Blogging? Or Flogging? To Flee, Or Not To Flee...

Wow, that is a pretty promising blog title, innit? I wonder if I can manage to do justice to it in the actual blog text!

Right. I might need more wine for this...be back in a few...

So, duly fortified by psychotropic substances, let us see what I can do!

How fucked-up do you need to get before you change?

Whoa...now THAT is a bit flogging-like, innit? Where do I go from here and still keep my audience?

I have often considered routes of escape. I have researched some extensively. Being as how I am educated in biochemistry, the idea of poisoning tended to appeal to me.

The thing is, to have an in-depth understanding of poisoning, you need to grasp a concept called the LD50.

LD is an abbreviation for "Lethal Dose." The number 50 designates a percentage. So in other words, the LD50 of any particular substance is the dose that kills 50% of the test subjects.

The LD50 of MANY substances is readily available via Google search.

The other thing you need to realize is: In the vast majority of cases, the "test subjects" were rats.

I mean, wtf did you think: They were going to determine this number based on human poisoning tests? Maybe in Nazi Germany, but not here, not now, not in the uber-humane world of Modern Civilization!

So another thing you need to realize is: Rats are tough motherfuckers.

I mean, right? They LIVE in, like, sewers and shit!!! Could YOU live in a sewer?

If you could, then maybe the LD50 that applies to rats might not be much different when applied to you. So, maybe that is not so hard, then.

For the rest of us who are accustomed to relatively clean environments with indoor plumbing and laundered sheets and cleaning solutions out the wazoo: Maybe comparison with rats is not quite so relevant.

It MIGHT not take as much to kill you as it would take to kill a rat. I mean, on a grams-of-poison-per-kg-of-body-weight basis, see.

Anyway, lots of folks think that if they just swallowed, say, a whole bottle of Tylenol or Advil, it would swiftly whisk them to the Lands of the No-Longer-Living. So: You should check out the LD50 doses for those medications, and get a glimpse of reality.

I'll spare you the calculation details, but the LD50 for Tylenol is a bit over 47x500 mg tablets. Well this is based on studies with mice, actually, not rats. Mice might not be quite as tough as rats. So you need to ask yourself: Do you have a stronger constitution than a mouse? They may be small, but they are tough little fuckers. I know...I used to deal with mice in a laboratory setting, and I can tell you from first-hand experience: They may be small, but they are fighters! One time a mouse turned its head and bit me good and HARD while I was trying to get a good grasp on its head for...well, I won't go into details of what I was intending to do with that mouse, cuz it isn't a nice subject for polite conversation. The fact is, tho, that even MICE might be constitutionally tougher than you. But: Who can say for sure?

And also, remember: the equivalent of 47 tablets of Tylenol only killed 50% of mice! The other 50% survived! And if you DID survive Tylenol poisoning, you would possibly have permanent liver damage, which would make the rest of your life decidedly unpleasant. PLUS: You would end up in a hospital run by folks who think it is their bound duty to save you from yourself. And they would use every law at their disposal to shut you away from your former freedoms for a LONG TIME...until you could convince them that you were "cured" of your desire to end your earthly existence.

Well, that is one example, anyway. There are lots more.

Part of the choice depends on how much pain you are willing to endure for the sake of Ultimate Freedom. Innit?

The folks who are successful at this shit are folks who want it so badly that nothing will stand in their way.

It turned out that I was not quite that dedicated.

Well, I could talk about artery slashing, self-hanging, self-immolation, hari kari, bullets to the head, and so forth, but I will not belabor the point.

What I will talk about is the Dark Night of the Soul.

That is where you experience what feels like Hell, only you are living an actual life on Planet Earth.

Feelings are illusion, of course...which is one of the things I kept trying to tell myself when I was feeling them.

My dear Deanna helped provide me with experiences like this. And she was right there with me - telepathically - when I was experiencing death wishes.

She knew exactly how far she could push me, of course. And I can tell you: She pushed me right to the very edge of my endurance, countless times...and even past what I THOUGHT I could endure.

It was all bullshit of course. Negative emotions are bullshit. It is just chemicals - biochemical reactions in our bodies. Hormones and shit. It has nothing to do with ultimate reality.

Not that this realization helps very much when you are under the spell of those fucking chemicals.

Still, it might help a tiny bit. Whatever helps is worth the effort to think about.

It is just that: After years of Hell, I came out the other side of my Dark Night of the Soul...and it is not so bad on this end of the tunnel.

In fact, I value that darkness. It made me stronger. It made me see things in a better way.

Not that I am, like, "enlightened" yet. I still have lots of demons roaming my soul. Prolly I will need several more lives to sort that shit out.

It is just that: We can't accomplish ALL of our spiritual growth in a single lifetime.

I have had it way better than lots of souls. I get to experience a lightening of the darkness. Some folks never come out of the darkness in particular lifetimes. I hafta believe that their souls are stronger than mine.

This is the way I view shit. Do you have a better way?

I am twice divorced, bankrupt, and Currently Not Collectible for two tax years with the IRS. Yet I find that in most ways, I'm happier than I have ever been before in this life. It turns out that what I used to think I needed in order to be happy was actually bullshit.

A few years in the Dark Night of the Soul taught me that, among other things.

Pity not yourself, for the limitations placed on your options in life. Rather pity those who have way more material comforts than you, and are enslaved to those comforts.

Embrace true freedom. It ain't an easy road, but it's worth the trouble in the end.