A Heartbeat

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by InTheFlesh, May 13, 2004.

  1. InTheFlesh

    InTheFlesh Member

    A Heartbeat-
    A heartbeat keeps you alive,
    alive to tick away your time.
    I went to my friend bigotry,
    said it doesn't mean anything at all.

    I walked through the grass,
    and talked to the trees,
    I was really lied to,
    said they held all the keys.

    How much do you have to give?
    How longer will I live?
    How many heartbeats away from death?

    Will you dig me a grave?
    Will you play my favorite songs
    at my funeral?
    We don't have that long.

    Please don't kill me now,
    I need more time to live,
    more money to spend,
    more love to give.

    A heartbeat is just step one.
    The least important to some.
    Just leave some heartbeats to live.
  2. InTheFlesh

    InTheFlesh Member

    This is my first one up here. Any feedback would be great and highly appriciated.
  3. Fractual_

    Fractual_ cosmos factory

    not only did you rate your own poetry, but you only gave it 2 stars!

    sup with that?
  4. know1nozme

    know1nozme High Plains Drifter

    Hard to know what to say. I'm not well versed in poetic criticism.

    Shows promise. Introspective, existential... But it inspires no strong feeling in me. That may mean nothing. I can identify with the work, but (for me) it doesn't really transcend the words it is made up of, though it comes close in a few parts. Like:

    "Will you dig me a grave?
    Will you play my favorite songs
    at my funeral?"

    There is something in there, something living just beneath the surface, like a chrysalis. A strange thing to mention an object associated with rebirth linked to a pair of questions about death, but it's not a comment on the subject matter so much as what it says about the author.

    That's the best I can give you. Keep writing.
  5. InTheFlesh

    InTheFlesh Member

    I thought it'd be cool to have some stars by my poem. I'm constantly writing stuff in school, so I will probably have another up here shortly.

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