A guy walks into a bar

A CIA recruiter has 3 candidates in mind to fill one high level top secret position in the organization, two are male and one is female.

In order to determine which candidate can follow orders he asks them to perform a task to the best of their ability.

He hands the first male a gun and says “we’ve kidnapped your wife, she’s in the next room and we want you to shoot her” The first male say’s “I love my wife I can’t shoot her, I’m sorry. I'm leaving.

The second male is also handed a gun and told his wife is in the next room, and he must shoot her to prove he can follow orders. “The second males says “ My wife is my life, I can't do” The recruiter says “then go home and take your wife with you - you’re not CIA material”

The remaining female is handed a gun and told “her husband is in the next room and you must shoot him to prove you’re the right person for the job” The female enters the room and the recruiter hears the gun discharge, followed by another shot, and another, until the bullets are spent. There’s a moment of silence followed by crashing and banging, someone must be tearing the place apart. The female exits the room 5 minutes later and says “why didn’t you tell me the bullets were blanks, I had to beat my husband to death with a chair”

 

Guy walks onto a bar for 1 pint on way home after a gruelling 5 weeks of constant 12 hour shifts for a pint. Missus goes up the wall and says it's a problem you cannot drive past without stopping. 10 minutes chat with friends ive known so my life then straight home. Not very often but since in relationship I do drink more n house where as I have used to as I had option myself of pub or night in. Now the option is gone so yes I now I am drinking more at home. If I come off a few twelve hour shifts and stopp for one ir two max on way home and not have the massive grief and abuse over it the perhaps I'd be happier walking home and a can would last thing on my mind. I work on average 60 hours a week.

 

have we shifted from jokes to venting about real life frustrations?

 

Guy walks onto a bar for 1 pint on way home after a gruelling 5 weeks of constant 12 hour shifts for a pint. Missus goes up the wall and says it's a problem you cannot drive past without stopping. 10 minutes chat with friends ive known so my life then straight home. Not very often but since in relationship I do drink more n house where as I have used to as I had option myself of pub or night in. Now the option is gone so yes I now I am drinking more at home. If I come off a few twelve hour shifts and stopp for one ir two max on way home and not have the massive grief and abuse over it the perhaps I'd be happier walking home and a can would last thing on my mind. I work on average 60 h

Yes it seems so. Lol. I apologise. Fully vented now.

 

nothing wrong with a little venting, i've been caught doing it myself a time or two.

 

Fella walking along the street saw an advert saying 'postal sperm-donors required'.

Being of a helpful mind,he came in a Jiffy.

[i was told that one in a bar,so it counts]

 

Fella walks into a bar, takes out his communicator and says, "Beam me up Scotty, - I'm in the wrong film"

 

A chicken walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve chickens here. Try the place across the road.”

An egg walks into a bar, looks around and sees the place is empty. The egg says to the bartender, “Looks like I beat everyone here this morning.” Bartender says, “Not really. The chicken came first.”

An empty bottle walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re already drunk.”

A five dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, this is a singles bar.”

A pile of trash walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey, didn’t I throw you out yesterday?”

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The Screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"

A potato walks into a bar and all eyes were on him!

Two guys are walking their dogs, a black lab and a Chihuahua. Passing a bar, the "lab" walker says, "Let's get a beer." The other: "We can't take our dogs in there." The first: "Watch." In he goes and orders a beer. "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." "He's my seeing eye dog." "Oh. Sorry. Here's your beer." The other guy follows, orders a beer. Same response: No dogs allowed. "He's my seeing eye dog." "Yeah, right. A Chihuahua? Give me a break." And the guy says, "They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!"

 

I once went out to coffee with a few friends, and one guy couldn't get the joke "Three guys walked into a bar. The fourth one ducked."

This other guy was trying to explain it to him. But I'm not sure the guy who couldn't get the joke understood the meaning of the word "literally" either. So it was difficult to explain to him that you were literally talking about walking into a bar, like a pole.

He just didn't seem to grasp how a bar could be a horizontally suspended pole. To him a bar was an establishment you went into for beers. If you had shown him like, a candy bar, and said, "Would you agree this is a bar of chocolate?" I'm sure he would have agreed. But then he would stipulate that a bar of chocolate wasn't a place where you get beers, so how could you walk into a bar. And he would become convinced that the joke was about walking into a bar of chocolate, but then he still didn't get why they ducked. But as far as a horizontally suspended bar of anything other than chocolate goes, he could not grasp walking into it.

It was like the first sentence of the joke and his immediate and eternal understanding of it as a place where you get beer were all that registered with him. Most peculiar.

 

A white horse walks into a bar.

The barman says "There's a lot of pubs named after you around here!"

The horse says "Really? My names Eric!"