudden breeze can send you scurrying back to your darkened room. However, you don't care because you plan on making it rich from a home-based business driven by computer links and the telephone.

You need no social interaction and have few friends. The ones you do have you treat as helpless children to be mothered and smothered. You are not into sports, since walking to the refrigerator for one of your five-dozen daily snacks tires you. Your dietary habits could kill a Taurus, yet you manage to live to a ripe old age.

You have such a morbid fear that Big Brother is watching you that your shades are always drawn so "they" can't look in. You realize you are paranoid but rationalize that that doesn't mean someone isn't really out to get you. You, on the other hand,constantly spy on everyone you know. You should really try to get a grip on reality while you can still find the handle.

Crabs make good double agents, stalkers, antiques dealers, real estate brokers and shut-ins. You are also natural-born actors and make great caretakers of the sick and demented.

You pride yourself on making things last and are still apt to be driving your first car, exterior carefully preserved with carnauba wax and interior still like new under several layers of blankets. You cling to old romantic partners with the same tenacity.

You are a hypochondriac and so susceptible to suggestion that I strongly advise you never to watch the Operation Channel. If Uncle Joe in Flatfoot Georgia, has gallstones, you crawl around on the floor for a week in agony. Your home library is full of medical textbooks, holistic medicine journals, and various guides to a healthier lifestyle. You keep a copy of Gray's Anatomy on your nightstand, right next to the tray of antacids, tranquilizers, sleeping pills and liniments. You know the hotline number of every quack doctor, medicine man, and psychic healer within a hundred miles.

You are usually clean, but chronically rumpled as you keep all your clothes in a pile on the closet floor because you are too cheap to use a professional laundry and too afraid to use the iron.

Your moods change so fast that, even if you manage to work up enough energy to invite your sweetheart over for dinner, by the time you've finished lighting the candles and opening the wine, you've lost interest.

Like Scorpio and Taurus you are a collector. The difference is that Taurus collects possessions, Scorpio collects people and you collect token memories. Like the wad of gum you stepped in on your first date.

You are also tenacious, determined and stubbornly cling to what you know in your heart is right, no matter how ferociously others try to dissuade you. Practice meditating to calm your inner fears and control your urge to hover over every action of your family and friends, and you'll succeed on every level.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

LEO​

: Everywhere you go you command attention. That's because you are usually carrying a gun. You vie with Aries for the Most Obnoxious Human award and pick arguments in sports bars just to show everyone who's boss.

You are the first to aid friends and family in times of need and just as quick to announce to the world how good hearted you were to offer assistance. You assume control of every situation where more than one person is gathered. In an elevator you position yourself next to the door and push the floor buttons. At the grocery store you instruct the bag boy how to pack the sack.

Your idea of a good career is any profession in which your title is longer than your business card. Leo is the sign of the grade-school teacher, TV wrestler, karaoke champ, and floating crap game organizer. Lions also make good hair stylists, actors and conga line leaders.

You don't do solitude. Instead, you head for the nearest party, arriving fashionably late so you can sweep into the room offering your fingertips and air kisses to your loyal fans as you head to the center of the action. Your nature is so theatrical that you can't bear the thought of being just one of the crowd and you will stand on your head or someone else's back, to grab the spotlight.

Your home is your castle, where you rule by intimidation. You spend your evening scolding your family, yelling at the dog, and hanging up on your mother. Your temper is like a solar flare. It flashes out, singeing the ears of the hapless person who dared to disagree, then dissipates just as quickly. Because you have selective memory, you think you are calm, cool and collected and will beat the hell out of anyone who disagrees.

In a romance you have all the finesse of a sailor returning home from a twelve-month cruise. You'll go home with anyone who has great hair. The next day, you bore your friends with tales of sexual conquest that everyone knows are lies. What you don't know is that, secretly, everyone hopes you get eaten by a crocodile.

Your checking account serves as a clearing house between your paycheck and creditors, and you've filed for bankruptcy so often you're banned from using credit cards until 2052. Your favorite game is Follow the Leader, with you at the head of the group. But, instead of Captain Courageous, you're more like the captain of the Titanic. You never know where you are going and invariably lead everyone to disaster.

In real life, John Wayne was a Gemini. However, every role he ever played was pure Leo. Always strong, sometimes arrogant, his characters always knew just what they wanted and just how to get it. So do you.

You are lively, sincere, and elegant. Your independent nature is most contented when you are fighting for a cause, or an underdog. However, since your vices can be as large as your virtues, you need to learn to redirect some of your powerful energy. Give your attention to others versus calling it to yourself. Focus on taking time to understand more and criticize less, and not a sign in the zodiac will be able to resist you. In the meantime, anyone who wants to wrestle with the Lion will soon find out that you are still King of the Jungle.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

VIRGO​

: You have one belief. Everyone in life is beneath you. There isn't an idea that you can't improve upon, or a person you can't whip into shape. You may pride yourself on being a discriminating perfectionist, but everyone else sees you as a royal pain in the ass. You are very intelligent but can't make any practical use of your knowledge, so you end up spouting platitudes and pumping gas.

You have Forest for the Trees Syndrome. You are so bogged down in the excruciating minutia of daily life that you let the world, and your dreams, pass by. But that's OK with you, since it gives you a reason to blame your faults on every one but yourself.

Yours is the sign of the scribe, prosecuting attorney, mimic, despot, and anything with critic in the title. Virgos make excellent bureaucrats because they love to make people stand for hours in lines that go nowhere.

You spend your life moving your metaphorical piles of dirty laundry from one side of your psyche to the other without resolving anything. However, this is fine with you because it gives you something to do on Saturday night besides rearranging your medicine cabinet.

You are so concerned with your health that you rattle when you walk from all the pill bottles jiggling in your pocket or purse. Your home serves as a satellite pharmacy for the neighborhood and you delight in dispensing the latest holistic advice on every ailment from boils to constipation. You are the type of patient who hounds your doctor for double prescriptions, just to be prepared.

Your favorite game is Mountains out of Molehills, and you obsess over things that will never happen. You spend hours worrying whether or not you should use milk that's one day past its pull date and if your tires have enough air to get you to your next dentist appointment. You are the only sign in the zodiac that looks forward to a tooth cleaning. You have more systems for coping with life than the IRS has for tracking down tax dodgers.

In love, you are as romantic as a top sergeant drilling the troops. You expect your lover to adhere to your timetable and preferences and balk at any variation. After you invariably get dumped, you cry for about five minutes then decide that he, or she, wasn't good enough for you anyway and grab the nearest good book to soothe yourself. When you do get the urge to merge, you usually make the wrong choice, because you've been so picky in the past that you suddenly find yourself on the downside of sexy and grab the first person you can clutch in your impeccably manicured little hands.

You also have exceptional self-discipline and your will is so strong that you can easily make all your dreams come true. You are often misjudged because of your perfectionist attitude. Truth is you never expect more of others than that which you are willing to give. You are sympathetic and generous and have a genuine desire to help people do their best. But you need to cultivate more patience and less assumption that your opinion is always either correct or sought. Instead of squandering your energy trying to control the world, learn to listen first, then take aim with a few well-chosen barbs and there isn't a sign in the Universe you can't outwit.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

LIBRA​

: Your sole purpose in life is to be right all the time, and you constantly change your mind in order to ensure that fact. You have strong opinions that you always change in the face of disapproval. Since you never act on any of your endless declarations, your friends and family quickly learn that your advice is worthless and ignore it, and you.

Your much-touted intellect is merely an inborn talent for knowing fifty ways to say "On the other hand." This endless hemming and hawing is actually an avoidance mechanism designed to protect you from choosing sides or taking action. Libras flee from decision-making faster than a Sagittarius from a commitment ceremony.

You hate vulgar shouting matches and sordid emotional scenes, unless you are the one losing control. Even when angry, you can't act decisively. You deliberate over all the actions you could take and wonder whether you should ignore the incident or go postal. By the time you decide, the person you are mad at has forgotten you exist and moved to Costa Rica.

You are the most social sign in the zodiac and use any excuse to party. That's because without an audience, you bore yourself to sleep. You can, however, intuitively sense when someone needs help. This is extremely convenient considering it gives you plenty of time to rush home and take the phone off the hook to avoid getting involved.

You are as dedicated a social climber as either Aries or Capricorn; however, you have neither Aries' honesty or Cappy's class. But since you haven't the faintest glimmer of self-awareness, you quite cheerfully assume that no one thinks your sudden interest in an eighty-five-year old Lotto winner is odd.

Libra is the sign of the actor, double agent, transvestite, and paid escort. You also make excellent politicians because of your ability to talk out of both sides of your mouth at once.

You are a font of useless minutiae, forever analyzing your problems, like a cow chomping its cud. You treat the people you love like projects and take perverse pleasure in pointing out their faults, then get offended when they tell you to piss off. You play the If Only game. "You have such beautiful eyes. If only you'd lose some weight, we might be able to see them." "You are so kindhearted. If only you had the common sense to match." And you are so shallow that your feelings get hurt if someone skips your party to check in to the hospital for emergency surgery.

Since you inherited Venus' bed-hopping perspective on romance, you have secret affairs with people with whom you wouldn't be caught dead in public. That's OK with you because you're so vain that you rationalize one night with you will magically improve their miserable lot in life. You long for a meaningful relationship, but anything less than blind agreement from the one you love sends you to bed with the nearest stranger. You don't want a partner; you want a clone. Old Libra couples are easy to spot because of their matching hairdos.

However, you are capable of pursuing a goal with a single-minded determination that borders on obsession. Your deeply held beliefs set you apart from the rest of the world. Once you learn to avoid the petty jealousies and soap-opera theatrics in which you frequently indulge, you soon learn that no sign alive can distract you from your dreams.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

SCORPIO​

: Why is your life so difficult? Because you are still repaying the bad karma you earned the last go-around, when you were Torquemada's rack-master during the Inquisition.

Your exaggerated nature provides extremes of every kind. Compulsions and obsessions explode within your psyche. A startlingly large number of you either become geniuses, or sink into the lowest depths of depravity. You latter types make ideal mates for Pisces.

Your favorite TV shows are reruns of Dark Shadows and you wear a Barnabas Collins ring on your forefinger. You love to point randomly at unsuspecting strangers and mumble gibberish. Your moods range from irritable to pissed off, and you frequently sulk, brood, intimidate, spy and cheat. That's on one of your good days. Unlike Taurus, who is blind to his faults, you are acutely aware of your flaws, but excessively proud of them. For instance, you like to wear a minipicture of your mug shot on a gold chain.

Being a fixed sign means that your emotions and opinions rarely change. You are kindly described as "still water runs deep". You more closely resemble a boiling cesspool of hydrochloric acid. Your metaphorical stinger is always poised for attack and you are supposedly known for vicious verbal barbs. In reality, most of you are merely cantankerous bores who constantly posture and gouge lines in the dirt daring others to step across.

You are so private even your relatives don't know your unlisted phone number. You have a NO SOLICITORS sign on the barbed-wire fence around your property, and anyone attempting to reach your front door will need a map and a flashlight to make it through the overgrowth. You are so paranoid that you think Alcatraz would be a safe place to live.

Scorpios have bumper stickers that say things like, "My child sells drugs to your honor student." You are chronically terse, and have Bad Ass, Son of Bad Ass, or Mother of Bad Ass tattooed on your neck.

You keep a police scanner on the kitchen table to track the movements of your friends -- both of them. Instead of family pictures, your refrigerator is covered with magnetic business cards of lawyers, therapists, and bail bondsmen. Inside is a mishmash of variety ranging from mashed potatoes to granola bars. Your eating habits swing as wildly as your emotions, from Spartan bark eater to comfort-food junkie.

Scorpio is the sign of the prosecuting attorney, psychopath, Mafia negotiator, and more-parts-than-you-were-prepared-to-lose surgeon. Scorpios also make good stalkers, astrologers, and psychics; however very few of you are in the latter profession because you refuse to acknowledge your clairvoyance.

You follow Scorpio Adam Ant's views on sex. He said, "I like sex. My songs are about sex ... sex is my life. I just find it the most exhilarating experience, and I think it should he done on stage." You'd join his band if you could.

You are the most intense of all signs. Telling you to learn to go with the flow, or to lighten up, is ridiculous. Control is your forté. Learn to use it on yourself before running over your children, friends, and lovers with your steel-belted emotions and you'll quickly discover that most people like to be around you because of the sheer force of your personality.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

Sagittarius​

: You aren't happy unless you have a cause. Whether wiping out world hunger or fighting for more coconut doughnuts in the office snack box is immaterial, as long as you can unleash the force of Juoiter's self-righteous zeal.

You are the most capricious sign in the Universe. The fact that your frequent midnight treks for pizza and beer clad in nothing but your underwear has earned you your own code number with the local cops only enriches the list of outrageous stories you love to endlessly repeat to whimpering friends and family.

You don't do stable. Your threshold of boredom is so low that if anything in your life remains the same for longer than five minutes you hyperventilate and head for the nearest exist. Your definition of comfort zone is the rest of the world's idea of maniac mode. Although you are basically a loner who loathes routine of any kind, you abhor solitude. This is because your Jupiter-ruled nature needs someone to look down on and order around. When forced to be alone, you subscribe to Sagittarius Frank Sinatra's philosophy of "I'm for anything that gets you through the night be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniel's".

Everything about you is exaggerated. Honesty means saying things such as "For a fat person, you sure don't sweat much." And your sense of adventure is limited to navigating the basement stairs without turning on the light. You talk about travel much more than actually going anywhere.

You are also the clumsiest sign alive. More accident-prone than an Aries in a sports car, your perpetually bruised head and scabby knees occur simply because you never pay attention. You stumble through life like Archer Emmet Kelly's sappy alter ego, breaking flowerpots with your head and dropping the good china on your bare feet trying to help do the dishes. But that's OK with you since you would rather be crippled for life than do anything the easy way.

You view romance as a race of how many, how fast. When you aren't flirting shamelessly with a married friend, you are getting engaged to three unlucky lovers simultaneously while making wedding plans with a fourth. And you are capable of leaving them all standing in the rain a the train station while you elope with the Leo in the gold jumpsuit you just met at the liquor store.

Sagittarius is the sign of the philosophy professor, travel agent, gypsy cab driver, and court jester. Archers also make excellent vagrants, snake oil salesmen, and joke writers for the Internet. Your ideal vacation spot is anywhere you don't have to bathe, shave or cut your toenails.

You're also the optimist of the Universe who never loses sight of the end of the rainbow You are positive, energetic, and full of good intentions. You need to learn to curb your proclivity to speak before you think, and fine-tune your excellent diplomatic skills. Once you understand the difference between trusting your luck and pushing your luck, nothing on earth can stop you. In battle, your aim is straight and your arrows are swift and true.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

CAPRICORN​

: You invented the phrase "politically correct." You think you are a classically chic success magnet. Actually, you are a dedicated social climber, who knows just enough about manners to eat with a fork and not blow your nose in public. However, you are such an accomplished bullshit artist that you successfully fake your way into the highest social circles.

The quest for power drives you as forcefully as it does cousin Scorpio, however because your emotional nature is in hibernation, you suffer none of the Scorpion's passionate derailments on the way up the corporate ladder. Your business philosophy is that of the early railroad magnates. Kill what you can't buy off and stay on schedule.

An unusual number of your sign have the same taste in food as your symbolic counterpart -- anything and everything. You equate exotic with animal parts that no one else will eat and are famous for inviting family and friends over for a home-cooked meal, then refusing to tell them what that is on their plates. A Capricorn invented the term chef's surprise.

You are slow to anger because you consider yourself so superior to the rest of humanity that you rarely lower yourself to hold a two-sided conversation. You disregard any opinion except your own, and the most others can expect is a sour-faced glower and flick of your wrist as you dismiss them as blathering fools for whom you have no time.

You are the late-bloomer of the zodiac. Astrologers kindly say that yours is the sign of reverse aging. What this really means is, as a child you sold tickets when your cat had kittens and played Foreclosure instead of Monopoly. And, when you reach the old folks' home your nickname will be either Baby Jane, because you swish through the halls in your tutu, or Letch, because it's finally dawned on you what playing doctor really meant in fifth grade and you're trying to make up for lost time.

You are so conservative that you are two steps right of survivalist. You think fellow Goat Rush Limbaugh should be president, and you burned your Barry Goldwater campaign button when he publicly announced his support of gays in the military.

Capricorn is the sign of the business tycoon, urban legend, hermit, Pope, and party pooper. Goats also make excellent personal shoppers and self-employed hit men. Ever the traditionalist, the latter subscribes to the work ethic of if you want something done right, do it yourself.

At home you enjoy sitting on your four-thousand-dollar sofa (the one Libra couldn't afford) sipping rare wine and quietly conversing with friends. The facts that you have to strain to hear them over the crackling plastic cover and your bottle of 1969 Thunderbird has a rather piquant flavor doesn't bother you a bit. You are too busy pretending the portrait above the fireplace is your great-great-uncle John, whose blood was so blue he signed the Declarataion of Independence with it and no one was the wiser.

You also have the strongest will in the zodiac. The only thing holding you back is yourself. Once you reconcile your emotional needs with your drive to succeed, nothing on Earth can stop you. In an argument there isn't a sign in the Universe that can top you.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

Aquarius​

: You have the annoying habit of acting like an authority on subjects about which you know little or nothing. This is because your brain is like an encyclopedia with chunks of pages missing. You confuse snatches of a conversation held a year ago with the Adventure Channel's special on the pyramids you saw last week. Then insist you had a conversation with the curator of an Egyptian museum on the relics found in King Tut's tomb. The sad part is that you believe your fantasy. The truth is you are not only a phony but also a fruitcake.

Aliens kidnap Aquarians more often than any other sign. In fact, you probably are an alien who uses the kidnapped story as a cover for your strange behavior patterns. Your brain works faster than you can speak , so your conversation is riddled with mispronounced five-syllable words that makes you sound like Robert Rabbit talking about his uncle's "probate" gland.

You have a great sympathy for the trials and tribulations of humanity. Of course you rarely do anything other than expound on how much you care as you are too busy bugging your neighbor's house because you are convinced she is hiding five of the ten Most Wanted list in her basement. In fact, America's Most Wanted is your favorite TV show and you know every operator by name.

Aquarius is the sign of the humanitarian, inventor, mad scientist, and anarchist. Water Bearers also make good hippies, cross-dressers, and dyslexic English professors. You all own original cast recordings of Hair and keep your valuables locked in the safe disguised as an Early American end table in your den.

Your never-ending quirkiness and incessant questioning are the reasons why you have no close friends and your family members all live in other states. This is fine with you because it gives you the opportunity to scope out the action on the Greyhound to Phoenix. Besides, you love a captive audience and the trip gives you an opportunity to entertain your newly found friend with your ability to play Yankee Doodle with your armpits.

You have a kindship with the bizarre and collect items like petrified bat guano and that black stuff you find under the porch in humid weather. You are curious about strange religious movements or offbeat psychic practices such as Navel Lint Reading.

You are so unconcerned with what other people think of you that you rarely bother to bathe or dress on weekends. If an unexpected visitor arrives at your front door and is offended by your body odor and cluttered house, you figure it serves them right for not calling ahead so you could tell them to stay home.

In love, you are very selective. As soon as your realize your newest prospect is a poster child for the criminally insane, you are hooked. However, since you have no idea of how to sustain romance, as soon as the lust wanes, or the handcuffs breaks, you are merrily on your way in search of newer and weirder conquests. When it comes to marriage, the most your spouse can hope for is a divorce.

You are the most annoying sign of the zodiac. You force friends and family alike to all-night speculations about the pros and cons of stamps you like versus the peel-and-stock kind. However, you don't really understand how anything works and your scientific knowledge comes from watching programs like Bill Nye the Science Guy. You think fellow Aquarian Jerry Springer's show is a good example of a fun look at real life. The fact that he's picked people so unaware that they don't realize they are being ridiculed makes you laugh all the harder.

You are actually the world's most original thinker. You are sensible, friendly and idealistic. Your fierce need for independence, however, can be a double-edge sword/ Learn to overcome the urge to lay down the law and spout ultimatums before getting the facts straight, and you'll have the rest of the zodiac eating out of your hand. In the meantime, as a verbal gunslinger, you're the fastest draw in the Universe.

 

Excerpts from Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac by Hazel Dixon-Cooper.

Black Comedy​

Pisces​

: Pisces has often been called the dustbin of the zodiac. Mental hospital is a closer description. On your trek around the karmic wheel, you've not only picked up everyone else's bad habit, you've managed to forgo most of the good ones.

You are as obtuse as Taurus, anal as Virgo, and as wishy-washy as Libra. You blather as much as Gemini and Sagittarius put together, but your conversation is limited to instant replays of all the boring details of your crisis-laden life. When you want something you can knock down more little old ladies than an Aries fighting to be first at a Macy's white sale. You are as freaked-out as Aquarius, obsessed as Scorpio, and whiny as a Cancer with a sore throat. Your penchant for theatrics makes the most flamboyant Leo look reticent, and your opinion of yourself is higher than that of a Capricorn who's just foreclosed on a Swiss bank.

You also have the special-to-you-alone gift for viewing life from a perpetually unworkable slant. You are so afraid of conflict that you would rather eat worms than confront a problem. But that's fine with you because it gives you the excuse to lie on the coach all day, flipping the remote and sighing.

The cliché of the lights are on but no one's home was no doubt first used to describe a Fish. You will fade out in the middle of commuter traffic going seventy, wake up in the next town, and have absolutely no idea how you got there.

Every Pisces is addicted to something. The obvious dangers are booze and drugs. However, serial romances, food, TV, and excessive sleep are also ways you avoid dealing with reality. You are probably a lifetime member of every organization with anonymous in the title.

Pisces have every psychological and psychosomatic illness known to man and participate in medical research trials more often than any other sign. You love the attention and use the twenty-five dollars to buy wine. You are so afraid of confrontation that trying to carry on a conversation with you is like talking to a bobble-head doll You can't make a decision, no matter how inconsequential, and have the social presence of a doormat. But, you do hate to see suffering. That's why you wear dark glasses.

Your favorite TV shows are the Jerry Lewis Telethon and the PTL Club. You love to cry along with fellow Fish Jerry, and to self-righteously bash those lacquer-haired televangelists.

As the last sign of the zodiac, you've walked in every other sign's shoes at least once. And slept in all their beds. You charm the pants off anyone -- literally. However, you are so reality-challenged that you don't want a life, you want a movie.

Pisces make good actors, faith healers, vice cops, savants, and drag queens. You are also psychic; however, you are so self-absorbed that the only future you care about is your own.

Yo don't do realism. Instead you prefer to view life from either your internal set of rose-colored glasses, or from a state of altered consciousness. Either way, you drift through the years with your head in the sand, preferring your fantasies and dragging behind you an endless line of losers you call family and friends. But that's OK with you, since it gives you an excuse to drink and bitch.

You are the chameleon of the Universe, and the shades of every other sign flutter through your soul. Because you are so acquiescent and hate conflict, you are invariably underestimated. Once you learn to quit underestimating yourself, that quality is precisely what will give you the edge over every other sign.

 

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!
​

BITTER ARIES...
The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006

Greetings, dastardly doyens of flagrant disregard! Ill news accompanies this missive, my myrmidons of the psychotic war god, bellicose Mars. I've been overcome by ennui at the thought of Christmas shopping and have been confined to bed. You see, I set myself, this year, to buy gifts for those I dislike. On reflection, I should have begun to work my way through a list of almost biblical proportion in 1999, starting shortly after ten on any given Monday. Sadly, I left it too late.

As a consequence, I am emotionally and spiritually incapacitated. I have sucked so hard on my little brown bottle that I am told it will have to be surgically removed (eek). I have set fire to a paper chain of elves that I made at the Christmas party in Heaven. And, tragically, I am so distracted that I seem to have lost my customary powers of prognostication. I may have left them in my other suit, the one with the ties at the back. Thus you must content yourselves with chortling, chiding and chastisement to tide you over until I can publish my prophecies for the coming year. 2007 - THE NEW TOWER OF BABEL.

In the meantime, here are a few pointers for diabolical December. At the Full Moon in nasty Gemini on Dec 5th, everyone will shout at you or try to drive you off the road so don't forget to shake your fist threateningly and shout back in an incomprehensible foreign tongue. Ghastly planets cavorting in silly Sagittarius will no doubt inspire you thus! They will also urge you to throw yourself about, have sex outdoors, hurl spaghetti at the walls to see if it's cooked and, in extremis, depart the country, leaving behind a mountain of debt and a molehill of regret on the part of those that love you (both of them). By the New Moon in the addlepate sign of the Centaur on Dec 20th, you will travel where your appalling table manners and disgusting personal habits pass unnoticed. Thus you will be in prison, in an asylum or with your family. There may be no appreciable difference to the untrained eye.

But what's this? Yuck it's Yule! Odious planets fart in the ghastly sign of the Goat. The globe drowns in wrapping paper as forests tremble, but you receive no gift but a coal from Black Peter, the sign of an errant child in days of yore. Also, you're rebuked by persons in authority and, what's worse, urged to find employment the minute the holidays are ended. Mercury inserts his supple digit into the shadowy regions of dark Pluto, underworld god, and you dream wild dreams of taking over the government of a foreign country then invading your homeland.

However, as you haven't funds for an airfare, let alone a coup d'etat, you head for the hills and hide in a cave, munching stolen chicken and talking with a stray horse that has adopted you. You spend New Year's Eve throwing stones in a creek, waiting for a sign from Auld Lang that your luck will change and trying to encourage the horse to go and buy a lottery ticket. Hola, rambunctious!