A question for married bisexual men

Another outstanding, in-depth, concise, mature, thought-provoking A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ response........VERY well written and presented, for certain....................

 

Let's hope that married bisexual men find it to be as outstanding as you say it is. Let's hope that the guys looking for that elusive FWB finds things helpful and thought-provoking; let's hope that they understand that it can be done but there's a lot of work to be done. Let's hope that they can find the "man of their dreams" and take FWB from fantasy to reality.
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Let's hope that should they find and connect with him, things go amazingly well for the both of them.

 

In a perfect world, my friend, this would all be so simple and so easily achieved.

Unfortunately, we live in the REAL world, and to "diss" reality would be suicidal, for certain.

Take it slow, use your head, and DON'T expect miracles.....deal with it all with REALISTIC expectations in mind.........

 

It is achievable; it's totally doable and it's not pie-in-the-sky talk. It's not unrealistic to express hope for all the married men out there who needs to be with a man and, preferably, someone who can be a friend and a lover...

 

Refreshing indeed to hear such a voice of "glowing optimism"!

As I had stated earlier, a bi married male who has a best buddy who is also a "bed buddy" AND, also has a tight emotional bond between them is indeed far more fortunate than he knows......

 

Again, very well put.

There are far more such men out there with such "unconventional" desires and yearnings than you can shake a stick at.

The trick is to find the "right" guy who is the real deal, and not someone playing games, or, worse still, looking to do serious bodily (or emotional) harm to the unsuspecting bisexual married male, totally new to this game........

 

"Back to square one", as they say.......

Before a single bisexual male makes ANY sort of commitment with a woman he is seriously considering marrying, wouldn't this be the time to be honest and open, and admit, straight out, that he is also sexually attracted to other men?

In this scenario, there is a LOT less at risk at this stage, than if this news was shared AFTER the wedding.

IMHO, this could eliminate a LOT of GRIEF, later in the game.

Just my opinion.............

 

I’ve considered myself straight all my life. I do however get quite excited and am attracted to getting other guys off. Not sure if it’s a bisexual thing or a power trip but I like pleasing people. Having a female relationship whether dating or married, does not have to intwine a bisexual male to male experience. If this is something you desire that your partner does not accept than it should be done privately and without disclosure. You should not be ashamed or denied for having these thoughts, feelings and desires. If what we seek and want are not fulfilled unhappiness will always follow.

 

Sure, it would be the time. Allow me to tell you what usually happens: There will be no marriage unless, of course, you run into one of those rare women who'd be okay with you being sexually attracted to men... as long as you never plan on actually having sex with another guy. Or she's going to dictate who you can have sex with and what you can do with a guy that she approves of or even if she doesn't want to be a part of the approval process, she's still going to tell her hubby what he can and can't do, when he can't do it, and otherwise cockblock him until he loses that interest in men. The mistake many a man (and woman) makes is thinking that they know the person they're about to marry well enough to come clean with this truth, only to find out that they didn't know them as well as they thought they did, and disaster tends to follow.

Which is why few guys ever tell the woman they're about to marry something like this... because they do want to marry her. They figure that (a) they can go without actually having sex with a man or (b) they're slick enough to discretely go behind her back to get some dick and under the premise of what she doesn't know isn't going to hurt her or, like I said before, it's better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and I'm not going to go back into what it would take to get her permission but most guys will not ask for it because they already know that they're not going to get it and if they ask, they might not be married for much longer. Or worse, now they're living with a woman that's full of angst toward him and this whole thing can get pretty fucking ugly.

Tell you what. If you know or have female friends, go ask them what they'd do if the guy they were about to marry told them this... and take notes.

 

Too, I have often read of accounts where bi men (and, even gay men) married a woman thinking that it would "cure" them of their "homosexual tendencies".

I, personally, used to communicate with guys I met in the old AOL chatrooms (many years back), and there were indeed several who had admitted they got married (and had kids) thinking that this would "squelch" their need to be sexually active with other men.

One fellow (who had then been with his male partner for ten years) told me that he had been married, and had two kids.

He also told me he went through a VERY nasty divorce (this did not surprise me)

His words to me:

"Getting married to a woman was the WORST mistake I ever made; it was my fault for not being honest with myself in the first place"

I'll never forget him telling me this (and he wasn't the only one)............

 

Hell, when I was in high school, I had several girls try to "cure me of my gayness" and wouldn't believe that I wasn't gay and... I stopped trying to convince them since, um, they tried really hard to cure me. So much fun. But, more on topic, sure - some guys were of a mind that pussy would cure them of any sexual interest in men until, eventually, they found out that it didn't, couldn't and wouldn't make that interest go away. Tack on the belief that married pussy was "free pussy for life" and a whole lot of guys got totally disabused of this very nonsensical thing and so much that some of them decided that being gay was better. Now, if you were being dishonest with yourself, welp, a horrific divorce is what you get for such dishonesty and, really, no one's going to feel sorry for you since you knew the truth and chose to ignore it and chose to believe that pussy makes everything better when, no, not really and not always.

What I would find interesting were the guys who gave up women to live a gay lifestyle and wound up being with a guy who made a woman look like the better option. The truth a lot of men - and myself included - learned that it wasn't being married to a woman that made shit bad: It was being married and being put in a no-win situation that included suppression, depression, languor and stagnation because even when a major change was obviously called for, such changes just aren't allowed within the marriage contract. The reason why women make being married to them a living nightmare is because they believe in the happily ever after fairy tale and will go to any lengths to make it their reality including a very strict adherence to the rules of monogamy and the sanctity of the marriage vows... well, until they no longer suit her purposes but we're not talking about that.

If you never learn how to make you marriage be as good as it can be, I'd suspect that you're hosed and not in a good way because that's the part of being married that they don't and won't tell you about.

 

KD23:

Yet another excellent response; you were indeed one of the fortunate bi guys who KNEW what he wanted at an early age, and was NOT going to let any bigoted, asinine, narrow-mindedness to deter you on your quest for "the best of both worlds".

Well done, my friend!

 

Why pick a side when you can choose to "be in the middle?" To be able to enjoy all of what it means to have sex with a woman and to bask in the headiness of forbidden sex with a man? When you hear all of the rhetoric and other bullshit that, logically, doesn't make sense, it does make sense to ignore it and keep on doing your thing since I got to find out that having sex with a boy wasn't really as bad as they said it was and, yeah, sucking on grown up dick was very bad, nasty, and a lot of fun... and educational. Once I could really say that I was a grown-assed man and I have the right to make these decisions for myself, well, any objections got summarily ignored; how the fuck are you gonna tell me when you aren't like me and too scared to do what I can do?

Don't hate the player - hate the game. I have never had a reason to not be bisexual so if it ain't broke...

 

Good analogy, my friend!

 

"BABY, LET IT ALL HANG OUT, AND JOIN THE PARTY!"

 

Once I heard a joke about a bisexual man being: "a gay guy whose closet has a revolving door".

Personally, I wasn't amused.

Perhaps, whoever "penned" this little gem might have had "inclinations" of his own?

Could be............

 

Whoever penned that obviously didn't know what they were talking about... and it might have even been a gay guy who penned this since gays invented being in the closet... and now bisexual men are being shoved into self-made hiding places and for me, coming out of the closet is just a joke I share with my wife and when she goes into the closet, I do tell her that it's okay to come out... and the look she gives me is precious and funny as fuck.

Otherwise, it's pretty fucked up to assume that bisexual men are in a closet; some of us are and it's easy to assume that if one of us is in the closet, all of us are... and you get stupid quips about revolving doors.

 

Agreed 100%.

I used to joke about "coming out of the closet" (nearly 30 years back!), saying:

"I was NEVER in the closet........NO ROOM, and I ain't crazy about the smell of mothballs!"

Took a LOT of GUTS (and courage, believe me); one of my older brothers had thought I was gay for years, but never said anything; did not matter to him at all.

He was TOTALLY cool, as I had thought he would be.

My other older brother (true to my suspicions) TOTALLY freaked out (I guess he NEVER wondered WHY I had no interest in girls, never dated, and was a lifelong bachelor?)

Tell me THAT didn't suck! (or HURT!)

It was three months before he FINALLY came around, and then acted as though nothing had happened.

My best bud from work (we were like brothers) could not have cared less; nothing could come between us, and our friendship only grew stronger and tighter.

He was a damn good buddy, believe me....he got me through some ROUGH times, for certain.......

 

Whether he will admit it or not, EVERY man (regardless of his orientation) NEEDS the SUPPORT and CAMARADERIE of another man, the kind of "bonding" that a woman cannot provide.

Funny, you see see so many commercials of television of girlfriends "bonding", just hanging together, but VERY few commercials showing MALE buddies together, with no women present.

Too, look how how GIRLFRIENDS can be close "pals", and there is nothing suspect.

If two MALES are close buddies with one another, enjoying just "hanging" with each other, on the other hand, that "gay" stigma always is on the horizon.

Oh, I forgot, REAL men don't show ANY emotion towards other MEN...."too queer".

I guess "lesbians" do not exist.

Funny, how f/f friendships are to be celebrated, while close m/m friendships are almost always "suspect".

Too many straight guys think that the ONLY place to "bond" with other males is at a strip club or a sports bar.

This "double-standard" bullshit has always been a VERY sore point with me.

Oh, and I almost forgot:

REAL men dont' CRY, NOR do thery show even the SLIGHTEST hint of intimate feelings with another man......again, "too queer".

What "PUB" ("Pure Unadulterated Bullshit")

Forgive my "rambling"............

 

It's too easy to mistake male bonding for homosexuality - who here hasn't heard of the bromance and the implication that the bros are absolutely fucking each other? Do we need to bond? Debatable but it doesn't change the fact that when men do decide to 'really' interact with each other, bonding can occur albeit not to an extent where either guy starts thinking that their friendship is gay. If women bond - and they do bond - people tend to slap the lesbian label on them so, yeah, lesbians do exist but not all bonded female friends are sexually or romantically interested in each other... although, who hasn't heard that all it takes is a few glasses of wine for that to change?

Do men really bond in strip clubs? I don't really know - I've only been in a strip club once and what I saw wasn't what I'd call male bonding unless you consider watching women dancing and taking their clothes off for dollar bills a bonding moment. If anything, it was an example of how hormone crazed men are as I saw a couple of guys in their respective booths jerking off while eyeballing the women on stage.

The double standard is what it's always been and, yes, it's bullshit - but it is also very much in line with the angst and prohibition against male homosexuality and keep in mind that ancient cultures had enclaves of women who studied the ways of Sappho and as mandated by the gods so even back then, it was okay for the ladies to do each other, not okay for the men to do each other but history is rife with stories of male homosexuality being allowed and accepted as normal behavior for men; it wasn't until the advent of Christianity that the prohibition against all homosexual acts came into existence.

A lot of our problem as men comes from the bullshit we're taught regarding what a man's supposed to do and what he's not supposed to do, like cry or show any emotion other than anger and the emotional damage done by reinforcing this nonsense is unbelievable - and women can't understand why we are - or appear to be - emotionally closed off: It's because it's what we're taught in order to be a real man and, yes, the slightest hint of intimate feelings - including bonding - with a guy was considered to be very queer and if you had a close friendship with a guy, again, they were both faggots who were sucking and fucking each other, the perverts.

Our social norms pretty much fucked us all up and that includes the mandate of monogamous relationships and especially marriages and many a male and female bisexual has suffered mightily being crushed by this unreasonable standard of relational behavior and to the extent that unmarried people in a relationship are held to the same standards as married people. It leaves a bisexual in this situation in dire straits and caught up between not doing anything and, um, doing something and most married bisexuals choose to do nothing lest they seriously violate the rules by committing act of adultery... although in some interpretation of these rules, if "Bob" has sex with "Ken" and they're both married - and despite it being gay - it's considered to not be infidelity because neither man had sex with a woman who wasn't his woman.

Indeed, I have heard both men and women cite this and incorrectly so but, you see, when the rules do not give you an out or any kind of recourse to resolve an issue, you create one and, yeah, one that serves the double standard more than anything else but all you have to do is read the forum entries here of the many men who want to have sex with a man... but he doesn't want to cheat on his wife and hurt her feelings but allowing his own feelings to get a good, swift kick in the balls... because that's what real men do. We now have ethical non-monogamy or negotiated infidelity where couples have invoked this workaround to being unreasonably monogamous when not being monogamous would, in fact, be better for the relationship and those involved in it but the problem for many bisexuals is the continued belief in the sanctity of marriage and then, when married, there's the legal shit to be considered that makes men keep it in their pants and women keeping their legs closed... as far as anyone knows.

So, we can rale against the system; we can rage against the machine; or we can work toward being able to do what is needed or, yeah, having your cake and eating it, too, which I know for a fact doesn't make the cake taste bad at all. This is the point in things where a bisexual either continues to comply with a set of rules that prevents them from really being bisexual or a bisexual says, "Fuck it... I gotta do what I gotta do and to hell with the consequences..." because some bisexuals do break the rules out of a sense of self-preservation: It's either do this or go insane and I'm not exaggerating when I say that men and women who do nothing are the ones winding up in therapy due to their belief in the rules and believing that there is no reason to break them.

And that, friends, is PUB and of the highest order...