ADULT Jokes ... (A Retro view)

School taught me that: Most Ants can lift 10 times their own weight

In Life however: I find that: Most Uncles can't

 

I went to get some acupuncture treatment the other day
.
-It felt liked she had stuck pins in me before
.
Turns out that it was deja vu - doo

 

The fortune teller employed by the travelling circus didn't have a very good reputation.
.
She would always give readings that forcasted a bleak winter to come.
.
Turns out, however, the Crystal ball she used was really, - a Snow Globe

 

Back 'in the day'

 

..

 

- - - - - - -

 

I just got myself settled to watch the game in my favorite chair.
I had snacks, I had Beers, I was 'ready to cheer'
-
Then the wife came into the room and said "I know I said I'd leave you alone to watch the match, but can I ask a stupid question"?
"better than anyone I know" I replied

 

POP ANIMAL NEWS:

Elton John has just bought his pet Rabbit a treadmill
When lyricist partner Bernie Taupin was asked for his view on this, he replied .."Hmm, I guess"...."It's a little fit Bunny"

 

A Russian Doll was stopped at the Airport ticket gate

 

I got pulled over the other day bay a female traffic cop.
As we talked, I thought I had built up a good rapport with her.
I told her "you' look lovely, 'you're a right stunner'"

• She smiled

but, when I added "- and that's not just the drink talking"

• She smiled no more

(I walk a lot more now)

 

My wife and I had a huge argument today
I was shouting, she was screaming.
It lasted about an hour before I slammed the door and left telling her I was off to the Pub so she'd look better and make more sense after a few beers
I only had two before seeing the errors of my ways I returned home
- when I got back however she had left a note saying she was going shopping - to get some fava beans and a nice Chianti

• I'm a bit worried now

 

My wife was packing our suitcases for our weekend break.
I wanted to take a T-Shirt .
She asked me "which Tyrannosaurus shirt I wanted ?",
Puzzled, I asked "why do you call it a tyrannosaurus shirt?"

• She told me "because they have short arms"

 

I was singing along to my favourite Oasis song 'Wonderwall'
- when my wife asked me to keep it dow ...

• I said "..maybe"

 

My wife told me I was putting on too much weight, so I went to the Doctors.
.
The Doctor told me "Don't eat anything fatty"
I said "what you mean like Pies, Bacon, Chips?"
.
He replied .....

• "No - Don't eat anything - Fatty"!

 

I saw that someone was selling a bicycle in the Newspaper
I rang the number listed and asked "How low would you go on it?"

• They replied "about 2mph - otherwise I fall off"

 

TIP: for the day
"If you are burying a body - Plant endangered plants on and around it - so it is illegal to dig it up"

 

My wife and I went shopping the other day
It was in very busy and I lost her
I saw a lovely looking young lady, - Long Blonde hair and legs to match
I walked over to her and said "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
She said, "Sure you can, but how will that help?"

• I said, "I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of nowhere!

- And she did !!

 

For all of the math fans out there

What is the squire root of 69 ?
9 X 9 = 81 too high, too much
8 X 8 =64 too low not enough

So the answer would be then

Ate something......did I spell that wrong ?
8. 3066238629

 

Towards the end of the day the Teacher said "If you can draw me a flag of another Country then you can leave 15 minutes early"

• Johnny drew and produced "A Danish Flag"

. The Teacher said "Well done, Off you go Johnny"

• Mary drew and produced "A Swedish Flag"

. The Teacher said "Well done, Off you go Mary"

• Then Billy drew and produced "A Finnish Flag"

But he was not as Successful