Almost busted, and near enough fell of a tree into water.

lmao.. you live in a 5 story Victorian house and you cant find a place to smoke..... go smoke behind some bushes in your backyard. that or go into a room you never use like an attic. if nothing else just roll a joint and sit in your backyard... also id stay away from that crack den. your just askin to get stuck by a crack addict or on a dirty needle lyin around.
last time i checked normal beat cops don't carry guns around in the uk... do they carry tasers?

 

no they dont carry guns but my local are (lots of stabbing and the occasional shooting) has a new zero tolerance approach to law enfocing so lots of bobbys and there real assholes. the zero tolerance has just pushed all the crime to the edges of the zero tolerance zone so it is just retardly pointless.

 

try a spoof (might work, but i've never tried one) to cut the smell or find a nice bridge that nobody hangs out at (might actually be worse if the po check there though). I can't think of a way to solve your problem, because I live in the boonies and I could walk down the street with a fat joint and not get caught.