Alright now it is Astology Fun !

Darkside Leo - - Black Comedy.

Leo is vain, arrogant, bossy, boastful and condescending with an all-pervasive addiction to unconditional sycophancy. All Leos are kings, yet inside your hollow crown, you know that you are an arrogant, intolerant, patronizing pompous, self-centered bully, a snob, and a drama queen. You are still stuck in your terrible twos and you can't really believe you're getting away with it. You live in fear that someone will find out you're not who you say you are and take away your crown. You absolutely have to be adored by everybody all the time. This lust for adoration is often your downfall because you are very easily flattered and believe every word. You fail to notice that while you are blissing out, others are usurping your powers. You can't hear the plotting behind the ones who are adoring you, so you can be very easily manipulated.

You expect the world to revolve around you and plunge into a sulk if it doesn't. You are never, ever wrong and you have people who have been trained to keep it looking that way. Your number one sin is pride. Leos do not fight. They have an army for that kind of thing. Right is always on your side, so any fights you get into are always unprovoked.

Leo sex is about performance and applause. To you, intimate passion is not necessarily just you and your partner. Mirrors and a satellite uplink are basic requirements. The bigger the audience, the better. You focus on style and posturing so much that you fail to notice your partner has gone to sleep. You would be better off with a harem.

You don't do relationships well. You instead have a group of alliances or worshipers. You are a condescending snob. You ally yourself with people that make you look good. If people displease you, you drop them without an explanation. In any romance, you initiate the game. It is conducted at your command.

In work, you're the boss, or at least you have to appear to be. You don't work well unless you're in charge. You may appear to be a workaholic, but really you are only good at face time; you can be titanically lazy.

 

Darkside Virgo - - Black Comedy.

Virgo is a peevish, hypercritical anal-retentive, with an obsession for sterile perfectionism and a pedantic fetish for detail. Virgos are famous for telling it like it is. You are just as laceratingly tough on yourself as you are on the rest of the world, only on the inside where no one sees it. You are a negative, tiny-hearted fusspot obsessed with detail, who does nothing but carp and criticize. You secretly fear that you might be wrong, but won't admit it. You despise the weak. Your first impressions are cast in stone. You're a sucker for cults, faux gurus and food fads. You are a stickler for order and will not tolerate anything out of place, either at your own house or at another's.

In love you are either a high-maintenance tease or a bunny-boiler. Sex is by the book and overanalyzed afterwards. You never dump a lover. You always want to talk about it, to point out the faults of the other. No one can live up to your fusspot perfectionism, not even you.

You love work and are the perfect lackey. Bosses like you because you'll come in at a moment's notice. It's not the money, it's the status and respect you crave. And if you don't feel valued, you avenge yourself with spite, sarcasm, bitchery, backbiting, gossipmongering, petty politicking and snitching.

 

Darkside Libra - - Black Comedy.

You are vain, shallow and petulant. You are a spendthrift with an unerring eye for style over substance and a lifelong dedication to the quest for an easy meal ticket. You are superficial and shrewd, made of vanity, fickleness, idleness, extremes, follies, whims and inconsistencies. Underneath your vacant smile, you are an antsy malcontent, restlessly searching for satiation. When stuff doesn't satisfy your need, you turn to people. You simply can't help using people and they fall over themselves to let you. Underneath the ditzy surface is a double entry bookkeeper. You have a column for favors out and one for favors in. The books are balanced daily and you are quick to collect debt from those who owe you. You're not the sweet, helpless little cupcake you want everyone to think you are. You love the feeling of power. You're the zodiac's drag queen, a masculine sign that outclasses its inner girlie when it comes to frocking up and what were once known as feminine wiles.

You can not make a decision. You play for time, gathering data, in the hopes that rather than having to make a decision or choice, you can end up with both options. Librans don't fight. They might rip up their Armani. The tend to stand back and hold the coats. You are never sure which side it is to your advantage to be on, so you always wait to see who's won.

In sex, you are easy and teasy. You flatter and flirt, fondle and kiss, and make boudoir eyes at your prey; but you don't do unbridled lust because that would make you sweaty and out of control. You do sex because it's better than working, not because you can't help yourself.

If you find yourself with someone not suitable, you simply make them over. You are always with the one you love, because the love of your life is you. You are your own soulmate. You are in love with the power of love and what it can get you. You do great with marriages of convenience.

Your style of work is one that doesn't actually involve working. Your work tools of choice are lethal charm, power flirting and high caliber manipulation. You often get other people to foot the bill.

 

Darkside Scorpio - - Black Comedy.

Scorpio is an obsessive, possessive manipulator with an unquenchable lust for power and a penchant for degradation. Scorpios are power-crazed, brooding, obsessional, ruthless, intense, sexy sadists. The scorpio darkside is darker than the rest, almost out of the dark into a whole other dimension, a kind of soul-sucking meta-dark, where suddenly the words "evil" and "mastermind" seem inadequate. There is no sin, depravity, perversion, cruelty, degradation or villainy they wouldn't consider. You may never carry out your desires because you are a control supremo and find that it's sometimes even more exquisite and refined to deny yourself than to indulge. You are analytical and calculating. You have never been known to apologize for anything, since it would make you look weak; nor do you grant second chances. If people let you down, they're nonpersons and are completely shunned. If it wasn't for your self-destructive streak and obsession with sex, the rest of us would be in trouble because you will stop at nothing to get what you want. You can always be distracted by lust. Your deadly sin is your lust: lust for power, lust for money, lust for status, lust for revenge, lust for other bodies, lust for your own.

In sex, there is nothing you won't try. You love sex-lots of it, at any time, anywhere: straight, deviant, and downright weird, because you know that sex is power. Sex with you is intense, passionate and erotic. But, it's the sex you love, not the one you're with. Of course, while you are often almost blind with lust, you are always in control in any relationship, and sex is on your terms. You might want serial one night stands. You might want intense, constant, obsessional sex with a single lust-slave. You might even want to show how in control you are and give up sex altogether for a life of celibacy. Regardless, the choice is always yours, never the partner's.

You are well aware of the difference between love and sex (which is why you make really hot sex-workers and bonk-buddies), but you don't care if others aren't. The world is littered with Scorpio discards (usually Pisceans) who believed that a 12-hour lustfest meant it was time to start choosing drapes.

Most people are scared of you. They just do what you say. You are not a natural socializer. You have lots of acquaintances but only a few close friends, whom you have chosen because they are loyal and noncompetitive. You never forget and forgive. You can have a long-term relationship, but are jealous and possessive and always read secret diaries. You must be the dominant partner.

In work, you are a raging competitor. You do your job, keep your ears open and your eyes down, pick up all the contacts, techniques, and inside info you need, then go off and set up your own empire. Once you've trashed the opposition, you get bored and move on to something else. Your favorite color is black. Your home is often sparse of furnishings and extremely tidy.

 

Darkside Sagittarius - - Black Comedy.

Darkside Sagittarius:

You are reckless, tactless and an obnoxious oaf with a morbid fear of restraint and an addiction to losing your shirt. You are brash, crass, loudmouthed and impetuous, but not stupid. You know that if you look remorseful enough, odds are you'll get away with any kind of naughtiness. You are a mindless hooligan and game for anything risky, violent and pointless. No one keeps you on a tight rein, or any rein at all. You crash your way through any barriers. You run from commitments. You tell it like it is without waiting to be asked. You can't keep secrets. You're not here to live only once; you live twice and then some. Whatever you do, you take it to the limit and push it over the edge. Gambling is your biggest vice. You love to fight, preferably within a large crowd. Sometimes you don't even care how or why it started as long as you're in the middle of it. You're a loose cannon.

Your sex life is rigorous, adventurous, energetic and enthusiastic. You love sex and exert so much overzealous passion that you often leave your partners spent and breathless. You want your partner to feel loved during sex so you make kind sentiments of love to them but rarely follow through with it after the sex is over. You want to have sexual adventures with as many people as possible. You can not be tethered. You don't do well with routine and boredom, so you bolt, usually in the middle of the night.

In social gatherings, you are the relentless life of the party. Careless and indiscriminate, you will relate to anybody, but not for long, just in case they try to tie you down. You have affairs because you can't resist adventures.

You're not lazy at work. You tend to get bored easily so typically run three or four jobs at once. If stuck in an office, you will play pranks out of boredom. You tend to be a risk to employers because of your hyperactivity. You often crash at a friend's house because you either don't have a home of your own or don't really care to go there. Home to you is wherever you throw your hat. You never stay anywhere for long.

 

Darkside Capricorn - - Black Comedy.

You are a cold, cruel, petty minded slave driver with unsuspected yet unquenchable ambition and an addiction to tightfisted penny-pinching. You are mean, miserly, cold-hearted, self-opinionated, petty, negative, unforgiving and pessimistic. You seem ultra-respectable and old-at-heart on the outside while claiming to be insecure. You have the stamina and relentlessness to push people until they give in and follow your way. You hate to be teased, embarrassed or made to look undignified. You'd do absolutely anything to preserve your social status. You'd also prefer to keep your ruthless, pathological ambition under wraps.

The formal, conventional pinstripes and stiff manner are all a front to cover your mischievous lechery and anarchic goings-on. It's possible you make deals with the devil. You are extremely strong-willed, stern and stifling. You're like a machine. Your goal in life is to maintain order, propriety and respectability.

You avoid direct physical violence, preferring purges and show trials instead. You crack down hard on deviant thought, and action taken in defense of the status quo is always justified.

Your sex life is mundane and repetitive. Your typical sex session is just that...typical. It's rare for you to venture out beyond your boundaries and constraints. In fact you'd prefer to be doing other far more important things; however, every once in a while, the inner goat can be glimpsed. You have a notoriously unquenchable lust and randiness that you keep repressed. You don't dump in a relationship, unless you've been betrayed, in which your never-ending revenge is terrible. Most of the time, the object of your affection never knows they've caught your eye. You despise flirting and never say the L-word unless you have to.

You are not a party-goer. You don't waste time on having fun. You've given up on friends because they don't appreciate your help. You do understand the need for a social ladder. Since you crave status and respectability, you will cultivate useful acquaintances, even shady characters that shouldn't be trusted or liked. You approve of marriage because it is financially sensible. What's love got to do with it?

You impress your boss by arriving early and leaving late. Others in the office make fun of you, but you get back at them by trampling over them, using their ideas and making yourself look better to the people in charge. Your goal at work is power, not glory. You want to be the decision maker and executive so you can make the office miserable for the people who laughed at you. Your home is only open to business contacts. Friends are not invited and are only allowed inside if they are respectable looking.

 

Darkside Aquarius - - Black Comedy.

You are a chilly, detached, eccentric loner, with perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in your heart. You're aloof, arrogant, distant and offbeat. You are insulated in your own world and don't feel the consequences of your words or actions. You observe everyone else and never react spontaneously to any experience. Whatever you're doing, the inner you is busy making observations and taking notes. You don't do routine or reliable. You want to be needed but won't ever admit you need someone.

You are cranky and surly when it would me more productive to be charming and cooperative. You are cold and standoffish to your family, and kind and forgiving to your drinking buddies because they make you feel superior. You signal your contrariness by dressing in eccentric clothes to ensure that we all recognize your fascinating otherness.

You get out of doing all the dull stuff by acting too absentminded, intellectual and otherworldly. People believe you are irresistible and don't mind doing things for you. You pretend you have important work to do and can't be bothered. You are the king of one-liners and vicious sarcasm. You do not do violence or physical contact, preferring to set phasers on stun from an accurately computed distance. You always go for mind games instead of war games.

You come across as an icon of cool, too glamorously ironic to be contaminated by the despicable neediness of the rest of the zodiac. Every time you get near a spontaneous outburst, you activate the defensive shields, so you can look on untouched while others tear themselves apart. It's logical, but also sterile and emotionless. You have never had emotionally unprotected sex or been swept away by lust. This means you are always in control, which is good, but it also means you can get bored and fidgety. You are unlikely to have a long-term partner. You despise clingy dependents just as much as you loathe jealous control freaks.

In social settings, you seem to always be in the center commanding attention by talking about cool stuff you want everyone to think you know all about. People think you are friendly because you hang around with so many groups, but in reality, that is because you need a large enough statistical sample to make your data collection viable. You are bored by any individual's feelings and sometimes duck out of the party, not because you like your privacy but because you are taking a moment to write up your field notes on your observations. Weak people drain you, so you occasionally need to get away to recharge.

At work, you can figure out the operating system of any job in about 10 seconds. You're never on time, customize your uniform and hate being overseen. Bosses hate you because they know you could do their job in your sleep. Colleagues are awed by your insolent independence, but get upset when they come across the notebook listing all their quirks, catchphrases and secrets they told you in confidence because you seemed so nice and friendly.

Your home is a virtual reality, complete with books, papers, posters, computer peripherals, gadgets, experiments, chalkboard and a cat (cats love you.

 

Darkside Pisces - - Black Comedy.

Pisces is a slippery, manipulative, unreliable reality-dodger with delusions of adequacy and an addiction to sentimentality and self-destruction. You have candy-colored dreams in which you are the hero/heroine who saves the day, asking nothing but everlasting gratitude and unconditional love in return. You want to make it all better for the sad and inadequate. But, deep down, your vicarious wallowing gets in the way of your what you think you want to do and who you want to help. If by chance you do manage to get anyone back on their feet and they start succeeding at life, you get insanely jealous and start pricking their self-esteem.

Your natural habitat is murky emotional depths, where you drift about vaguely, moaning about the intolerable pressure the world puts you under. Because you have the willpower of a marshmallow, whenever you feel cosmically hard done by, you climb into a bottle or book a vacation in Fantasia. You appear to be helpless and put upon, but you're not. You know the manipulative value of martyrdom and suicide threats.

Anyone who has to deal with you should always carry a tape recorder, for anything mutually agreed two minutes ago, you will deny utterly two minutes later. You set out on a sentence full of optimism and jollity; by the time you get to the end of the sentence, you are one with Eeyore and everyone else has lost the will to live. What you want now is never what you will want in one minute, or what you did want three minutes ago. You have no persistence of vision. You will occasionally have a red flash of ambition, but unfocused is more your style.

Pisces have no armor and can't risk a straightforward fight, so you rely on manipulation and the tyranny of the weak instead.

In the bedroom, you love for someone to take charge. You want to be played with and used. You enjoy role playing. It's not for the sex (although you quite like sex and 90 seconds is plenty long enough for your attention span). You do it to stop being yourself and dissolve into someone else and to abase yourself and make someone else responsible for you. You are tooth-achingly sentimental. Lovers shrink before the collection of 2,000 cuddly toys in your bedroom and go red in the face at the thought of the pet names you give them. You always confuse sex with love and affection, (which is why Scorpio always fools you.)

If things are the least bit difficult in a relationship, if you feel pressured, or if a better offer comes by, you simply drift off. You never feel guilty because it's always someone else's fault.

Quantity is the only thing that will absorb all the neediness you pump out, and that will generate enough energy to replace all that you absorb, so you swim around with a huge school of acquaintances. Because you have a nano-attention span, and can't be bothered to do any work on existing relationships, you are always looking for a New Best Friend. You target the sick, ugly, outcast, or psychologically damaged because you think they will be grateful and fulfill some of your many needs. At the same time, you need a hero to feed off of, who will let you be a doormat so that you can get yourself off the boring hook of personal responsibility.

Brightsiders claim you're a romantic, but you're just a sentimental drifter. You float in and out of relationships without a second thought, pulled by the strongest current.

In work, you are typically labeled as creative, but that's just a fancy description for unemployable. You tend to drift at work. You may stare blankly at a wall for hours, waiting for inspiration, or close your eyes to await the muse. Your lack of energy and coordination, and a pig-headed adolescent determination to buck the system, don't help. When you are not praised extravagantly for the work you have done, you feel hard done by, sulk, bitch, and go to the bar for the rest of the day or week. Yet you are ambitious and want to get on, as long as it does not involve doing anything.

 

hey! i thought the thread title was Astrology fun.

this is more like Astrology torture!

 

Well there were tons of fun stuff earlier. I don't think it's all that terrible... it just points out our faults. Since I'm a Scorpio than that means I'm "an obsessive, possessive manipulator with an unquenchable lust for power and a penchant for degradation." Mwahahaha!!! o_o;;

 

Strangely the Pisces one described well lol.....im kinda worried about the Leo one though...

 

It is a kind of Black Comdy lol i warned pople that who is senstive should not read it, wish you see what they wrote about Aries - Laughed a lot. In the beginning was little shocked but later was fun. lol

Disclaimer: Taken from the book: Darkside Zodiac.

Sorry if it irritates some.

 

ha ha ha ha

Dear Pisces

It is only extreem exageration of that book: Disclaimer: Taken from the book Darkside Zodiac.

Do not be un-fair to the Leo - it is not his fault :lol:

 

ha ha ha ha

Thanks for the help dear Scorpio.

Look what the book says about me - Aries:

"greedy, aggressive, argumentative, restless, willful, confrontational, headstrong and self-obsessed."

"At home, you are obsessed with gadgets and see no reason to tidy up. You are a junkyard transitional. You never knowingly finish a renovation job."
^^---------- which is right by the way :&
Not to mention, that i'm pain in the Ass and no one wants to be my friend.


It is actually funny, and yes as you said it exagerates the negative points, so maybe we take care about it.

Thanks Again

 

Actually looking at the positive side: We can always borrow some of the sentences to nag someone. How about that ?? ...........

 

Alright - Added " - - Black Comedy." in front of each Sign.

 

no. it's okay. only a joke.

 

I know sweet Carrot, just for the others.

 

They were talking about Cusps, this where you think you are on the edge in-between two signs lol, found some funny remarks, kind of maybe Gray comedy.

Here are The Cusp dates as found in most sites:

April 19 - April 23...................Aries/Taurus
May 19 - May 23...................Taurus/Gemini
June 19 - June 23..................Gemini/Cancer
July 19 - July 23...................Cancer/Leo
August 19 - August 23............Leo/Virgo
September 19 - September 23..Virgo/Libra
October 19 - October 23.........Libra/Scorpio
November 19 - November 23....Scorpio/Sagittarius
December 19 - December 23....Sagittarius/Capricorn
January 19 - January 23.........Capricorn/Aquarius
February 19 - February 23......Aquarius/Pisces
March 19 - March 23..............Pisces/Aries

From: http://www.mountainastrologer.com/h...lcreatures.html

The Aries/Taurus cusp:

BULLIES - the galloping cow. The main characteristic of this cuspal creature is a one-pointed charge toward the object of its desire. The word "charge" is operative here, as this cusp rules credit cards (especially American EXPRESS), BULLIES are compatible with only themselves, and they make great bank robbers and military adventurers. Sometimes they make great cajun food. Famous BULLIES: Adolf Hitler.

The Taurus/Gemini cusp :

GEMINUS - the no-fault insurance salesperson. This fast-talking cuspoid combines the clever double-talk of Gemini with the business sense of Taurus. These curious and sometimes psychic creatures often become political pollsters. GEMINUS rules junk-mail, lunch pails, rotating TV antennas, the game Monopoly, licorice gumballs, and corporate lawyer scumballs. Famous GEMINUS: Dolly Madison.

The Gemini/Cancer cusp :

CANCIMINI - the crabby twins. I don't mean to imply that these people aren't well-integrated, but it is common to see a CANCIMINI talking to itself and taking notes. One self tends to worry about the other self. Due to their diverse attachments, they collect the strangest little colorful things but can't remember where they are. This cuspoid rules home parties, the Minneapolis/St. Paul area, and little plastic coffee stirring sticks. Famous CANCIMINI: John Dillinger.

The Cancer/Leo "fence" :

CANCEO - the regal beagle. This cusp rules Jello (all colors except green, which is ruled by Aqueesies) and all overcooked foods. CANCEO also rules Pampers and elderly house pets. Their lives are largely spent perfecting techniques of creative withdrawal, and they write books with titles like My Mother, My Castle and Subjective Opinion Reference Guide. Notable CANCEO: Inventor of the King Crab Salad.

The Leo/Virgo cusp :

LEGO - the crazed artisan. This is the cusp that inspired the Sphinx and that rules stage fright. These creatures are the emperors of the zodiac, and they maintain absolute control over their designated kingdom (no matter how small). In the panic caused by the plunge from the throne of Leo to the humility of Virgo, these poor confused souls can often be heard to say, "How can I help you (meet my needs)?" Famous LEGO: King Louis XVI of France.

The Virgo/Libra cusp :

VIRBRA - the pay scales. Virbra rules labor unions, labors of love, laboratory cleaning products, and laborious sentences like this one. It also rules the wax they put on apples to make them look shiny. These are the creatures who want perfect relationships and who write books called Romantic Perfection Despite Your Faults. Famous VIRBRA's: There aren't any.

The Libra/Scorpio zone :

LIBRIUM LEEPIO - the indecisive assassin. Yes, they have passive-explosive complexes — polite terrorists, one and all. These creatures are also the politicians of the zodiac, combining the flip-flopping of Libra with the desire for power of Scorpio. Their motto: "Don't get mad, get balanced, then get even!" LIBRIUM LEEPIO rules sedation, deflation, funeral luncheons, and practical jokes played by hairdressers. Famous LIBRIUM LEEPIO: Johnny Carson (could have had a promising career in the CIA).

The Scorpio/Sagittarius cusp :

SCORPTARIUS – the boomerang archer. What goes around comes around! This cuspal zone rules traveling diseases. Their motto is: "I've uncovered the secrets of the Universe, but damned if I'm telling!" On the other hand, some SCORPTARIANS are spies who advertise in trade journals, or write unauthorized autobiographies. This cuspoid rules airports, imports, exports, carports, carpools, cartoons, harp tunes, harpoons, balloons, paper shredders, and moldy cheddars. Famous SCORPTARIAN: Sorry, this information hasn't been cleared by military censors.

The Sagittarius/Capricorn cusp :

SAGICORNY - the flippant dictator. This cuspoid climbs the mountain of life, reaches the summit, throws both arms skyward, and shouts, "I'M ON TOP, THEREFORE I'M RIGHT!!!" Two famous SAGICORNIANS: Darth Vader and "The Human Cannonball."

The Capricorn/Aquarius cusp :

CAPRARIUS – the bringer of goats. The conventional eccentric, these cuspoids. CAPRARIUS rules things that don't belong together but are anyway. People born under this cusp often have successful careers in designing mass transit for dairy animals. They ask themselves (because no one else is interested), "How can I maintain the status quo in new, innovative, exciting ways?" Famous CAPRARIAN: George Burns.

The Aquarius/Pisces cusp :

AQUEESIES - the limp crystal. These guys are in the ozone, pure and simple. Not of Earth. Don't try to figure them out. I once knew an Aqueesies with a pet snail named Chaos. This cusp rules lost mail, confused bureaucracy, the entire New Age, selfless individualism, lost souls, and decentralized minds.

The Pisces/Aries cusp :

PRAYERIES – the shark. Picture an ostrich running around in circles with his head stuck in the ground. Their motto: "I am one with the Universe, but ME FIRST!" PRAYERIES rules holier-than-thou preachers, soggy highway flares, and root beer fizzies. This is not to be confused with LIBRARIES (Libra with Aries rising), which rules root beer soda and book stores.

No offense Cusp Signs, it is just Gray comedy, if looking for more horror about (Non-Cusp) sun signs check the Dark side of the Zodiac (Black comedy), here in this thread also.

http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=206835&page=3&pp=20
Subject 57.

 

The Myth Of Chiron​

By "Pegasus" ("Who?")

Once upon a time, Saturn got horny and his roving eye spotted a sea nymph named Philyra. Not wanting get caught by the wife, he decided to philander with Philyra while disguised as a horse. So this kinky broad got preggers and gave birth to a child that was half-horse, half-human. "Bummer," she said, "You remind me too much of that no-good father of yours who ran off and left me without so much as a child support cheque!"

So Chiron was abandoned at birth and grew up as a foster child of Apollo’s, who taught him the arts, sciences, higher wisdom and divination (like figuring out when the next TTC* bus will arrive). Having a private school education, Chiron grew up to be a relatively well-behaved centaur — except when he was carousing with his other centaur buddies, who had a reputation for being a rowdy bunch of party animals.

One day, Hercules dropped by Chiron’s cave for tea and cookies, and leaving his spear lying carelessly on the floor, Chiron tripped over it and it jabbed him in the thigh. "#^@(%*&!?!" said Chiron. "Why don’t you watch where you’re clopping!?" retorted Hercules. "Thanks a bunch, Herc, this is quite a gash!" sulked Chiron, rubbing his wounded hip, "I always knew you were a pain in the butt."

"Oh-oh..." warned Hercules, "I just remembered — I couldn’t find my nuclear warhead this morning, so I took my poisoned spearhead instead. I guess that means you’re gonna die, BUT IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!! Maybe we could tell the press you were wounded in battle. You know, circulate conflicting stories so that no one really knows what happened."

"Ain’t that just like a superhero? I’m in agony and you’re worried about PUBLICITY!!! You should be a Politician! Well, I’m not gonna die. Daddy made sure I had a lifetime warranty against any mortality threats, but he never took out any health insurance. I don’t think poisoned wounds are covered by OHIP**, especially with all the cutbacks lately."

So Chiron decided to check out the alternative health system: herbalism, shiatsu, acupuncture, aromatherapy, reiki, reflexology, kinesiology and metamorphic massage. He did primal therapy, hypnotherapy, gestalt, NLP, transcendental meditation, and Codependency-Inner-Brat Therapy. He tried colonics ("My THIGH is wounded and you wanna stick that thing WHERE?!?"), radionics, bionics, electronics, and some stuff he invented himself called Chironics. Nothing worked. He could ease the pain to make it bearable, but the wound never healed.

"I’ve learned so much," reasoned Chiron, "I should put out my own shingle. At least it will take my mind off my fate." So Chiron launched an international speaking tour (later aired on PBS***). He conducting workshops on topics like the path of the spiritual warrior ("Bloodshed Without Guilt"), divination and astrology ("Lotto Secrets of the Stars"), and the healing arts ("You Can Live Forever With Chironics!"). But Chiron became tired and weary, bored by a public that was never satisfied with what they got. "This celebrity lifestyle has got me going gaga!" lamented Chiron, "I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to retire."

Now, it just so happened that Prometheus (who had fallen out of favour with the Gods — I mean Politicians — by publishing instructions over the Internet on how to create fire) was about to be burned at the stake, in response to a national referendum on capital punishment. Chiron didn’t believe in capital punishment and wanted to save Prometheus, so he appealed to the Politicians: "Prometheus really did you guys a favour because now you can tax things like matches, candles and cigarettes..."

"Instead of killing him, why don’t you appoint him to the Senate and have him lead an inquiry? If you want to appease the public’s lust for violence — I mean vengeance — I mean justice — you can kill me. I’m tired of living and this pain is getting to be a real pain." The Politicians were touched by Chiron’s deep compassion, his unwavering selflessness, his bureaucratic savvy. So they granted his wish and Chiron died happily ever after.

The morTals of this story are:
If you carry a poisoned weapon, put a warning label on it.
If your friend is a pain in the butt, don’t expect him/her to take responsibility for it.
If you have to fight bureaucracy at City Hall, you can win only if you lose.



© 1996, 2004 Wendy Guy. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission from the Virgo-Libra 1996 issue of Transitions Astrology Magazine.



* TTC = Toronto Transit Commission, Toronto Canada.

** OHIP = Ontario Health Insurance Plan (socialised health insurance available to all Ontario residents in Canada)

*** PBS = Public Broadcast System (in the USA), which often airs lecture, educational and self-help program series.