A cry for help..I guess..

@ Wizardofodd : Thank you very much for your kind words. Appreciate it a lot

@ NoxiousGas : I have nothing to say to you other than, I wish I was trolling and I wish this all was just a silly joke..I really do After all this kind of "doubt" that people give to those who were abused is exactly the reason why most of them never speak out about it ever.

@ AmericanTerrorist : You summed up in your words the reason why I always hesitated to post my problem because I always knew someone would be too caught up in their own "perfect" life and delusions to believe or think that someone else has been through a hell lot worse than they ever have. Conspiracy theroy much maybe? I donno.

 

Well I'm glad to see that you have returned.
This site gets a few of these type of posts almost daily that are complete and utter fabrications, so please do understand my skepticism.

and trust me darlin' my life is very, very, very far from perfect. LOL

My father was a cheating asshole with whom the majority of my interaction with entailed getting my ass kicked. Now when I notice ways/how I look like him when looking in the mirror, I get a sense of self-loathing and despise MYSELF for looking like him.
kinda fucked up, I know.

so you are not the only one carrying around some boulders in their backpack.

I wish I could offer magic words of advice to speed your healing, but the most I can offer is just don't let what happened to you control and dictate who you are now.
I know it's much easier said then done, but you recognizing the ways that these past events are currently impacting your life is the first step.

Do you have people/someone whom you can confide in in person?

 

On the trolling subject

It's my assumption that many posts on the forums are troll posts.

I don't object to trolling as long as it doesn't get too out of hand. If someone is so lonely, bored, or in need of feeling clever, I don't see any reason to begrudge them that (up to a point).

At least a simple kind word is always a good idea, imo, for posts about abuse/trauma/personal distress because:

1. There is some chance that the post is genuine

2. If you make the troll accusation or get harsh with an OP, other people who actually have gone through some kind of abuse and need help are much less likely to post. If they see positive responses, they will be more likely to post. The damage caused by feeding a troll is more or less zero. The damage caused by flaming the OP on an abuse thread, troll or not, is potentially huge.

3. Someone who would never post about abuse or trauma could read a thread, even if the OP is a troll, and get some useful information. They might also feel a little less alone and a little more supported if they believe that someone has gone through something similar, and that people actually care and want to help.

Even if 90% or more of abuse threads are fake, the number of people who have actually suffered abuse is greater than the number of fake threads out there.

I see trolls as being kind of like digestive tract bacteria. The wrong kinds can be bad, but the right kinds are actually useful if they don't proliferate too much.

 

well they don't call me NoxiousGas for nothing

but seriously, point taken and being delivered to the self-scrutiny dept. as we speak for further consideration....:2thumbsup:

 

It's painful, and this pain is going to be your normal for a while. I think years of talk therapy will help. They'll teach you how to not internalize the blame, and instead make those that committed the acts have to own them. It might involve confronting them for apology and remorse, but likely it will be a shift in your own head that places the shame on them where it belongs.

 

You're welcome! Any time. Welcome to the forum. Don't be shy.

 

@ NoxiousGas : I do understand, don't worry And I'm very sorry to hear what you've gone through with your father. I'm sure it will get better
Oh, and no I don't have anyone to confide in..I have what you'd call trust issues I guess.

@ calgirl : The problem with me is that I have so much of an ego to be talking about it to anyone even if someone I barely know (look it took me about 20 years to talk about it to anonymously on the internet and it didnt make me feel any better) I hate for anyone even if its a therapist to see any weakness in me. I know its not right but I hope I can just be able to do it one day..

 

I'm sorry to learn you'll not seek out help. For 20 years you've seen how difficult it is, so it's not likely to get easier. No one will ever know or judge you to be weak. Those that are outside of our own thoughts and feelings just aren't in a position to draw conclusions. Face your fears. It's the only way.

 

Mmmmm hmmm, there are other possibilities, could just be a guy trolling for all we know, but lets give her the benefit of the doubt, she is 25 and female, and if thats the case, you know from this alone:

She is not being truthful. And how is it you know that?

If its a girl, you cant push it, cant call her on it, ends up sounding mean, you end up sounding like an asshole, thus everyones behaviour is defined by that.

What it really means is the exact opposite of "all males of course" . By that I dont mean what you think I mean, the complicated part comes, in that 'exact opposite' can mean in half a dozen different directions. Only in real life is it a lot easier to spot which of those directions will she actually cares more about, and she wont go near those that can trip her up anyway

 

I am genuinely and thoroughly confused here. I hope you are not trying to say those things about me.... you know, that I'm so caught up in my own "perfect" life and don't think anyone has any issues worse than anything I've ever been through? Because if so I have no idea at all why you would say that to me. Believe me, I am not caught up in my "perfect" life because I do not think my life is perfect. I have gone through A LOT of shit in my life... some really bad things that I had to work through- to fight through- in order to get over them and build myself up and make myself stronger. And I'm still not always strong but I have worked really hard.

In any case, I know plenty of people have gone through worse things than me. It's not a competition anyways. But I have been through bad things myself. Lots of people have. So dunno why anyone would think that I don't believe anyone has been through worse than me.

I'm so confused so if you wouldn't mind please letting me know what you meant by your post to me? Thanks!

 

I took her post to mean she appreciated what you posted.

 

In that case, cool.

If that was the case, OP, you're welcome.

I really just could not tell what she meant at all!

 

I think her remarks about people with "perfect lives" was surreptitiously directed at me, and I accepted it as such.

 

OK.....

and now you've lost us...

 

Yea, hm, re-reading what she wrote I just don't know. Confused really.

I almost said something to VG about not understanding at all his point. But the things is, I don't know if I'm just brain dead or if he writes the way he does intentionally for this to happen... but the thing is, I rarely understand totally what point he's trying to get at with his posts. I start to get it... continue to get it and then... he just loses me. I wish he would just come out and say whatever it is he's always trying to say.

 

it helps if you understand that he hates women.

 

Well, exactly becuase of this:

If I do try explain it, comes off really mean, and I'm the arsehole, even though I know she's trying to play you all, and you both kind of know that her neighbours,cousins, classmates, basically every male was trying to molest her when she was younger you both kind of know thats not true.

Its a lot easier to sniff out in real life, if it were true, then she should have no problem hanging around guys that arent going to want to molest her. But that wont happen cos she gets angry around guys that dont get excited

 

VG, please see the post above, especially point #2

There are some people who have gone through some horrific abuses, bad enough that it can be even hard to believe that such things have happened.

I'd rather respond positively to 1,000,000 troll posts than risk attacking a genuine poster, or risk making a thread reader reluctant to post their own thread.

Please be a good monkey, and I'll +rep you.

 

I think you can shop around to see if there is a therapist that is a good fit.

Over time, you may be able to build enough trust with a therapist that you can start talking about what is going on. You can demand enough power and control over the process of therapy that you don't feel so vulnerable.

Another option might be to go to a survivor's support group, or to group therapy.

the info below might be worth looking into

-----------

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA)
Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse
PO Box 14477
San Francisco , CA 94114
Phone: (415) 928-4576
tmc_asca@dnai.com
http://www.ascasupport.org/
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) supports and assists survivors of child abuse to move on with their lives. In addition, ASCA was created with the intention of guaranteeing that all survivors of childhood abuse, regardless of their financial situation, have access to a program focused on recovery from childhood abuse, including physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse or neglect.

 

One thing that I def. agree with VG on is that it's much easier to tell certain things in real life.