Hey Guys! I've been a peruser of these forums for a year or so and felt the need to join up and express myself in a safe place. I would love some advice or even just to hear from anyone who may be able to relate to my situation. Basically, I'm 24, still a virgin, and go through phases of being positive that I'm into women and then phases of denial. Any phase can last for as little as a week or long as a year. I'm an actress/comedian and I'd consider myself an extrovert. I love to socialise and I'm confident. I'm also attractive and I get male attention that I have never reciprocated. I'm not sure what I'd consider myself... definitely not femme but definitely not butch. I guess I'm kind of athletic body type wise. Put it this way, I'm definitely not 'clearly' a lesbian. This frustrates me, but I know that's a problem of my own. I need to conjure the confidence to approach a girl myself, without taking the backseat and waiting for it to happen to me.... although it's a lovely thought to entertain. I know I am definitely not comfortable with my sexuality. A girlfriend of mine actually said to me recently that she's never heard me say a single thing about a guy. I brushed it off. I remember being intrigued by my female teacher when I was about 6 and I always thought about her. The same happened with my grade 6 teacher. Then when I was 14 I had a friend from school over for a sleepover and much to my surprise, she started to feel me up and we ended up fingering each other (she was simply exploring, she has only had male partners to this day). I stayed at her place on another occasion and the same happened again. That was 10 years ago and the first and only experience I've had with a girl. The only 'sexual' experience I've had with a male was about 2 years ago after going on a 'date' and this guy dropped me off at home and kissed me. I wasn't interested and did not enjoy the kiss. The confusing part is the shame which comes with all of this. I think that's why I go back and fourth with my perception of my sexuality. I'm sure the shame comes from childhood abuse, which I can hardly bare to allow into my conscious thoughts. I feel anxiety creeping up simply at the thought of clicking post on this thread. I want nothing more than to be comfortable with myself and be able to go to a bar and flirt with a girl and feel a real emotional connection. I am actually just now realizing that I block out sexuality entirely. I think this is to spare my sanity. Truthfully, sometimes when I think about sex with either a woman or man, I feel physically ill. This, I can not think of a reason for... Can anyone relate to these feelings? I fear that staying this way will result in deep depression. I am comfortable with myself in every other aspect of my life. Thanks for listening, ladies. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts Clare.
Glad you posted, Clare. I'm not a Lesbian. My daughter is 29 and bi, although she's been in Lesbian relationships almost exclusively for the last 6 or 7 years. Some great girls will come by and answer your post. Until then, know that you are perfect as you are. Never doubt that.
You're welcome. I have lots of gay friends and family of both genders. I do some awareness work, and a little outreach work, but I know that you want to hear from girls who are living it.
If I were you, I would not feel pressured by myself. You say that thoughts of sex leave you uneasy right now. That's okay. Do you go out to lesbian bars with friends; or do you not go at all?
Yes I go out a fair bit! Mostly to bars and comedy shows. But I'm not even close to being out to anyone so unfortunately I haven't been to any lesbians bars! In terms of sex making me feel uneasy, it's a little complex. I only feel that was occasionally. A lot of the time I fantasize about being with a woman.
So go to the next town over and visit a lesbian bar. You don't have to go in like you're looking for a hook up. If you have to say, say that you're waiting on a friend who then bails on you and never makes it there. You might make some friends. If you don't then try another place on another day. Is that a possibility? Could you go somewhere just to learn some people and to get comfortable with yourself in that scene?
Definitely a possibility, just got to work up my courage to follow through with that! Thank you for the advice
Clare, do you have a close friend who would understand? Could you take her with you? The ladies in the clubs don't bite, not even on straight girls. I love my daughter's lesbian friends. They are just girls, just like you, who are or were all uncertain at first.
Haha you're right. Yes, I'm sure all of my female friends would understand. It's me who gets in the way! Working in the performing arts is probably the best industry to feel safe coming out in, but alas I get in my own way. Sounds like I might need to bite the bullet and confide in someone in order to move forward...!
Tell them all and go in a group. It'd be fun and best of all the lesbians at the club would totally get it and think you were all great!
I dealt with the same thing. I'm only 20 and I also was sexually abused as a child. For the longest my Parents thought that I was attracted to girl because of what had happened to me in the past but I have no hatred towards men or anything like that... They just aren't anything to me! All throughout highschool I never said I was gay or straight. Only date I ever went on was for prom and he was my best friend lol. I didn't have my first sexual experience til my freshman year of college and it was with a guy and it was horrible lol. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay. Truth is I am. I was scared of what people would say thats why I tried to act like it wasn't true. Now that I've let myself go and I'm to the point where I can approach a girl very comfortably. Its all about confidence and that takes time. The idea of going to visit a bar in a different town is a great idea in my opinion! If you can ... go for it and gain some confidence in whatever it is that you feel most comfortable with.
All I can really say is do what feels right. Whether you turn out to be straight, gay, bi, whatever, just do whatever feels right and makes you happy
I am going through a similar experience... sort of. Honestly, the best advice i can give you is to go out to a ladies bar by yourself and explore and feel comfortable with no one to judge you. That way you can feel free to feel whatever it is that you do. Maybe you will find that you were blocking everything out and that its not that you like woman, but that you find it hard to make a connection with anyone right now. Or perhaps you will realize that you are physically and emotionally attracted to woman. Whatever you will feel, whatever you will figure out you will be able to do it on your own without the pressure of having someone you know judge you. Also make sure to come back to us and let us know how i went!!
