A question for married bisexual men

In highly-sensitive situations such as this, the "open-mindedness" (or lack thereof) of a bi man's wife will indeed be revealed (for better or worse).

The husband can only pray that his "deck of cards" are stacked in his favor........

 

I think I was alraedy bisexual when I met my wife. I was curious about men but nothing in comparison to today. Back then I was still kidding myself that I was straight. Technically I still am since I have not sucked a cock yet. If I had been any more into cock back then I would have told her about it. I don’t think it is fair for your wife to discover that the man of your life would actually prefer to be in bed with a man. Life is all about choices. If you prefer cock young, you will always prefer cock.

 

There are, of course, no "hard and fast" rules for bi married men to follow.

So much comes into play:

The open-mindedness of the bi husband's spouse.

The overall state of the marriage.

The strength of the urges the husband encounters of wanting to have sex with another male.

No bisexual married man should deny his urges to have sex with other men...........as long as he uses both common sense and discretion, and, perhaps most importantly, is TOTALLY honest with himself on WHAT he TRULY desires, and cannot deny himself.......

 

Basically speaking, a bisexual married male has one foot in two different worlds.

It can be (from accounts I've read here) quite rewarding and fulfilling, but also, it can be a rocky, uncertain journey, where many uxpected twists and turns are encountered........

 

A bisexual man (married or single) is wise to remember: "Hey, my sexuality is WHO and WHAT I am......I DIDN'T make myself this way. I'm going to handle my life and desires the way I want." (ditto, gay males)

Of course, having a wife who might NOT be understanding of your true sexuality might NOT be OK with the situation, but, hey, you are talking about YOURSELF and WHO you are.

Just exercise discretion, common sense, and at least TRY to fulfill your desires as best you can......

 

Yeah, that might be easier said than done! One may not have "asked" to feel the way they're feeling but one does make the decision to do something about those feelings so, yeah, one does kinda/sorta make themselves this way. Being able to have this land on you and you can understand the complexities of sexuality and as it now applies to you isn't all that simple although you'd think that the adult mind would be better at this since adults almost routinely deal with a lot of very complex things. A lot of guys have these feelings - and feelings they've never had before - and they're trying to (a) figure out where the fuck they came from and (b) how to get rid of them because, bluntly, they're fucking shit up and causing a lot of internal confusion.

Some guys get it right away and handle it; accordingly, some guys just don't get it, tend to not handle things all that well and other guys freak the hell out to find that they have "gay feelings" so being able to put things into perspective isn't that simple or easy... and having a partner doesn't make it any easier. It took me years to put it all together and into a perspective that made the most sense to me and to go along with the sexual experiences I was having on the guy side of things before I could truly say that this is who and what I am and I'm going to do what I gotta do. Experience has taught me about discretion and employing common sense while fulfilling my desires (not trying - doing) and the biggest lesson learned is just because I can do it doesn't mean that I always have to.

What you said isn't wrong - it's what bisexual and even gay men should strive to achieve for themselves and not be all that worried about what society is going to think about them and their sexuality; on the whole, society doesn't much give a fuck what your sexuality is unless you give it a reason to be all up in your business. And it's okay to be okay about who and what you are... but there are those who are not going to be okay with it and you must be mindful of this and there's a reason why guys in a relationship aren't of a mind to tell girlfriend or wifey about stuff he's been thinking and feeling that doesn't have anything to do with her... or women. Common sense ain't gonna help you with this and way too many guys have found that the truth has set them free... and in ways they didn't want to be free.

 

KD23:

Once again, you show us just how "complex" things can get for bisexual males, especially if they are married.

Indeed, "common sense" would seem to go "hand in hand" with "honesty", BUT, as I have learned from your profound words of wisdom over the past many months, in many instances, "common sense" and "honesty" might NOT be the tools to use in potentially-dicey situations.

Too, as you also correctly stated, bi/gay men might INDEED be QUITE comfortable of who (and what) they are (and, indeed, sHOULD be).....BUT that certainly does NOT mean that EVERYONE will be willing to ACCEPT your sexuality, whether it be wife, family, or even friends you THINK will be in your corner, supporting you all the way.

Yeah, it CAN get QUITE confusing and convulted, for sure..............

(btw: LIKE your new avitar!)

 

Why, thank you!

 

My pleasure!

Always nice to see people SMILING, in this insane day and age!

 

IF you LIKE what you LIKE regarding sexuality (REGARDLESS of persuasion)............AND it makes you HAPPY......then SMILE!!!!!!!!!!

And DON'T give a rat's ass what ANYONE else has to say....hey, it's YOUR life, after all!

 

Yep, it's your life... unless you're married and, as such, your life belongs to your spouse; you are expected and required to sacrifice all that you are for her/him, without fail and without exception until death do you part (and in some cultures, not even death means the end of the marriage) or you get a divorce (except for those cultures whose religion doesn't allow divorce). On the real, I do not give a fuck with anyone else has to say about my bisexuality and I invite them to either kiss my Black ass or to suck my dick (whichever they might prefer to do) and many have learned not to fuck with me about it. But not every guy has my attitude about this and mine fits me to a T - but might not fit others so, yeah, don't do what I do unless you don't want to be married anymore, okay?

If a wife can tell a husband, "You're not the boss of me!" - and, traditionally, he actually is - then a husband should be able to say the same to a wife who is 100% that she's the boss of him... and not many husbands can do that and live to talk about it and still be with her and life goes on. Some guys try to do just that and... get cut off at the knees or otherwise emasculated. I've seen wives invoke the double standard - they can go sleep with a woman, but hubby better not even think about sleeping with anyone who isn't her... and you might not be getting that pussy like you used to get it. Guys try to pull this one off, too, but they're not always successful because pussy has great power, and women know how to wield it with and to deadly effect.

As I have heard from some gay men in relationships, cock... doesn't have a lot of power like that and I know of a few instances where a gay man found that getting some pussy really ain't all that bad - and they still identify as gay but one guy told his partner about this - and stood his ground and his right to change his mind about his sexuality - and... their whole relationship got nuked. A damned shame whenever this happens but this is all because of the rules of being in a relationship continue to hold sway over everyone and trying to break away from them often ends in disaster for someone, oh, like telling you wife that it's your life and if you want to suck cock from time to time, it's his decision to make and she's not the boss of him and... she proved that she was.

 

KD23:

Once again, VERY well said, and, again as usual, providing much in the way of keen observations and common sense...............

 

I got married young, 20 years old. At that age I didn’t know how to process how I felt about men being sexually attractive to me. I was also very attracted to women. I had lots of sex at home but I still was attracted to men also. I didn’t tell my wife and she to this day has no idea. What started as a curiosity that was easy enough to not think about gradually became stronger and stronger to the point I couldn’t ignore it and by that time sex at home was waining and it seemed like the logical next step. At this point I’ve settled into my bisexuality being in the closet with only the men I’ve had sex with knowing.

 

For a lot of men who get set adrift by a wife no longer interested in sex, having sex with a guy... is just logical and I've never been sure of why that is when the next logical step is to find another woman to have sex with even if on the side. Ah, but a lot of guys see this as cheating but maybe don't consider taking a male lover as cheating since it's not being done with a woman and that... satisfies a certain logic? I don't know - I just know that many guys get settled into bisexuality because it just makes all the sense in the world once the pussy goes away...

 

KD23:

Let's just saw that, for a married male, a having a steady "FWB" translates into a "friendship with "fringe benefits".........

("Male-bonding" at its FINEST!")

 

Oh, I understand that; it's comfortable, convenient, and most of all, presumed the safer option if you can convince a guy that such an arrangement would be in his best interests and that's provided he doesn't have a problem having sex with a guy as well as establishing what will be a relationship with some deep feelings. Almost every guy I personally know wants an FWB... and few of them are willing to do what it takes to develop such an important relationship or, like I once said to thepapasmurph, if you're not willing to interview guys for the position, what are you really doing? I get the angst toward NSA sex these days and I get that great sense of stranger danger that has made being able to get with someone more than problematic but if you do - and with the purpose of interviewing a guy for the position - at the very least, you're still getting laid instead of sitting on your ass complaining about not being able to find someone to be your FWB.

The friendship must be established first... and the offer of benefits comes later once (a) you know each other better and (b) a level of trust has been established. The thing here is that unless the guy you're pursuing is someone who is already known to you, you can never really know if a guy who catches your eye - or you've caught his - can be The One or not and he's nothing more than a nice time in bed. Otherwise, that cherished and preferred FWB isn't going to just fall into your lap and if you do nothing to find someone you can cultivate into the role, guess what you won't be doing?

I don't pretend to understand how not getting any more pussy turns into, "I gotta get some dick!" and I understand why guys want an FWB. Married guys have to do a lot of work to meet, befriend, and cultivate an FWB, though...

 

".......the friendship must be established first......"

In TOTAL agreement, here.

IF your potential "FWB" is "clicking" with you on key points, and your friendship is growing stronger, and you are finding there is, indeed, a good "compalibility" between you, after a period, THAT is when you make your "move" to the next level, the level where your "platonic" buddy crosses the line and becomes your regular, steady "FWB".

IMHO, I do not think it would be too wise to "male a move" on the friend until you've established some sort of a friendship, one in which you are both enjoying each other's company, and then, take it from there...........

 

Some friendships get to a point where the friends having sex... makes sense. The "trick" or "problem" of this is how long does it take to reach this point... and can it be reached at all? Some guys, upon becoming friends, just click with each other right away while others may go through a lengthy "feeling out" process to establish the things they have in common and to build trust that could take years to reach - and to figure out if he'd be open to a more personal kind of friendship or not. Looking for a "like-minded" guy may or may not be that easy since guys have different "criteria" for what constitutes an FWB so "Jeff" and "Larry" could both be in the market for an FWB, but they have two different views of what this means - and, sometimes, it's better to become friends before becoming lovers.

Or, as something that came to my attention says, women look for a relationship and find sex; men look for sex and find a relationship and this, apparently, isn't just applicable when men and women are looking to be with each other but it's not unusual for a guy to look for that friendship relationship that develops into having sex... but how long does this take and, importantly, methinks, how long can you be patient when it comes to developing the friendship and building the trust so that you can get to the point where you can ask him, in some kind of way, how he feels about things M2M - and with the awareness that he might have two answers to any such questions. One is his public answer which may or may not be favorable and the other is his private answer which also may or may not be favorable and you have to figure out which is which and... this and so many other things is what makes finding and establishing an FWB situation not all that easy because the friendship, at least in theory, has to be established first.

And going through all of this with the high-level thought of... you could be wrong about him. Or if both of you are in the market for an FWB, you might not be able to come to a unified meaning of what FWB means and what the benefits are or should be and... this shit gets complicated, doesn't it? It gets even more complicated when you factor in one's ability to make new friends or, yeah, you've been friends with "Jeff" for ten or twenty years and you're now feeling some kind of sexy way about him but... how do you steer conversations in that direction? How will he react to this topic coming up and especially if it's never come up before? You know Jeff and you know a lot about him and his life... but you might not know how he really feels about M2M stuff.

Trying to get an FWB - or trying to take an existing friendship to this next level - is... risky. Not for the faint of heart or someone who lacks patience or someone who is terrified over being outed - and this is critical because you're going to have to out yourself at some point and, yes, even to a guy who's also in the market for an FWB and that just makes sense, right? Right. I would... forget the fantasy of having an FWB and try to ground myself in some realities like understanding that you can fail to establish this and even with a like-minded guy. Or you're thinking that it's going to go a certain way and you think he's onboard with your version of this.... then he gets his own ideas of how this should go and that may or may not be a good thing for either of you.

I'm not saying that if you want an FWB that you shouldn't pursue one... but this can be harder than you think it is and I'm someone who has the nerve to tell you this seeing as how I've seen guys try to do this and the way things crashed and burned were beyond ugly - and I have my own experiences in this that have been glorious... and of the "why did I want this from him" variety being rebuffed and other unpleasant shit. And if you're not prepare to deal with some "worst case" stuff, you might want to rethink asking a friend - new or old - if he'd be interested in the benefit of having sex with you.

GG57, you can establish a friendship; you can enjoy each other's company immensely; that doesn't mean that taking things to the next step - having sex - can even be broached - or should be. Just because you enjoy each other's company, all that could mean is... you enjoy each other's company. You might want more from him but, again, what you don't know is... does he want more from you? And if he does, can you imagine that he's feeling "leery" about bringing this up as you are? How can you tell if he'd be amiable to this?

You ask him and he says that he's down for it. You can't trust how he behaves or stuff like that because, shit, I've had friends give off "signs" that they'd like some benefits and... nope, not even. Likewise, I've had friends who never gave off any "signs" and found out that, hmm, you know, he's been wondering what that would be like and... you can't count on or believe anything other than what he might say... when you ask him if he'd be interested in some extra benefits with you. And if you're afraid to ask, well, I don't know what to tell someone who's looking for that elusive FWB.

 

KD23:

Once again, you bring up a number of valid and important points.

IF two men are indeed "tight as hell", friendship-wise, HOW does the friend looking to have sex with his buddy even BEGIN to approach the subject?

Subtle hints?

Casual small talk?

Whatever manner is employed, there is STILL the VERY real risk of your friend:

A: Cutting off the friendship entirely

B: Knocking your teeth out

C: Both of the above

OR, he can simply laugh it off, say "no, thanks", and simply move on, forgetting your "come on".

In any event, this is NOT somethng to be taken LIGHTLY, hell, know.

It can easily go EITHER way, and, of course. you have NO WAY of knowing HOW your friend will respond.

Take the situation SLOW.......don't rush it.......don't push it.

The last thing you want is for a good friendship to be ruined, or for a dislocated jaw...........

 

Now we get into the gist of the FWB problem. I've flipped between being direct and subtle hints during casual small talk and even sneaking in a hint or two if we're talking about sex. This is very likely the reason why so many married guys are looking for a "ready-made" FWB, someone they don't have to broach the subject with or try to figure out what they're going to do if A, B, or C winds up happening - or, yeah, he really does think that you're pranking him with this. Again, looking for the ready-made commonality is fine - nothing wrong with it - but what about the friendship part of FWB? It is said that it's bad form to be lovers first then trying to be friends and is probably why so many say that a relationship built on sex is no relationship at all. We can debate this one because it's true... and it isn't because it depends on some stuff.

And then, if this isn't fucked up enough already, one has to consider what getting an FWB is going to do to your marriage; will the wife just accept that you've made a new guy friend and one you will be spending time with? Will she - and as some women do - make sure that the two of you don't become good friends? Will she become suspicious of what you're doing when you're hanging out with him? Start going through your phone/computer looking for evidence of you cheating on her? Even having the temerity to ask why you're friends with him? Why you have to be spending so much time with him? Hell, is she going to insist on approving him so he can be your friend?

Even worse, are you going to allow her to tell you how you can be friends with him? What y'all can and can't do? Stuff like that? If she approves of you having an FWB, are the two of you going to okay with her telling you what sex you can't have with each other, i.e., y'all can blow each other but no anal sex or butt play of any kind? That one sucks if/when you two want to screw each other...

And if you haven't thought about any of these things, um, why haven't you? And if you haven't, you might want to think about it.