1St Trip Report - Bad Trip

[The things I post on this site are trip reports I've written in a journal. In it I try to write I as thorough as I can so the reports tend to get long. I apologize for that. I marked the start of the bad trip with bold letters. Thanks for reading!]

LSD - 11.01.15
Me and a buddy decided to take a two day camping trip with his goahti. Coincidentally there was a pretty big storm going on with wind speeds of about 30 m/s so we made the decision to sleep in the cabin the first night, so that no tree would fall on it and kill us in a ball of fire. We love storms though so we were pretty excited.

Prior to dropping Cid we hung out with Molly. While we did we were outside making a huge fire. At one point while we were out there talking, the one tree, the only tree in the open spaced area fucking fell! We were talking and then CCKKCKCCRRRRSHSHHSHSHKKHHHBOOOM!!! We were out of our minds with excitement! The spot where it fell was the spot where we eventually would've pitched the goahti.

When Molly left, Cid dropped by. We had one tab each. While we waited for the LSD to kick in we decided to take the car, sloooowly, to a lake that was nearby. There is only one road in and out of camp. Ten meters later with the car we found the road blocked by a fallen tree. Thankfully we had a couple of hatches with us and started hacking away at it in the middle of the night with help from the car lights. It took us about half an hour, we cleared the way, I turn around to face the road ahead and there's a goddamn spruce not 10 meters further. Heavy as fuck. We chopped one side of the trunk but as it took too much time and we had dropped acid we left it for the next day. We went back to the cabin and waited for it to kick in.

We fed the fire outside as if it were a glutton. We hung yellow lights on a tiny tree further away, placed a flashlight on the fallen tree to illuminate its branches, took out the loudspeaker, blasted music and danced in the stormy night. The setting was great!

The fire kept licking the wood and grabbing at it with its many fingers, it was insatiable. The colors were mesmerizing to say the least. I've never seen such bright yellows and intense reds. When we fed the fire enough we brought out a box of fireworks my buddy had with him. It was a 4 minute light and sound show like no other. We sat down by the camp fire after that and relaxed watching the flames and all the colors. My buddy's face started looking weird too; I'm glad I didn't catch my reflection somewhere.

Near that camp are some caves and holes that have been carved in to the rock by water, named after a dude named Fingal. My buddy wanted to go there and take a look. I can't say how long we walked for but it wasn't a short trip as it was dark and wet. We crossed the river that was roaring near the camp, the bridge looking ready to get washed away, and we were off.

Along the way I kept feeling this strange energy. It felt ancient and had a weird synesthesia about it, it smelling/tasting as if I breathed in some incense from a long forgotten temple. It felt all-knowing, like it had observed everything since the beginning. The dark, creaking forest was alive and everything was synchronized together in some sense while still going about in their own tempo. I was vibrating.

We found a clearing further in. The sky had cleared a bit, the wind had waned down, and the moon was up. Half bright, half forgotten. We decided to smoke a bowl in its company on the way back and moved on to the half-caves. They were big but they had no ceiling and big trees grew in them. Basically they were huge holes in the granite. Some holes looked big enough for a little rave.

After a while we started heading back. We came to the clearing and sat down for a bit. The wind started picking up again and the haze around the moon floated around it like petals. Then clouds came and gave the light grainy, darker hues of purple, peach, yellow and okra. It was beautiful! We took a couple of hits and moved on to our camp.

This is where it hit me. I don't know if it was the LSD kicking in, full gear, or if it was the weed. I just remember blinking and finding myself in a dream world. I was on a spirit walk. I walked behind my buddy, tracing his steps, observing his movements. I thought of him as a guide and I started copying his movements, feeling mischievous and playful. We were both walking in silence at this point and I was starting to enjoy the visuals but it didn't last long. I feel nauseous thinking about it. I was stricken with anxiety. I don't remember where it came from, if it was a thought or if it was inevitable because of the weed, but I started feeling alone and afraid. I caught up to my friend to tell him that I was starting to have a bad trip. I wanted him close. While I was talking to him his eyes, lips and nose were painted red and the rest of his face was white. "YOU LOOK LIKE A CLOWN.". He laughed a little and I had to beg him to stop, "No, please don't laugh, you're scaring me.". I sounded like a child. He shifted into a freaky donkey and I told him I was freaking out. [I shouldn't have because I think it somehow solidified into being a bad trip. I should have started humming, try to connect with the timeless vibration again, but I was too afraid to think at that point.] I had to hug him and close my eyes to make it all go away.

The rest of the walk was intense. I don't want to say that it felt like hell or a nightmare because it was neither of those things, but I was scared shitless. I cannot emphasize enough how afraid I felt. I couldn't discern reality from hallucination. I had to look at my friends face every couple of minutes because when I wasn't looking, his face started shifting shape. It felt like something was trying to separate me from him and catch me alone and unawares. Tricksters.

I was caught in a loop. A fractal of insanity. One moment I'm relieved that it isn't that bad, that I'm getting a grip on what's going on and then I'm lost again. I saw so much. Versions of the path that looked drawn with pencils and oil paint. It felt like a dream, walking in the dark, only seeing what our lights illuminated. I kept forcing myself not to lose myself. I didn't trust myself to let go of reality in this unfamiliar forest. The only thing that would keep me safe, I thought, was to trust my buddy. If there's one quality I do have and am proud of it is having patience. If I had lost it then what would happen to my buddy? I had to keep it together and try to not freak him out more than I have. I had to jolt myself into consciousness, look at his face, feel my arm around his shoulders and concentrate on getting home. I don't know how many times I did this. Time and time again. It was as if my fears, mistrust and insecurities blew out of proportion. It was like pushing my consciousness through a pile of dead blue whales, pushing through blubber in the blind.

I tried to tell him what was going on but I wasn't making any sense. I would start talking, change the subject mid sentence, forget I was talking for a millisecond and end with "I already told you this, haven't I?", feeling disappointed every time. Talking made me feel awake and when my mind tripped on itself I felt as if I wasn't strong enough, mentally. I remember doing this a lot and one time I got immensely surprised and said "I'm saying everything anyone has ever said while on acid, aren't I?".

How messed up is it to not be able to trust yourself?

I could trust him though. My buddy. At one point he was glowing. Bright yellows and blues. I'm so fucking glad I met him. A few times he did shift form. One time he was an old, kind man with a walking stick. I was also that man. I walked on barren ground atop a desolate desert mountain. I felt as if I was on a pilgrimage. Another time he was a teenager, dressed in black clothes. Looking sullen and angry but was still compassionate enough to carry me on his shoulders. It felt so real, it looked so real. The thought of these figures being me had occurred to me.

At one point he asked me if it was too much, if I wanted to end the trip. He said he had a pill that would end it immediately and asked if I wanted that. I said yes five times like a madman but we had to get to the cabin first. I was saddened at how fast I answered "yes". I thought of it as a bit of a defeat. I thought I was stronger than this. But I also thought that it was okay to admit that this was my limit. The intenseness of this trip was beyond what I was expecting, anyway!

We were at the river again. We had to cross that fucking bridge again. It wasn't that bad really. I don't know why I was so apprehensive about crossing it. I've become so anxious lately, worrying about silly things. The part that was broken was above shallow water so I would only get wet, but still. When we got closer he tried to reassure me that we were almost home. I kept calling the cabin home. It was home.

-"You go first. No, I should go first. Should I go first?"

I still didn't trust myself enough to make any actions, afraid of hurting myself intentionally. I honestly don't know why I thought I would though. Well, it was more a fear of being lured by the shape shifting tricksters, which I think were parts of my subconscious. We crossed the bridge but I was still not free from the anxiety of what I was feeling. I tried to reassure him as much as myself that the moment we get to the cabin this would be over and I forced a tired laugh out of me. I didn't want him to worry. I felt that I was letting him down and taking his fun away.

The familiarity of the cabin did ease it all but I was still trapped in the loop. The loop consisted of me losing it, coming to and losing it again, making me realize that I never really did come to. I thought that I was crazy, and I kind of was, but I also thought that I would stay crazy. I thought the loop would never end and that I had to conceal it from everyone but I didn't know how, because every time I talked, nonsense came out.

I had read a lot of trip reports and such to kind of educate myself but I guess this sort of backfired on me. Instead of containing retaining the connection to the self and the energy I just reacted like with animal instincts. The loop I was caught in was something my buddy mentioned happening to a friend of his. I also thought I experienced ego death. I was so sure of it. I knew who I was but I didn't know what defined me. I had lost what made me, me. It's so weird! Throughout the night I kept thinking to myself "Remember this. Remember this.", but how could I? It frustrates me a bit because I believe this had meaning. It didn't just happen. Sure, the weed might have been the catalyst or my frame of mind was not stable, but I still believe in the subconscious.

When I sat down in the cabin, after the pill melted away in my mouth, the fractals started. Everything was a fractal. I thought in fractals, like some kind of a mathematical approach to analyze thought through impossible equations. There was also a duality. Half the moon was light and the other half was darkness. My loop consisted of waves, good waves and bad. The fractal existence I had adopted was of light and darkness.

Here I could allow myself to learn how to let go, my buddy's presence and actions tinkering with the equations, making them easier to read and easier for me to work with.

When I had calmed down a bit I tried talking to him again. I could think for longer periods of time and told him of the intense spirituality of the walk. Then I thought that I was out of the woods but I was not far from them. It was as literal as it was metaphorical. It all came back again but this time I was on a bed, more relaxed and my head was clearer from taking the pill. I cried. I thought the loop would never end. I thought I might have done something really, really stupid out there. It honestly was one of the toughest things that I had to do, not to give up and collapse on the trail in the forest.

As hard as I'm trying to recollect at least half of the details, I just come up short.

When I stopped crying and recollected my composure the tears felt hot on my face. Searing hot but at the same time kind. They became molten metal. They solidified on me, creating together with my skin an amalgam as tough as anything. I had attained an armor forged from my fears. I was radiant as fuck! The fractal was transitioning from fear to strength. The cycles of the loop were still there, both types spiritual, but they were becoming more loving.

We had a lot of candles with us and my buddy started lighting them. For every candle he lit I remembered a strength. I had lost definition but I was going to rebuild myself from scratch if I had to. I wasn't going to lay there and be pathetic. I was determined to do so even if it took forever. I really thought it would take that long. Much, if not a majority, of what made me stronger, of what felt like the perfect pieces to be rebuilt with, were other people; my buddy, my brother, my little cousin, my mom and dad. They say nothingness is a result of the absence of something, therefore, it cannot truly be nothing. What I chose not to include, what didn't fit, isn't truly gone but I don't have to carry it anymore.

I had flashes of visuals. The one I remember the clearest is a Buddha, pearl white and serene, becoming a fractal. Arches of smaller Buddha figures circled around the original and sheets of light green silk floated around.

With every wave of "good" the fear diminished. With every wave of good the fractals of fear became smaller and more insignificant.

That's pretty much it. At least that's what I remember and am able to describe. I was so happy to be able to communicate after it was over! I still had issues with short term memory and I there were still gaps cause by me restructure but it was all filling in.

We watched the first episode of Spongebob. HOLY SHIT, it is so trippy!!! I've seen it a couple of times before, but mother of god! Funny as hell, too.
The goddamn pill was a placebo.


I'm glad it was though. Made me laugh with relief. I didn't quit mid trip. Well, it wasn't a sugar pill. Apparently it was a benzo-something, I don't remember, but I needed far more than one pill to disrupt the trip according to my buddy. Holy shit, man.

 

I thought I'd add this too.

Coming down I had to put something in my belly. We've been tripping for hours so... We had some effervescent tablets(is that correct? Google translate) with magnesium and vitamins and food but I couldn't eat any meat. I drank almond milk and it was amazing! It was chocolate flavored. I ate noddles and fruit but the thought of eating sausage(that's what I had) made me nauseous. I had a vegan sausage my buddy bought. I ate some meat when I came home but it wasn't satisfying. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

That sounds amazing. I was thinking about trying shrooms at some point. Thanks for sharing.

 

My buddy said that next camping trip will not include "snacks". Can't help but feel a little disappointed about it. :/

 

Sounds intense and alot for one hit. Probably not the best to rely on aborting trips with benzodiazepines if you're trying to learn from the trip.

LSD can be a grueling, mentally unyielding exercise but alot can be learned during the trip.

 

I didn't even know it was possible to abort a trip but I had no idea that it would hit me so hard. I was unprepared, I got overwhelmed and kind of desperate at that point. And to be honest, I was very disappointed in myself that I'd lose myself and be so undisciplined. I definitely won't be relying on abortion pills. I won't even think of taking another acid hit if I feel there's even a possibility that I'd freak out like that again. I've seen my faults, at least the ones that have revealed themselves, and I will address them.

 

Don't drop a psychedelic when coming down off another psychedelic, -especially- MDMA, which can cause negative affect and thinking on its comedown and tail end. Come down of MDMA is for pot and sleep, not the excursion that is LSD.

 

yep, I wouldn't wanna start a trip coming down from MDMA.

that's why if ur gonna combine the two, you should take the acid first, then the mdma when the acid peaks.

 

well, as much as you may not have "enjoyed" this trip....i enjoyed reading about it

well written.

 

Want to hear what the faries told me? Do 100 - 120 mg MD, then after 2 - 3 hours, take a god strong hit(250 mcgms +) LDS. The MDMA fairy herself said these words.

Any nasty comedown symptoms from the MD will be entirely mitigated, You WILL experience total bliss. You will be assimilated....................

Many repetitions of this experiment would tend to support the general protocol. Whether it proves the existence of faries is of course another matter altogether.

 

Thanks @porkstock!

I was offered to drop some with my buddy again sometime soon. Just us 3; my buddy, Cid and me. That way I'll get a better feel from it. No influences but LSD to try to get acquainted with it. I know the next one won't be a bad trip but I'm still uneasy at the thought of a possibility of one.

 

it kind of sounds like your buddy is well versed in psychedelics, and is acting as sort of a guide for you on these trips. he should be able to offer some advice if things get unpleasant. try changing your environment when that happens. i guess out in the woods it's hard to do that. but have a nice home base that you can be at and relax. listening to some calming music can help a lot too.

i would wait a month or so before tripping again. especially after a doozy of a trip like that!

 

Lately I've started to become paranoid. I've been smoking weed pretty much everyday since taking the LSD. I began to question most of my actions, mostly when with company. Kept asking myself if I was doing things weirdly or if I really had the IQ of a potato. So, I decided a couple of days ago to stop smoking for a while. The only thing quitting has accomplished so far is me becoming irritable. I get angry at stupid things. I'm punching walls, literally. Everything is gnawing at me and I wish everyone in the entire world could just shut the fuck up. Maybe I shouldn't do the LSD in two weeks if I'm like this. I'd like to, because I believe I can access the good vibrations. Believing is very important, but it isn't everything for the conditions to be met. I don't know why I thought I'd write this here, I guess I'm venting and would like some input. I wish I had a sandbag.

 

yeah, that sounds like irritability due to lack of weed. i experience that sometimes too, unfortunately.

or sometimes life just throws annoying shit your way, and you get into a funk. give it a week or two and see if things improve. in the mean time, some physical activity can help release some of your anger. try doing some pushups when you get mad.

 

^They speak the truth. They way we explain it is that its like a gentle giant. Once its on your tongue, you are in for that ride. It might seem scarey at first...you can kick and scream, fight it if you want...but that giant will set you down safe and sound when its damn ready.