19yr old daughter doesnt want to get a job

Masters squeezed in at the end of a Bachelors, she's going to have to study her ass off the next four years, and if she was an honour student in high school, she's been doing that the last couple years.

So she wants a summer of bludging in between, understandable

 

She's very smart but sitting on her butt for 3 months every summer playing video games or other online pastimes just aint sitting right with me and the wife and comes off as a total waste of time, granted we are pushing but only to a point,ultimately she will have to live with any consequences of sitting on her butt for 3 months every year till shes in her mid 20's.
I can only imagine what a future job interviewer is going to think when he/she asks the question what job experience do you have?..Err i sat around for the last 6-7 summers playing video games.

 

To make my previous post clear:

fight : 2. To engage in a quarrel; argue
(taken from the free dictionary.com)

English is my second language and this is the one and only meaning of the word 'fight' I wanted to express in my previous post. I did not imply that there is any kind of physical or psychological abuse happening in your home.

Teenagers sometimes have disagreements with their parents, that is a fact. You are currently in the middle of such a disagreement.

To paraphrase my previous post:

Disagreements between teenage daughters and their mothers can get pretty intense (meaning emotional).
Teenagers usually take things very personally (a generalization - it may or may not apply to your daughter).

If your daughter feels that she has some other unresolved disagreements with your wife, that affects all her communication with her mother.

(the end of the paraphrase)

You didn't comment on my suggestion. Do you think it is a good one, could it work in your situation?

I was a 19 year old years ago. Each of my parents could tell me the exact same thing, with different results. Why? Because my mother and I got into disagreements for silly things, so when she actually had a really good point to make, it didn't carry enough weight.
When dad said the same thing, I knew it was for real.
Also he said it in a different manner, so it was always more of a discussion than a confrontation. I knew I could express my opinion and feelings on the matter and that they would be considered. We tried to find the best solution to the problem together, constructively.
When I tried the same argumentative approach with my mother, it failed spectacularly. She was hung up on the fact the she was 'The Mother' and knew best and too proud to admit that sometimes she really didn't.

 

I thought i did answer all your questions in my post 61.
Disagreements dont necessarily mean fighting, no one is raising their voices in this delema,
We are just trying to logically point out to our youngest daughter that it would be in her best interest to get a summer job,
It also seems a logical progression that after putting her in the best schools we could afford that we also teach her the value of a buck by getting her to go out and earn some.

 

That suggestion.

 

I've talked to her about it often and i'm having no better luck than my wife. the kid just doesnt want to spend her summers going to a summer job..
What to do? i have no idea,thus the topic.
My dad would have solved this problem quick with a slap upside the head and a threat of you've got a week to get a job or your out of the house.

 

.....this is a 19 year old?

It's your job to RAISE them before that. She's not the one who needs the shrink.

 

I see a few problems. First, I get the impression that you're trying to raise your daughter the same way you were raised. She is NOT you. She is NOT your wife. She is NOT either one of your parents. She is HER OWN PERSON. Imposing your own values on her when she clearly doesn't agree with them will only cause more problems. Why? Because she is NOT you, or your wife. For that matter, she is NOT your older daughter, either. Which brings us to...

The second problem: your older daughter and your younger daughter DO NOT function in the same way. The reason being, they are TWO DIFFERENT INDIVIDUALS. Your older daughter may be good at certain things in life. That does NOT necessarily mean your younger daughter is good at those same things. She might be excellent in other areas, and that's FINE. Let her be herself. She does NOT have to be like her older sister. In fact, she should NOT even try to if she feels like it'll interfere with her developing her own SELF. Treat them equally, yes... BUT, do NOT treat them like they are the SAME, because they are NOT. The older one had no problem working her way through school, bought her own whatever, and that's fine. The younger one worked her ass off in SCHOOL as an HONOUR ROLL student, and about to be a full-time uni student going for a Masters degree in geology, and THAT'S FINE. They have BOTH accomplished a lot in their separate lives so far. Only, you and your wife don't see it that way because of the following...

The third problem: why is it that you're only worried about what her CV would say, or wouldn't say? It's a piece of documentation, and she has the next several years to fill it, add to it, and expand on it. And I don't understand why you're so fixated on the minimum wage job idea. Is that because YOU and YOUR WIFE had to work shit jobs during the summer growing up, and therefore you feel your own children automatically should do them, too? Well, that brings us back to the first problem. And we're not staying there because there's more.

Fourth, I can't help but notice that the summer job should be the least of your concern right now, let alone your younger daughter's. Your main concern, in my opinion, should be fixing your communication skills within your family. You and your wife are only trying to impose your ideas on your daughter when she is NOT made the same way you are. You and your wife are only trying to shove your idea of adulthood down her throat when she may have a completely different idea. Don't just assume that, just because she likes playing video games NOW, that's all she's ever going to do every summer from now till she gets her Master's degree. I mean, you DO have faith in your own daughter, and her future, do you not?

Forget about those jobs you and your older daughters found for her. This isn't even about whether or not she thinks she's too good for them, or anything like that in my opinion. I honestly believe those jobs aren't suitable for her based on what I've gathered from reading all of your posts. She deserves many opportunities(that's right, not one, MANY) to explore her potential, and if she felt flipping burgers or working at a gas station would get her somewhere, then I think she would have taken those jobs. She didn't, because those didn't count as opportunities in her book. If you're going to be a professional musician, would you waste your time studying micro-biology? If that's what you REALLY want, then by all means. But usually that's not what happens. You study MUSIC, and develop the skills needed to be able to earn money playing music. It takes dedication, time, and love of the thing itself. Your daughter may have her own idea of what kind of job she wants. Why not respect that? Honestly speaking, the whole "summer job" idea is such a trivial matter in my opinion, and you and your wife are making your younger daughter suffer because you just seem to care only about your own egos more than her feelings.

How about family counseling sessions this summer? Forget summer jobs.

 

So it seems the general consensus here is that we parents should butt out of her life, if she wants to sit in her pajamas and play video games till September thats just what we should let her do..
Thanks all for your valued input

 

That wasn't the consensus that I gathered from the thread. I think most people agree that she needs to stop being lazy and get a job, and that you shouldn't be supporting her if she isn't willing to support herself.

 

The problem is that she sounds like a child, which is the parent's, and only the parent's, fault. They're taking away computer privileges or whatever, because she had defined privileges, at 19. Of fucking course she's not ready to do shit, and of course it's going to take her time to work into it, and yes, it is the parent's job to keep supporting her as she works it out, since they're the fuckups that made her like that.

 

Yeah, but getting a job at McDonald's is usually the first step in that path... have to start somewhere.

 

So because we have a daughter who has a motivational problem about getting a job we as parents are fuckups,additionally so for having the audacity to expect her to actually get a summer job,at a MacDonalds perhaps..I'm getting the feeling the days of getting a summer job are past and hanging around doing not much is the norm for todays youth.

 

Maybe just for middle or upper class Quebecers lol

 

Problem solved We went to a local restaurant for an early supper, the owner came over and asked how everything was,we said fine and jokingly said now if you can give our younger daughter a summer job things would really be fine,,he said we are hiring bus and kitchen help when can she start? we looked at her she said tomorrow..:2thumbsup:

 

Wow, great
I'm happy for you.

 

I might be wrong and I'm willing to stand corrected on this but...... Geez, that sounds to me like the ultimate form of pressure, with a third person present no less which might have made the atmosphere such that she might have felt it impossible to say "no". It might have appeared to her, what, four-against-one, and god knows what she must have felt inside when this was happening. But could she have said "no" and made a scene in public? Probably not. That might have been why she ended up saying "yes". You haven't given us exactly what her reaction was. But if you ask me, that was a pretty sneaky move on your part. Not something my parents had ever done while I was growing up, nor is it something I'd ever do to my own child because I personally see it as nothing short of ganging up on the child. But hey, everyone's different.

At any rate, I wish her all the best. I hope she is happy to have made the decision she has. Just to clarify I have not said I was blatantly against her working as a whole. I merely expressed my concern over the methods you were using to try to get her to work. Your fixation toward "minimum wage summer jobs" was pretty intense, and to be frank I personally found it disturbing. She could have found on her own something over the summer that was more beneficial to her future university courses, and they might have given her a serious head start for her first semester in uni. But now you have no way of knowing whether or not she would have this time because you were too busy pressuring her to get a shit job and killing her motivation. Yes, YOU were the reason why she didn't feel motivated. You basically opted out of witnessing her do something on her own accord, something that might have meant more to her, and instead you just decided one day that she needed to change based on age, or whatever it was, and from that point on kept pressuring her to do things she wasn't even prepared for.

This totally reminds me of the abstinence-only sex education that teaches the youth practically nothing about sex, and the moment they turn 18, BOOM!! They are out in the world and are totally sexually ignorant. To me, this is the same thing. And if THAT isn't a sign that you and your wife fucked up as parents as RooR has said, then I don't know what is. Stop being in denial that you never did anything wrong as parents, stop perceiving this matter as something that was your child's fault. Realize that you and your wife have been responsible for this mess. The matter was resolved THIS TIME, but unless you, YOURSELVES, correct your ways, rather than expecting behavioural correction from her, similar problems WILL RESURFACE. If you can't recognize all this AFTER supposedly raising TWO CHILDREN, then I don't think you are prepared to argue with RooR on the points he's made.

 

Thats a lot to address Alternate thinker. to start She isnt complaining and seems quite happy at the prospect of making some money this summer..
I never insisted on minimum wage jobs but that would be the most probable way to go for a student looking for temporary work.
As for pressuring her dont you think you need to get a job sooner or later? had we not pressured her or intervened she would have just sat on her butt all summer, just like last summer and the one before that.
As for the 4 on one logic? i suppose you can view it that way but thats not really how it was viewed by any of us including the daughter.
You keep saying we've fucked up as parents over this one instance in our childs up bringing, rather unfair i say when you base the totality of our parenting on one instance with one daughter over a span of 20 years,
If you ever have kids and they at some point have a problem are you going to automatically say you are a fuck up as a parent?.And what if one of your kids reaches 20yrs old and is quite content to stay home and do nothing but mooch off Mom and Dad are you telling me you'll do or say nothing?
Bottom line we are parents and as such its our responsibility to teach our kids many things, getting a job and being a productive member of society being one of them.,

 

Working in a nice restaurant, especially one you know and like is a lot different than flipping burgers.

The way I understood OP's posts was that his daughter didn't have a problem with working as such. She just didn't want to work in some shitty environment. So if she's happy now, than I'm happy for all of them.

Especially since this whole situation could get really nasty.
Jambo, you have a great daughter, don't forget it.

I don't think you know how much trouble and worry a 19 year old girl, who's angry and resentful towards her parents, can really cause. Be glad for that.

 

I've got two great daughters who are smart.beautiful and have grown up to be a couple of quality kids with very few problems.
The original topic seemed simple enough,how do you motivate a 19yr old to get some motivation to get a summer job?basically theres been very little support or solution to my minor problem but for some reason attacking me as a parent seems to have become the predominant topic.
As a newbee to the forum Juvenile drivel such as this doesnt really give me much incentive for further participation in this forum
http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=471442&f=51

http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=471391&f=51

http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=471470&f=51

http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=471440&f=51

http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=471399&f=51

Ya gotta be kidding is this what this forum is all about?