A cry for help..I guess..

I'm 25 years old female..
I was molested a lot in my childhood (by cousins, neighbors and classmates) all males of course..
I only can develop feelings for other females therefore I call myself Gay and girls do turn me on..
I however find guys with nice bodies hot and attractive and I do think about big penises a lot..
I shut any attempt from any guy get closer to me even if he means well but I simply don't do boyfriends cuz I know I'll never TRUELY love any (even though I always thought it'd be nice to have a "perfect" husband knowing that I'll never get married anyways)..
I never watch Lesbian born, I only enjoy hardcore/fantasy rape/extreme porn (not bondage though)..
I masturbate watching the above and when I masturbate not watching porn I always think about same stuff..
I used to wish I was a guy and the things I always wanted to do to women as a guy are pretty rough but not in a rape kind of way..
I have a girlfriend, I'm not sure but I think I love her (90% of the time at least) I'm not so sure about how I sexually feel about her I think I want her sexually more than emotionally I don't know, our sex life is good I guess and frankly she's hot..
I think of sex 90% of the time..
I act, behave and seem quite normal in public to the point that it would seem hardly believable for someone like me to be all the above (I never admit any of this to anyone anyways)..

Now, can someone tell me what do they think is wrong with me ?! Because for sure I feel gravely messed up and I feel filthy and ashamed of myself most of the time and no idea what should I do..

Thanks in advance

 

I'm sorry you were molested...:grouphug: I don't have any advice but you are welcome here and maybe someone else will have some better words for you.

 

There is nothing wrong with you. It's called conditioning. You're not messed up or filthy and you have nothing to be ashamed of. What happened to you was messed up and filthy. The people who did that to you are messed up and filthy. But they aren't you. Those acts aren't you. You probably thought those things were filthy and wrong and when those acts fractured you....you internalized those feelings and started thinking those things about yourself. It probably did affect how you think about a lot of the other things but that's understandable.

Whether or not you're into girls or bondage, etc. isn't the problem. Do whatever you think feels good and don't feel bad about that. But you have to find a way to say "I was taken advantage of, if wasn't my fault, it doesn't own me and I'm no longer going to let it dominate my life." Right now, you still feel the way that you feel about yourself because those acts are still victimizing you again and again. Everyone is climbing a mountain in this life with a backpack full of rocks. Some are carrying many more rocks than others. When you allow a few rocks to fall to the ground where they belong....the climb gets a little lighter, easier and more fun. Let go of those rocks.

 

Thank you

 

good post by the wizard.

I guess the stock answer is therapy. hope that things can get better soon!

 

nice analogy, mind if I borrow it from time to time.

 

I have a lot of sympathy for people who have been through this type of abuse...
BUT a couple of things really stand out here

Being a victim of multiple people is a fairly rare thing. Usually it is confined to one offender.

and the rest is just highly suspect.
It really does fit a nice boilerplate template for a trolling post.
If so, why the fuck would someone troll a forum with this type of junk?
Call me an asshole or whatever, but I'm not buying it.


feel like a snack?

 

Borrow it anytime you want. Sometimes we get rid of rocks and then add more. We often carry rocks that should be carried by others (such as the OP in this thread) It's best when we let all rocks fall to the ground. Even if it's your own rocks...let go of them and release yourself from them. There are plenty of rocks on your path if you want to pick up more later. Seeing how many you can carry at once only tires you and makes you a poor climber on the mountain.

 

Might be a troll but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. I don't think people are always or even commonly abused by just one person. Abuse like that does a lot of things to you and part of that is making it easier for the next person to abuse you.

 

I'm all for giving folks the benefit of the doubt, but after almost 6 years that I've been a member, her post really is damn near a cut-n-paste boiler plate post.
It's her very first post.
It's got horrific abuse at the hands of many people.
It's got messed up sexual identification.
and it throws down a gauntlet as a final line to get the ball rolling, "tell me whats wrong with me" the finish to any good troll post.

True, she may be completely genuine and I'm an ass (well we already know that), but I really think the percentages are in my favor on this one.

I guess this would be the "give me sympathy" trolling post rather than an inflammatory one, but trolling none the less.

 

Noxious.... I was thinking the POSSIBILITY of the same thing as you and I still don't know.

But, wizard has a really good and often true point in what I quoted!
Sometimes when someone is a victim they subconsciously somehow (in various possible different ways) have a mentality about themselves or put themselves in situations, are drawn to certain people, etc. (tons of possibilities) that make similar situations more likely to occur.

I mean I'm not saying anything about when a person is younger cause I'm not an expert but with older females there a certain environments you can put yourself into and if you have a certain attitude (hard to explain and the possibilities, again, numerous..), you will likely run into guys looking for women who are.... vulnerable or unable in some way or another to do enough to control the situation.

It happens.

 

I know, I'm very attuned to the messed up shit we do to ourselves in an effort to "fix" whats ailing or out of kilter.
But like I said, too many bullet points that add up to troll post for me to take it as serious.

 

You're probably right.

I'm interested to see the OP's replies to this thread though to be able to ascertain more clearly what's the case here.

Oh and I don't really think this is the case here w this thread- probably not actually- but have any of you ever thought that there are probably some posts, made by someone with 1 or 2 posts- you know, the shocking type for a first posts....the type that is very often by a troll- has anyone else ever thought that there is probably, from time to time, a regular poster who has some kind of issue that they want to talk about here/get off their chest and get advice or what not, but they don't wanna do it on their regular name so they create a new account for a specific topic? I do think often it's trolls... sometimes it may be just lonely, desperate for advice people, but I have to believe that sometimes some of this stuff is a regular poster not wanting to use their regular name as well. Shrugs.

 

I'm just going to say that if she's a troll...I'm sure we will know. If she isn't....I'm sure we will also know. And to the OP.....please know that we get trolls all the time and if NG is wrong, I'm sure he will be the first to say so. If you're ligit, please feel free to keep posting as long as you'd like to. Reach out to people willing to try to help you.

 

Hmmm, never really considered that.
Great, now every time I see one of these fucked up posts I'm going to be wondering what member it really is...thanks

 

Yup. I have considered that. And I've also thought about people who stumble onto HF...ask a serious question and then decide to get a different login to post later. (For the record...this is the only login I've ever had )

 

you're welcome.

Hm I never even thought of that one but I'm sure that happens too.

And as for the first thing... I've never done it myself but I'm sure if I ever had a serious, very personal thing that I ever really wanted to get advice for here- I could see myself wanting to stay anonymous and doing that. But haven't thus far. lol.

 

Thinking...thinking.... so if some almost trollish type person stays for a while... not really a troll but you know, just someone that has issues and almost seems like a troll but they stay around for a while and make lots of posts. And then they stop posting...
Look for what new members show up in the next couple weeks and see if typing style is similar with any of them. Interesting. :mickey:

 

there have been a few times I suspected someone posting under an alter ego, but mods have access to the IP info, so often times they get found out.

I will admit this is my third HF identity, but only because the previous ones were "retired"

there have been a few memorable trolls here though.
There was one girl who literally made like 150+ posts in a 24 hour period, and just about every single one of them was an insult or inflammatory remark directed at anyone and everyone.
Can't remember her name now...

Then of course there are the plethora of the "I fucked my Siamese cat while my cousin watched and now I think I'm in love with my neighbors great dane." type of 1 post wonders.
Real Jerry Springer type material some of these.

 

I missed that one. Dammit!!