ADULT Jokes ... (A Retro view)

When I was younger I worked part time at Tesco's.
A rather attractive young (but full of herself) young girl came to the counter with a bag of crisps and a sandwich.
I asked if she want to go get a drink?

She turned to her three girly friends, laughed turned back at me, and made a big thing of my request saying "I don't thik so - I have a reputation to maintain, and wouldn't want to be seen having a drink with someone of my status - as it was below her interlect and status"

When, however I pointed out that, she had misunderstood me - and a drink was part of the meal deal, she just left her stuff on the counter and quickly walked out
= Go figure???

 

My Grandchildren came to see me the other day.
.
They asked me about my Grandparents,
.
I told them that their names were PearI and Dean
.
- But I called the Grandma and Grandpa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa - pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Pa

Pearl & Dean - Cinema Titles - Asteroid!! - YouTube

 

I remember one of my teachers telling the class not to bother too much about spelling, becuase everything now has auto-correct
-
And for that, I am infernally grapefruit

 

Speaking of Mis-Texting
.
My girlfriend sent me a message saying "Fancy coming over for a Coffee"?
.
I thought 'blooming auto-correct' it's spelt Wine wrongly

 

Mystery = Solved

 

Not a lot of people know it, but Charles Dickens wrote one his best books after an evening at his favourite Cocktail bar
.
He just ordered a Martini, and the barman asked him "Olive or Twist"?
.
Dickens was immediately inspired

 

Why does a Sheep never date a Sheepdog?

They find them too controlling

 

Tomorrow (Monday 22nd August) is the first day beginning of Diarrhorea Awareness

• 'Runs all week'

 

All that Glitters ...
.
Whilst on holiday, I found a cave and went to explore it.
There within was an olde style, though dirty Lamp.
I gave it a rub, and to my suprise out came a Genie.
.
He explained that due to cost cutting measures he could only grant One wish
I thought about it for a while, before saying to him "You know, what, just make me Happy"
He smiled (a rather evill looking smile) and said "As you wish so it shall be"
.
Sadly however, I am now living with six other men and a rather bossy girl, who we have to look after once we've finished our days work in the mine
Ah well - Hi-Ho

 

I took my Grandchildren to the Cinema last week, to see "The Railway Children"
The were excited
But when we got there, the film showing was "Summer Holiday"
I complained of course, but was told that "due to a strike it was a Cinematic replacement Bus service"

 

People at my Weight watchers club are always critisicing me for failing to follow the rules, and that I'm not doing it right.

I ignore them though, for I know I am, 'the Bigger person'

 

I have a friend who was caught pinching womens bottoms.
He received a prison sentence -
.
- Oh, and of course lost his job at the mortaury

 

My therapist told me I had boundary issues ...

...well her exact words were "get out of my toilet whilst I'm using it"