Age gap

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Spuff, May 27, 2004.

  1. Spuff

    Spuff Where's my ciggies?

    Well, I've been going out with a girl for a couple of months now. She's 15 and I'm 20. We're not actually having sex because I respect the fact that she's 15 (in the UK, the age of consent is 16) but the whole sex thing aside, is the age gap still OK, you think? We do get along well and have no problems at all and I think that's what matters. I like to think I respect people's feelings ... over my own, in most cases.
     
  2. NightOwl1331

    NightOwl1331 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Age gaps don't seem to matter until you start thinking about serious relationships and having a future together. Then there are a million issues that come up when there is an age gap like that. People change a lot going from teenager to adult. I don't see any moral problem with that age gap, but I'd bet it will create problems if you stay together in the long term. When you are say 30 and 35 it wouldn't seem like such a difference, but at the point you're at it is because she still is not an adult and you being 20 are probably still finding yourself and figuring out what you want to do with your life. You will both probably change a lot in the next few years. And you may decide you want very different things in life. Think back to when you were 15, did you feel like you were an adult? Do you feel like you've learned a lot and changed a lot since then? I'm 22 and I can look back and see how much I've grown and changed even since I was 20. So, the only advice I can give is if you want to stay with her and be serious with then give it a try, but realize that you both have a lot of growing up to do and a lot of changes to go through.
     
  3. kier

    kier I R Baboon

    i'm mainly with nightowl....you have to understand and realise that you will both change, especialy her as you are further into adulthood age wise. you may stay together, you may not, it depends on how you change....but give it your best shot if you are willing and care for her :)
     
  4. mystical_shroom

    mystical_shroom acerbic

    I am going to be completely honest with you and please do not get offended or anything okay...
    I would have a really hard time if i had a fifteen year old daughter who was dating a 20 year old...
    I probably wouldnt allow it...
    but I think its really good that you two arent having sex yet and are waiting...
     
  5. magicmonkey

    magicmonkey Member

    maybe it's not the actual age gap that you need to worry about but more the mental age gap. If you were both 10 years older it wouldn't be any problem at all but the mental age difference between 15 and 20 can be immense. I would be surprised if it didn't cause you two problems especially as 15 year olds tend to develop dependencies and hero worship quite readily (just as bad for the worshipper as the worshipee in my book, although I know which end I'd rather be on!). I take it that you probably have all the names under the sun shouted at you as well by the local townies wherever it is you're living which will probably wind you up no end!

    obviously I'm only going on stereotypes here so don't take it too seriously, as far as I'm concerned I think it's fine so long as you're both aware of how to treat each other well and you're both emotionally mature enough for a relationship in the first place.
     
  6. DoktorAtomik

    DoktorAtomik Closed For Business

    I'm on your side here, Spuff. Long story incoming!

    When I was about 21, I'd just finished a shit relationship. I was holidaying in Glastonbury town for emotional recuperation. Sitting in the pub one night, this girl who was sat at a table behind me turned around and said "is that a spliff? Can I have a drag?". We got talking for the rest of the night. At the end, I told her where we (me and my mate) were camping, and said to swing by the next day. My mate said "not a chance! That was so desperate!". He wasn't looking so smug when she turned up the next morning!

    We spent the whole of the next day together, and I was smitten. Head over fucking heels. In the evening, the conversation turned to "so, what do you do?". Imagine my reaction when she said "I'm still at school". Once I picked my jaw off the floor, I asked her how old she was. She was 15. I'd had no idea. I'd have said 19 at the youngest. The friend she had with her was actually her mother! Legally, I was on pretty solid ground since it was her birthday in two weeks, but boy, what a turmoil I was in! I didn't have a clue what to do. We'd already made out, and I was falling for her really fast. I decided to go home and think it over. I promised I'd write (hah, the days before email!), but didn't make any other promises.

    When I got home, I went through a lot of the issues that have been raised in this thread. I asked myself if I'd be taking advantage of her. I asked myself if it was possible to have an equal relationship with someone that young. I asked myself if I'd be an unhealthy influence on her.

    It was all academic really, because I was smitten. I decided to go up and visit and just see how things panned out. Fortunately for me, her mother was very reasonable about the whole thing (amazingly so, really). We ended up seeing each other for about a year. It wasn't intense because we lived so far apart, and I guess that was probably for the best.

    So how did things work out? Well, she was emotionally more mature than many girls of my own age, and she was also very intelligent. She was strong willed enough that I don't think I had any undue influence on her. If anything, I'd say I did her a lot of good. I persuaded her to not drop out of college, and she ended up getting a degree. I advised her against the extremes of class 'A' drugs - which she was quite inclined to dabble in because of her peer group. I think I even taught her to respect herself a bit more. She was also good for me, because the light-hearted relationship that we had was the perfect antidote to my last heavy relationship. In all, I would say the whole thing was a very positive experience for both of us. We were friends and equals, and age was never really an issue. We eventually split because of the physical distance between us, but over ten years later, we're still good friends. I go and visit when I get the chance, and she comes to see me when she can. I even get on with her mother still! Ironically, I'd say she's less mature now than she was back then!

    If I'd know her age when I met her, I'd never have got involved, but I can't honestly say that I think I did the wrong thing. We had fun. We both came out of it unscathed. We were good for each other. We both made a life-long friend.

    Of course, this will be very different for different people. I've never met anyone else of that age that I'd ever have considered a relationship with. But at that place and time, with me and her, it worked.

    I would say that you have to be very careful though. It's an easy situation to exploit (intentionally or otherwise), and it's also very easy to fool yourself that someone of that age is a lot more mature than they actually are. If your heart is in the right place though, and you're aware of all the issues, and you're capable of being mature enough in yourself to protect and not exploit the girl, then you may be ok. Without knowing you both and knowing your circumstances, it's impossible to judge. Just tread carefully, and good luck.
     
  7. backtothelab

    backtothelab Senior Member

    I kinda have the same problem, except alot of the girls i meet end up being alot older, like 20-30. I'm tall and look alot older, and i can carry mature conversation, so they don't really notice till i mention. Most guys my age would'nt see this as a "problem", but it is.
    15 to 20 is just too big a gap, frankly. But hey, go for it anyways, you never know.
     
  8. sugrmag

    sugrmag Uber Nerd

    My husband is 5 yrs older than me, and it is not a big deal, at all. But, we met when I was 23 and he was 28. If I met him when I was 15, I really don't think that we would have had a relationship. For the most part, 15 yr olds are on a completely diff. level than 20 yr olds. Just think about how much you have changed since you were 15. Think about how much you have grown, what you've experienced. She is still very innocent as to what life is (probably). Make your own decisions, but keep everything in perspective.
     
  9. Alomiakoda

    Alomiakoda Boniface McSporran

    I went out with a 20 year old...didn't last but I don't think that was really to do with the age gap
     
  10. poor_old_dad

    poor_old_dad Senior Member

    First I'd like to say to Alomiakoda: The reference to Rocky Horror and the Thoreau quote are very cool.

    In my opinion, age is the least important gap between two people. I've known 15 year olds who were very mature and had their stuff together. I've known 40 year olds who were total flakes. When I got married I was 3 years closer to my mother-in-law's age than my bride's age. We stayed married for 11 years, had two sons, and are all still friends. As Bob Dylan said, "The times, they are a changin'". I've always taken this to mean that people are changing. Sometimes you change together, sometimes you change apart. That's what happened with us, we changed apart. But our age gap had nothing to do with it. You and your lady friend will change, accept that. But you know what, that's true if you're 15, or 20, or 30, or 40, or ... well, you get the idea. It doesn't sound like you two are doing any harm, so I'd say that as long as you like spending time together - do. Be good to each other, honest, open, respectful and maybe the worst that'll happen is you end up with a friend. And that's pretty cool.
     
  11. Spuff

    Spuff Where's my ciggies?

    I appreciate all of your opinions ... thanks guys! :)
    Her family (well, her mother because her dad sadly passed away a few years ago) are totally fine with us going out. I actually work with her mum and we see each other all the time. My girlfriend was going to spend the night with me (nothing sexual ... just the company) and I was unsure what her mum would make of this but to my surprise, her mum actually asked me if she was or not and that it was fine! (But she didn't anyway because some friends and I popped a friend's inflatable bed and he had to borrow my sister's spare matress ... which was where we intended to sleep!)
    My girlfriend is mature for her age, although she is very quiet and 'mousey'. I don't mind this though and I accept this is because she is young ... I know I was like that when I was 15.


    I think if we give it time, we'll both mature to some sort of equal level. At the end of the day, we are crazy for each other and the heart wants what the heart wants!
     
  12. sugrmag

    sugrmag Uber Nerd

    It really is awesome that her mom is cool with it. She must really trust you.
     
  13. happy

    happy Member

    I'm 15 and my most recent boyfriend was 18. Things ended up not working becuase he had problems i cant even relate to yet. Like his job, graduate, college, car...and other things I, being 15 cant relate to. We're still friends and all because we get along like crazy but having a romantic relationship wasnt working out. The age difference was the reason behind the reason we broke up. It does have a lot to do with the mental issue and finding out who you are.
     
  14. barefoot_boy

    barefoot_boy Member

    Poor old dad?A lot of people call me a flake.Maybe I am headed down that
    road.I'll have relationships with people a lot older than me but never
    say in they're teens.I can't even get my own shit togrther so why should
    I fuck up somebody too young?I try not to.
     
  15. peaceful420

    peaceful420 Member

    If you guys get along, what's the problem? You seem to have a lot of respect for each other, and that's a great thing in a relationship. Don't worry about it so much now, just have fun. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. It's very cool of you to wait until she's 16, if you're both ready. Enjoy life, don't worry about an age gap. If you get along and care for each other, let it be, man.
     
  16. Da Solo

    Da Solo Member

    I hope things work out for you.

    Age gaps can cause problems, I hope it dosn't for you:)

    Da Solo
     
  17. Spuff

    Spuff Where's my ciggies?

    Well, as of late, things have been going great between us. I didn't think I actually loved her (mainly because I was still getting over my ex) but I've come to realise that I do love her very dearly now. Age doesn't seem to be any problem ... well, not at the moment anyway. We're happy together and we respect each other so I guess that's what matters most.
     
  18. schatzi

    schatzi Member

    if you truly love each other your ages won't matter. I dated a guy 6 years older than me for 5 years and we were really happy together. good luck!
     
  19. LatinRose

    LatinRose Member

    hi everybody first of all,

    Spuff in a way I admire what you said that you respect ppl's feelings if you really mean it. It means a lot and it's very important.
    The only thing I advice you is to have a serious talking with your girl ( if you haven't already had it ) and see what exacly her feelings are.
    Why I'm saying this ? Well I quite speak from my experience, in a way I regret not having serious conversations from the start in a relation.
    See... you have to be sure that she really understands what a relationship means.
    (some tend to play at first .. then to start to care and maybe fall for that guy, and if he doesn't want something serious, or wants just to play as she wanted at first, she'll end depressed).
    Also, you have to ask yourself what do you exacly expect from her. Do you want a long term relation ? Do you love her ? If no, make her understand what you want from her or if you don't love her I suggest you to leave her alone, but make her understand why. I'm not saying that becouse of your age, but at 15 years old she's very easy to hurt.
    Maybe now you're not having sex, but soon or later you will, as she's just 15 she'll care a LOT more at you if you do have sex, and if you'll leave her after ( doesn't matter if in a week or 2 years ) you're going to hurt her a lot.
    If you really ment that you respect the ppls feelings try to talk with her more... at 15 years old she's actually "opening her eyes" and starts " to see " the world. A big deception will break something there in her heart.
    Here I don't actually talk about that she'll miss you, and all you had ( this will happen too ) but in a girl's soul it's something else that is happening. Once she had a deception in love, girls tend to try to make another bf ( more if the first deception ) and tend to "jump" from guy to guy. Are searching to get back what they lost but with others partners, and will get an instability in couple. They actually don't realise what is happening until they "fall" into a bad situation. Anyway it's a lot to talk about, when it comes to what changes a girl gets after a deception.
    If you love your girl, think that you have to help her to create a good image of what a couple means. She might have that image for all her life.
    What I mean to say is that this relation will influence her a lot ( and it depends of you if in good or less ).
    I don't mean to make a pressure here. just respect her feelings as you also say you respect ppl's feelings. talk to her.
    I would like to talk some with you, if you're ok with this please feel free to contact me on email.
     
  20. Nalencer

    Nalencer Dig Yourself

    Well, Space Cadet, I'm pretty sure that they have had sex by now, or have broken up. Little tip -- if she was 15 two years ago, that means she's 17 now. Basic math, there.

    But Spuff, I would be interested to know how it turned out, since I did just read this whole thread.
     

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