I've only had 2 romantic relationships so far and 1 casual.
My first romantic relationship lasted 5 years. We got along wonderfully. Laughed, joked, had fun. I cared for him.
I left him because, he wasn't really doing much with his life. He didn't have any goals or ambition so, I just felt I needed to move on to someone that had those qualities.
My second relationship was the casual relationship.
We spoke over the phone often and also through text and email. Often exchanging fantasies etc.
We slept with each other twice.
Although I enjoyed the relationship, it wasn't really my sort of thing to begin with so, I discontinued our relationship fairly quickly.
My third relationship had lasted a little over 1 year.
He was very impressive in my eyes. Had goals, was mature, accomplished many things, was smart, had interest in my opinions etc.
The only thing was, he was rather jealous and had an ego about the size of an elephant. Although, he would never admit this. I thought that maybe I could motivate him to stop thinking this way so, I'd address it with him, but he'd always argue against it and somehow turn the heat back on me.
Another issue was, he was very much racist. This only bothered me whenever he'd make rude comments. I'd address that to him but, he'd only try to make his comment sound in the right. It's right because everyone else thought it too.
On top being racist, he had a very low tolerance for the black race. To make matters worse, I happened to find their race attractive at times.
Needless to say, he didn't like that.
So, that became quite the heavy burden on the whole relationship.
I did my best to explain my feelings to him and that I was committed to him etc, but honestly, he wouldn't really budge from his stance.
In my mind, I knew that this wasn't a very healthy relationship to be in but, in my heart, I just wanted to see if things could change.
Jealousy is one of the most difficult characteristics to live with.
One day, he told me might have a child with a girl he slept with 3 years prior to meeting me. He's known the whole relationship. After that, we broke up.
Regardless of all those negative points, I really wanted to see where him and I could go. I honestly loved his personality, his way of thinking etc. So, I thought that was good enough reason to try. I felt he was "special" if you will. Of course, my feelings came to play too.
Prior to breaking up with him, I gave him all the possibilities that we could/should try and work through it but, he was too scared to even go find out if the child was his. He told me he can't be in a relationship and raise a child at the same time. Yet, he's too scared to do anything about it.
That was when I realized that you shouldn't trust people so easily.
He broke my heart.
Then of course I had a few people I'd talk to online. Nothing serious though. Being online, of course sex is brought up and that only led me to deepen my thoughts towards relationships.
On top of those relationships, I have a tendency of being hit on a lot.
I attract people. Please don't think I'm bragging, I assure you, I'm not. I've been hit on so much that honestly, I can't take it.
It saddens me that people come up to me to get into my pants. I've explained this to a few people in my life but, they of coarse joke about it and don't really take it seriously.
Of course, it's nice at times. I can't argue that.
It's just a constant reminder that, people want sex. Sex is on their mind and sex is what they're looking for.
I like sex as much as the next person. And then some. Believe me.
But, it's not something I want more then a true relationship. Someone who takes interest of my mind, not my body.
I feel like it isn't really worth investing in a relationship.
I feel like it's extremely unlikely that there are people out there that won't lie/cheat/deceive/use you.
My past has made me feel and think this way.
I can't argue that I don't have a strong dislike for people that aren't true to others. It's become a part of me, somehow.
Although, I do hope that one day I'll get to meet someone that I can trust.
I guess this is what brings me to companionship.
When I was younger, I had a very beautiful image of what a perfect relationship would be like. A romantic relationship I mean.
He'd be there for you, he would never hurt you, he'd support you in all your goals etc.
I also thought that being an adult was something magical and just happened as soon as you grew about 3 feet taller. Boy was I wrong lol.
According to Google, companionship means, a feeling of fellowship or friendship. My description would be as I described above.
If I had to describe the perfect romantic relationship now, I'd say companionship.
I desire companionship but, why? Why is it we want this?
Your topical answers follow:
-want to feel loved
-want to be protected
-want to feel specail
-give you some sort of meaning
-want to be happy
-want to be wanted
...the list can go on.
The thing is, if your happy with yourself, if you have love for yourself, if you already see yourself as special, etc then a lot of the desire for companionship goes away. Least for myself anyway.
This tells me that people are simply looking for others to bring them happiness etc. Why not create your own happiness? I see so many people in this world looking for others to give them what they want. Women in particular act out on that behavior. Of course men can do this too. This follows 'people not being true to others'. Bottom line, depending on yourself will give you the utmost fulfillment and desire to live your life as happy as you can be.
I feel that today, this is why so many relationships go sour. Simply because, they aren't in the relationship for the right reasons. This is one of the biggest reasons as to why I think it isn't worth investing in a relationship. Simply put, you just don't know where they are in life.
To completely get rid of that desire for companionship though, I would consider impossible. Weather it's romantic, friendly, family etc. We need someone to express too. If we don't have some sort of an 'expression outlet', I feel that people might start to go insane.
So, I feel companionship is much deeper then selfishness.
So, after all that, does companionship exist?
Or perhaps I'm just being dramatic
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