How Do You Encourage Someone To Work?

Are there kids in the picture? That would motivate me if I could earn more working. The problem is the job market is small in my area. There is a good company or two but they don't start out much at all. Would be lucky to get over time and really need to.

 

Sensitive? Please! He's about as sensitive as a turnip.

 

And less comfort (from the ones giving it to him) or letting him earn those comforts does not seem like a plausible solution why exactly?

 

I have. I've been writing things down. And I'm going to do more research before I present these things to him. Like I said I just don't agree with your suggestions.

 

I don't think so. I have gotten a few good suggestions here. And I have hope that one of these suggestions is the solution.

 

Still curious why the most adviced option seems no solution at all.

Also hope you ask him about the voluntary work (like one or even half a day or something! Well, at least in the beginning). It can give great satisfaction and even trigger someone to do more after awhile.

What does he do around the house? I hope not nothing at all.

The only solution to get overly comfortable people out of their comfort zones is to get them out one way or another (wow felt like a genius saying that ). Now, I am really not advicing to cutting everything off or kicking him out just like that. But make him do something that he prefers (he doesn't have to love it if there's nothing like that) or cut something out of his paid for luxuries.
He doesn't even have to be busy with it the whole work week, but he does need to do something. It is the only solution (lots of people who found out the hard way are telling you this, not for no reason). If it doesn't seem like the solution to you, why not??

 

Yes, there are kids involved. That's the main reason why I made this thread. Also, right before I made the thread my sister called crying about how the landlord threatened her with enviction. He purposely left to go to the park, so he wouldn't have to deal with the landlord. So, yes... I know, we all know how much of a douche he is. But, I'm trying to go pass the judgement and find a solution, because I don't want them on the street, with no food. I always tell myself that things aren't as bad as they seem. So, I honestly don't think they would end up on the street. But, clearly something is wrong and I want to fix it. I want it to be fixed. And I believe it can be fixed, without having to cut him off, or disrespect him and treat him like a child. Actually, I think that might make things worse.

 

I'm slow, so I didn't understand that question. What? Lol! Sorry. I really didn't understand.

 

I Think A Couple Of Nights Sleeping On A Park Bench Just May Teach Him The Facts Of Life.......



Cheers Glen.

 

If it were me I would leave him. I dont know if his parents are still living but my partner would be going to live with his mama.

I dint think there is a good solution to this except tough love.

 

This:

Give us the reason why cutting in his comfort and if that doesn't work in his primary needs (like food, or toilet paper, use your brain, get creative) is no solution at all.

Sorry, but it seems a pretty clear sentence to me:

 

IMO, enablers have a hard time recognizing that to continue what isn't working---will somehow ---pardon the expression--work. Not until the man gets a dose of responsibility, a commitment to himself to improve his status in life and respect for those who are enabling him by showing SOME kind of effort ---and SEES THIS for himself--what he's doing today, he'll be doing tomorrow. And next week. Next month. Next year. I don't understand your reluctance to understand the meaning of enabling.

 

I really have to go this time around. So, I'll answer the posts later. Thanks everyone for the posts so far. You guys really did help me with some of the suggestions. I'll explain why I can't go with the cutting him off or treating him like a child suggestion when I come back. But, I think it's pretty obvious why I can't.

 

Well, I don't understand it. If the guy showed a even modicum of interest in what others think of him or some respect for himself---it would be reasonable to ehlp him in any way that would benefit him. If I'm not mistaken---didn't you say somewhere back in here that he won't even do chores? Whew!! With all due respect---I give up. Good luck re-designing him.

 

It's not obvious. Please keep in mind when answering that cutting him off entirely just like that is not a good solution (in most cases anyway). Cutting something off (not a limb) is a great start letting him realize it doesn't work like things currently are happening. I am not sure if this should be a comfort, or a primary need. But one of those things for starters. If not a complete solution, at least his reaction can be telling and used for further action.

 

(fuckin'edit button!)

 

I have sympathy for those who honestly seek employment and have a difficult time finding it. That unfortunately does happen. For any person who is able to work and instead makes a choice to live off of others, I do not.

You, collectively, are enabling him. Some people need support to come around but others need to be given deadlines with consequences for not being motivated enough to seek employment.

 

Ergophobia or ergasiophobia is an abnormal and persistent fear of work (manual labor, non-manual labour, etc.) or finding employment. Ergophobia may also be a subset of either social phobia or performance anxiety.

 

I have had a persistent fear of falling through my asshole and ending up in China--but I still managed to go to work.

 

Sorry, it took me so long to respond back. I found myself a job at a bookstore. It's nice because I don't work a lot of hours, the work itself is not laborious, and I enjoy reading books. Basically, I just got busy… with stuff, and then I kind of just lost interest in coming here. You know how it is.

Anyways, I made up a worksheet of all the ideas, with some information that I gathered, and gave it to my sister. I figured that would be better than talking to the husband. I just think he would feel bad if it came from me. I also told her to tell him about my new job. I told her that maybe he will be encouraged by me because I'm sick, and all, but I'm working. I'm still in the process of getting diagnosed with MS, but I think that's what I will end up having. Anyways, my sister told me that she wouldn't mention that, because again it might make him feel bad. She told me that he and her have been trying to find work, but either no one is hiring, or no one calls him back. She thinks no one calls him back because of all the jobs he has had and within a couple of months got either fired or quit from. That maybe that is following him now. On top of that, she says that he won't do jobs like dishwashing, etc. Also, she said that because they're very poor now they don't normally have phone service, or access to the Internet, so it makes job hunting even harder. Anyways, she pinned the worksheet on the fridge, and that's it, I haven't heard anything of it since. I asked about it once or twice, but she basically said the same things as before. I finally gave up on the topic.

I think that if she does get evicted she will end up living with her husband's dad. The only thing is that he drinks a lot, and has a woman that is not very good. I don't know how else to say this, but she was with my sister's husband. He cheated on my sister with her. But, now she is with his dad. However, there is a theory that she is with the dad and still with my sister's husband. There is no proof, just a lot of texting. It's just a real bad situation. I'm so glad I came to my senses and broke up with my boyfriend. He is like my sister's husband, but much, much worse. It's amazing how we both kind of ended up with the same guy. My mom kind of ended up with the same guy too, which is my father. Some crazy shit right there. I'm talking to a new guy, though. He's nice. Anyways, that's not the only thing this woman has done. She also harassed my sister. Granted, my sister chewed her out first. Clearly, my sister said that if they were moving in with the dad, that the woman isn't allowed to come there. But, the dad insisted that he loves her, and won't stop seeing her. I'm pretty sure if and when she gets evicted she won't live with her husband's dad, but I don't know this woman that is my sister anymore.

I really don't know what will happen. But, I definitely don't see her leaving him, even if and when she gets evicted. Which brings me to answering the important question of why she can't leave him, or at least give him tough love. This has been going on for years. Almost a decade. But, my mom claims that my sister's husband's never was a good guy to begin with. Anyways, my sister started off strong with him, telling him to get off his fat ass and get a job. But, that only led him to fight with her, leave, and do things like cheat, or something else. So, over the years she became less and less strong with him. I guess in her mind allowing him to do as he please is better than scolding him, so that he won't fight with her, leave, and then do something bad. He still fights with her and leaves, to do God knows what, but just not as much if my sister isn't nagging him like he is a child. I think at this point she is working around him, so that she can keep him happy, even though really he is not, while keeping things running. My mom is constantly giving her money, so things are convenient, to be honest. No one is really making changes, because what has been happening is… convenient, for lack of better wording. My brother says that sooner or later things will come to a head, because that way of living may work for a period of time, but not forever. Also, he says he might call DCFS, but I think he was joking about that. Point is, she can't leave him because she loves him. She has been with him since she was 17, and now she is 39. She can't see a life without him. She is too used to him. Also, if anyone tells her otherwise, she will cut that person out. So, I can't tell her to leave her husband because she will cut me out. Even my mom isn't allowed to come by her place anymore because the husband one day got mad that my mom was often coming by with food or groceries. So, my sister told her to stop coming by. She hasn't cut her off, but I think she would have if it wasn't for the money. I really do think that.

Basically, stating the obvious, such as go get a job, or I'm leaving you, won't work in this situation. If it was that easy I'm pretty sure my sister would have done it a long time ago. Insulting my sister or the husband with the obvious insults, and stating obvious advice isn't going to help. It's just being obvious. We all know that already, give me actual advice here. Though, some of you did see pass the BS and actually gave me advice. Which I'm very thankful for. Even if I wasn't very successful.

That's pretty much it.

She makes it work with the now secret help of my mom. Clearly, my sister and her husband are not happy, and clearly they're struggling, but she makes due. Recently, they went to Six Flags. Again, with my mom's money. But, in the pictures they posted on Facebook they appeared happy. So, I honestly think she will be fine. I got worried over nothing. I mean, I'm still worried. But, I know she will figure it out, while keeping her husband happy.