19yr old daughter doesnt want to get a job

My parents didn't get me jack shit unless it was a neccessity, like clothing/shoes etc.
If I wanted to go to college, I paid for it.
If I wanted a car, I paid for it.
If I wanted a phone, and a phone plan, I paid for it.
I was gifted a basic Acer laptop when I started college, that's been about it.

I wanted things, so at 16 I got a job, which my parents were kind enough to drive me to and from.
I worked 2 part time jobs while in college full time to help with expenses.

I think you may have already done too much damage by letting her float by all these years and now she can't understand why you've suddenly 'pulled the plug' on her. Hence her temper tantrums.

I never understood the way some parents completely coddle their kids; child says "I want" and parent bends over backwards.
I read a post a little while back about a parent who was upset that their kid didn't like the car they had bought them for their 16th birthday, and all these other parents chimed in with: "Oh yeah, I've been there!"

I couldn't believe it, well, maybe it's more of an american culture thing, because I think maybe one kid in my whole graduating class was 'given' a car. *shrug*

~ FlowerMama

 

Everything I wanted or got was because I bought it. I mowed yards delivered three different papers what ever I had to do to be able to get the things I wanted. It will teach you values for sure.

 

Thats the way it was for me and wife so maybe some can understand why i dont like the daughter just sitting on her butt every summer. to clarify this isnt something we are suddenly laying on her at 19,we.ve been pushing her more and more every summer to get a job, we think at 19 its time for her to make a more concerted and serious effort .

 

You decided to have a child and now you are complaining that your child does not do exactly as you command?
Take your responsibility as a parent and don't take it out on your child.

 

Its not an American culture thing, its a wealth thing. I grew up working class and the majority of my friends were working class and we were all working by the time we were 16. I hated working but I loved the freedom it gave me.

I'm kinda shocked at the various people in here acting like a minimum wage, low-skilled kind of job isn't good enough for this 19 year old girl. That explains a lot about the spoiled, entitled mentality of a lot of teenagers today.

I think by teaching his daughter that people have to do some kind of work in order to earn money, he is taking responsibility as a parent. Isn't that a parent's responsibility, to, ya know, teach things to their children?

 

You can't really blame the teenagers on this; they're taught that entitlement. Sure it's spoon fed to them on TV, but it's the parents that back it up and enable them to become self-centered, entitled brats.
If you want a car or an ipad badly enough and you know your parents won't go out and buy it for you, you're happy to get that minimum wage job, because you have no skills and no one else would hire you.

People are generally, lazy people. There's a reason we have the saying: "you give an inch and they'll take a mile."
We all look for the easy way out - and to be productive and learn how to earn, keep and invest money is a skill that NEEDS to be taught.
As parents it's our responsibility to teach that to our kids, we can't give them everything and say: "Go out and enjoy your experiences, while I financially back your dreams..." because then they end up with nothing, and next thing you know you've got a 19 year old throwing a temper tantrum because she's too good for McDicks.

~ FlowerMama

 

Actually as a non perfect parent with non perfect kids i thought i'd avail myself to other peoples wisdom and intellect concerning one particular problem i have with one of the kids,after all arent forums about the give and take of ideas and info?
My attitude strikes you as commanding and complaining? i dont think i'm taking anything out on the kid just expecting her to at least try to get a job, if this strikes you as commanding and complaining, whats your solution? just let her sit in her pj's for the next 3 months?

 

I was trying to grasp this issue.

Just a small doubt.
How's your relation with your wife? you get along well?

Just a little doubt. I think, mothers are emotionally close to daughters and your wife can easily influence her, if she wants to.

Or, she already knows the reasons and understand her, but afraid of you to discuss it freely.

 

Been happily married for 35 years.
\Its the wife whose doing the bulk of the pushing the kid to get a job,seems to be an emotional tug of war going on between the two. i'm just searching for potential solutions.
Our other 23 yr old daughter has been doing summer jobs all through school with no pushing from us and is now working full time, she bought her own car and all her techno doodads and is about to embark on a 5 week tour of Europe all paid for out of her pocket.
From my perspective we've gone out of our way to treat both kids the same yet one turns out a success the other? guess we'll have to wait and see..

 

i'm confused... how is your 19 year old daughter entering into a masters program? did she start her undergrad at 15 or something?

 

Do your daughters get along well? Perhaps your oldest daughter would be able to help you out.

 

its a 3 year bachelors degree with some kind of provision that the 3rd year of the bachelors degree is incorporated into the masters program making it an additional 1 year added to the bachelors degree to get the masters.4 years total.

 

Daughters are best friends and the older has tried to get the younger one jobs but as all she can offer is burger joint employment the younger one isnt to motivated to follow up.

 

Sounds like the girl may have some class issues.

 

Muhahahaha, lol you didnt mention the other one previously.

A wife and two daughters, and you think you are in charge?

Ahahaha

So do you ever try get the younger one to be competitive with the older one, you said she was successful. By saying stuff like - why cant you be more like big sis, big sis does this that. When in the 19 year old honour students head, she's thinking, well she has to work her ass off, she's dumb

And when your wife and the 19 year old are at each other, you try interject, but its like you are not even there, so you go and like make sandwiches

 

Getting a first job can be intimidating. Teenagers are treated like tools by many employers. Perhaps you might consider having her doing volunteer work for a organization that does good things. that way she has a good experience as a starting point.

 

What Vanilla Gorilla wrote is actually a pretty common occurance in families. Some parents like to compare their kids, and teenagers usually resent that.

Fights between mothers and their teenage daughters can get intense. You already mentioned the emotional tug-of-war that's going on between them.

What if you and your wife change strategy and your wife stops all pressuring and discipline of your daughter and it becomes your role? If you two talk about it between yourselves, she'll have input through you. See what happens if you talk with your daughter one on one.

Teenagers usually take things very personally. If your daughter has some issues with your wife, it affects all their communication.

If I understand your last post correctly: Your daughter is prepared to work, when she cares about or takes interest in something. She just doesn't want to flip burgers. Could she get an internship somewhere or do more volunteer work? Volunteering for something you find worthwhile looks way better in a CV than working in a fast food restaurant .

 

Parents Pffft!

 

Pitting one kid against the other saying why cant you be successful like your sister is a sure way to give the younger one an inferiority complex and the potential for her to develop an animosity toward her sisters success.
As for fighting ? no one is fighting we are trying to rationally get our younger daughter to get motivated about getting a summer job an effort/task the wife and i are both trying to accomplish together without verbal or mental abuse being part of the solution.