Alright now it is Astology Fun !

Sagittarius

Your Daily Horoscope:Check your horoscope and see if it actually comes true! These are more like the kind of horoscopes an escaped raving lunatic would write in a public toilet stall at 4:00AM after getting mashed on 20 shots of absinthe

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:Change that damn lightbulb in your home sucka! I pity the fool who is present when that damn thing blows out and they are tryin' to read a book or somethin'!

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:You’ve been thinking of doing something really romantic to a table lamp for a very long time, and as they say, “There’s no better time than now”. Rubbing your genitals with cheese won’t bring out your creative side better than Vietnamese tinned pears.

Personality: Truly the long lost king of fools. You are clown shoes! You are a dimwit and are totally careless. You wouldn't know which way a lift was going if you had 2 guesses. However, you do have immense amounts of moss and poison ivy growing from your groin which comes in useful for burning if there is ever a power shortage. As a result, people throw radishes at you and tell you they love you, but behind your back they draw pictures of you naked and call you 'turnip head'.

Career: Perhaps the strangest thing about you is that you will settle for any career which involves climbing onto peoples roof-tops dressed in blue, and squawking like a parrot while pulling out all your hair and setting fire to your genitals. Due to this bizarre nature of yours, perhaps the best job for you would be something legal based like a lawyer or a solicitor as you would fit right in. Other careers which involve similar behaviour are Line Manager, Doctor and Drool Bucket.

Love: You lack genitals. This is a problem which can be easily solved by wearing a gladiator's outfit and dancing around a grassy knoll 3 times while singing Spice Girls songs. Your usual method of attraction involves slapping gloss paint on your thighs and doing the splits while blowing kisses at your potential mate. Try to stop sucking dung lollipops before going out, as this will give your mate the wrong impression and they will think you are trying to sell them computers.

 

Capricorn

Your Daily Horoscope:Try using motorcycles instead of fire extinguishers as hairpins. Glue your knickers to your forehead, insert several motorcycles into your hair and start them up whenever an alley cat challenges you to a knife fight. The resulting noise will scare them so much, they start walking backwards at 90mph and tap-dance every time they hear the name, “Emma”.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:Ain't nothin' that makes me more madder than seeing some sucka build a lifeboat from pieces of cheese collected at McDonalds! Grrrrr! Stop that at once and sort your life out, fool!

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:People who claim to be your friends may secretly be sexually attracted to you. The only way to find out would be to slap each one around the head with a fish whilst singing to them in Chinese. Nothing is more rewarding than a footstool.

Personality: You are the type of person who collects X-Files DVDs and makes your friends ears bleed by vomiting up paranoid government conspiracies about mutant chickens, goblins and elves which only exist in your mind. You are the sort of person who can often be found in underneath leaves and foliage looking for electrical cables to chew on with your steel gnome teeth, which is just the sort of thing that gives the average Capricorn a good mental fix. You have the ability to grow horns.

Career: Due to the huge amounts of steel gnome teeth you have in your mouth, your ideal career would be an 'Irritable Bridge Troll' or 'Office Troll'. This breed of creature hangs around offices and call centres, and repeatedly harasses people by screeching and demanding they either pay up the full 12 kilos of jellied shrimps or they will set fire to your underpants and drag you around the place by your eyelashes. This job role is also known as 'Office Hag'.

Love: You love to shoot hot glowing embers from your mouth when you talk. This can put people off, as they will probably think you are on fire. Your idea of looking chic is tattooing yourself with pictures of dancing seagulls in order to look sexy. This look went out years ago and has been replaced with taking baths in orange flavoured gelatine. Everyone knows that makes you look extremely horny and will easily land you a date on your next visit to the local free-range egg farm.

 

Aquarius

Your Daily Horoscope:Recently you tried to ram a pitchfork up an air-stewardesses ass. That did not work as she morphed into a flying bear and forced you to you wear a dress made from smoked kippers. Don’t underestimate that dress because when worn, you will be the height of haute couture and people will stop you in the street and say, “Please shove a JCB up my nose”.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:A good way to make a damn fool outta yo'self is to stick an expensive chicken up yo' ass and then go to a posh restaurant! Don't be a fool man!

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:There could be love in the air if you play your cards right with gibbons. They have been known to cheat using lubricants and flame-proof cotton. Try not to get too close to contraceptive devices which are made entirely from crepe paper.

Personality: Spontaneous and erratic behaviour pave the way for allsorts of possibilities here. Most Aquarians paint their chins purple in order to ward of demons and grizzly bears. You get a lot of weird looks off the public, because you love to grow shallots on your head instead of hair, and also because you like to recite the entire works of Shakespeare every time someone says the word "and" to you. Most Aquarians can be seen hanging around statues, trying to play chess with pigeons.

Career: Chin Psychic. That's the ideal career for you. A chin psychic will sniff someone's chin and analyse the pores on the skin, and then will immediately be able to tell their future and read their mind. Aquarians are often employed by the Spanish police force to help solve crimes and lower traffic congestion. Beware though, as this practise has been banned in both the UK and the USA, and anyone caught attempting to sniff a chin can face a £5000 fine plus 2 year imprisonment.

Love: Your ideal date would be to sit at a restaurant or bar (disguised as wallpaper), and emit an awful smell from your skin pores in order to impress your man and make him think you are healthy. Afterwards, you enjoy activities such as pinching his buttocks, calling him "Dirty Emma" and running away giggling. Most Aquarians love to wear a turnip based perfume. This sometimes has the occasional bad side effect as it has been known to increase a person's IQ.

 

Pisces

Your Daily Horoscope:You will be attacked by a horde of pixies who will flash their private parts at you and force you to dress up as a cat. This has its advantages, as you can go to the local park, tie a rope to yourself and swing from the top of a lamppost at unsuspecting romantic couples at midnight. Learn how to meeow the words “I love glue!”.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:That mallard that put a curse on you ain't playin' around man! If I were you I'd get a good plan together and stop wasting time talkin' jibba-jabba with yo' friends!

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:You appear to be attracting a lot of shiny bald heads who are a lot older than you. This could be due to the large number of chimps who have settled on your chin. Remember - never massage a power cable with chicken grease whilst on holiday.

Personality: You are secretive and secluded which means you will never tell anyone if you grow mushrooms out of your butt and suddenly combust into a fury of blue sparks. You are extremely sensitive to any form of custard-based eyeliner and will repeatedly say the words "I Love Bananas" for 2 years, if exposed to such products. You can often be found underneath floorboards pretending to be a termite, and will not hesitate to set off your pet mutant mosquito off on people who call you Lactose Intolerant.

Career: A Pisces, would make a great 'Creative Stain Artist'. This type of person is often employed by homeless people to paint dirt and urine stains into their jeans and jackets. A skilled creative stain artist can also paint in bruises and wounds into the homeless person's body. Just beware, that the homeless person will be paying you in turnips and not actual money. The homeless industry is the biggest in the world and is worth an annual £350 billion.

Love: Your unique and silly method of attracting a mate is simple and to the point. You wear a pumpkin on your head and run around naked. Strangely enough this seems to attract hordes of retarded tree-mutants who enjoy chasing you around, whilst throwing sardines and dog-biscuits at your head. Your ideal date would be an evening out at the local glue factory, and afterwards, the two of you go back to your place and sit on the couch, calling each other names like "Brown Stain" and "Raging Pimple Moose" all night.

 

Daily Horoscope 03/12/2006​

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.

 

Why the Signs Can't sleep​

Aries considers sleep too easy and makes a dare with themselves to stay up all night.

Taurus forgot to pick up their silk sheets at the dry cleaner.

Gemini's twin just isn't tired.

Cancer worries how everyone else is sleeping.

Leo is afraid to move around at all, fearful of what bedhead can do to their lovely mane.

Virgo keeps getting up to re-tuck the sheets and fluff the pillows.

Libra can't quite decide what to wear tomorrow.

Scorpio is doing something else entirely.

Sagittarius can't stop thinking of all the better things they could be doing other than sleeping.

Capricorn already took a strategically planned power nap.

Aquarius suffers from a chat room addiction that keeps them up until all hours.

Pisces has fitful dreams of past lives.

 

Pick-up lines by the Signs​

Aries I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

Taurus I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

Gemini Do you have any overdue library books? 'Cause you've got the word "fine" written all over.

Cancer Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the person I'm going to marry.

Leo Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Virgo Baby, you must be a broom, 'cause you just swept me off my feet.

Libra If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I'd be walking through my garden forever.

Scorpio Your place or mine?

Sagittarius Hi, I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life. Can I interview you?

Capricorn Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?

Aquarius You're hot. You must be the reason for global warming.

Pisces Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside?

 

Pizza By Signs​

Aries:
You want your pizza to go, with extra hot peppers.

Taurus:
You order one with everything on it, and then another in case you're still hungry.

Gemini:
You like half mushroom and half olives but are usually too busy chatting with the waiter or delivery person to eat it.

Cancer:
You bake your own, making the dough from scratch and using tomatoes from your garden.

Leo:
You prefer gourmet pizza from trendy Italian places, but you only eat a piece so that your stomach still looks flat in your fitted jeans.

Virgo:
You order plain cheese pizza and request extra napkins for blotting the grease.

Libra:
You order one all-meat and one all-veggie because you can't decide which one you want.

Scorpio:
You get your pizza with pineapple, anchovies and secret sauce -- and you also manage to get the delivery person's phone number.

Sagittarius:
A Brazilian or Mexican pizza that can be put into an environmentally-friendly to-go box works for you.

Capricorn:
You like any pizza that can be folded calzone-style so that you can eat while you work.

Aquarius:
Mmmmm … doesn't a wheat-free pizza with soy cheese topped with organic vegetables sound delicious?

Pisces:
You get lost on the way to the pizza shop and end up at a Thai restaurant instead.

 

Spring Cleaning Using a Sign​

ARIES: gets competitive over who's the speediest sweeper or whose rag is dustiest.

TAURUS: goes over the same spot a million times with the vacuum, refusing to bend down to pick up the offending crumb.

GEMINI: finishes their chores in half the time of everyone else.

CANCER: becomes preoccupied with your photo collection.

LEO: spends all day polishing down the mirrors.

VIRGO: SO doesn't need your help.

LIBRA: keeps saying "don't I look adorable in this apron?"

SCORPIO: makes the bed, fluffs the pillows and asks for volunteers to test it out with them.

SAGITTARIUS: doesn't like being stuck inside. Send them out for some fun on your riding lawnmower.

CAPRICORN: weighs the pros, cons and financial incentives and may decide to go with a better offer.

AQUARIUS: organizes your piles of junk into charity, recycle and compost.

PISCES: asks to do the windows and then keeps staring out into the yard.

 

Survivor by Signs​

Whether on a balmy island in the South China Sea or in the dusty Australian Outback, how do you think your Zodiac Sign would manage stranded far from civilization? Survivor's first season winner, Richard Hatch, was an Aries -- and he was infamously coldhearted, focused and self-contained. Is that what it takes to survive? The *Stars* have some ideas…

Aries

In it for: The glory of besting others, the physical challenges

Luxury item Aries takes along: Red chili paste, curry or something hot hot hot to spice up all that bland rice

Remember the whole Rat vs. Snake speech? You should really watch out for the Ram! No scheming or alliances for Aries; this turbo-charging free agent defies Tribe standards, going it alone and relying on strength and speed. May be too impatient to stay in it for the long haul.

Taurus

In it for: The money, the test of endurance

Luxury item Taurus takes along: Silky pajamas

While not the flashiest Survivor, Taurus is kind of like the earnest Tortoise that beat the Hare. Patience, calm and trustworthiness win them easy alliances. With that tried-and-true, slow-and-steady approach, Taurus has everyone beat when it comes to just waiting it out.

Gemini

In it for: Kicks

Luxury item Gemini takes along: Pocket video games

Survivalism's not really Gemini's bag. Nah, the quintessential restless native, Gemini would just be along for the opportunity to flirt with other exhibitionists, to kick butt on the mental challenges and to have some fun.

Cancer

In it for: The chance to overcome fears

Luxury item Cancer takes along: Their secret warm cuddle blankie -- shhh, don't tell ...

Cancer's like the mother of the Tribe, making everyone feel at home. Though the Crab could use its shrewd intuition to fool potential allies into its trust, a fierce loyalty keeps this Sign true blue. And Cancer hates voting people off the show -- it just seems so vindictive!

Leo

In it for: The fame

Luxury item Leo takes along: A hairbrush, which was a toss-up with a mirror

"Money, schmoney," says Leo. "Give me the spotlight!" This vain Lion gets so caught up in talking before the cameras, it may lose sight of the objective of the challenge. Sulky when rejected or dejected, Leo's generally sunny disposition and optimism boost the morale of all involved.

Virgo

In it for: A break from routine

Luxury item Virgo takes along: As many bottles of SPF 1000 sunblock as can be smuggled in

Would be good at eating rice every day for weeks but would squirm when it came time to eat anything squishy, greasy, mysterious or less-than-healthy. Though the quintessential fussy camper, Virgo may be good at systematically devising a scheme to sneak off with the prize ...

Libra

In it for: The romantic possibilities

Luxury item Libra takes along: Deodorant with anti-perspirant

Librans are prone to indecision and vacillating passions, but they're also born diplomats. They'll play a major hand in all alliances and, thanks to their charm, will be entrusted with secrets and taken into others' confidence. Their ambiguity could be their strength or their downfall!

Scorpio

In it for: The chance to use cunning and intelligence to succeed

Luxury item Scorpio takes along: A portable CD player and some sexy, trancey music for escaping the wilderness

Scorpio isn't going to let anyone in on its strategy, and all should be advised against indulging a confidence to this wily genius. Though they're certainly able to keep the secret, you can't be sure they won't use it to their advantage!

Capricorn

In it for: The personal challenge

Luxury item Capricorn takes along: If that trusty personal digital assistant is out, Capricorn insists on wearing a watch just to keep up with that (unnecessary) personal schedule

Though industrious, smart and sure-footed, Capricorn's weaknesses lie in its judgment of character and its fear of being humiliated. If the Sea Goat can get over its sense of decorum, it could outlast the competition.

Aquarius

In it for: The mental stimulation

Luxury item Aquarius takes along: Yoga mat

Known to be a social butterfly, Aquarius may seem too fluttery to be the last Survivor. Don't let those eccentricities fool you, though; super-intelligent and inventive, Aquarians could pull a MacGyver move, making vitamin-packed, energy-enhancing lemonade out of any lemons tossed their way.

Pisces

In it for: The opportunity to live in another world

Luxury item Pisces takes along: A personal journal, of course, for recording feelings, impressions and experiences

Gazing dreamily at the passing cloud formations may be a nice escape, but Pisces's wistfulness could make this Sign vulnerable. Survivor I's Greg said that sweet Pisces Colleen was like a little kitten that he'd pet, play with and then 'snap its neck' as it slept. Watch your neck, trusting Pisces, and purr for no one!

 

April Fools Day​

This April Fools' Day, play the perfect practical joke on your friends and family members!


ARIES: Challenge them to a race. Let them win, then tell them they cheated.

TAURUS: Replace their soft, silky sheets with burlap sacks.

GEMINI: Subject them to the silent treatment.

CANCER: Replace all their family photos with generic pictures you cut out of magazines.

LEO: Hide their shampoo, their hairbrush and their mirrors.

VIRGO: Disorganize their sock drawer and rearrange their CD collection.

LIBRA: Sniff them and wrinkle up your nose.

SCORPIO: Tell them you read their diary -- and boy was it juicy!

SAGITTARIUS: Tie their shoelaces together in triple knots.

CAPRICORN: Cut the power to their computer and stick up a Post-It note that reads "Out Of Order".

AQUARIUS: Mention the party you're planning, and "forget" to invite them.

PISCES: Don't bother playing an April Fools' Day joke on a Pisces; they won't even notice.

 

Thanksgiving ​

Feast on some astrological insight into the holiday eating habits of your friends and loved ones.

Aries starts eating before everyone else has been seated.

Taurus accepts only the finest pieces of white meat.

Gemini grabs both turkey wings for themselves.

Cancer spends all day slaving over a hot stove and cries when the meal is over too soon.

Leo sulks that Capricorn is at the head of the table.

Virgo will only accept a minimum helping of the meal.

Libra does their best to make sure everyone gets equal portions.

Scorpio puts extra garlic in the mashed potatoes.

Sagittarius goes camping for the long weekend.

Capricorn sits at the head of the table.

Aquarius makes a meal entirely out of soy products.

Pisces wants to be one with the turkey.

 

A Day Off​

Aries
Fiery Aries is full of combustible energy that has to be burned off, no matter what! Extremes are what the Ram is all about, so a typical day off might include a leisurely two-hour hike up Mount Everest followed by a jet plane to Manhattan for a night of dancing and revelry in all the hottest night clubs.

Taurus
A day off for steady, sensual Taurus can mean only one thing -- food consumption and maintaining a horizontal position. Whether that means floating lazily on a raft in a pool with soda and chips within easy reach or cozying up in bed with either a great novel and a bowl of rocky road ice cream or their sweetheart and a bowl of whipped cream, the Bull loves to indulge in all the creature comforts!

Gemini
Where can you find a Gemini on their day off? Online. They've got at least six browsers open at once: They're reading The New York Times and The Onion while holding the stage in four chat rooms where they're busy discussing -- and arguing about -- everything from Puff Daddy's latest name-change to pomeranians to world peace.

Cancer
On their day off, Cancer likes to just stay home. Sound dull? Not to the Crab! Homebodies that they are, they're in the kitchen baking pies and marinating those chicken legs for the barbecue they're planning. Better get lots of food -- Cancer has probably invited the whole family, including aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, pets, step-pets ...

Leo
Leo the Lion likes to take their family or their sweetheart to a play on their day off. The tickets are generous Leo's treat, and they're bound to be good seats -- it's nothing but front row, center for this Lion. Don't be surprised if you glance over in the middle of the play and catch dramatic Leo mouthing the lead actor's lines!

Virgo
Industrious Virgo might just use their day off to get a bit of extra cleaning done. There's nothing like the feeling of standing in the middle of a freshly scrubbed kitchen, floors gleaming and smelling of pine, the spices in alphabetical order in their rack and all the coffee mugs hanging on brand new hooks, arranged according to the colors of the rainbow.

Libra
Lovely Libra has been to the museum a million times; for something new on their day off they'll hit an art opening at a trendy new gallery downtown. Libra loves to munch on crudites and sip a glass of champagne while perusing the paintings -- and so much the better if they happen to 'accidentally' bump into an attractive stranger and strike up a conversation about the artwork!

Scorpio
Scorpio takes a day off in style by first hitting all the trendiest boutiques, shopping for that special something that will make their outfit complete. Then they'll dress to the nines -- feather boa, knee-high leather boots and snakeskin anything are all a possibility -- and spend the evening out club-hopping, attracting everyone around like a magnet.

Sagittarius
High-stepping Sagittarius wants to step out on their day off. A day-trip anywhere will satisfy their urge to roam -- temporarily, anyway. In the morning they'll pack up some sandwiches and some fruit, and then, whether by plane, train, automobile or mountain bike, they'll be hitting those trails, looking for adventure.

Capricorn
How does Capricorn spend their day off? Well, they spend it at the office, of course. At least, part of their day off; they just have to get ahead on those reports due late next year ... But, with the right approach, the Sea Goat can be convinced to get out and have a little fun -- just ask them out and assure them it's your treat.

Aquarius
Aquarius spends their day off in their workshop, perfecting that model they've been building -- or engine, or CPU, or whatever mechanical or technological wonder they've been tinkering with lately. If they finish the project, well, then it's off to the hobby shop or electronics store for more supplies to start the next thing.

Pisces
Dreamy Pisces spends their day off out in the yard sipping iced tea with mint sprigs under the lemon tree, appreciating the tangy citrus scent in the air and the soft buzzing of the bees that hover over the flowers, while composing a poem about the strangely scary yet compelling dream they had the night before ...

 

Trick or Treating by Signs
Halloween habits, both ghoulish and ghastly ...

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

 

Valentine's Day​

Does February 14 fill you with feelings of cheer or fear? Each Sun Sign has a different way of responding to this romantic holiday. Find out how your Sign handles this much-anticipated day of flowery poems, chocolate hearts and red roses.

Aries: You're determined to receive the most cards, candy and flowers. Who says sending roses to yourself doesn't count?

Taurus: A bouquet of dandelions, dime store chocolates and dinner at a fast food restaurant? Relax, it was just a bad dream!

Gemini: You make two dates for the night -- and then backup plans with your friends in case you decide to flake on your original plans.

Cancer: Ooh, there's nothing like candy heart art and lace doilies to get you going! Martha Stewart's got nothing on you.

Leo: You are displeased by the single red rose some admirer left on your windshield. Clearly you are worth at least a dozen!

Virgo: You refuse to share the box of chocolates you receive -- what if someone fingers them? What if someone sneezes on your roses?

Libra: You send valentines to everyone you know: your hairdresser, your fourth grade teacher, your manicurist, your manicurist's cousin … You don't want anyone to feel left out.

Scorpio: Why go out for a fancy dinner when you already have dessert waiting at home? Who knew that a Cupid costume could be so sexy?

Sagittarius: You can't commit to sending a card -- what if the recipient reads too much into it? You fake temporary amnesia to avoid acknowledging the holiday.

Capricorn: Lacy hearts and syrupy sentiments make you sneeze -- besides, nothing says love like a new electronic organizer!

Aquarius: Manufactured holidays aren't your cup of decaffeinated herbal tea, but consuming a few vegan chocolates doesn't make you a conformist, does it?

Pisces: You live for this stuff! The world would be such a better place if we could all just hold hands and share heart-shaped cookies every day.

 

Thiwan Horoscope​

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) - This month will be a tough one for you and your romantic partner - keep on the lookout for disagreements. As usual it will be your partners fault, and make sure he/she doesn't forget it!

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) - This month you may find yourself feeling 'out of sorts' or in an unusual mood or frame of mind. It is strongly recommended that you keep close watch on those that provide you with regular meals - it is quite likely that they are adding a little extra something chemically.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) - Work on your listening skills this month. Failing that, buy a hearing aid or ask everyone to speak up.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) - Creativity is high for you this month, Leo, and it is time to break out the beret and grow that little goatee you've wanted for so long. Seek out opportunities to express your new verve for life, and ask all your friends to pose nude for you.

VIRGO (August 32 to September 22) - May will be a good month for introspection and reflecting on where you are in life. Take time out to consider how you've progressed in your life and consider the opportunities available to you in the future. Be sure to remove all sharp objects, sleeping pills and rope before beginning.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) - Be bold this month! Assert yourself and your authority - don't take no for an answer, ever. Be sure your friends and colleagues know who is in charge, and don't be afraid to smack them around a little.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) - Thinking 'I just can't do it' will be a problem for you this month. In fact, thinking will be a problem for you this month - but then what else is new.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) - You will not find it easy to assert yourself or provide leadership for others this month. Not to worry, just find the nearest Libra and get down on your knees.

CAPRICORN (January 19 to December 22) - Keep a close eye on your finances this month. Someone close to you seems to be ripping you off or stealing from you - so you might want to consider investing in bugging devices and secret cameras. To cover losses you can sell whatever you record on the toilet camera.

AQUARIUS (February 18 to January 20) - Your money situation is improving, Aquarius, largely because you are bilking money from some hapless Capricorn. Don't worry, they won't catch on - how would they know what you are up to?

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) - Be sure to look at things from other's perspectives and try to put yourself in their shoes. You will find that flat soled slippers and sneakers are the most comfortable, but that high heels really get your blood pumping.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) - You will have trouble setting priorities this month, making life hard for you and those around you. You will come across as spineless and mealy-mouthed, but that's ok - you are going to win the lottery this month, and then let's see who's the top dog around here! It will be hilarious watching your friends and relatives wait on you hand and foot and prospective romances appear left and right. Driving your new sports car off a cliff will put a damper on your newfound good fortune, however.

 

DarkSide Horoscpes - Do not Read if Sensetive.​

Darkside Aries - Black Comedy.

Disclaimer: Taken from the book Darkside Zodiac.

Aries is a loud, overconfident, aggressive thug with way too many Y chromosomes and a will of titanium and granite. You are all about "me-time" and don't really care how anyone goes about giving it to you. You're greedy, aggressive, argumentative, restless, willful, confrontational, headstrong and self-obsessed. You are the zodiac's permanently enraged adolescent. You have a "problem with authority." You are not subtle. No one will ever find you sitting quietly brooding or pondering. You blunder through the world, looking for new frontiers to smash. Nobody tells an Aries what to do. You have never willingly finished anything in your life. You're just one big booster rocket, all fired up for blastoff, and falling away as soon as your boredom threshold is reached. Some of you can't even get to the end of a sentence before moving on.

Pathologically, addictively competitive, you have to come first in everything and you will do anything to win, as your concept of fair play means that you triumph. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you don't sneak around. You just open your mouth and blast away. Aries is typically a bloodlusty, violent braggart. You don't tolerate opposition or even a mild difference of opinion.

Sex is just another extreme sport as far as you are concerned. You don't like to waste time. Foreplay is for wimps. You are strictly a notches-on-the-bedpost kind of person. You always need to be told that you are the first and best lover you're partner's ever had. Your affairs burn with a gemlike flame for several days, during which time you are extravagantly possessive and jealous every time your prey steps out for a comfort break. Lust does not quench your competitive spirt. You have to do it harder, faster, longer and quicker than anybody else.

In love and relationships, once you get the prize, you wander off to find a new challenge. You have very few friends because people refuse to do everything you say, admire your every action and not criticize anything you do. You have to be in control at any social event, even when you're a guest. You insist on running your friends' and family's lives for them. Plus, you get ragingly jealous if any of your friends demonstrates the slightest ability to do anything better than you. If that occurs, you are forced to cut them loose and acquire new friends. You fall in love hard and often, but out of love just as frequently.

In work, you have to run the show. You think you know better than anyone else how to do the job. You are hired for your energy, direction and drive; however, you come in, shout with confidence, act aggressively, meanwhile alienating the workforce and tearing down old systems. You don't put in anything new in place, though. Brash, crass, and insensitive, you are a nightmare to work with because you never listen, are morbidly competitive, throw hissy fits and you can't stand being told what to do. If for some reason you do get fired, you go on a rampage of revenge.

At home, you are obsessed with gadgets and see no reason to tidy up. You are a junkyard transitional. You never knowingly finish a renovation job. The color that suits you best is red.

 

Darkside Taurus

Taurus:- Black Comedy.


A stubborn, sybaritic, rut-bound bully, fueled by dull resentment and an insatiable love of money. A taurus is a hidebound, reactionary Ubermaterialist, superglued into a rut several feet deep. You are obstinate and an opinionated authoritarian. What you really like is stuff: in your mouth, on your plate, in your bank, in your bed, in the bag. You stubbornly refuse to accept the folk wisdom that tells us we can't always get what we want. And when you've got stuff, you hold on to it with a grip that it would be laughable to describe as viselike. Possessive seems too weak a word. And the evil spawn of possessiveness is murderous jealousy and resentment. You are possessive, jealous and resentful of the people in your life too. You timetable their every hour and always want to know where they are.

Your pig-headed obstinancy, obdurate opinions, and refusal to change are a result of a lack of imagination. Your little bully brain can't compute more than two variables at once, so when faced with something complex or unusual, you go rigid and do what you have always done. Often that is nothing, so you tend to get buried alive by avalanches you refuse to notice. What softens your tough hide is your self-indulgent hedonism. Your favorite deadly sin is greed.

Taureans don't get much hassle; standing still, looking solid, usually does it for you. You can only be prodded into action if your food or money supply is threatened.

In bed, once you've learned how to make the earth move, you just keep on singing the same old song. It gives a whole new meaning to the word "rutting." Lovers have suffocated from boredom in your bed. You resent any attempt to bring a little novelty or spontaneity into the routine. Show you a Kama Sutra and you'd try to eat it. When you've got someone, you hang on to them. Even if your lover tries all 50 ways to leave, you still follow them around bellowing piteously. This is called stalking.

You usually stand alone. You have friends, but they are the those whom you meet in the same place, the same time, on the same day of every month. Everybody always does what you want to do; you think this is because they agree with your choice. In fact they are being pragmatic; they just know your olympic obduracy. In marriage, you make it very clear that it's going to be your way or nothing.

In work, you have always steered clear of anything marked vocation or social conscience, because the only thing you care about is the paycheck. This means you will do more or less anything, as long as you don't have to respond to emergencies or get too sweaty. Colleagues soon learn not to walk on your patch of carpet, never to rearrange the ornaments on your desk, and never ever to use your special mug. They also learn not to ask you for a decision unless they have a month hidden in the job schedule.

On vacations, you tend to go to the same places you've always went. You are addicted to guided tours.

 

Darkside Gemini - - Black Comedy.


Gemini is an unreliable, rouguish sociopath with a light finger and the attention span of a hyperactive mayfly. You have a facade of sincerity; underneath that layer is a cold-eyed, cold-hearted, bad-mouthing, two-faced, reckless rumormonger who scavenges information to use to shaft someone later. There is no cunning so low you can't limbo under it; no scam so complex that you can't get your devious, slippery mind around it. Con artistry is a game to you. Yet in spite of all your conning and conniving, you are never satisfied with what you get, are you? To block out gloomy notions that you might be missing out on something better, you have to be entertained at all times, otherwise you might get bored. Ritalin is your friend.

You are in a permanent midlife crisis of your own making: a discontented self-obsessed commitment-phobe who refuses to grow up. You are irresponsible, inconsistent, impractical, immature and incorringible. You are the zodiac's bitch queen. You deliver lightning rapier zigzags with sparkling wit and style. You tend to prefer the long knife slid between the ribs to noisy confrontation in which you might get hurt. You move so fast that you leave enemies lashing out at your shadow.

As your gonads are wired to your head, not your heart, you love sex because it's a game you're really good at. You must never be bored in bed. A lot of your sex takes place in unusual places or situations. You always like a nice old-fashioned orgy, because when dullness rears its head, you just move right over. The best sex for you when pleasuring one lover while flirting with the next two over their shoulder. You blarney your way into the hearts of many and then move on. You don't dump though; you prefer to keep your options always open. Your relationships are about quantity not quality. You were born to network and can't live without a swarm of lovers. You are a professional flirt. Your idea of commitment is restricting yourself to three or four concurrent partners.

Your native instinct to deceive and dissemble means that you survive well in the workplace. You clamber up the ladder easily with your charm. Your weapons of choice are gossip and blackmail. You expend a lot of energy arranging things so that you can get maximum reward for minimum effort.

 

Darkside Cancer - - Black Comedy.

Cancer is a grumpy, secretive, passive-aggressive grudge hoarder, with bipolar mood swings and a positive genius for pointless worrying. You are grumpy, moody, wingy, snappy, graceless, gloomy, grudge-encrusted, devious and fretful. You distrust life and have no faith in the future. To build immunity against fate's random cruelty, you look for homeopathic doses of gloom wherever you scuttle. You well up over anything lonely and hopeless. You love to whine about everything and everyone and are shameless addicted to other's misfortune.

You remember everything nasty anybody ever said about you. You never give away your own emotional secrets. People think you are shy and diffident and you work hard to promote that illusion, but in reality, you are afraid people might use your secrets against you. You don't do confrontation; sniping and preemptive defense are your preferred attack modes. Only a very lost cause or a slight to a family member's honor will get a Cancer to fight.

You can only really relate to someone if you feel needed. You can make lovers and friends feel permanently guilty without them ever knowing why. What you like best is attaching yourself to someone who has made it clear that they are unavailable long-term and then pining when they leave you. Crabs of all genders suffer from the Mistress Syndrome. You play hard to get with sex. Your lovers are blinded by lust so they keep trying to get through your impenetrable barrier. You know that deferred gratification is the key to keeping people hanging on. When you do finally let someone have their way with you, you lay in a frenzy of passion-slaying worry...will the bed creak? Will I still love you tomorrow? Have I put the cat out? You never give up on ex-lovers. You also never dump in a relationship. You make yourself even grumpier, moodier and more depressed than usual so that they want to leave you. Ex-lovers have to emigrate, marry someone else and die before you will accept that it is over.

Bosses like you because you work hard. You work harder and longer than anyone else because then you can feel hard done by and can bewail your sorry lot in life. You also like a job for which you are overqualified so that you can feel superior and tell everybody else what to do.

Your home is full of stuff. You keep everything. Clutter is your forte'. You often share your home with the destitute, misfits and refugees, not because you particularly care for them, but because you simply don't notice them hanging around amidst all your stuff.