ADULT Jokes... (Not for the offendable)

I told my wife i thought of her as My Princess,= Someone whom I would fight Dragons for, defend her from evil Trolls and protect her from Bad Witches.
I would climb Mountains, ford streams, cross oceans and be her Knight in Shining armour
.
She looked so happy, a smile beamed across her face and told me she was so proud that I would do such brave and noble things for her.
-
I added - although when it comes to vacuuming the house, doing the dishes, the ironing and removing Spiders, that was her job
-
Suddenly, the mood changed ...!!

 

-
She went onto say "That's typical of you", "we married to be a partnership, one of equal standing", "Together we'd each do our bit to make this work"
-
At this point I had to stop her and say "Hang on a minute, you don't see and Dragon Trolls or Witches do you?" - "Whereas I do see Dust, Dirty plates in the sinkand a big Spider in the Toilet" - I lived up to my side on the bargain, however, - you haven't
They was no reply - (I thinks she went to contemplate her error )
* * * * * * * * * * .*
Latest News, I think she' realised her mistake and to make it up to me I think she's planning a surprise holiday - as I can hear her upstairs ,,, packing my bags

 

My wife told me that out 10 year old daughter had asked for a Barbie and a G.I Joe for Christmas
.
I asked "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
.
She replied "That's what I said, but she told me, Mo Barbies come with G.I.Joe, - she fakes it with Ken"

• It took us a minute to realise ...

 

A young priest stands in for Old father O'Reily while he's on holiday.
The old priest leaves a list of sins and penances.
After mass , a woman goes into the confessionary and says. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
"What is your sin , my daughter? "
"I stole £5 from the husband's wallet"
"Say three Hail Mary's and one Our Father and you'll get absolution."
.
Another woman comes in and says
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
The priest says, " What's your sin, my daughter?"
She says " I gave a total stranger a blow job ."
The priest looked down the list and can't find blow job so he goes out into the church and sees the cleaner sweeping up and says "what does Father O'Reily give for a blow job?" and she says....
"About £12.50 if I take me teeth out!!..

 

I asked my wife to pretend she was a schoolgirl for our anniversary

She brought a note from her mum saying she had a headache

 

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.
.
She gave it everything she had, until a large fart sound and foul stench filled the room.
.
"Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?"
.
"Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!.."

 

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier:
"I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
- - So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
- - So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like shit."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."

 

Did you write this bit Wolf mate?

"Be they Risque or Rude, - they're a relief from the prude,
For we all know and Say, - and we all can be Gay*,
.
So let's set down the 'PC' - and be liberated, - free,
Naughty, can also, be nice - and to some, their life spice,
.
So let's give of good cheer - be with or without beer,
Jokes are there for Fun, - be they obvious or pun,
.
Whilst opine can divide - Taste and tactless, two sides,
Times change, can confuse - though their points' to amuse"

 

Yes .. (a bit cheesy I know)

 

wife lies sick in bed ,,,husband brings her home a bunch of flowers ,wife says ,,i supposes i have to open my legs for those ,husband says why \? havent you got a vase big enough ,,,

 

Actually very cool.

 

*

• Q. What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft?
• A. Chewing gum

• Q. What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
• A. They are both meat substitutes.

• Q. Whats 72?
• A. 69 with three people watching.

• Q. What comes after 69?
• A. mouthwash.

• Q. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
• A. Beat it. We’re closed.

 

Things to say to a Partner??? ..

• I may not go down in history, hower .

• Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70

• If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I'd love to be you by morning.

 

Sexual pick up lines

• Is your name winter? - - - Because,

,

 

• Are you an archaeologist? - - - Because

- - - I’d like to examine that bone that I can see you have.

 

• We should play strip poker.

- You can strip and I’ll play and poke you.

 

• Your remind me of a wrench;

... every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.