If I would let myself..this could easily make me cry. That's a compliment. I know this, I've felt this, I feel this and as much as it hurts, there is beauty in pain.
aww honey dont cry! this is frustrating for sure, but what can you do? write it out, i guess, and keep going...
(untitled as of yet) its dark like no moon at midnight, burnt out lights, the crawl space under the basement stairs, and how long should i stare? will my eyes adjust? groping lighthouse strobes: feeling for the door, feeling for the wall, for the end of it all- and the hum of the air: it shrinks and swells, shrinks and swells, with the breath of oceans in seashells- and if you're looking to the horizon just past the point where the waves crest and break, you'll see me unanchored and floating there: not face-up toward shore, but face-down toward something more...
i like this untitled one, the last line is a tricky but powerful the description of feeling for the wall, will my eyes adjust, etc. makes me feel like im in a black maze feeling for the exit and zenith is beautiful i love the word magma
thanks hawkins...did you read the final version of it? i've edited it like eight times since i've been sitting here! haha magma...reminds me of dr. evil all of a sudden!
im new here. some of the work that traffics through here is good. if not good, it's certainly poetry. If you feel like you're interested in submitting and reading work from young writers with similar expressions, you should check out The Lost Poets Society. any submissions would help us get are feet on the ground. Also, everything you submit WILL be featured on the site. www.myspace.com/lpsociety thanks so much, & happy writing. -Matt, LPS
lol HOT LIQUID MAGMA! i think i read the final ver? you should put something about searching for the lightswitch and the onamonaptia or however u spell it buzz is sweet
thats funny, i had a lightswitch line in there at one point and i took it out, i thought it might be too obvious.... and sorry, i edited the buzz line...thank you though!
Revised: Like Drowning Teetering on the horizon, just past the point where waves crest and break, I'm unanchored and floating there- not face-up toward shore, but face-down toward something more: a darkness like starless midnights, like the burnt out lights of a ship submerged; sunk by the gold it holds... Above, the lighthouse strobe is persistent as tidal sway, and the hum of the air: it shrinks and swells, shrinks and swells, like the breath of the ocean in seashells.
Hide and Seek When I was Daddy's Sweetpea, still blooming, and mustache-prickle kisses tasted like English toffee and Swisher Sweets, we went on hide-and-seek safaris. Sawdust and motor-oil hands hid his dawn-blue eyes, he played my metronome, sounding off seconds slowly. In his closet jungle I pushed through knit sweater underbrush, and monkey swung across hanger branches. Mom's wedding veil tickled my cheek like spider-webs. I squeezed into the darkest corner and became the moon boots and wool overcoat, silently slipping into a new itchy skin. Peering through button holes shaped like eyes, my heart twittered with the closet-crickets chirping. Still as dust on the shelves I waited for Daddy to give up looking for me. I've hidden so long the mothballs at my feet will not cover the musty stench of me. My metronome still sounds off seconds slowly, and every pore listens for the cigarette-tarred rasp of his breathing near...
like drowning is fucking beautiful maN! its my new favorite on the forums im gonna go read it again after i post this and hide and seek is great too the imagery and similies are fantastic
I just read 'Like Drowning' and it made the hairs stand up along my arms. It's amazing. It's so much better than the original version. To be honest, I didn't really like the original that much. I mean, there were some good lines and ideas but it seemed to lack flow and some of the iimages like the crawlspace etc. seemed a little out of place. The revised version is great. It's way more polished as a poem, coherent, readable, enjoyable, the list goes on. Even as I'm writing this, I re-read it to pick out some pieces that I like, and shivers danced along my spine and up my neck again. There is so much I like about it. As always, you finish the poem superbly. If I could steal one of your talents, that would be it, the ability to finish a poem so well. Your work seems to be improving all the time. I wish I had some sort of workshop thingy. Sometimes I feel like a stagnant pool. I need somebody to stir me up a bit. I will come back to the other new poem as I am really tight for time at the moment. Peace, A.
thanks guys, as always your comments are appreciated! and yeah...that original version of "like drowning" had no focus yet, i tend to do that a lot, just spill ideas and not really refine it into actual poetry... red...next time you feel a poem of mine lacks flow and has imagery out of place, please, please, tell me so...i can only fix it if i know whats not working!
thanks everyone, you're all too nice! please tell me when something's not working though...i'm trying to get better at writing...
"Secrets Under the Acorn's Cap," a short fiction story was here...i posted revisions outside in the writer's forum if you're interested...
'He thought she looked like a goddess standing there; he had never seen one up close, but when she would turn to look back at him, the golden glow of her aura lit her face and reflected in her wide-set green eyes. Her stringy arms, pale from winter, wrapped under her round tummy, long fingers entwined, cradling their unborn baby. I bet she’ll be a good mom, he thought. She gazed eastward, out over the hills like pond ripples, low and steady.' Right now, I'm lingering... allowing the ripe and fragrant images to expand... perhaps, I'll be able to find some flaw at another point.
