I keep meaning to post something here, but then delete everything and stay away from the forums for a while. I decided that now might be a good time. A few people on here know that I have been through a bit of a crisis and have been drinking and using quite a bit to try and get through. So after a period of just being a little crazy, it got to a point where I needed help and a friend of mine convinced me to see my GP and I have now been taking antidepressants - which aren't particularly helpful as I guessed. I have also started therapy... which again isn't particularly helpful... I'm now in a place where I am pushing people away again, isolating myself and self-sabotaging. And I don’t know what to do about it. There have been issues around self-harm, overdoses, suicide, drink and drugs and putting myself in pretty risky situations. Things have changed slightly in that I now have a couple of people around me who the crap going on in my head. Everyone else walks away when things get tough. I need advice. I don’t know how to manage these negative thoughts and sense of rejection. I guess the main thing at the moment is trying to find where I belong as a gay Christian. I have a great gay priest friend who is brilliant, but I keep focusing on the people and churches that condemn me. Not sure what I am asking for really – just advice. Posting about stuff like this is usually a sign that things aren’t going so great, so I guess I just need people to actually listen rather than ignore (although that’s very possible on here too.)
Hi, I'm currently in the same situation you're in. I think the best way to go about is to talk to someone whom you trust. Try to surround yourself with other people, talk to them. This is the only advice I can give and it's worked for me. If you already did try this then I'm sorry that I wasn't such a big help.
I listened, Sugar. I'm not sure what advice I can give you because I've never walked your particular path. I have a stepdaughter who is lesbian and she's never had to face rejection of any kind. She's the light of my life. She's spiritual but not religious, so that helps. She doesn't give a hoot what any religious dogma has to say about her natural state of being. And it IS her natural state of being. Any church that preaches otherwise is not worth your time or your pain.
There isnt anyone to surround myself with. I have two people who know this stuff,the others don't care. Guess I really am not worth anything.
can your religion be more personal in nature? I mean, if you're seeking out fellowship but the fellowship is rejecting you and causing you to feel even more isolated, can you just practice Christianity in private and forget about all the hypocrites who continuously hurt you? Perhaps find the fellowship you desire within a different, non religious and open minded group?
It sounds to me like you isolate yourself and worry about the people who condemn you, because you condemn yourself and cant find a way to except who you are as an individual. We are all different and you need to focus on what it is making it so hard for you to forgive and except yourself ( not that you need forgiving) For some reason you believe that how you are is not right or good enough. Find a way to deal with that. Your standing in the way of your own happiness. I really hope this helps.
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I think both the medication and the therapy can take time before they have any beneficial effect. Not all therapists are good, and not all therapists are a good fit. Was your therapist recommended to you? Your gay priest friend might know of some good therapists if your current one isn't a good match. www.suicideforum.com might be a good place to discuss some of these issues, in addition to posting here. This thread may help too http://www.hipforums.com/forum/topic/458019-treating-depression-and-anxiety/ It seems to me like the main message of Jesus is love, forgiveness, and non-judgement. Christians don't always live up to that. If they did, you probably wouldn't be experiencing the rejection that you describe. Maybe there is a support group in the UK for gay Christians? Being around people who have some of the same experiences might be very helpful. Hope that things get better soon!
p.s. Here is a link that has some info on gay Christian groups in the UK https://duckduckgo.com/?q=gay+Christians+UK
What are you usually thinking about before you use coping strategies (drinking, drugs, self-harm...)?
To be more specific, when you feel rejection, and you worry about where you fit in as a gay christian, what thoughts come to mind - what do you tell yourself?
Hey, you ARE worth something. Your life has a meaning, it's definitely not worthless at all. I used to think that all the time and I was always miserable. Just know that if you keep thinking that, you'll never get better. You are not worthless, remember that.
You have worth! Your relationship with God is yours, he made you and he will not reject you. If people reject you, they aren't worthy of knowing you. Those that walk away from you when things get tough, are people not good to be around at all. As far as therapy and meds...they won't help unless you can change your mind, and believe they will. You must do exercises to change your mind. When a negative thought begins to take over, change it to a positive one. Even if it's silly. Get a mantra that you repeat when you feel negative or anything that involves self harm. And pray....pray, pray pray and have faith things will get better. Dance Take deep breaths Get out in nature How long do ya do this? Until it works.... Big hugs.
it is personal. I think i have been just choosing the wrong places and so now I expect everywhere to be the same. she was recommended to me, though i know she'll judge certain things about me. I would love to be prt of some more things like that, but my anxiety stops me. i'm not worth it either, so i just shouldn't even try and find support. usually that i am either very alone or reminding myself that no one out there likes me or cares about me. that they are right - i can't belong anywhere. you're wrong. well, of course it had to be you to say this.
just having a really bad time and its getting worse despite doing what i can to try and fix it. i just shouldn't be here.no one would even notice if i was gone.
Someone would...and be hurt if you were no longer around. I know how you feel....that unworthy crap, I do know how it feels. Pray, pray and pray some more.
