affection vs sexual intimacy

Sex was hopeless in our marriage. But we were very affectionate and there was ton of intimacy. In more than one way. And there was LOTS of mutual respect and commitment.
Then life happened, priorities changed. Affection & intimacy diminished and disappeared. Still committed with mutual respect.
Now I enjoy the intimacy from professionals - hairstylists, LMT. I once found a stripper I liked and would go see her every Friday when her shift starts. It stopped when she had to move out of town for her higher education. During covid I managed to live without any intimacy. Now I know I can live without it. I might resume my massage sessions if I find a good LMT. Because my LMT had quit her career during COVID.

 

Affection is very important for me. I did not admit this until a therapist suggested that my sense of satisfaction in life was missing, because I had been trying to fulfill this basic human need through relationships or encounters that were mainly based on sex.

She taught me to be much more conscious about how I selected my intimate relationships. I quit seeking random sex through cruising and on-line efforts. I wrote out what was important to me on paper, and stuck to those standards. I paid attention to people who I knew and met in life. All of this put me in a better position to recognize love when I saw it.

Now I have long term intimate relationships with both a woman and a man, and great friendships with others. I don't live with any of them, but we always look forward to expressing our affection for each other. It is much easier to find this with a woman than with a man, because so many men are extremely conditioned to be constrained in their gender expression. However, when you find a man who is not afraid of love, express your affection to him regularly, and let him know you appreciate him for far more than sex.

 

I have had no intimacy for years from my wife, and no sex for what seems like decades. I have had good play sessions with males now and then but I couldn't handle romance/intimacy with them, just lust. All I did to compensate for no intimacy, or sex is to take up her offer to play with others. Pure lust with someone who sucked and wanked with me. No further I decided. Worked just fine and she is all for it. I think t takes the pressure off her.

 

The affection thing died out with my wife years ago. We're still deeply committed life partners and all that entails. But I do miss the affection.

Recently, we've acquired a sex partner, also a woman, who loves affection with me, and she's become my outlet for this. I love that affection is part of my life again. I don't think I could feel that way about a guy tho. Guys are more like fun sex partners for me. We can be friends, but not likely more than that.

 

I'm never shy about defending someone's right to live their life in the way you're describing here.

I think though when we commit to marriage, we're agreeing to a level of devotion that supersedes all else.

In my relationship with my fiancé, I know I've frequently mentioned both affection and intimacy, as well as devotion, fidelity, honor, and sexuality, preferences, boundaries, and limits.

Morality & normalcy have laid out a path for us to follow, and where there isn't always agreement between one culture's values and another's, there is typically a generally accepted set of principles to follow for a marriage, and another set for casual interactions or kink.

In my relationship, I have determined that I want to provide the level of security provided by morality.

I'm aware that in our relationship, my fiancé and I have emotional needs, and have acknowledged that it's important for intimacy to be available, and that I am emotional available to my fiancé on a physical level when opportunity provides and, in the future, when there is more opportunity.

But sacrifice is also something I embrace for the benefit of security in our relationship. And abstinence.

Our sex life only goes as far as emotional security allows. I am devoted to her, and her outcome. Our sex life only serves to interrupt that security, and sex is only as important as is socially relevant. Abstinence from sex provides better emotional security right now, and sacrifice in the name of progress has become the more important mantra in my social vernacular.

When sex is less important, there is a lot more room to acknowledge morality, spiritual congruence with a religion, and adherence to values and virtue allow for transcendence in a way conducive to tradition and etiquette that appeal on a more family-oriented basis.

We can relate to our peers, AND our families and their "old & obsolete" systems of understanding.

I love my fiancé above all else, and if we marry finally, I will forever cherish her and protect her interests. My hope is that we transcend and actualize ourselves as individuals, and therefore also in the relationship as a priority.

I want nothing more, and so I let that remind me that a little sacrifice is worth the victory.

 

With both my girlfriend and my boyfriend, respect and affection came first, and then sex happened later. That is how things have remained prioritized since I met them.

When I was younger, it was super difficult to separate affection from the obsession with getting off. I got over that barrier when I finally realized that sex with others was not fulfilling for me in the absence of respect and affection. This is a subtle change in brain-wiring that has required a lot of time alone and lots of reflection.

My most loving relationships are built primarily on respect and affection. Sex has become a part of two of those relationships, but it is not the essential part of the foundation.

I can always masturbate if I have not gotten off in a long time, and then just lay there in bed and feel the sensations after my orgasm. However, when I have not been loved and held closely by another person for a long time, masturbation is not a sufficient substitute for that. With loving relationships built on a solid foundation, I can occasionally have it all.

 

I'm currently in a long term relationship with a woman whom I love dearly. She's not very affectionate, but she does do things like random comforting touches and such.

What's really draining is the lack of emotional and physical intimacy. The older I get, the more I crave it and realize expressing affection and receiving it are so vital for my well-being.

Sadly, I've never had the opportunity to have a full on romantic relationship with another man. I would like to try just to see what things feel emotionally different (if anything).

 

Right in the feelings, Papa. I see couples in general being affectionate and comforting towards one another in public and it just makes me feel sad, I think.

 

Liberated people can sometimes freely be affectionate with people of all gender orientations. These are simply nice people, who are either naturally affectionate or who learn to be affectionate. They are rare gems that I treasure.

My dentist is like this. She likes to put all her patients at ease with a gentle hand on your arm when you are in the chair. She looks at everyone right in the eyes and listens carefully. My girlfriend is the same way. We're always getting as close as possible during each day and each outing with each other.

I know a gay man who gives the best hugs in the world to almost everyone he knows. I always look forward to seeing him. The best male lovers I've been with have held an embrace long after orgasm. No hurry-- so let's fulfill this basic human need.

In this world of so much fear about diseases, war, lies, and gun violence, I think about how much joy so many people are missing by not being open to giving and receiving affection.