how much of a jerk am i?

im so fucked in the head now its not funny.
i think im gonna have a plane sky write i love you to her and ill have it written so she can see it from her work. its gonna cost about 600 bucks. maybe i should add in an apology to my buddy at the same time.
i love her but i hate her i fricken worship the ground she walks on im so whipped its not even funny i have never been whipped like this before and i think that is one of the reasons i dont like her.
i have always been the type of person that if i care for you and if you are my girl i will do anything in the world for you and do anything i can to make sure you are happy and have a smile on your face. i will wait on her hand and foot but it is because i want to and if i ever feel abused or taken advantage of i will stop.

 

my life is now officially over well i guess nothing matters anymore yesterday became the worst day of my life im so sad i dont even want to move called in sick to work today.
there is one thing that i didnt mention in my post. we have been doing dope together also for the last year and a half.
she is going to the methadone clinic and i have been on and off the shit for the last couple months both of us trying to quit she shot i snort.
so i guess her mom went thru her phone and read all my texts from telling her i want her home on the couch naked when i get home, angry txt being mad at her that got missinterpreted to seeing me as ahorrible mean controling person which im not im the nicest person (i would do anything to help someone and im not mean or controling at all) to txt's about doing dope. her mom now thinks i am her drug dealer and partner and we do the shit and sell it together.
needless to say her mom thinks the worst the worst of me now an i have never met her. i never wanted to meet her till we were clean and our situation was open and we were like a normal couple.
but now her mom must hate me so much and my girl said there is no way to prove her otherwise. we talked about ending our relationship last night. and my girl brought it up.
i think she might have got some altematums from her mom about me and her family life.
im so distrot today overwhelmed with nausea and want to vomit.
is there anyway to fix this? i have been hit with a very harsh slap of reality and like nothing before i feel i cant loose her she is my center im freaking out i feel like i just lost my mom or dad. i feel so empty inside i really feel like i need her in my life i have never felt this emotionally attached to someone before. and i have excepted the fact that she may be a user now for life because some people do not recover from addiction and i care enough to take the risk with her and support her anyways i can i will except any thing good or bad from her and would never persecute her for anything. if she told me right now she was dying i would be by her side till she took her last breath making every second in her life the best it could be.
i dont know how we go into this dope crap i had always been against it had many friends go down from it and never even associated with users.
this is very hard for me to deal with im now realizing i need her in my life she is the biggest part of it and i might have now lost it. typing that just brought a heavy glaze to my eyes if this is over i am over.
"It looks like rain."

 

All is not lost, brother. Sometimes something bad that happens is also the begining of something good, depending on how you handle it.

Getting clean would be the best thing that could happen for both of you, and maybe this crisis is what it takes to get there.

This is a link that I found on the web

http://www.cswf.org/Massachusetts/Boston/

I don't know anything about this org, it's just what I found.

But I heard about a program called "victory" in Boston that gives free acupuncture. I think if you call the number, they should know what this is about.

So I guess that methadone is the main route to getting clean. But I know that acupuncture has been used to help with recovery from junk. In general, I think acupuncture is good.

So maybe you and your girl can go into rehab together?

Anyway, getting clean is probably more important for both of you than staying together. If things don't work out, you can find another girl down the road. It may not seem like that now

But if you are on junk, you're fucked no matter what.


If you check the acupuncture, they may also be able to tell you about a qi gong practice or meditation which could help.

I live in the boston area, and I could offer you free qi gong lessons and energy healing.

I'm totally sketched out about meeting up with junkies, but if you pm'd me and we arranged to meet in a safe place (like a rehab center?) I could do this.

In any case, I hope it all works out.

peace

 

Thx. Also we use the junk but are both on what seems to bathe tail end.I always thought the worst about people that use the junk and thinks like once you do ut you are hooked and down on the next block blowing some dude for your next fix but we have never stole or fucked anyone over or anything of the nature that goes againt everything i believe in and I don't know any hardcore junkies just a couple ofgirls I guess what you call functioning addicts cuz they work and stuff all the time. But really had never pictured taking this detour from the road I travel.

 

kudos. seems the boys of these days have forgotten the #1 rule. it is truly tragic.

 

hey, yeah. I've had friends who became junkies. they were really nice people, much nicer than most of the general population. I was scared to be around them while they were using though, since there are situations where even if someone is basicly nice, the desire for the drug can strong enough to make them hurt other people in order to get it. I don't know if they ever got to that point, and I didn't want to find out.

hope this all works out