Maintaining Positivity And Compassion For The Wrongdoers

I've read some of your posts with sincere interest.  I think you're a good person with a heart of gold, to be bluntly honest.

 

It is not fair, or even reasonable, to tell you to "mind your own business" about a family member.  She is not a stranger, she is family.  She is your business and you do have rights (to a certain point).  But see it the other way around:  if you didn't have care and concern for your sister, people would think you're an asshole and would probably blame you (and / or other uncaring family members) for her being the way she is.  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

Her kids are in foster care.  As much as you would like to have a relationship with your sister, and as natural and instinctive as that is, what you're facing is outside of the realm of "normalcy".  Foster care can be something of a fatality and I think you should spend some time establishing a clear and certain understanding of what the foster care system is all about.  I've been a foster kid.  I know what it's like. 

 

It can take years, decades, an entire lifetime .. or sometimes, not at all .. for life to be "okay" for all involved.  There is a very real chance that your sister might never recover herself OR her motherhood, let alone a relationship with you.  You'll need to be realistic about the situation (which can be very difficult to do).  It is something that shocks the mind, when family isn't family anymore.  The human mind goes into crisis, can't make sense of it.  Family is ALWAYS family, right?

 

Well, no.  Not so.  Sometimes, some family ties need to be severed (foster care is supposed to facilitate that process .. it is not always reunification .. and the plans can change with greater understanding, as things develop and time goes by).  Trust me, I've been there.  It can be EXTREMELY difficult to do.  I think it NEVER fully makes sense to anyone's mind, when family can't be family anymore.  It screams of violation of nature.  But it can be one of those situations where it's bad either way (no good to be in someone's life and no good to NOT be in their life), and there is never any comfort or peace (something the social workers, counselors and therapists never tell ya straight out).
 

I don't think you need to squash negativity.  I think the very best thing you can do for yourself (you first), your sister and her kids is to know what you should be focusing on, and what you shouldn't be.  It is hard, hard, hard, hard work (WORK) sorting through so many needs, emotions, wants - and rights - of so many people.  And not everybody does their fair share, and some people outright REFUSE to do ANY work at all.

It is possible that you are facing a total loss of a relationship with her.  That might be what she needs, even if that isn't what you want.  It might be what she wants, even if that isn't what you need.  Spend some time thinking about that protective mechanism we all have:  denial.  Ask yourself:  are you in denial?  What do you need to acknowledge?  You first.  What I mean is, she isn't your child and you are not her mother.  But if you are parental, that could be a huge part of the problem.  Are you, parental?  If so, are you in denial about it or have you acknowledged it?  You first.  Gotta face yourself.  Know yourself.

 

I'm going through something similar right now, working through a relationship with a family member, trying to establish THE ACTUAL REALITY.  What is right for who, who's needs are taking priority?  What actually, really, truly needs to happen .. and for who.  Hard, hard, hard, hard work (WORK).  Do I need to step back, or am I justified in my current intervention?  I think I'm justified, but I also have to be realistic:  it is quite possible that I need to step back and stay out of it, no matter how spot on correct I may be.  Maybe, I might even need to say goodbye (again) and let go.  (gee, is it goodbye for the 6th time now?  7th?).  See what I'm saying there?

 

I admire your positivity, your hope and your belief in goodness and health.  Keep that, and spend it wisely.  But, above all things:  face the reality.  And if you have to do the work to establish the actual reality, do that.  

 

Bunnielight, it is hard, hard, hard, hard work (WORK). 

 

Peace be with you,

 

~ ginalee14
 

Thank you for your kind words. 

First I would like to clarify a few things. Luckily, my nephews are not in the foster care system, as they were immediately placed with a caring family that they were familiar with that nursed them both back to top health. These boys are very very lucky that things have fallen into place like they have and there were people close by who stood on guard, ready, and more than willing to take them when needed. They should receive their court date to finalize the adoption process sometime this week or next week. THAT being said, their incredible love and generosity for my nephews has enabled my sister to do the absolute minimum to care for them and help this family out. Since then, there has been a psychological examination on her revealing several mental concerns including ADD, PTSD, and an undisclosed psychological issue which makes her unable to care for or love anyone (my guess is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but really there's no way to know for sure). 

That being said, I am VERY parental towards her and she has expressed that it is what has torn us apart (but not her excessive lying and lack of responsibility towards her children). I love her fiercely no matter what she does. And I was hoping to break through when our mother passed away and we spent an entire week together and really truly talking. I gifted her a copy of The Power of Now and she promised to read it. I begged her. For her life and happiness to take SOMETHING from it. 

 

Since then we have fallen out, but seeing as she is still permitted to see her children on scheduled occasions this brings the two of us in the same house on these specific occasions. This happened for my youngest nephews first birthday. During that time I made my rounds with the boys and tried to spend as much time with them as I could while I was there. However, during this time it was painfully obvious the negativity she was throwing at me. She never said a single word and still managed to find ways to affect my interactions with the boys. Even going as far to aggressively display her affection towards her son in the middle of a room full of people while maintaining a piercingly negative eye contact with me. As if to say "They're mine and there's nothing you can do about it."

 

I fear her boys being exposed to this painfully obvious negativity. They are too young to see it now, but it won't be very long before they notice the friction and tension between the two of us. They are too young. They've had too much negativity in their life already. However, with the good points you have raised, it reminded me again that bowing to her insecurities and accepting things as they are would only enable her to continue down her irresponsible path as she continues to do with or without a relationship with me. And I will not support that. Mentally unstable or not, her children deserve at least a mother who is willing to take care of herself and take responsibility for her mistakes. Not one that continually victimizes herself and therefore forfeiting all responsibility. That's not how life works.

I love that you love her the way you do.  I love how important she is to you, and how important her well-being and her life is to you.

 

I see what your primary focus is: the negativity.  Hers. 

 

But I'm going to try to adjust the lens for a sec, see what happens.

 

1.  "I don't think you need to squash negativity. ... know what you should be focusing on, and what you shouldn't be."

 

2.  "Mentally unstable or not, her children deserve at least a mother who is willing to take care of herself and take responsibility for her mistakes."

 

3.  "You'll need to be realistic about the situation ..." +  "There is a very real chance that your sister might never recover herself OR her motherhood, let alone a relationship with you." + "it is hard, hard, hard, hard work (WORK)" + "And not everybody does their fair share, and some people outright REFUSE to do ANY work at all."

 

It is her work to do, in changing her negativity.  You can't do that work for her.  Your focus on her negativity is very strong and clear. 

 

A good challenge would be: spend some time realizing every right and good thing about her that you can.  Try to focus on any positivity, health, etc. that she has .. no matter how small or insignificant it may be.  Get in touch with all the things you love about her.  Look for what about her you admire and appreciate.  Say why she matters so much to you (is it about her or you), say why you want her in your life and want to be in hers.  Of course, not here .. unless you want to .. but acknowledge all these things, and more, so you establish them. 

 

Maybe you have some negativity of your own?  Revelation.

 

When a mother loses her children (and yes, she has lost her children .. even though she can access them, she's lost them) .. oh, Bunnylight.  I am so sorry to have to tell you... that is a fatality.  What it means is that now she's got permanent pain so some things are most likely going to be out of her reach (such as, making a full recovery and going on to live a life of health and vitality).  Please be realistic about what you're dealing with:  SHE LOST HER KIDS (omfg, OUCH). 

 

You don't ever, ever, ever have to stop loving her (and I know it isn't even possible for you to stop loving her). 

 

YOU are the one who is willing to take care of herself and be responsible.  Your sister can't be like you.  But if you're able to shift away from focusing on her negativity, and cultivate some positivity in the way you see her and her life, maybe your hopes for her (and your hope and want for having a relationship with her) will be justified.  Maybe miracles will happen for you all.  Maybe she can, in time, become your vision of her: a woman who takes care of herself and is responsible.

 

You're a good sister and aunt.  :)

 

And remember, you first.