A Heartbeat

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by InTheFlesh, May 13, 2004.

  1. InTheFlesh

    InTheFlesh Member

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    A Heartbeat-
    A heartbeat keeps you alive,
    alive to tick away your time.
    I went to my friend bigotry,
    said it doesn't mean anything at all.

    I walked through the grass,
    and talked to the trees,
    I was really lied to,
    said they held all the keys.

    How much do you have to give?
    How longer will I live?
    How many heartbeats away from death?

    Will you dig me a grave?
    Will you play my favorite songs
    at my funeral?
    We don't have that long.

    Please don't kill me now,
    I need more time to live,
    more money to spend,
    more love to give.

    A heartbeat is just step one.
    The least important to some.
    Just leave some heartbeats to live.
     
  2. InTheFlesh

    InTheFlesh Member

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    This is my first one up here. Any feedback would be great and highly appriciated.
     
  3. Fractual_

    Fractual_ cosmos factory

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    not only did you rate your own poetry, but you only gave it 2 stars!

    sup with that?
     
  4. know1nozme

    know1nozme High Plains Drifter

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    Hard to know what to say. I'm not well versed in poetic criticism.

    Shows promise. Introspective, existential... But it inspires no strong feeling in me. That may mean nothing. I can identify with the work, but (for me) it doesn't really transcend the words it is made up of, though it comes close in a few parts. Like:

    "Will you dig me a grave?
    Will you play my favorite songs
    at my funeral?"

    There is something in there, something living just beneath the surface, like a chrysalis. A strange thing to mention an object associated with rebirth linked to a pair of questions about death, but it's not a comment on the subject matter so much as what it says about the author.

    That's the best I can give you. Keep writing.
     
  5. InTheFlesh

    InTheFlesh Member

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    I thought it'd be cool to have some stars by my poem. I'm constantly writing stuff in school, so I will probably have another up here shortly.
     

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