1 - Take two burning puppies and swing them around by their tails. Instant fire poi for those who can't afford (or spell) parrafin! 2 - Trying to land a plane on a landing strip with inactive landing lights? Simply have your friends litter the sides with dozens of burning puppies. Voila! Landing lights on a budget. 3 - A burning puppy on your coffee table can be a great conversation piece, and will help you save on central heating bills 4 - Want to have a winter snowball fight, but can't be arsed getting pelted with frozen water particles? A crate of burning puppies make a perfect "warm" alternative to snowballs. Feel free to contribute. Many thanks to TheFly for the inspiration, this one's for you, man!
6. Feel that Beautiful Days was not quite environmentally friendly enough?... why not suggest replacing all those electric stage lights with cleverly angled and coloured burning puppies... 7. Fed up with unimaginative performance artists spoiling your festival experience?... why not suggest juggling at least five burning puppies for a truely creative and entertaining show?... Mwhahahahahahahaha... Beautiful picture... you are indeed a genius... let's scare more children!!! Fly...
8 - Do you feel the cold during the winter months?... Does this spoil your enjoyment of outdoor winter activities?... Why not tie together a pair of burning puppies with some short but sturdy rope and, viola, an instant pair of heated earmuffs?... hurr hurr... I said the word "muff"... Fly...
9. Have elederly relatives who may freeze throughout the winter due to low pension and high fuel bills? Need cheap fuel now? Then simply through another puppy on the fire, they burn clean and add a homely BBQ smell - also ideal if potential home buyers are viewing your house. Most estate agents agree that the smell of burning puppies is a definate plus for first time buyers.
10 - Are you employed as a cleaner of streets or bustling city public transport stations? Sick of all the chewing gum being spat onto the floor and solidifying? Miserly council refuse to buy one of those fancy heat things that melt and scrape the gunk off the floor? Simply tie a burning puppy to the end of a vacuum cleaner. The heat generated will melt the ghastly garbage, and the vacuum will suck it up out of harms way. Voila! Clean streets mean happy public
